Sherry’s Halloween party was tonight, the one party a year I went to regularly. Somehow, it was different than other parties, because even though everyone was drinking and it was still a social event, which typically had me running for the hills, it was lighter in some way. Everyone dressing up and going around guessing costumes made it much less intimidating. I was typically reserved in my costume choice. Shocking, right? But since seeing Gabe yesterday, I wanted to be… more. I wanted to try a little harder, even if it made me uncomfortable.
“So I’ve noticed you’re working awfully hard on picking out an outfit tonight… and from my closet.”
I jumped at the sound of Naomi’s voice. “Jesus,” I muttered before turning around and rolling my eyes. “Do we really have to do this? Can’t you just help me and internally bask in the fact that you were right?”
“Hmmm… no. I’m much too petty for that.”
“Fine. You were right. I was wrong. I was scared, and I shot Gabe down prematurely. I’m going to suck it up, wear something out of my comfort zone, and stop being a scared little bitch. Happy?”
“I would have liked to hear more variations of ‘you were right,’ but I guess that’ll do.”
“Great.” I sighed. “Now will you help me?”
“Of course. So you said he was having lunch with a girl yesterday? Is that your reason for raiding my closet?”
I remained silent as we shuffled through her clothes, side by side.
“I’m pretty sure she was his ex. She was gorgeous and the complete opposite of me, and it kinda made me wonder why he even asked me out. So yeah, I thought I’d try a little harder tonight.” I shrugged. “Really make it seem like I want this.”
“So how far are we talking?”
“I think I’m going to give you carte blanche.”
She grinned mischievously. “I’ve always wanted a life-size Barbie!”
…
Word of advice: Never give Naomi carte blanche. EVER.
Because apparently, when she said Barbie, she literally meant dressing me up as one. But honestly, that just seemed like a ruse to get me in an inappropriately tight, short blue dress and a ridiculous amount of makeup. I did set some boundaries: no heels, a neutral makeup palette, and nude tights underneath, but I still felt weird.
I was looking around the room and fidgeting with the hem of my dress when—
“Hey, Alara.” Chad’s smooth voice came from my right, and when I turned, his easy smile and bright brown eyes greeted me.
“Hey. I didn’t know you’d be here.” I shifted anxiously as my eyes scanned the room for Gabe again. He’d yet to arrive, but Naomi assured me he was coming.
Chad reached over and wrapped his arms around me just as Sherry walked by and winked. I tentatively gave him a pat on the back before pulling away.
“Yeah, Sherry invited me. Said you might be lonely.” My eyes widened as my gaze flew across the room. He gave me a lazy smile before he chuckled. “Relax. I’m not hitting on you and I’m definitely not going to ask you out again.”
“At the risk of sounding full of myself… really?”
His face suddenly grew serious, and he stepped closer. “Yeah, I’m done. I met someone a couple weeks ago. We’ve gone out a few times, and I’m pretty hopeful.”
“That’s great.” I offered him a real hug this time, and he laughed as he returned the embrace. We broke apart, though his hand remained on my upper arm.
“So why—” I cut myself off as my attention drifted over his shoulder and I found Gabe standing in the doorway of Sherry’s apartment.
His gaze raked over my body and his eyes flared as he took in the immodest hemline. Then his stare met mine for a brief moment before it narrowed on Chad’s hand. The heat that had just been so prominent quickly gave way to unmistakable anger.
Noticing my attention was elsewhere, Chad quickly looked over his shoulder, then turned around, smiling.
“That’s why.”
“Huh?” I asked. My eyebrows knitted together as I shrugged off his hand.
He laughed. “I can actually feel the guy boring holes into my back.”
“How is pissing him off supposed to help?”
Chad opened his mouth to reply, but I held up my hand.
“Forget it. I need a drink.” I walked into the kitchen and made a beeline for Naomi, grabbing the shot in her hand and quickly knocking it back.
She looked from her empty hand to the drained glass in mine. “Here, Alara, take mine,” she said sarcastically before grabbing another.
“Did you know Sherry was inviting Chad?”
“Nope. What was the goal there?”
“I think to make Gabe jealous.”
Naomi appeared contemplative as I reached for another drink, the shot coursed down my throat, leaving a burning trail. “It’s not the worst plan in the world,” my best friend said distractedly.
“Why would he need to be the one who’s jealous? He’s already sure. I’m the dumbo here!” I shrieked as I picked up another drink. Naomi put her hand over mine, halting my progress, and I looked over to find her frowning.
