It was the end of my third week and I was enjoying everything university had to offer; the classes, the work and most of all being with people who were my generation, albeit a few years younger than my twenty-four years. I was working hard at my studies and although I had only been here a couple of weeks I was making good progress. I made it a firm rule to only touch a piece of work once. I hadn’t got the time to spare to do it any other way.

The two weekends I had gone home, I had spent mainly holed up in my room, working solidly. I knew I couldn’t do this for long as my parents would very soon start to question the change in me, and my attitude towards them would be brought up. But it was very necessary right now. It helped me in two ways, it helped with the time constraints on my studies. It also kept me away from my family and Anton. I still hadn’t come to terms with the facts that Katy had made me face up to, and didn’t want to be around any of them. That, for the moment, even included my poor weak mum. In fact, it was her that now scared me the most. She was, I had quickly comprehended, me in the future, unless I was able to gather the strength I needed to break free from the chains that symbolically bound me.

I had begun to question everything at home, not believing I had lived there for twenty-four years without doing so before. It was almost like I’d been drugged into docility, and I had concerns, major concerns. At meal times, I started listening to conversations more thoroughly than ever before, and I wasn’t liking what I was starting to piece together.

The only respite from work that I allowed myself during my weekends at home, was to spend time with Fox and to ride Beauty out, they were a very welcome relief.

Katy and I hadn’t brought up my engagement again, we had however done things I had only ever dreamt of doing before. She had taken me into town on the first morning we both had free and had helped me choose a few new bits and pieces to wear. I was now the very proud owner of three pairs of jeans and a handful of T-shirts to wear with them, a university hoodie she had insisted that I just had to have, and some flat pumps. I had also, much to my horror, been talked into buying a couple of new dresses that fitted me, and both had a hem that came above my knee. I hadn’t been at all comfortable with wearing either of them at first, and had just stared at the changing room mirror hardly recognising myself in the reflection. But Katy, who had squeezed into the tight cubicle with me, convinced me that I just had to have them. My wardrobe now also contained a couple of short flowy skirts, some ripped jean shorts and some silky vest tops, in light summery colours, that Katy had also persuaded me I just had to have. The bill wasn’t too bad as most of the clothing was in the sale. I counted out some of the notes that I had saved over the years, with a sense of pride and freedom that I hadn’t ever encountered before. God forbid I should use my credit card in a shop I knew my father would condemn. I would use that for books, stationary and required reading material only.

Life, it appeared, was going just as I had hoped it would. The only problem I had was my growing attraction to Jack.

As much as I had listened to Katy and her warnings about him, as much as I tried to tell myself that I was courting with danger, I just couldn’t seem to get him out of my mind. Apart from sharing the flat and the amenities, we spent two lectures together during the week and then two sessions afterwards where we worked together bashing out our ideas. He really did have the most phenomenal brain and I was often pleased with his quick grasp of whatever concepts the professor gave us. In the past two weeks, Jack had even been punctual and stayed awake during the lectures, much to the Professor’s delight.

It wasn’t his work ethic that I now constantly questioned, but like some hormone-filled teenager, whenever I was in his presence I quietly mulled over whether he had a similar attraction to me. The trouble was I had no gauge to go by. So, I found myself yet again, on our second collaboration of the third week, watching him intently, wondering just what he was thinking, as he finished writing down our latest idea on the tatty scraps of paper that he always carried with him.

Jack had been to the gym earlier and had ran into the library right on the cusp of being late, his pounding feet releasing a cacophony of “Ssshhh” from the various students there. I had been in our usual spot, up high on the very ornate, oak-carved mezzanine level that completely encircled the lower level of books. He had run in and stood stock still, lifting his eyes up to scan across the whole of the balcony until he found me. A big smile had swept over his features as he saw me offer him a tentative wave, then he had bounded as quietly as possible up the stairs. It gave me the opportunity to fully take him in. Hair still wet from the shower, a show of stubble over his face, black sweat shorts hanging illegally low on his hips and his favourite geeky, very colourful, Marvel T-shirt. I knew how he would smell before he even reached me, but when the spicy wafts hit me I had to close my eyes and inhale deeply. My heart beat fiercely as soon as he came within reach.

