He’s nervous.

That fact should have made me want to call off this whole thing, but it actually made me feel a little better. It was hard to always be the one who was lacking in knowledge and confidence. I knew Vaughn had some vulnerabilities, like his family and how hard his work was on him mentally, but this was the first one that I could do something about.

He was trusting me to take care of him.

I could do that.

I would do that.

No matter what.

Even if I hated what I was about to do, which my gut was telling me I probably wouldn’t, I’d still make sure Vaughn felt only pleasure.

My lust had eased a little bit in the minute it had taken for Vaughn to get the lube and open it. I knew what the slick liquid was for because one of the men I’d been with had used it most of the time.

I’d actually considered myself lucky after the fact because Brian, then later Father, had only used spit. That was something I never would have been okay with doing to Vaughn, even if he’d asked.

I shifted off Vaughn enough so he could turn over, but to my surprise, he didn’t move.

“Put out your fingers,” he said.

Maybe he wanted me to prep him from the front, then he’d turn over?

I held out my fingers.

They were shaking.

Despite some of the confidence that I was feeling that I could still do this, I was scared. My mind still couldn’t make sense of the fact that some men liked this part.

The liquid felt cold on my fingers, so I began rubbing them together to try and warm it up. Vaughn tossed the lube on the bed next to him, then settled one muscled arm beneath his head and watched me through hooded eyes. His legs were on either side of me and his penis was lying against his groin like a stiff piece of pipe. There was clear fluid collecting on his skin. To my amazement, my mouth actually filled with saliva at the sight.

What the heck was that about?

I didn’t like the taste of a man’s release or the stuff that came before it… the guys I’d been with had had all sorts of names for it but they’d all been vile, dirty terms I’d never repeat.

“I never really liked the taste, either,” Vaughn suddenly said and I looked up at him in surprise. “Till yours,” he added.

“What?” I asked stupidly. “But you’ve never…”

“I’ve been covered in your juices nearly every night, Aleks.”

I froze.

He’d tasted it.

Vaughn chuckled and sat up, putting an arm around my waist as he did so. “The before and the after,” he said softly. He looked down at his own stomach and then quickly swiped a finger through the liquid clinging to his skin. “I’m betting yours and mine together is the sweetest,” he murmured.

I had no clue what possessed me to do it, but before he could lick the juices off his finger, I leaned down and closed my mouth around his digit.

He sucked in a breath as I slowly drew my lips up, collecting the fluid as I did so. It had a weird, earthy taste that was also a little sweet. I let my eyes meet his. “You’re right,” I declared quietly. “Definitely the sweetest.”

Vaughn let out a groan and then he kissed me hard and fast. His tongue stole what little of the taste lingered in my mouth.

It turned me on like nobody’s business.

“Get me ready, Aleks,” Vaughn said as his hand closed around the back of my neck and he pressed his forehead to mine. “It’s not going to take much at this point,” he admitted.

He lay back down and then he was shifting his position so more of his backside was exposed. I let out an audible gasp when he lifted his legs up and back just a little and used his own hands to open his body for me.

I was on sensory overload as I stared at his opening.

It was so small.

There was no way I was going to be able to do this and not hurt him. But I also couldn’t deny the fact that my penis had gotten even harder.

Oh God, what did that make me? Was I like Father and the rest of them now? Were my body’s needs more important than the person in front of me? Would I end up hurting Vaughn and not knowing… or caring? What if he told me to stop and I couldn’t? What if I became a monster like them…

“Aleks,” Vaughn called, but it was hard to hear him because I was so caught up in my body and my mind warring with one another. Then Vaughn’s hand was on my face. “Aleks, baby, look at me,” he implored.

I did.

“What those men did to you wasn’t about them going crazy with lust or not being able to control themselves around you or any one of the kids they hurt. Everybody, man or woman, has enough control over themselves to be able to keep from hurting someone else. And anyone who tries to say any different is a fucking coward who is afraid to admit they chose their own satisfaction over another person’s pain. You are not like any of those men and you couldn’t be, even if you tried.”

“I want you so bad, James, I hurt with it… what if that’s all I can feel? What if I don’t see you during—”

He kissed me. “Not possible, Aleks. Your mind is playing tricks on you.”

“But the blackouts—”

“Those were driven by you needing to protect yourself. I promise you, it won’t happen while you’re making love to me. Your focus is going to be on me and only me. And my focus is going to be on you… because that’s what making love is… finding pleasure in just being together.”

I nodded. “I’m sorry,” I said.

He chuckled. “What have I told you about being sorry?”

I laughed and managed to repeat the words he’d repeatedly said to me. “Don’t be…”

Vaughn kissed me until I was breathless. But instead of lying back on the bed, he reached for my hand, the one with the lubed fingers, and gently took it by the wrist. I watched in stunned silence as he got to his knees. It made him a bit taller than me, but for some reason that just turned me on.

Vaughn maneuvered my hand around his side, then over his backside. He guided my slick fingers between his cheeks. I raised myself up so I was as tall as I could be on my knees. I was still a bit shorter than him, but it didn’t matter because I just wanted to be as close to his mouth and his eyes as I could get.

