I didn’t expect to stay on the phone that long. A conversation that wasn’t supposed to take longer than a few minutes lasted almost an hour. When I looked down at the time, I realized Aubrey should have been back by now. The hair on my arms stood up and an awful fucking feeling instantly took over.
I ran into the bedroom and grabbed the first shirt I could find from the drawer. Throwing it on over my head as I sprinted toward the door. I didn’t even lock it behind me. I just took off, my feet moving on their own accord. The longer it took to find her, the worse the feeling bubbled up inside me. Soon, all I felt was panic and a deep urgency to see her. I pushed through, my feet hitting the dirt faster and faster, sweat pooling at my temples with my heart beating out of my chest.
The closer I got to her the more I sensed her around me. She had to be close by. The dreadful feeling built higher and higher, making it nearly impossible for me to remain calm.
I shouldn’t have let her go alone, I shouldn’t have told her to go without me. I shouldn’t have taken the damn call.
Plaguing thoughts were assaulting my mind, one right after the other, turning inklings of fear into pure panic that something terrible could have happened to her and I allowed it to. The trail began to ascend, causing me to slow my pace. I knew I had to be close, I swear I could hear her. Right before the trail started to even out I saw one of Aubrey’s running shoes and her white panties, lying in the dirt. Nothing could have prepared me for what I saw next.
Nothing.
Seconds before I came upon her unrecognizable naked body, I heard her whimpering in pain. Someone might as well have taken a sledgehammer to my heart right then and there. Some fucker left the love of my fucking life lying on the ground like a piece of trash that was thrown out as if she were nothing.
As soon as I saw her, I knew things would never be the same.
Our relationship.
Our love.
Our future.
My girl.
She was lying on the dirt, broken. Her once flawless skin now covered in bruises. Her face covered in scratches and her beautiful eyes looked empty now. Tears were rolling down her cheeks and she kept rocking herself while her hands were bound to her front.
I yelled out, “No!” I ran as fast as I could, falling to my knees before I even fully got to her. I ignored the shooting pain that screamed from my knees.
She flinched, recoiling away from me.
From me.
“No, no, no, no…” she repeated with a shaky voice I had never heard before.
“Baby, it’s me.”
She winced like it hurt her to hear me say that.
“Jesus Christ, I’m so sorry, darlin’,” I pleaded not knowing where to touch her, hold her, comfort her. I needed to get her to a hospital right away.
With shaky hands I pulled out my cell phone, dialing 911.
“What are you doing?” she simply asked her voice void of emotion.
“I’m calling for help, Suga’.”
I yearned to touch her and when I reached out for her again she retracted like a wounded child.
“Please, don’t call anyone. Please,” she pleaded in a tone that broke my fucking heart more than it already was.
I set the phone down next to me and put my hands out in the air so she could see them.
“Suga’, I’m not going to hurt you. Do you understand me? You’re safe now, I’m here,” I pleaded with her.
She closed her eyes, a single tear falling down her bruised cheek.
“Baby,” I muttered my voice breaking with my eyes watering. “Baby, please, let me touch you. It’s me, Aubrey, it’s me.”
More tears slid down her beautiful face and I gently swept them away, but she still flinched from my touch. My face frowned and it took everything in me to keep it together. She needed me to be strong for her.
For us.
“Please, baby, open your eyes and look at me, see that it’s me.”
My walls were crumbling down. I took her blood-covered hands that were zip tied together and gently placed them on my heart. “Feel me, Aubrey.”
She instantly pulled her hands away from me and winced in pain.
I took in all the bruises, the finger imprints on her neck and arms. I had to shut my eyes for a minute before I made my way below her waist, already knowing what I’d find. I opened them and immediately saw the dried blood on her inner thighs and the marks on her legs and skinned knees.
I bowed my head in such shame and remorse all at once, hitting me harder than anything I have ever experienced before.
“No, no, no… what did he do to you, baby? What did he fucking do to my girl?” I openly wailed, trying to catch my breath. “I’m so sorry, Aubrey, I’m so fucking sorry,” I choked out hanging my head over her body.
My face drenched with nothing but guilt.
I sat up pulling my shirt over my head. “I’m going to sit you up so I can put this on you, and then I’m going to carry you and we’re going to go to the hospital so that the doctor can check you and make sure—”
“NO!” she shouted, opening her eyes. “No fucking hospitals. I don’t want to go! Please, please, please, don’t make me go. I’m begging you, please—”
“Shhh…” I whispered, caressing her face with the knuckle on my hand. “Shhh… I’m still going to sit you up and carry you, okay? We can go back to the cabin, and I can check you. Alright?”