I was captivated by him. The last two occasions when I knew we were going to meet, I had made sure I’d dressed in something pretty. I was playing with fire. I was trying to get his attention and I knew it, but I couldn’t stop myself. For the first time in my life I wanted someone to find me pretty, to want me for me. For the first time ever, I wanted to feel how other people my age felt when they fell in lust. I knew it couldn’t come to anything, but I was enjoying flirting with him, and that’s what I was convinced I was now doing.

I was playing a dangerous game.

I knew I shouldn’t want him.

I knew I couldn’t have him.

I knew I was putting myself at risk of my father’s wrath, but for some unknown reason I didn’t care. Unless I could break free, I had two years of life and I wanted to grab hold of them tightly and live them to the maximum. After all, I had convinced myself that flirting and having fun wasn’t really breaking the rules.

‘That’s us finished for the day.’ I watched as Jack folded up his crumpled piece of paper and began to push it down deep into his pocket. How he ever knew where to find what he needed was beyond me. He looked up from his job in hand. ‘You look far too pretty to be inside a library, you need showing off to the world, Lils. Do ya fancy grabbing a cold drink and maybe something to eat?’

‘Thanks… Yes, that’s a good idea.’ I had never been on the end of a compliment before. My cheeks burnt with the blush that consumed them and I had to stop myself from trying to persuade him otherwise. I pushed my chair back so I could stand up and away from the table we had been working at and bent down to pick up my books, pushing the hem of my skirt down as I did so. Jack, being typical Jack, only had the couple of pieces of paper that were now stuffed into his pockets and a plastic biro with a very chewed end, which he had placed over his ear.

‘I thought we could get a drink. We could go and sit over on the bank… whatcha think?... It’s a nice day.’ He smiled broadly in encouragement.

‘Sounds like a lovely idea.’

I followed Jack to the top of the stairs and he stood back, holding out one hand to carry my books and waving his other arm at me, silently indicating for me to go first. I smiled my thanks and started down the stairs holding on to the banister tightly. I knew that I very often became a complete blithering idiot when in his presence and really didn’t fancy falling bottom over boobs down the stairs.

The sunlight was still strong even though it was now early October. We were having an Indian summer the weather forecasters said. I knew we were all enjoying the freedom it gave us to spend time outdoors, as we knew it wouldn’t last much longer.

With food and drink bought from one of the many restaurants on the campus we made our way to the grass bank that overlooked the large man-made pond. The day was really something, the light, warm breeze made the now mainly crisp leaves quiver and shake. The noise they made sounded like part of a percussion in an orchestra. They were all different shades of yellows, oranges and reds, and as they moved it looked like the sunlight was dancing on the water. I couldn’t remember a more beautiful start to autumn. It was only enhanced by the gorgeous man beside me.

‘How about here?’ Jack speaking brought me back from my thoughts.

‘Here looks just great.’ And it was. I only had one concern after a quick look around us, and that was the lack of other people. He had brought us to somewhere secluded.

‘OK?’ Jack questioned as he threw himself down onto the long grass.

‘Yes… fine,’ I added hesitantly.

‘What is it… are ya scared of being alone with me, Lils?’ he gently teased.

At his question, I made my tense body move. I placed my food down next to him and with as much ladylike precision as I could summon up, I curled my bare legs underneath me and sat down next to him, making sure my short flowery skirt covered as much of my bare flesh as possible. I watched silently as he pulled off his faded blue T-shirt, both hands pulling it from the back of his neck, up and over his head in one quick movement, revealing his toned, bare chest. He was young, but so beautiful. You could see very evident muscle definition on his torso and on each arm. The T-shirt was unceremoniously balled up for Jack to lay his head on. He relaxed into his prone position; ankles crossed over, one hand behind his head holding the T-shirt in place and the other feeding himself a warm sausage roll. His eyes were closed and I allowed my eyes to wander up and down him. My eyes lifted to his face and for the first time I realised just how perfect his features were. His eyelashes were long and such a deep black that they reminded me of coal.

