As usual, dinner was a quiet affair, which was so very different from the dinners I had with my own family back home. But it made sense because even though some of the tension between Luca and Vaughn had eased a little, the reason we were all there wasn’t lost on any of us. If I hadn’t had the nights to look forward to, I’d probably be going crazy. But knowing what I had to look forward to every night with Vaughn made it easier to get through the days.

I supposed when it came to what people normally did in regard to sexual activity in bed, we were still keeping it pretty tame.

And that was on me.

But everything was so new to me that I didn’t want to mess it up with trying anything else. And Vaughn didn’t seem to be in any hurry to do more, either. It seemed like he was perfectly content to just kiss me for as long as I wanted and then let me grind against him until my body exploded with pleasure. He always came too, but despite my comment that first night about taking our clothes off the next time, when it’d come time for bed, I hadn’t had the guts. The only thing I had managed to do was wear the shirt Con had bought me so I wouldn’t mess up Vaughn’s shirt.

After all, why spend nights doing laundry when there was so much other pleasure to be had when darkness fell?

Once usually wasn’t enough for me anymore… I finally understood a little bit about what the word “addict” meant now.

Because Vaughn had surely turned me into one, though he hadn’t actually had to do anything other than let me use his body night after night.

I couldn’t get enough of that feeling of being free and floating. And when Vaughn closed that bedroom door behind us and locked it every night, the outside world fell away. After that, things played out much like they had the first night. I wasn’t comfortable having Vaughn’s weight on top of me, even just for kissing, so it was always me lying on top of him. And while I was okay with being naked when we showered together afterwards, my mind was convinced that things would go terribly wrong if we were naked beforehand.

Which wasn’t really fair to Vaughn, since he was forced to find his pleasure while still wearing his pajama bottoms.

But he never once complained, and when I once tried to apologize that I couldn’t get over my fears more quickly, he’d silenced me with a passionate kiss and had told me what was happening between us was perfect just the way it was.

As slow as things were progressing in the bedroom, they were moving at a snail’s pace when it came to finding Gio. Vaughn and the guys spent most days strategizing and going through all the chatter that my “return” had generated. I’d asked Vaughn to let me read some of the comments on one of the fake posts King had created, but it’d been a mistake because all it had done was set me back. Technically, the posts Vaughn had let me see were probably pretty tame, but it hadn’t mattered… my mind had sought to defend itself. I hadn’t blacked out, but I’d retreated to our room, thrown up the full lunch I’d eaten, and cried in Vaughn’s arms as he’d gotten me in the shower to clean me off. Despite the fact that he’d seen me naked a dozen times in the shower at that point, I’d been so upset I’d freaked when he’d tried to take his clothes and mine off. We’d ended up showering in our clothes and only when I’d calmed down had I let him undress me.

I’d tried to apologize to him, but he’d reminded me that the old me either would have escaped the whole thing by blacking out or shutting down to the point that Vaughn would have been able to do anything he wanted to me. He’d said my behavior was more in line with what he would have expected to see.

It’d been a compliment of sorts, though I knew he hadn’t exactly meant it that way. But I’d seen it as me reacting to an extraordinary situation like a normal person instead of a freak who wasn’t in control of his own mind or body.

I hadn’t looked at any of the comments on the posts after that, and Vaughn had made sure none of the guys talked about specific posters and whether or not they were Stylianos if I was around.

The picture I’d had to take with Luca had been another really rough time. The mere act of kneeling at the man’s feet while he’d put his big hand on my head like I was a prized pet had made it really easy to not need to act for the camera. We’d gotten the image in one take and as soon as King had said it would work, Vaughn had told everyone to leave. Luca had already been on his feet, stopping only long enough to help me up. Then he’d been out the door like a shot. I’d stood numbly in Vaughn’s embrace for a while and then we’d gone for a long walk on the beach and he’d held my hand the entire time.

I’d never looked at the picture.

During the week, King and Con had come and gone and Luca had spent most of his time holed up in his office. Dinners were the only times they came together unless they needed to have a strategy meeting.

And while the lack of leads seemed to cause Luca to withdraw into himself more and more, he’d done something very unexpected on my third day at the house.

He’d had flowers delivered.

And not flower arrangements.

Actual flowers.

For me to arrange.

