CHAPTER 29

 

 

Two Years Ago—Something, Anything

 

Charis: What do you think the purpose of small talk is? Why does it exist?

Asher: I dunno, to relax you?

Charis: But it's not relaxing. It's paralyzing. Everything I think of to say sounds so lame and obvious. That's a very blue carpet you have there, ma'am. Would you call it sky blue or powder blue? Boy, it sure is a nice 72 degrees in here, I guess that means the temperature gauge on your furnace works. Oh, look! You have a cat! And it has all four legs! That's so great for the cat. What? Why are you looking at me like that? I'm not that weird, am I?

Asher: False. You are one of a kind, Charis Sloane. What's the deal? You don't have to make small talk with my family.

Charis: Your family isn't any problem at all, it's not them. I guess mostly I'm fine. It's just when you go on a date to meet a guy's folks or a cocktail party and you have nothing in common with them and you know you're gonna embarrass yourself. No, I'm looking forward to Christmas. I love spending it with you guys. I love all of you.

Asher: We love you. I love you, Sloane. You know that, right?

Charis: Sure. I love you too, bro.

Asher: I'm actually not your brother, just to be technical here.

Charis: Well yeah, obviously, I meant it like brother from another mother. Like, if I could design my own family, you'd be number one on my list.

Asher: That's great that you'd say that, given that I did barf on you last week.

Charis: You had the flu! It wasn't your fault. Except for not listening to me when I told you to get the flu shot, that was lunkheaded. And anyway, now I always have something to hold over you, puke-brain. Eek! Keep your eyes on the road! Not puke-brain! Not!

 

Charis

 

THIS DRESS. Talk about uncomfortable.

I'm sorry, but dress-up is not my thing. Clothes keep me warm, right? They're not exactly the basis for the meaning of life, well, except maybe hats. Hats are the bomb.

But Asher got me this slinky thing to wear for the birthday party, and it's not really compatible with headgear.

Why did he do it? Who knows? Maybe he thought I needed the boost.

And maybe he was right.

Here I was, living the dream. Asher was into me. His approval of my girl parts came through loud and clear. This made me…it sounds all la-di-da to say over-the-moon. But there it is. I don't think it's an exaggeration to say I've never been happier in my life.

But this party was freaking me out.

I mean, I'm cool with the way I am. I don't fret over other people judging my looks, my ways. I please myself, right? It's my modus operandi.

Except…

These are the Norrells, whom I secretly think of as my real family. They've always welcomed me. As a friend of the family, mind. And Asher's bestie? No problem.

But his lover?

Asher's the baby, protected by everyone. They love Aura. She's "Ash's precious girl." They're always wondering whether he's proposed yet.

If they knew about me…I couldn't begin to guess what they'd think, aside from what the fuck.

The thought of disappointing the Norrells is crushing. And if their disappointment were to influence Asher…

I know, I know. Asher goes his own route and fuck what others say.

But I watched my mom play her gotta-be-the-best game her whole career. Even when she won, she lost. There was always someone more talented, more skillful, more beautiful, fitter, better, luckier, stronger…

It's exhausting. I'm seriously not up for those kinds of histrionics. Count me out.

Yet the moment the Norrells find out I'm trying to fill Aura's shoes, it's all over, I'm entered in that gameshow—The Asher's Girlfriend Reality Show—and pretty much guaranteed to lose.

Let's face it. Aura's glamorous and I'm not, Aura's sophisticated and charming and I'm not, Aura's alluring and glowing and fashionable and…

Fuck this dress.

I have no beef with the color. It's the skimming-all-down-my-body part and the deep square neckline I hate. The whole thing comes off as a joke on my total lack of hip and cleavage. And it's too filmy for one of my special bras. Way to make your nips an ice breaker at the party. Ugh.

Why did I get it? Easy one. Post-orgasmic bliss.

Did I regret it? Sure.

Did I put it on anyway?

No. But Asher did.

And afterwards, he lifted up the hemline and kissed my nipples and my tummy and my mound with these sweet little pecking kisses and then let it go and smoothed the fabric over me.

I love that man.

No, I mean I really love him.

So much it hurts. I want his babies. I want to be buried in his casket, not just nearby.

I'd go to a Billy Ocean concert for him.

Even if the Doubleclicks were playing locally. I'm not exaggerating, I'd do anything for that guy.

I don't know how it happened, but it's like one day I was resisting him, and the next, insane love.

Or maybe not. Actually I think I've loved him for a long time.

But whatever.

