I didn’t sleep one second that night.
I barely remembered closing my eyes. Every time I did it took me right back to the moment my life was abruptly taken from me.
When I died.
I thought I hurt that day, but the pain the next morning was almost unbearable. There wasn’t one place on my body that felt like mine anymore. I was a stranger in my own skin.
Dylan held me the entire night, refusing to let me go. I wish I could tell you it gave me comfort, or made me feel safe, loved, and cared for.
It didn’t.
It made me sick to my fucking stomach.
His scent.
I resisted the urge to push him away and throw up all night. From the second he touched every one of my bruises in the shower, to the way he kissed over every one of them in the bed, down to the minute he looked in between my legs. I wanted to be sick.
I let him hold me because what else could I do?
I didn’t blame him.
But I couldn’t look at him either. Everything I loved about him was ripped away from me, his touch, his lips, his music, his smell.
His love.
Every single time I looked at him all I felt was hatred, hatred for the man that did nothing but love me.
He stirred a little when I moved away from him and I bit my lip hard to hold in the pain and not let it escape through my mouth. I didn’t want to wake him. I didn’t even want to be near him right now.
I don’t know what time it was when I decided to give up on pretending to sleep. I winced the instant my feet touched the carpeted floor, holding onto my ribs that were definitely broken. I stood there for a few seconds, breathing through the agony that took over the body I didn’t recognize. I slowly walked toward the bathroom, trying not to make a sound.
I wanted to be alone, I used to hate to be alone.
I wanted and needed to take another shower. To rinse away the filth that covered my entire body.
I could still smell him.
I could still hear him.
I could still fucking feel him all over.
When I finally reached the bathroom, I made sure to lock the door behind me. There wasn’t a chance in Hell that I would allow Dylan to hold me again. Once was enough. I cringed at the thought. I leaned over on the counter, completely naked and alone. Desperately trying to hold up my frame that seemed to want to give out on me.
I peered up into the mirror, and I didn’t recognize the girl staring back at me. Her eyes were bloodshot, glazed over, and hollow. Her cheek had a bruise right at the bridge. I brought my hand up to it and the image of him backhanding me across the face immediately flew through my mind. Her neck had finger marks and bruises. There wasn’t any skin color left on her chest, ribs, and stomach- they were purple, blue, and black all over.
I touched the boot print near my belly button and shook my head, closing my eyes to block out the memory of him kicking me before he left me there to die. My hand moved down to my folds as if a string was pulling it, I hissed out in pain before I even got to my pubic bone. My gaze never left the mirror as I took in every last inch of my broken body. Gradually turning around to see my back that resembled my torso.
I scoffed in disgust when I thought about how much I wanted Dylan to mark me the night before. To leave bruises on me. To make me his.
Did I ask for this?
Did I bring it on myself?
Dylan’s markings intertwined with his and I couldn’t tell them apart. I didn’t know which I asked for and which I didn’t.
I didn’t know anything anymore. I was a black hole of nothing.
I turned on the shower, setting it on the hottest temperature possible, stepping inside, welcoming the heat. Hoping that it would burn away my tainted skin, scorch away the feeling of his hands all over me, his body on top of mine. The hold I knew that would never go away, no matter how much I tried, how much I wanted it to.
My mind ran wild. I couldn’t get it to stop, image after image of my brutal attack playing out in front of me. I was like a hamster on a spinning wheel with nowhere to go.
Round and round in circles with no end in sight.
I heard the rustling of the doorknob and then the knocking on the door.
“Darlin’,” he spoke as I pressed my hands against the shower wall, leaning my forehead on the cool rustic tile.
“Baby, please,” he begged, making me cringe with the simple word baby.
I closed my eyes and all I could see was him. The coward who hid behind a cloak of anonymity, the monster who raped me physically and killed my very being.
And all I could smell was Dylan.
I fell over, heaving down the drain.
“Shit! Aubrey, open the damn door!” He pounded.
I threw up again, holding my ribs that ached in pain. Protesting against my actions.
“Ugh!” I let out, hurling up some more. I spit, wiping my mouth with the back of my hand as I slid down the tile.
