What have I done?

I looked in the mirror and shook my head at my reflection.

“I don’t know,” I whispered. “I don’t know what I’m doing.”

Part of me wanted to race back to Vaughn and beg him to give me his phone back so I could call my brother and tell him to come get me… to fix everything, to make all the hard decisions about what would happen next.

To make all the decisions always…

I wanted to cry all over as I considered how badly I wanted that – for Dante or Magnus to tell me when to eat and sleep, what clothes to wear, when to speak and when to remain silent, where I could and couldn’t go…

Two years of being allowed to make my own choices should have been something I fought to keep. It was a right I should have been willing to die for. But being free to choose also meant having to deal with doubt and regret.

And I’d had enough of those particular emotions to last me a lifetime, thank you very much.

One choice had ruined my entire life and had torn my entire family apart.

But when I’d finally accepted that I had no choices anymore, I’d finally been safe. Yes, there’d been pain and fear, but there’d been relief too. Giving in had meant being allowed to take my next breath. Survival was the one choice I’d made for myself from the moment I’d been escorted out of the mall twelve years ago under the guise of being reunited with my injured parents, and that was the only reason I was even here today. I knew that, but it didn’t make it any easier to accept that I’d so easily given up what should have been my innate right to keep as mine forever.

Dante had been so proud of me for the choices I’d made for myself these past couple of years, but I doubted he realized how often I’d just wanted to beg him to make them for me. Just like I wanted him to make the choice about whether I stayed with Vaughn or not.

But it’d been like I’d told Magnus… I believed Vaughn and his reason for taking me. I’d seen enough as a kid to know that the men who’d taken me, who’d owned me or had wanted to own me, would do anything to keep their world a secret. It wasn’t just my life that was in danger. They’d kill anyone who stood in their way or who they thought they could use to get to me.

And I couldn’t do that to my brother and his husband-to-be. Or any of the dozens of men and women who’d become my family over the past two years. I might not have interacted with all of them as much as I would have liked, but they never failed to interact with me and always included me in their family events, even when they knew I wouldn’t attend. On my birthday and Christmas I was always showered with presents, even though I wasn’t able to make myself go to the large gatherings. Dante and Magnus had always chosen to celebrate those holidays with me and we’d occasionally have Matty and his fathers there too, but that had been the extent of it.

But now they were all in danger because of me.

I could only hope that the men hunting me wouldn’t figure out my connection to the members of my extended family. But even if they did, I knew Dante would make sure everyone was safe. Not to mention that the men in the large family weren’t exactly helpless. I wasn’t really sure what it was Dante exactly did for Ronan Grisham, the man he worked for. But I’d seen enough to know that it wasn’t just “security” like Dante would always say. I probably should have asked more questions, but that concept was just like the choices one.

I didn’t do either well.

I sighed and stared at myself. I was still wearing the light-yellow button-up shirt with the flower shop’s logo on it, but there was a big wet spot on the lower part of it where I’d thrown up and the top three buttons were gone. My khaki pants looked okay, just really wrinkled. My face was red and splotchy and my eyes looked swollen, likely from the seemingly endless tears.

Those were another consequence of having choices and freedom.

Father hadn’t liked it when I cried. His punishments had proven just exactly how much it displeased him when I showed any kind of emotion. But if I was with Dante or Magnus when something caused me to lose control of myself, all I ended up with was a gentle touch on my shoulder or a strong pair of arms around me that would hold me as tight as I needed until the wayward feelings went away. Even seven-year-old Matty would hug me when he merely suspected I was on edge… of course, he had a habit of hugging me just because.

Magnus’s grandson really was a great hugger.

He was another reason I was doing this… there was no chance in heck I’d risk anything coming even close to that little boy. Even though his fathers were more than capable of taking care of him, I wasn’t going to give the people pursuing me even the opportunity to go after little Matty Hawkins. The boy had spent more than a year battling cancer and deserved a normal childhood… I would not be the reason that was stolen from him.

Spying the shower in my reflection, I turned and got it started. I waited to make sure the water would turn warm, then began unbuttoning the rest of the buttons on my shirt. I stripped it off and then quickly cleaned it using a little soap and water from the sink, then laid it out on the countertop to dry. It wouldn’t be anywhere near dry enough to wear when I was done showering, but it would have to do.

I scanned the drawers and cabinets for some toothpaste but there was nothing. I didn’t even see a towel, so I knew I was going to have to use my wet shirt or risk dampening my pants to dry off. I should just forgo the shower, but between the man in the van touching me, the tears that had left my eyes stinging, and the vomit clinging to my skin, I wanted that shower almost as much as I wanted to go home.

I was in the process of reaching for the button on my pants when something in my periphery caught my attention. I managed not to jump at the sight of Vaughn in the open doorway. It wasn’t until that very moment that I realized I’d left the door open.