“One finger at first,” Vaughn said as he nuzzled my neck.

I sucked in a breath and nodded, then waited until he let my hand go. I brushed his hole lightly to test what it felt like. Vaughn let out a rush of air, so I did it again. My groin tightened more when he began pumping his backside against my hand a moment later.

Seeking more.

God, he really did want this.

I moved my finger so that I could ease a little bit of the tip inside him. Vaughn stilled, which caused me to still. “Keep going, baby,” Vaughn said with a rush. “You’ll know when to stop.”

I took his word for it and began pushing farther into him. The pressure was intense and my brain was telling me to stop because I knew how badly this first part always hurt. It was the body’s way of trying to keep something out that didn’t belong. But instead of trying to escape my touch, Vaughn was pressing into it, urging my finger deeper inside of him. When something finally gave and the first half of my finger slipped into his body, Vaughn gasped and my instincts had me stopping.

So he could adjust.

Vaughn’s mouth was pressed against my neck, his hot breath coming in pants against my skin.

“More,” he finally breathed against me.

I wasn’t sure why I did it, but I actually pulled my finger out a little before pushing it farther into him. His muscles were so tight around me that my penis was bouncing against my abdomen in anticipation. I had no experience to base it on, but I just knew he’d feel amazing around me when the time came.

I just hoped I felt amazing to him.

“So good,” Vaughn growled in my ear as his right hand closed around the back of my head. He began kissing the shell of my ear.

“Fuck me with it, baby,” he said.

His use of the word “fuck” should have had me wanting to end this whole thing, but the word just didn’t mean the same thing.

Especially not how he’d said it.

And especially since I was the one doing the fucking.

I began pulling my finger out and pushing it back into him in what I hoped was a smooth, rhythmic glide. His body seemed to loosen a little around the digit and soon Vaughn was the one doing the fucking… of my finger.

“Add the other one,” Vaughn ordered.

I gladly followed the demand because I could hear the need in Vaughn’s voice.

And he was right.

I was totally focused on his pleasure.

I took my time pushing my second finger into him. Like the first one, there was a point where I could tell he needed me to stop, then move slowly before speeding up. I was so in tune with his needs that it was both frightening and freeing at the same time.

Within a couple of minutes, I was pumping my fingers into him without any kind of finesse.

“Aleks, can I touch you?”

I knew what kind of touching he meant.

…that’s what making love is… finding pleasure in just being together.

He was right. I was getting just as much pleasure out of touching him like this as when I’d been grinding my penis against his belly all these past nights. Why wouldn’t it be the same for him? That touching me was about him both giving and receiving pleasure?

“Yes,” I whispered harshly, because I wanted to make sure there was no question about my answer.

A big, hot hand closed around my dick and I let out a gasp and then pressed my mouth against his chest. I kept my fingers inside of him but had to stop moving them because it felt like my head was going to blow off when Vaughn began stroking me.

His palm was just a little calloused so his skin felt kind of rough against mine, but that only made it feel that much better. I began pumping into his hand, much like he’d pumped against the fingers I had inside of him. As badly as I wanted to experience all this new sensation, I knew I wasn’t going to last.

“It’s too much,” I cried out desperately.

Vaughn’s hand stopped, then slowed. “Make love to me, Aleks,” Vaughn said.

“Yes… yes,” I said raggedly as I nodded my head. I knew he was talking about the next step. I carefully removed my fingers from his body and instantly missed the heat and tightness. Vaughn shifted away from me briefly, then he was back with the condom in his hand. I watched as he removed it from the packaging. He worked it down my penis and I had to hold my breath from exploding then and there. He worked quickly to add some lube, then his mouth was on mine.

“Just go slow and you’ll know when I need you to let me adjust and when I’m ready for more,” Vaughn assured me. He moved so that he was lying flat on his back.

I was confused by the position. When he lifted his legs and separated them, understanding registered.

He wanted me to take him that way.

I hadn’t even known such a thing was possible.

But it meant I’d get to look at him while I was inside him. I’d be able to tell more easily if I was hurting him or pleasuring him.

I leaned over Vaughn and used my hand to guide myself to his opening. The condom felt weird on my dick, but that actually helped cool my passion a tiny bit. Enough that I’d hopefully at least be able to get inside him and do whatever it was he needed me to do to make him come. I could only pray that I was better at it than the men I’d been with.

That wasn’t about making love, Aleks… they weren’t interested in your pleasure or comfort, I reminded myself.

I took a breath and just like with my fingers, I slid forward slowly. I latched my eyes onto Vaughn’s. He kept his open and on mine until the head of my penis pushed past that really strong muscle. Then he closed them.

“James, please, open your eyes,” I begged as a moment of insecurity overcame me. “I need to see them.”

He instantly did as I asked. He reached out to touch my face.

“It just burns a little, Aleks. But I can already feel it changing over… I’m good, I swear it.”

I didn’t know what it could possibly be changing over to, because all I’d ever felt at this point was like I was being torn in two, but the wonder I saw in Vaughn’s eyes as he seemed to experience a range of sensations and emotions made me relax. I held where I was until I saw the silent signal in his beautiful, dark eyes that said he was ready for more.

So I gave it to him.