There’d been dozens of types and they’d kept coming each day, along with a slew of different kinds of vases and bases. I’d been shocked, but when I’d tried to thank him, he’d waved me off and told me to put the arrangements where I wanted to in the house. Vaughn had seemed stunned by the gesture as well but hadn’t said anything to Luca.

Most of my days were spent coming up with creative arrangements that incorporated things I found on the beach during my daily walks with Vaughn. And the nights found me wrapped in Vaughn’s arms. When I wasn’t with Vaughn, I was thinking about him.

Yeah, I was definitely addicted to him.

But I didn’t know what that meant when all of this was over.

“Don’t you agree, Aleks?”

The sound of my name drew me from my thoughts.

“What?” I asked. I looked down at the food on my plate and noticed I’d managed to eat quite a bit of it while I’d been lost in thoughts of Vaughn.

That was new too… my body was finally starting to look forward to eating.

Maybe it was all the exercise I was getting by walking on the beach every day?

And grinding against Vaughn’s hard body at night…

“Aleks…”

“What?”

I looked up and realized I’d zoned out again.

Con was the one trying to get my attention.

Jesus, I really needed to focus.

“Sorry, what?” I asked as I put a piece of meat into my mouth. It was some kind of lamb dish that Vaughn and Luca’s mother had made often and that Con had learned how to make. I’d learned recently that although Vidone Covello had been Italian, Theodora had been Greek.

“I said, don’t you think that if Vaughn’s going to wash his pajamas every night, he should invest in more than one pair? How dirty could he possibly be getting them that he’s gotta run to the laundry room every night?”

I began choking on the food at the question. Vaughn’s hand came up to slap me gently on the back. He had a big grin on his face. Con, for his part, seemed to be completely clueless about the loaded question he’d asked.

“Um…”

“Yeah, Aleks, why do you suppose I can’t keep my shorts clean?” Vaughn asked.

“Must be his newfound love of grits,” Luca suddenly said out of the blue.

“Since when do you like grits?” Con asked, still totally oblivious. “Isn’t Aleks the one who likes grits?”

I was still struggling to chew the piece of lamb well enough so I could get it down. Vaughn’s hand was on my back rubbing circles into it. “Yes, he is,” Vaughn murmured.

“Hmmm, guess I’ll need to make another go at making him grits,” Con said absently. “I’m a way better cook than you, Vaughn.”

“Keep your hands off his grits, Con,” Vaughn said as he shot his friend a dark look.

“My brother’s fiancé makes me grits!” I blurted. “But Vaughn’s are better.”

All eyes turned to me.

“They are?” Vaughn asked me, his eyes going all soft.

“Um, yeah,” I stuttered. “I like how you, um, added shrimp… Magnus’s are really good but yours… I really, really like yours. They’re the best,” I added lamely.

Vaughn’s smile of pleasure did gooey things to my insides.

“I still don’t get what grits have to do with Vaughn’s shorts,” Con announced.

“Jesus, brother,” King muttered as he stood and grabbed his plate to take it to the kitchen. He smacked Con on the back of his head and snatched his plate too.

“Hey, I’m not done.”

“Yeah, you are,” King said. “Let’s go, Mr. Oblivious.”

Con’s gaze shifted to me, then Vaughn. He suddenly grinned and said, “Oh, gotcha… grits. Aleks, you sure you want to settle for his grits—”

“Okay, you’re doing the dishes,” Luca said as he stood and grabbed his own plate, then Con’s arm.

“I cooked,” Con protested as Luca practically dragged him from the dining room.

“Sorry,” Vaughn said. “They can be a bit much.”

I wanted to laugh at that. I did laugh at that.

“You haven’t seen anything yet.”

Vaughn’s fingers moved up to my neck and I found myself leaning into his sensual touch.

“What do you mean?”

“My family… they’re…” I shook my head. “Huge, for starters. I mean, I don’t go to many of their get-togethers… okay, none, really,” I began. “But some of them come over to our house and the way they all joke… it’s like nothing I’ve seen before. And Dante, he just… he loves it,” I said with a smile. “He deserves it.”

I felt Vaughn’s eyes on me and felt my body go all warm. “You’ll see what I mean when you meet them someday.”

I caught myself the second the words were out.

Did we have a someday?

We hadn’t actually talked about that.