“Aubrey! Please! Please, don’t do this!” he pleaded, beating on the door.
I instantly placed my hands over my ears, tuning out his voice, shutting out my own. I shook my head back and forth.
“Leave me alone! Please just leave me alone!” I shouted until my voice felt raw.
The banging on the door stopped.
Except the one in my mind had only just started.
We stayed a few extra days, giving Aubrey some time before she had to face anyone back home.
I couldn’t tell you how many showers she took, she would stay in there for hours upon hours, as I sat waiting for her to talk to me, to look at me, to acknowledge that I was even in the fucking room.
She never did.
She didn’t raise her gaze to mine.
She didn’t sleep in our room.
She didn’t want to be anywhere near me.
She either showered or she lay in the room that I brought her to after I found her. The door stayed closed and locked.
I would knock to tell her I left food by the door, but I would come back hours later and the food remained on the ground untouched. The days went by like that with no change, no progress, nothing. I went to sleep every night praying that she would come to me, that she would crawl into my bed and let me hold her. Let me tell her how much I loved her and how sorry I was. How I would spend the rest of my life making it up to her. I held onto the hope that after some time she would let me back in. I barely slept, waking up in pure panic every night remembering how I found her lifeless and everything that happened after. Her dead eyes and broken body was the only image I saw of her now.
My girl was gone.
I woke up one morning, groggy as hell and looked over at the clock. It read almost noon. I shook off the sleep, surprised that I even slept in that late. The sleepless nights and overwhelming days must have caught up with me. I sat at the edge of the bed, leaning forward to place my elbows on my knees. I ran my fingers through my hair, pulling it away from my face and holding it at the nook of my neck.
I sat there contemplating and racking my brain for what I could do that day to make it different than the last. I gave up trying after a few minutes. I threw on some gym shorts and made my way to the kitchen to make us some breakfast, even though I already knew Aubrey wasn’t going to eat it. I stopped dead in my tracks when I saw that her bedroom door was open. I immediately ran toward it in hopes that she would let me see her.
That she was waiting for me.
When I reached the room it was empty, her bed untouched like she hadn’t even been sleeping in it. I opened the bathroom door, and she was nowhere in sight.
“Aubrey?” I called out into the house to no avail. “What the fuck?”
I walked outside and peered around, calling out her name some more. The rental car still securely parked in the grass. I went back into her room and that’s when I noticed her suitcase was gone. I opened the drawers and all her clothes had disappeared, too. I turned in a circle searching for something, anything, raking my hands through my hair, ready to pull it out.
“Jesus Christ,” I muttered to myself.
She left without saying goodbye.
I called her cell phone and it went straight to voicemail. I texted her a few times and got no response. I waited for hours, worried sick. How could she do this, after everything? Our flight was supposed to leave the very next afternoon, but she couldn’t even wait one more damn day to get away from me. I spent the entire day trying to call her and text her again and again, finally giving up around nine.
I called her mom.
“Hey, honey,” she answered. “Are you as exhausted as Aubrey?”
I breathed a sigh of relief. “Something like that.”
She laughed. “You kids had a good time, huh? Aubrey looks like she hasn’t slept in days.”
I nodded even though she couldn’t see me.
“That was quite a fall though. I wish one of you had told me. I’m not very happy about being left in the dark.”
“Fall?” I asked, confused. I had to sit down to hear this.
“Aubrey told me about you guys running through the trails and her sliding down a hill into a valley. She looks so beat up, Dylan, but she told me you took good care of her and she went to a clinic to get looked at. I understand that you guys didn’t want me to worry.”
I was instantly sick to my fucking stomach.
“Dylan? Honey, are you there?”
“Yeah, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, ma’am.” I cleared my throat, my voice breaking.
“Oh, it’s okay. I know you would never let anything happen to our girl. I know she’s safe with you. I understand accidents happen, just next time please let me know, so I’m not surprised when I see my daughter walk in with bruises and cuts on her body.”
“Mmm hmm…” Was all I could manage to get out.