She didn’t answer, but I took her silence as a yes. She whimpered in pain when I sat her up, and I quickly placed the shirt over her head and down her body. The zip ties not allowing me to pull her arms through the sleeves.
She turned away from me like the mere smell of me was painful.
“I’m going to carry you now. We can go as slow as you need, baby.”
“Just fucking do it,” she replied in a harsh tone.
I picked her up into my arms like she was a baby, being careful not to hurt her. She cried the entire way back to the cabin. Each tear that fell from her face would forever be ingrained in my soul.
Every. Last. One.
I opened the door, trying like hell not to make any sudden movements that would cause her any more pain. I grabbed the scissors from the kitchen and gently laid her on the bed in one of the other bedrooms. I didn’t want to take a risk carrying her up the stairs to our bed. I cut the zip ties, sick to my fucking stomach the entire time. She immediately scooted as far away from me as possible when she heard them snap, even though it caused nothing but more agony to her already broken body.
“Baby,” I whispered, sitting on the edge of the bed, reaching for her.
She put her hands out in the air, stopping me. “Please, just go,” she muttered, barely loud enough for me to hear.
“Go where, darlin’? Where do you want me to go? I’m not fucking leaving you like this.”
She looked right at me for the first time since I found her with dead eyes. Not one ounce of love left in there for me.
“Away. Away from me,” she gritted through her chattering teeth.
I violently shook my head, my fists clenched at my sides. “I can’t do that. Aubrey, let me take you to the hospital. They can check you, and we can catch this guy. Something can be—”
“No,” she sternly argued. “Can't you see, Dylan? It's too late, the damage is done. I'm already dead.”
“Oh my God, don’t say shit like that.” I placed my hand over my heart, trying to hold it together. I got off the bed and paced back and forth, wanting nothing more than for her to let me hold her, show her she had life in her still.
Most of all, I wanted to take away everything that fucker did to my girl.
“Baby, you’re right here,” I cried, pushing my hands through my hair. “You’re right fucking in front of me. You’re not dead. You’re right fucking here with me,” I argued, pounding my fist on my heart.
“Just go! I don’t want you here. Please just get out!” Her body shook from anger.
“If you’re not going to let me take you in to get help, then please just let me look at you. Let me make sure—”
She crawled to the end of the bed, her body almost giving out on her. I reached once again to help her and she slapped my hands away. She slowly stood, pulling her arms out through the sleeves to hold her ribs and lean against the bed frame.
I stepped toward her. “Let me help—”
“Jesus Christ!” she yelled out, stopping me dead in my tracks.
We locked eyes.
“Look at me, Dylan! Fucking look at me! What more can they do for me? Nothing! What more can you do for me? Fucking nothing! The damage is already done. You can’t help me! You can’t save me! You’re too fucking late!”
I immediately jerked back like she knocked me the fuck out. Fresh tears erupted from her eyes, and it took everything in me not to rush to her side and beg her to forgive me.
“Now leave!” she screamed at the top of her lungs, wincing once again from the pain in her ribs, I was sure were broken.
I stood there, glued to the goddamn floor that was caving beneath me. There was no coming back from this. It took one phone call to rip my happiness away, to take my girl away.
The irony was not lost on me.
“LEAVE!”
She fell to the floor in defeat and rocked back and forth. She shattered and this time I couldn’t pick up the pieces.
I shook my head, bowing it in defeat and walked out of the room. I heard the door slam shut a few minutes later as I paced around the living room, tugging my hair at the back of my neck, wanting nothing more than to rip it the fuck out.
I was at a loss.
I didn’t know what I could do. I didn’t know what I could say. I didn’t know one damn thing on how to handle this.
To handle her.
When I heard the shower start running, pure panic set into my bones.
She was cleaning off all the evidence.
“What the fuck, Aubrey?” I lamented out loud to myself, looking up at the ceiling. Silently praying to God that this was a nightmare I would soon wake up from. A God-awful dream.
Something…
Anything…
Than what was actually happening.
It didn’t take long to hear her sobs, each one of them tore into my heart, my soul, my mind, as if I was the one crying. The longer I stood there, the louder they got.
“Please, God,” I wept, looking back up at the ceiling again. “Please… help me, help her. Please… I beg you.” I wasn’t an extremely religious man, but I did believe in the power of prayer.
But at that moment I would have sold my soul to the devil if it meant it would take away her pain, undo what had just happened, and her memory of this day.
I couldn’t take it anymore. I ran into the room, slowly walking toward the bathroom as if I was walking towards my execution. In a way, I was. With each step my heart pounded faster, it rang louder in my ears. I gripped the handle, leaning my forehead against the door for a few seconds. Praying once again she wouldn’t push me away. I took a deep, shaky breath and gradually opened the door.