Even if I made it through this and got to go home, Vaughn wouldn’t be coming with me. He’d said as much when he’d admitted that he’d keep helping kids even after he got Gio out. He couldn’t live that kind of life and still be with me, could he?

Could I?

Could I spend every day for God only knew how long, worried about the day he wouldn’t come home to me?

I dropped my eyes and fought back the nausea threatening to ruin the delicious meal I’d just eaten. I waited for him to say something, anything that would confirm he would meet my family, but he remained silent.

I began picking at my food again, though my appetite was gone.

“Can I ask where Gio’s mom is? You guys don’t mention her,” I asked, hoping to get past the awkward moment.

Mission definitely not accomplished because when I looked up at Vaughn, he looked stiff and tense.

“Sorry,” I whispered.

“No,” he said as he put his hand on my thigh when I started to get up. “No, it’s just… it’s not something we talk about… ever.”

“How come?”

“She’s gone… she was killed when Gio was taken. She tried to stop the guys and they shot her… in the head.”

“Oh God, James, I’m sorry…”

He shook his head. “She and Luca weren’t in a relationship, but he really did love her and she was such an incredible mother to Gio. He pretty much lost his best friend and his son all in one day. He’s never really recovered from that… he kind of went off the rails for a while afterwards. Wouldn’t eat or sleep or even talk to anyone, really.”

“You guys said he went in on his own in the beginning to look for Gio.”

Vaughn nodded. “He didn’t tell any of us. Could’ve gotten himself killed. Luckily, he never told people who he really was and no one seemed to make the connection. He looked different back then, too… younger, less…”

He fell silent and this time I was the one to put my hand on his leg.

Vaughn didn’t need to finish the description… I’d seen what that other world did to its victims, and even if Luca hadn’t suffered the same kind of pain, he’d suffered. The whole family had.

I pushed my plate away because my appetite was completely gone.

“You should finish,” Vaughn said gently.

“No, I just want to go to our room… with you.”

He seemed to understand my need to be with him in that way because he kissed me softly and then said, “Let’s go.”

We took our plates to the kitchen, which was empty, and left them in the sink. Vaughn held my hand as we made our way down the hallway to the room we were sharing. Once we reached the door, he turned to me as he was reaching for the knob. “Do you want to call Dante?” he asked.

I did, but my mind was somewhere else at the moment and I wanted to go with the feeling before I chickened out. I shook my head and then pulled him down for a kiss. I let my tongue slide into his mouth before inviting him to take over the kiss. I’d become a self-proclaimed expert at kissing in the past week, and I knew what to do to get him to take control, at least of my mouth.

Vaughn groaned and leaned into me. His hands moved down my back to my behind. He pulled me against his erection and then he was leaning back against the door, taking me with him.

“We should go inside,” I said against his mouth. “I don’t want Con to offer me his grits while we’re getting naked.”

Vaughn stilled, but I wasn’t sure if it was the grits comment or the fact that I’d just changed the game on him by announcing we should get naked. When he moaned and then suddenly used his hands to lift me and spin me so my back hit the door, I knew it was the latter.

“Door,” he ground against my mouth between kisses. “Open the fucking door.”

I fumbled for the doorknob and managed to turn it. Luckily, Vaughn managed to catch my weight before we both stumbled through it. He kicked the door shut behind him and then he was carrying me to the bed. I felt a moment of fear when his weight came down on top of me when we hit the mattress, but then he rolled us so he was the one on his back. I put my hands on his shoulders and urged him to stay where he was as I broke the kiss. “I want to try it the other way,” I said. “Can we do that, but if I get scared—”

“Anything, Aleks,” Vaughn said as he sat up, taking me with him. His feet were still on the floor so I ended up straddling his lap, my knees on each side of his hips. “Can I take this off?” he asked as he tugged at my shirt.

It was actually my shirt, since I’d taken to only wearing his at night while I slept.

I nodded and lifted my arms. I forced some oxygen into my lungs and reminded myself he’d seen me naked many times. He’d touched me while I was naked many times. The only difference was that he would be doing it while he was aroused.

God help me, but in my mind, that was a pretty big difference.

But this was Vaughn.

My Vaughn.

My James.

Vaughn’s big hands lifted my shirt as he slid his rough palms up my sides. I shivered at how good it felt. His eyes held mine as he worked the shirt off over my head. Once it was gone, he just held there, studying me, his eyes open and soft.