“Are you alright? Aubrey said she wasn’t feeling good. She’s been in her room all day in bed. She barely touched her lunch and dinner. You guys coming down with something?”
“Maybe,” I simply stated.
“Well, get better, okay? I know Aubrey can’t go more than a few hours without seeing you,” she laughed.
“Yes, ma’am.”
“Was there a reason you were calling?”
“Umm… yeah.” I scratched my head. “Aubrey wasn’t answering her phone. I just wanted to make sure she was alright.”
“Awww, Dylan. You’re a mothers dream for their daughter. I’ll tell her you called.”
“Thank you. Have a goodnight.”
“You too.”
I hung up with her mom. I was livid, for all I knew she could have been dead somewhere. My anger got the best of me. I took my phone and threw at the wall. I watched it break just like my heart had.
I went home by myself the next afternoon.
I drove to her house as soon as my plane landed. I barely had my Jeep in park before I opened the door to get out. I made it up her porch steps in three strides and knocked on her front door, but no one answered. I knew her mom would be at work. I stepped back and looked up at her bedroom window, it was dark and I couldn’t see a thing.
I knew she was in there.
I could feel her.
“Darlin’, please…” I shouted, praying that she would hear me and open the front door.
She didn’t.
I sat on her porch with my back against the door for hours, knocking every few minutes. I realized she wouldn’t answer, but I hoped that maybe her knowing that I was there, still waiting for her, would reassure her that I wasn’t going anywhere, no matter what.
I nodded off a few times and woke up to my phone that I replaced that morning, pinging with a text message. I swiped over the screen.
Please. Leave me alone.
I didn’t have to wonder who it was from. I replied back.
Never.
She stopped texting me. That was the last message I received, and I went home an hour later. Days of not seeing her, of not talking to her, turned into weeks. Not for my lack of trying. I was going fucking crazy, and there was nothing I could do about it.
Not one damn thing.
All I could was wait.
I was all out of prayers.
“Hey,” Alex said, sitting beside me at her parents’ restaurant. “Why aren’t you surfing with the boys?” She gave me a worried look. It was out of character for me not to be surfing, but I wasn’t up for anything lately.
I shrugged, looking out at the patio from the corner table.
“Are you okay?”
I shrugged again.
She picked up my arm, placing it around her tiny frame to lie against my shoulder. We stayed like that in comfortable silence for a while.
“The first time you boys started bringing girls around, I hated every last one of them. I thought you were replacing me with boobs and blonde hair.”
I chuckled, and it sounded so foreign coming from my mouth. I couldn’t remember the last time I laughed.
“You know I never felt that way with Aubrey. Not once. I loved her instantly. She is like the sister I never had, other than Lily of course.”
I nodded, hugging her closer to me.
“I may not understand what you boys do.”
I knew she was referring to Lucas, but I didn’t call her out on it.
“At the end of the day you’re a part of me, each one of you. A bond like that can never be broken.”
I glanced at her, understanding her subtle metaphor and she smiled. I caught someone out of the corner of my eye, and that’s when I saw her.
Aubrey.
I instantly stood up. Our eyes connected from across the room, as if she felt me. For the first time since I met her I couldn’t read her. I didn’t know what she was thinking, what she was feeling, what she wanted or needed. That scared me more than anything.
I stepped toward her and she stepped back, shaking her head no. My face frowned, confusion quickly taking over my entire body. I cocked my head to the side with wide eyes not believing what the fuck I was seeing, what the fuck was happening. She took one last look at me and turned to leave.
I booked it across the room, and roughly gripped her arm when I caught up to her. I didn’t think before I acted. She flinched, her body locking up. I dropped her arm like she was on fire and her skin burned my hand. She shut her eyes tightly, hugging her torso, slightly shaking.
“Shit!” I instinctively reached for her but pulled back. “I didn’t think, darlin’, I’m sorry.”
She bit her lip, lightly nodding.
“But how can you just run away from me like that?”
She stepped back, needing to get further away from me, like I repulsed her.
“What the hell?” I stepped toward her again, and she suddenly opened her eyes.