Father had never allowed me to close the door of any room I was in by myself, including the bathroom, so in the past two years I’d tried to break that particular habit. But it was something I deliberately had to do and whenever I did, it’d felt like I was disappointing Father and risking his wrath. My brother and Magnus had undoubtedly wondered what was wrong with me whenever they’d see me go into the bathroom in their house and then spend five minutes just opening and closing the door as I tried to convince myself I wouldn’t be punished for putting a door between me and the outside world.

The fact that I was in a strange place and had automatically reverted to the rules Father had instilled in me made me feel sick all over. And the fact that it was Vaughn who was witnessing it all just made me want to go and crawl into the nearest hole I could find.

Vaughn’s eyes skimmed over me and something warm flashed through me as I realized I was naked from the waist up.

I didn’t know why that mattered because he’d seen me completely naked more than once.

“Um, I thought you could use this,” Vaughn said as he remained in the open doorway and handed me something. I couldn’t force myself to move, though, which caused him to frown. Then he put the little bundle on the counter. “When you’re finished in here, we need to get moving again.”

I managed a nod. His eyes moved from my face to my chest and I fought the urge to cover my body with my arms. I’d never been allowed to do that with Father… to hide. After a while I hadn’t cared either way, but with Vaughn… with Vaughn it wasn’t the same thing.

And it wasn’t because I was afraid me being half-naked would spur him to do something.

No, my feelings on the matter were a lot more messed up than that.

Vaughn looked away from me and glanced at the door. “Do you want me to close this?” he asked.

Yes.

“No,” I said. “I’ll… I’ll do it.”

If he thought my comment strange considering he was right there, he didn’t show it. He simply nodded and then turned away.

Like he couldn’t get away from me fast enough. Like the sight of me disgusted him…

I swallowed hard and looked in the mirror at my skinny chest and thin arms. Dante and Magnus were always urging me to eat more, but I still hadn’t gotten used to being allowed to indulge in food. Father had always decided what I was allowed to eat and how much, so having to figure that out for myself was hard. My body had long ago stopped sending signals to my head about being hungry, so these days it was about remembering to eat and drink. With the stress of Caleb’s abduction, I’d been even less focused on food than before.

Did my appearance repulse Vaughn? Did he think me pathetic for not being able to take better care of myself? Did I remind him too much of the mindless boy who’d practically fallen on the pieces of butterscotch candy he’d handed me like a dying man would throw himself into a pool in the middle of the desert?

I let out a little laugh that sounded like more of a whimper.

It wasn’t really those candies I’d been indulging in. It’d been those few seconds I’d gotten to spend with the man who gave them to me. When he hadn’t been scanning our surroundings to make sure we were alone, he’d been watching me peel open the little nuggets of gold and he’d let out the smallest of laughs when I got my first taste of the buttery goodness.

Vaughn had become one big indulgence for me in the months he’d been working for Father. Besides the one trip outside the house every week Father had allowed me to pick up fresh flowers, I hadn’t ever looked forward to anything until Vaughn had shown up at the mansion. He’d given me a lot more than just candy and that wasn’t a good thing.

Because what he’d given me had been something Brian had made sure I’d let go of long before he’d sold me to my next owner.

Hope.

A chill swept over me. Remembering the shower, I quickly hurried to close the door, ignoring the mental warning in my head that it was against the rules. I started to undo my pants, when I noticed the bundle Vaughn had left for me. I reached for it and realized the top item was actually a towel. Beneath it was a small tube of toothpaste and new toothbrush. And underneath that was a shirt… a really big shirt.

My fingers itched to touch the material. I gave in to the need and let my fingers skim over the softness of it. I didn’t know what possessed me to do what I did next, but I did it anyway.

I picked the folded shirt up and held it to my nose.

Then inhaled deeply.

Definitely his.

God, would he smell like this all over?

I remembered how hot his skin had felt when I’d hugged him after he’d lifted me up off the floor of that van.

More warmth filled my body, so much so that it felt almost wrong, so I quickly pulled the shirt back and opened it so I could see how big it really was.

Something fell to the floor and it took me a moment to find it.

And when I did, I forgot all about the shirt and the shower and my state of undress. And the fact that I’d told myself I was done crying.

The dreaded tears began to flow as I dropped to my knees and silently cursed Vaughn in my head.

“Ignore it,” I whispered to myself.

Jesus, it should be such an easy thing – to ignore it, get up, shower, and leave this place.

But I couldn’t move. Not to get up, not even to curl into a ball on the floor like I wanted.

All I could do was stare in confusion as a little spark of unexpected hope began to curl through my entire body as I stared at Vaughn’s “gift” which glittered like gold against the stark, dingy tiles beneath me.

The jerk had brought out the big guns… and he probably didn’t even know it.

Damn freaking butterscotch.