‘I can feel ya looking at me, Lils. Whatcha thinking?’

‘Nothing much…’

‘Uh huh…So, while you’re thinking nothing much, tell me a bit more about yourself.’

‘There’s nothing…’ He suddenly opened one bright blue eye and interrupted me.

‘No… come on, don’t try and fob me off with “there’s nothing to say,” please.’ I laughed at his quick reaction.

‘Okay, but I’m really very boring. I’m an only child, I’m twenty-four years old and still live at home with my parents.’ I paused, waiting for him to question why I had started university so late. But nothing came, so I carried on. ‘I come from a village in Kent, near to where Katy lives.’

‘All good facts, but tell me about you…’

I could feel the heat coming up from my core as a whoosh until it hit my cheeks. No one had ever really wanted to know about me before, only Katy.

‘I don’t really know what to say. What do you want? My guilty pleasures are, copious amounts of chocolate and Love Heart sweets. My favourite colour is purple. My favourite author is Jane Austin. I love animals. I have a horse called Beauty, she’s black of course, and a scruffy dog called Fox as he’s a red colour. God! I have a bit of a theme going there, don’t I?’ I laughed out loud and it felt so good. It felt good to be out in the sun, sharing things with a friend, sharing things with him.

Jack’s eyes opened wide at my laughter and a huge grin swept over his face. ‘I knew I liked you, and that’s obviously why. I love animals too, in fact I often prefer them to human beings.’ That I knew was an understatement. I had watched Jack lose his temper a couple of times already with other men, and he seriously took no prisoners. He didn’t scare me at all, he didn’t seem to have a problem with females. In fact, he made me feel safe. He carried on speaking and I let my thoughts go. ‘I often wonder why the hell I’m doing a boring degree like economics and maths when I could’ve chosen something that I’m passionate about, like animal science.’

‘So, why are you studying this then, Jack?’

‘Oh, you know, family wanting the best for me and all that shit.’ He took the last bit of his sausage roll into his mouth and I watched. It appeared I was even obsessed with watching his mouth when he was chewing, his lips were so full and inviting.

I have whatever this is, bad!

I shut my eyes, pulled myself together and managed to once again re-join the conversation.

‘Yes, I know all about family’s wants.’ My voice started to drift away and when I realised that he had noticed, I added in quickly, ‘Tell me about your family?’

I watched as Jack’s face lit up even more, as though I was asking him about his favourite subject. I quickly went back to nervously plucking blades of grass, one at a time. He cleared his throat and began.

‘Well, I’m lucky. I have the average family; mum, dad and two siblings. My sisters and I are very close. I’m the baby, of course… that’s where I get these baby-faced looks from. I’m twenty, I also live at home.’ I allowed my attention to wander up from the smooth grass to his face and smiled at him, thinking how much younger than me he was, but how much more worldly and together he seemed.

‘I love your smile; do ya know that? In fact, I would do almost anything to put it there.’ He reached his long arm up and stroked very gently down my cheek. That very simple touch made my body jerk awake in response. I reluctantly moved away from him a little and his arm dropped away to pick up his drink. With a sigh, he sat up and started to chug at the orange juice he had bought.

The silence between us was deafening.

‘What’s going on, Lily?’ he questioned.

‘What do you mean?’

‘There’s chemistry between us, like I’ve never felt before. We enjoy each other’s company and hell you’ve been flirting with me for like two weeks now. Yet, if I touch ya, you back off like a frightened animal.’

‘Jack, I’m engaged… I’ve already told you.’

He turned his body around to face mine, his heavy boots clumping into the grass as he inched his body nearer to close the gap between us. His long legs were now placed either side of me, effectively trapping me within the confines of his body. I looked at his face that was now only inches from mine.

‘Jack?’ I implored, confused at finding us so close.

‘What, Lily? You’re a mess of mixed signals, do ya know that?... Yes, you told us you were engaged, but you sure as hell don’t act like an engaged person should. I can only think that either your head or your heart ain’t in it… or maybe it’s both?’