“Please, Dylan, please just give me some space, okay?” She moved back yet again.
“Jesus Christ, suga’, you can’t even be near me? Look I know what happened—”
“You. Know. Nothing,” she gritted out with a hateful glare.
I stood there shocked, not recognizing the girl standing in front of me. Her bruises and cuts may have been gone, but so was she.
“I’m only here because my mom wanted some dinner from this restaurant. If it were up to me I would never leave my room again, but I can’t do that. Now can I?” she sneered.
I jerked back. “Who do you think you’re talking to, Aubrey?”
She turned, walking towards her mom’s car, dismissing me. She opened the door and at the last second stopped to look at me.
“No one,” she answered. “Not anymore.”
She got in the car and left, taking my heart with her.
Leaving me standing there.
To die inside.
“Thanks for your help, Aunt Celeste,” I said into the phone. “Talk soon.” I hung up.
Seventy-six days.
Ten weeks.
Two months.
Since I recognized the girl that stared back at me in the mirror.
She doesn’t smile.
She doesn’t laugh.
She barely talked.
She hardly moved.
The reflection peering back at me as I sat in front of my vanity was just a body. There was no soul, no life, a shell of a human being.
“I love you,” I muttered so low I could scarcely hear it. “I love you,” I repeated a little louder. “I. Love. You,” I yelled out, emphasizing each word.
I reached for my heart but nothing changed, the beat still remained neutral, a complete lack of any emotion.
Life.
I stood up so fast, I knocked my chair over, raising my fist and slamming it into the mirror as hard as I could. It shattered all around my hand. Shards of glass cut through my numb skin.
Still nothing.
“I hate you!” I punched it again, the glass breaking wider. “I fucking hate you!” I yelled, smashing my fist into the mirror over and over again. Screaming at the top of my lungs, “I fucking hate you! I hate you! Do you hear me! I hate you!”
Dylan rushed into my bedroom out of nowhere, grabbing me tightly around my wrist.
Too tight.
Too hard.
Too much.
“What the fuck are you doing?” he roared too close to my face.
I shut my eyes, holding in my breath with his smell all around me.
“What are—”
“No! No! No!” I shrieked, roughly pulling away my arm, shaking my head back and forth.
He wrapped his arms around me, engulfing me in nothing but his scent and I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t move. I was suffocating, drowning deeper in my despair, in the memories that haunted me when I was awake and when I tried to sleep. He closed me in tighter, and pressed me firmly against him, I could feel him everywhere and all at once.
“Don’t fucking touch me!” I screamed bloody murder, pushing him as hard as I could and his back hit the wall. I didn’t falter.
“FUCK YOU! I hate you! I hate you!” I repeated, hitting all over his face. He tried to block each and every advance, so I pushed him and hit him harder.
“Aubrey, calm the fuck down,” he reasoned only pissing me off more.
That was it. I couldn’t take it anymore.
“I hate you! I hate you! I hate you so fucking much!” I sobbed, hitting and shoving him the closer he tried to come toward me. “I fucking hate you! I hate you!”
My eyes blurred with nothing but tears, and my body twisted with the longing to break apart.
“I hate you! I hate you!” I yelled, talking to myself. I repeated it over and over to let it sink into my pores, drain into blood and make it become a part of me. Making me truly believe it, truly know that this was the end. There was no hope for me.
For us.
I shuddered to the ground, taking him with me as I sat on my knees with my body hunched over.
“I can’t breathe, Dylan. I can’t fucking breathe,” I bawled uncontrollably. “I feel like I’m dying. I feel like I’m dying everyday. It won’t go away! It will never go away! And I can’t breathe!”
He pulled me into his lap and I let him, desperately trying to block out his scent that assaulted me all over.
“Shhh… it’s okay, suga’… it’s okay, I’m here,” he sympathized, his own voice breaking.
I collapsed into his arms, emotionally, physically, mentally exhausted.
I was there, but I wasn’t.
He placed my hand over his heart.
“Feel me, Aubrey, feel my heart.”
I tried, I really did, but I couldn’t feel anything because I knew…
His was broken, too.