So the dress was mistake number one. Mistake number two was no coat. Asher had reminded me sarcastically not to wear my black one, and my fall jacket was too grungy for a party, which left me shivering as we knocked on the door of Winnow's house. She lives a few miles away, in a charming bungalow far too small to host a party, not that she ever lets that stop her.

And then there's mistake number three.

"Why the squirming?" Asher hovered two feet away, pointedly keeping his hands in his pockets. "I didn't even touch you. My behavior has been fucking impeccable."

Asher had been in a pissy mood ever since he found out what a lameass I was about letting his family know about us.

"I just think arriving together like this is a dumb idea," I said.

"Come on. We've arrived places together before."

"Not together together."

"Well, since they don't know we're together together—"

The front door swung open and Hunt Killian stood there, looking tousled. I relaxed. I like Winnow's best male friend. He goes too far sometimes, but in such a charming way you can't be offended. He's not the tallest guy, but like Asher and Karl, there's something about him. He did a double-take my way.

I extended my hand and chirped, "Happy birthday! Sorry we're late for the surprise."

He grasped my hand. "Is it really Charis Sloane? Nice dress, girl." He tugged me closer, drawing me into a hug. "Just so you know, we're not involved."

"Um, what?" I said.

Hunt thumbed over his shoulder. "Izzy, with the braid. I brought her, but we're not dating, we're just friends. Veeeery nice dress." He waggled his brows, and I rolled my eyes, sure he was having me on.

But then he waved at Asher without looking away, like he really did like my dress. Or maybe he was just freaked by my nipples. Now you know why I flatten them in a bra so vigilantly—as a public service. Because people do look. I can't really blame them.

"Hey, Ash. Long time no see. " Still Hunt kept leering. It was getting weird.

"Happy day, fella!" Asher's tone was hearty, but he clasped Hunt's arm and actually jerked him away from me.

I frowned at him. He wasn't being possessive, was he? For real?

He pursed his lips back at me, his eyes widening meaningfully. Oh, yes, he was.

Okay, now why did I feel guilty? Like this was my fault. Which was ridiculous. No sane human would ever call me flirtatious.

I mean, Hunt's okay. I suppose if an asteroid came and exploded Asher to smithereens, I might get over his demise in about sixty, seventy years, at which point I'd possibly consider Hunt as a viable alternative.

Crap, though, wouldn't that be horrible! A world without Asher. Talk about lonely. I pray he never gets exploded. I wonder if that's ever happened to anyone. An asteroid actually hitting somebody's house I mean. I wonder if in prehistoric times, how often people looked up at the sky and saw a flashing—

"Where's your girlfriend today, what's her name, Aurora?" Hunt said to Asher, bringing me back to the now.

"Aura," I corrected, when Asher didn't.

"Right, right, Aura. She sick or something?"

"Nah, haven't you heard? We're done." Asher smacked Hunt hard on the back. "We broke up. No more Ash and Aura."

Hunt, in turn, smacked his own forehead. "Now I remember. Sorry, bro. Weren't you engaged to her?"

"No."

"No? I could swear…but don't worry, Winnow's got you covered. You won't be lacking for female company today."

"Aw, shit, what's she done now?"

"She's been brewing plans. Didn't realize they were in your honor till just now. Come this way. Come right this way."

Hunt drew us inside, taking Asher's coat, exposing Asher's sinfully form-fitting shirt and jeans. Oh, my freaking god, he's gorgeous. I looked away so nobody would catch me leering.

Then remembered I had a right to.

Then remembered I was pretending I didn't.

Damnation! This subterfuge shit was so confusing.

"Not so fast." Asher grabbed his arm. "Karl here?"

"Not so far as I know. Why, he owe you money?"

"Baby Ash!" Winnow was suddenly there, hugging her brother, till she spotted me. "Sup, Char girl! Look at youuuuu! Love the dress. My lord, chickie, we need to find you some manflesh. Come with me."

And that was just the beginning.

To simplify this, I'll briefly summarize what happened in the next half hour:

People tried to pull me away from Asher.

People tried to pull Asher away from me.

And his family hounded him. Which, I'll remind you, I'd predicted.

Winnow started in first, poking him in the chest. "You're well rid of that witch. I never liked her."

(What? Really??)

"Yeah, I know, Win. You told me enough times."

(Really? When?)

"So spill it! Who is the chick in the black coat? Should I believe the rumors? Do we know her?"

I stepped back, willing everyone not to see me, as Asher drawled, "As a matter of fact," and that's when I panicked and said the thing I immediately regretted.