‘I can assure you I’m very engaged,’ I added in my defence. His body encasing mine, even with no contact, was causing strange sensations to zip around my body. I could smell his spicy cologne and I desperately wanted to bury my face into the crevice where his shoulder met his neck, just to see if his skin felt as warm as I imagined it would.

‘Your words say you are, but your body tells me otherwise.’ He let that hang between us for a few seconds, then he suddenly leapt up to his feet and I was left sitting on the grass in a puddle of awakened hormones, staring at his black unlaced boots. I lifted my gaze to see him almost fighting with himself not to touch me. He had his hands clasped together at the top of his head, and he was staring down at me. ‘I think you should agree to go out with me.’

‘I… can’t, Jack. I don’t date.’

‘I know ya don’t go out with anyone, but you can feel this as well as I can. Denying it won’t make it disappear. I think we need to see exactly what’s going on here with us.’

‘I’ve never been on a date.’ I realised what I had said as the words left my mouth. I allowed my eyes to leave his and travel back down his bare chest to his boots.

‘Never? That there says it all… What engaged woman has never been out on a fucking date? What sorta guy wouldn’t want ya by his side all the time? The women in my family are adored, and my dad and I are only too pleased to take them out…’ I heard a long exhale of disbelief leave his mouth. ‘Agree to come out with me, Lils. I won’t force ya… but I will try my best to convince you that ya should… I warn you though… if you say no, I won’t ask you again.’ I heard him crack his knuckles, something he seemed to do when he was thinking about something.

‘I’m four years older than you. Why would you want a date with me? There are loads of young women here fawning all over you. I don’t understand why you want to go out with me?’ I spat out, angry at his warning.

I watched as he rocked back on his boots, his jeans moved down a little and I knew he had pushed his hands down deep inside his pockets in frustration.

‘Don’t use my age as a reason why we can’t be together. Age isn’t a reason, it’s just a fucking number.’ I could hear anger creeping into his voice. My words had obviously found an exposed nerve.

I remained still as he once again changed his position in front of me. His knees bent and he sat back on his haunches, bringing him nearly to my level once again. His elbows came down to rest on his knees, making him lean so very close to where I sat.

‘Just because the date I was born is four years after yours, don’t doubt that I’m competent enough to look after ya, to make you smile and laugh, to make love to you, to make ya scream my name in the throes of ecstasy… I’ve seen, taken part in, and experienced more in my lifetime than some forty-year-olds.’ His hand reached out and his thumb brushed over my trembling bottom lip. It seemed the overprotective Jack was coming out to play and it appeared he didn’t like to be thwarted.

‘If my age is all that’s stopping ya from being with me, then you’re the one showing your immaturity, not me.’

I reluctantly turned my face, leaving his hand to once again fall away.

‘You don’t understand, I can’t do this… I’m not free. You think you want me, but I’m sure it’s just a phase you’re going through. Once you’ve had me, you’ll drop me just as quickly. I can’t allow you to have me, I don’t know how to let you have me!’ I was also starting to feel the stirrings of anger. Anger at him for his demands, but mainly anger at my situation. I should be free to choose my own path in life, but I knew I wasn’t strong enough to do it.

Jack shook his head at my outburst.

‘If you want to behave like a spoilt petulant child, then believe me I’ll treat you like one.’ His voice deepened with his anger

‘What are you going to do, take my sweets?’ I felt my hands lift to either side of my hips.

The anger between us was now palpable.

‘No… but I’ll spank your arse until it turns pink under my hand. Does that answer your question?’

I looked down, shocked at his last comment, but I also felt hotter than ever. I had never experienced the feelings before that this man just seemed to be able to drag out of me. But I wasn’t uncomfortable with them, not with him. If Anton had said something about smacking my bottom I would have felt sick with revulsion, of that I was sure.

‘No answer? Fine, I’ll leave you to eat your lunch in peace. See ya after the weekend.’ I watched as his long legs spirited him down the bank and away. He tucked a corner of his T-shirt into a front pocket and disappeared from my view.

I wanted to tell him I wasn’t going home this weekend, but after our fraught conversation I hadn’t dared to.

I ate my lunch in silence, the beauty of the place I was sat in seemed much duller now without his presence.