My stomach dropped.
My heart was now in my throat with bile rising, but I swallowed it back down. The glass shower doors so fucking foggy with steam immediately pouring out of the bathroom as if she couldn’t get the water hot enough. Her skin bright red, which only accented all the bruises on the side of her stomach, her arms, and down her legs.
She was sitting in the middle of the shower with her legs pulled to her chest and her arms wrapped around them. Her face tucked in between, sobbing so fucking hard, her entire fragile frame shaking uncontrollably.
The memory of seeing her like this would forever haunt me. There wouldn’t be one day where I wouldn’t see her like that.
Falling apart in front of me.
Not. One. Day.
I didn’t even bother to take off my shorts or sneakers. I opened the glass door and she never stopped bawling, if anything she just cried harder. I approached her with caution, terrified that she would push me away, but not caring if she did. I needed to hold her, to help her, to do fucking something. I crouched to sit down behind her, straddling my legs around her body.
I gently touched her back with the tips of my fingers, where more bruises and cuts had formed, instantly shutting my eyes remembering that I put some of them on her last night. I shook my head, feeling nothing but disgust towards myself. Her body shuddered when she felt me, but I didn’t stop.
I couldn’t.
My fingers moved to her sides, her stomach, and down to her legs. Wanting to transfer all the hurt and the pain that she was feeling to me. Wanting to remember that I did this. That I was the reason she was raped. That I was the reason my girl was gone.
It was entirely my fault.
I sucked in air, my chest heaving from my own sobs. She was hysterically crying at that point. I wrapped my arms around her, pressing her into my chest, and she let me.
As soon as she was in my arms I broke down.
“I’m so sorry, baby… I’m so fucking sorry… please… please… I’ll do anything for you to forgive me… please…” I wallowed in her misery and my own. “I’m so fucking sorry…”
I don’t know who was crying more. Steaming hot water rushed down on us as if it was cleaning off the mistakes that I would never be able to change. Never be able to make better, never be able to forget.
We stayed like that until the water was freezing and her skin started to turn blue. I shut off the shower and cradled her in my arms, grabbing a towel and laying it on her. I took her up to our bedroom, taking each stair with ease. I pulled back the comforter and sheets before gently placing her under them. She didn’t move from the place I laid her, just stared up at the ceiling that I was praying to, minutes maybe hours before, and I wondered if she was doing the same thing.
I took off my shorts, grabbing a dry pair of boxers. I sat at the edge of the bed, looking at her for a few more seconds. I slowly gripped the seam of the towel and she immediately froze, holding her arms tightly around her torso.
“Shhh…” I whispered, placing her hand over my heart. “Shhh… feel me, suga’, feel my heart beating for you.” I placed my hand over hers and gently rubbed my thumb up and down.
She shut her eyes but still didn’t relax. I carefully took off the towel, never letting go of her hand. Her face fell to the side the moment it was fully off her. My hand went straight to my mouth.
My sadness turned quickly into rage.
There wasn’t a place on her torso that wasn’t black and blue, what looked like a boot print etched near her belly button. I fell over, holding myself up with my hand on the other side of her waist. Breaking over my girl that was already broken. With my teeth chattering, I kissed her bruised cheek, her neck, her chest, her waist, her wrists, every place that I saw a mark, I touched it with my lips. Her body remained stiff the entire time, but she didn’t stop me.
I would take what I could get.
By the time I made it down to her waist, I was shaking, closing my eyes to get the courage to look at her sacred area that wasn’t mine anymore.
“Please, don’t,” she wept, reading my mind.
“Baby, I have to make sure you’re okay. I’m not going to touch you,” I replied with agony laced in my tone, not wanting to look but needing to.
She sniffled, sucking in air as I spread her legs, opening my eyes. I resisted the urge to fucking hit something when I saw the bruises on her inner thighs and her swollen folds. There was a tiny tear at her opening, and I had to look away unable to control the anger and remorse I felt burning inside.
She rolled over to her side, cradling her body in a fetal position. I scooted up toward her front and engulfed her in my arms. Her face now mere inches from mine with her dark dilated eyes, vacant, soulless, and dead.
“I love you. I love you so fucking much,” I blurted, needing to have her hear me say it.
She just blinked with no emotion whatsoever.
“I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry,” I repeated, over and over again like a broken record, kissing all along her face.
She tucked her face into my neck and cried.
I lay there trying to hold her together, knowing it didn’t matter. She wasn’t the only one who died that day…
I died, too.