"She's a myth! She doesn't exist."

Oh, crap.

Why had I spoken? What crazy desperation had led me to such an insane lie?

I stood there with my mouth hanging open, feeling my forehead fry from Asher's glare. And now I had not only Asher furious with me, but a pack of Norrells staring at me, bewildered.

"Nonsense, of course she exists! I saw the pictures on my computer!" The speaker, I was relieved to see, was Asher's dad. And next to him was Asher's mother.

"Mr. N! Erica!" I shrieked, a bit hysterically.

Erica Norrell took me in her arms. "Char, baby! Shona brought a big surprise for you—it's your favorite condiment and some of that fire meat you like. Don't let me forget I made extra salmon rolls to take home. You need to eat them within twenty-four hours or they'll taste fishy. Oh, sweetheart, how lovely you look."

With all the cooing, hugging and twirling, I almost missed it when his dad said, "Come clean, buddy, you know we'll find out sooner or later. Whoever she is, she couldn't be worse than the last one."

(Wait, wait, worse? What?)

"Ash can date whoever he wants to date." Erica let me go in order to draw Asher's head down to kiss his forehead. "He's a smart boy, he knows what he's doing."

"I hope this one isn't so high-strung," Alfred Norrell snorted, and Erica turned her head and gave him the look I call sugary daggers.

"What?" He laughed. "You agree with me."

She put her hands on her hips. "Alfred, mind your manners."

What?

What?

Okay, what was going on here? Asher's parents didn't like Aura? I felt like I'd entered another dimension.

I thought all the Norrells loved Aura. They warmly welcomed her, they complimented her, they treated her like a piece of glass. They never, ever ragged on her like they did me. I mean, I have no complaints. I feel welcome here, too. But Aura was always special.

But hell, what do I know? I'm the crap one at reading people.

"I trust you to find the woman who's just right for you, honey," Erica was saying to Asher with a smile.

Asher's expression softened. "Thanks, Mama, I—"

"Black coat girl!" boomed a new voice.

I whirled. It was Asher's brother, Doug. He was fist bumping Asher. "Who is she? She hot? Way to get back on that horse, dude! We're meeting up for drinks tonight, no arguments. You can tell me all about her."

"There's nothing to tell," Asher said flatly. "Shucks, you heard Sloane. The woman in the black coat is a figment of the cam's imagination." He slanted a sarcastic look at me. I swallowed, because Pissed Male.

Is actually pretty hot.

But I felt like a lowdown dirty skunk.

And it went on like this. And on and on. Until finally Winnow led Asher away. He glanced back at me, mouthed You asked for this, and turned his back on me.

Snubbed.

By my best friend.

And also lover / boyfriend / maniwasinlovewith.

I watched mournfully as they disappeared through a door down the hall.

And crap, did Winnow really have something planned in there for Asher? She could get pretty wild with her shenanigans. I wouldn't be surprised if people were getting laid.

(Ahem. If you're wondering were there kids at this party, yes, there were. It was a family-and-friends party. But remember, many of them are Norrell kids, a different breed of munchkin altogether. Street savvy, for sure. Sheltering them from grownup stuff is pretty much impossible with this gang. Last fall, one little dude kept following me around, chanting, "Chary's gonna google penis, Chary's gonna google penis!" Don't ask. It's a long story—totally innocent, I swear.)

Shona, Hunt's half-sister and Winnow's other bestie, came up to me with a big smile. "What's been going on with you, Char?"

"Oh, you know, teaching and stuff. What about you?"

"I'm just fine. You look bummed. Are you stewing about Asher?"

"What? What do you mean? Why would I be stewing?"

"Well, you guys are buds, I just thought you might be concerned. Don't worry, Winnow's gonna set him up with someone and he'll be back to normal in no time. He just needs a girl in his life, you know?"

"Damn right he does." Nate, a Norrell cousin whose folks own a wheat farm if I recall, wrapped his big arms around Shona and me. "Yo, Char, Shon. Remember that one New Years Ash didn't have a date up at Uncle Matt's cabin?"

Shona burst out laughing. "You mean the year he crashed the snowmobile."

I remembered. I hadn't been there, I'd been with my parents, but I'd heard of it. Asher, charmed devil that he is, only sprained his little toe.

Nate grinned. "Dude's not cut out to go it alone. But you must know that, you're friends from way back, aren't you?" He gave me a keen look. "How long was he with that gorgeous redhead, anyway?"

Oh, hell, would people please stop talking about Aura already?

"Years," I said miserably.