The way he was looking at me made me feel like the most beautiful, most cherished thing ever.

But not a possession.

Never that.

I put my hands on his face and relished in the softness of his beard. I kissed him, but he kept it quick and simple. I was expecting him to shift us so I was beneath him, so I wasn’t prepared for him to dip his head.

And close his mouth around my nipple.

Air rushed out of me as electricity fired through my entire body.

“Oh, God,” I whispered as he sucked on me, then licked over the sensitive flesh. His hands roamed over my back slowly, lingering on all the lines of raised flesh. We’d never talked about my scars, but he’d always touched them reverently in the shower… like he’d understood what I’d had to go through to survive them.

“James, please,” I whispered when he started teasing my other nipple. One hand slid down to my waist, then beneath the waistband of my jeans. I wanted to actually thank Con for buying me pants that were just a bit too big because it meant Vaughn could easily slide his fingers past the material. My underwear was another matter, though. It was too snug for him to easily get his hand beneath and he didn’t seem to be in any hurry to do so.

I, on the other hand, had felt his hand on my bare skin there several times and I was very much in a hurry to feel it again.

I grabbed him by the ears to get him to release my nipple. He lifted his head and then my mouth was on his again. Our positions meant I was a little higher than him and I took complete advantage of that fact.

But it didn’t last.

I let out a little gasp when he lifted and moved me beneath him with next to no effort. My heart was in my throat when he pressed me into the mattress, but I managed to quell the immediate need to tell him to stop.

But he’d already stopped.

No, he hadn’t moved off me, but he wasn’t kissing me anymore.

“James,” I began, but he shook his head.

“I’m not going anywhere, Aleks. We’re just going to take as much time with this as you need. Remember, our pleasure is about both of us. And trust me, I won’t get even an ounce of pleasure out of any of this if you aren’t with me one hundred percent.”

I felt both relieved and foolish at the same time. I doubted there were any other men on the planet who had to work as hard as Vaughn did… and who were even half as understanding.

“Okay,” I said. I let my hands roam over his shoulders and down his back. “Will you take this off?” I asked as I tugged at his shirt.

He nodded and reached behind him with one hand to pull the shirt off over his head. He tossed it aside. I made a mental note to wear that one to sleep in tonight because it would smell like him.

It was silly, I knew, because he’d be right next to me and if all this worked out like it should, I’d want to be naked next to him all night, but I did have a weird fascination with his shirts. Maybe because it felt like he was a part of me when I was wearing his shirt.

Maybe that would change tonight.

Though I knew in my head I wasn’t ready to go that far. In my heart, I really wanted to give him all of me, but my brain was already screaming at me not to let it happen. It was warning me that he’d change once he was inside me. My gut was telling me he wouldn’t, but I couldn’t get past that wall in my brain that was meant to protect me from reality.

Because it would destroy me if he turned out to even be a tiny bit like the men who’d hurt me.

It wasn’t fair to him, but it also wasn’t fair to pretend it was something that it wasn’t.

I just wasn’t ready.

Vaughn braced his weight on his elbow so he could caress my face as I ran my hands over his back. He was so well muscled that I couldn’t get enough of testing how different his body felt than mine.

“You’re so beautiful, Aleks,” he murmured.

“You too,” I said. “Handsome, I mean.”

He laughed. “I’ll take beautiful.”

He kissed me gently over and over until I was the one deepening the kiss. My legs were still hanging off the bed so I spread them to ease the awkward position and his body notched between them. I tensed when his groin pressed against mine.

He didn’t tell me to relax or settle down or to not be afraid. He just held really still and watched my eyes.

I took several deep breaths and then began rubbing his back again. Somehow touching him actually calmed me.

We began kissing again and I was just starting to relax and get into it when he practically ripped his mouth from mine. He was panting like crazy and I could feel his hardness grinding against me. I was hard too, but he seemed worse off.

This is it. He’s going to do it now. He’s going to fuck me. He won’t be able to control himself.

“Aleks,” Vaughn breathed.

I needed to tell him no. I needed to tell him I couldn’t do it, but my fear of upsetting him took over. What if he didn’t want to be with me anymore because I wasn’t normal? Was it really worth losing him?

I opened my mouth to tell him I was ready but he suddenly kissed me softly. “Aleks, I want you inside of me… do you want that too?”

Wait.

What?