The door where Asher had disappeared suddenly opened and Winnow came out. She shut it behind her with finality. She threw us all a dazzling smile and a thumbs-up.

My heart sank.

The scale of suckery here was increasing every minute. This whole thing seemed pointless. Mel wasn't even here. With the Pass being unpassable, Ryanna was stuck in Seattle, and Aura and Karl still hadn't arrived, if they were coming at all.

Obviously it hadn't occurred to anyone that I might be Black Coat Girl.

Well, good. Fabulous.

I was so thrilled with the success of my trickery (that was sarcasm in case it wasn't obvious) I ended up hiding with a plate of fried okra in a corner.

I did wave to Joel when he arrived. We chatted, but then a bunch of women pulled him away. I watched one girl consistently dog his heels wherever he went. She had orange pigtails and her tee shirt said Engineers Do It To Collapse. Too bad for her, he hardly noticed her.

I considered going up and introducing them, since I suspected this was Megan, who'd texted Asher. But I was too depressed. Too depressed to mingle.

Why?

Because I should be hanging with Asher right now, not skulking in a corner imagining him with his "female company."

"You know who that is?" said a deep voice.

I whirled around, for a moment thinking it was him.

But nope, just Doug again, with an arm wrapped around a blonde named Jodi. (At Christmas it had been Laura, the time before that, Annette. Doug's thinning hair fools women—they assume he's shy and mild-mannered, so they chase him. He's killing it as a manwhore.)

"Who?" I followed his pointing finger. I didn't recognize the woman but I'd noticed her earlier because she moved as gracefully as my mom.

"That's Winona's neighbor, Elianna Shuman. I'll let you in on a secret. She's her ace in the hole for Asher."

I stared at the woman, experiencing a sudden attack of cleavage envy. She was beautiful, with coal black hair and a figure in Aura's class. "You mean—"

He nodded. "If he doesn't hook up with any of the others, Winnow's gonna sic Elianna on him. She and her folks run the farmer's market downtown. I dated her little sister Annette last year. Trust me, he won't be single for long. We'll take care of him."

I was speechless.

He's not single now! I wanted to scream. And…and she's old! She's thirty if she's a day! She could be his mother! Well anyway his babysitter.

I hardly noticed Doug stroll away with Jodi, whistling, leaving me alone again. All I saw was a bleak, confusing universe.

And that ominously shut door.

I desperately wanted to have X-ray vision right now. And I was starting to feel ridiculous. Here I was, standing around like a stiff stick of celery, while my man could be in there gorging on gooey cupcakes, with a red velvet frosted masterpiece waiting on the side table.

(Yes, it's true, I was still hungry, actually.)

I wanted to burst in there and…what? Face the stares? The shock? The horror?

Four years might not seem that much older when you're forty or something. But I'd known this boy when it wasn't even legal to kiss him, before he even had hair on his chest.

It takes a lot to horrify a Norrell, but they're protective of their pack. Doug might seem okay with this Elianna woman, but even he would balk at the idea of me.

If nothing else, I'm just not Asher's type. They'd think he's making a crazy rebound mistake.

Which, I won't lie, a part of me still thought he was.

Everyone would act uncomfortable and sorry for me and maybe hostile and I'd never be able to face them again.

But this sucked.

What if I just blurted it out?

Yo, guys! Listen up! Asher and I are a thing!

Only what if I was too late? What if we weren't a thing anymore. Maybe I'd screwed it all up. Asher had looked really pissed.

Oh, shit, no, wait. That's recursive reasoning. If I pretend we aren't a thing and so he acts like we aren't a thing and I subsequently get freaked that we aren't a thing, that's on me.

I hoped we'd still be a thing.

This was stupid.

The problem was simple. I was scared. These people didn't really know me. If they knew me, they'd see what a faker I was. Sure, I act like I'm this well-rounded person who has her shit together and doesn't need anyone.

Nope. Lie.

I was in love with Asher. Love to the power of obsession. If he bailed on me now, I didn't know what I'd do.

But I kinda thought he might love me, too. I mean, I knew he did. But specifically that way. Like his parents loved each other. I mean it could happen. Totally.

Couldn't it?

Crap. I'd turned into my parents, with all their self-absorbed doubts and vacillations.

Maybe I should just go ahead and do it, tell everyone I was actually Asher's—

There was an exclamation over by the front door. I peered over there and saw Karl walk in. And behind him came Aura. Even from over here, I could see the ring sparkling on her left hand as she waved it over her head, smiling at everybody.

Oh, hell to the no.