“Alara. You’ve been drinking a lot lately. And your meds—”
“I already told you. The doctor said it’d be better to have a few drinks than to stop taking them.”
“Yes, but I’m sure she didn’t mean for it to become a regular thing.”
“It won’t.”
“You’ve already done this twice in the past month. That’s a lot for you and—”
“Please,” I begged. “Just tonight. I promise. Nothing bad has happened the last few times, remember? I drank and didn’t have any kind of emotional breakdown.”
Naomi worried her bottom lip as she lifted her hand from mine. “I know. I just… I don’t think it’s a good idea.”
“Okay. I know, just… just give me tonight. And I promise no more for a while.” With a reluctant nod, Naomi agreed. And within half an hour, I was well on my way to plastered, a fact that had Naomi’s worry returning.
“Are you nervous because Gabe’s here and has yet to talk to you?” she asked, trying to ignore her bigger concern.
“Of course not.”
Why the hell would I care? He asked me out. I said no. End of story, my brain said.
I growled (in my head, of course; I’m not that crazy). Right… Then why did yesterday hurt so much? Why does the fact that he’s talked to almost every other person here hurt so much? my heart asked.
Well…
I internally groaned at how insane I was being. I just needed to stop overthinking everything. But that was easier said than done. I always thought too much and too often, and even though it never did me any good, I couldn’t seem to stop. But I guess thinking too much about not thinking too much was equally problematic. Oh, I have a headache.
“You sure?” Naomi’s question broke through my drunken inner rambling.
“Yep,” I replied, emphasizing the p with a pop. I looked over at Gabe and crossed my arms over my chest. I was pouting, because clearly, I was an adult. Naomi took a sip of her beer and raised her eyebrows in disbelief.
“Fine,” I mumbled. “ItsbecauseGabe’shereandhasn’ttalkedtome.”
“I’m sorry, what?” She held a hand to her ear and leaned closer. “I couldn’t hear you.”
“I said it’s because Gabe’s here and he hasn’t talked to me.’”
With an arrogant nod, she said, “That’s what I thought.”
“Whatever.” I glared at her before turning toward Gabe as he chatted with one of Sherry’s friends. “He’s an ass, and I hate him.”
“No, you don’t.”
“Why is she even talking to him? He’s ugly and stupid.”
“No, he isn’t.”
“Coming here was stupid. I never want to see him again.”
“Yes, you do.”
“Ughhh…” I whined and threw my head back against the cabinet. It bounced off, and I winced as I rubbed the spot and turned to glare at the wood accusingly.
“Is that cabinet an ass who’s ugly and stupid, too?” Naomi could barely conceal her smile behind her beer bottle.
“I have to pee.” I staggered away and luckily made my way to a bathroom that only had a line of two people.
After quickly taking care of business and checking my blurry face in the mirror, I walked out of the bathroom and right into Gabe. “We need to talk.” Gabe’s expression radiated pure fury as he firmly grabbed my arm and pushed me back into the bathroom.
“Hey!” I protested as I shook off his hold.
“Who’s that guy out there?” he asked in a gruff voice.
I rolled my eyes. Apparently, Chad’s plan had worked, even if he’d only been in my presence for three minutes. “Chad. He’s a friend.”
He smirked, his eyes turning cold. “A friend who’s been asking you out for months?”
“How the…?” I dropped my head to my chest and whispered, “Sherry.”
“Yeah, she imparted that little bit of knowledge to me. So let me get this straight. You actually used the whole it’s-not-you-it’s-me bullshit, which I was stupid enough to believe, and two weeks later you’re out with another guy?” He shook his head in disbelief as his expression warred between hurt and anger.
I narrowed my eyes and clenched my fists at my sides, feeling much more sober than I had ten minutes ago. Evidently, irrational anger helps metabolize alcohol. Who knew? “Coming from the guy who was out to lunch yesterday with another girl and has flirted with at least a dozen tonight.” He opened his mouth to respond, but I kept talking. “And according to you, you and I are just friends. So how I feel about Chad shouldn’t matter one damn bit.”
“Are you insane? What the hell is wrong with you? This isn’t you.” He waved his hand up and down in front of me. “You’re not the girl who drags around some guy you’re not even interested in just to make someone else jealous. You’re not—” He cut himself off and swore as his eyes closed and he tried to control his breathing.
I looked down, trying to rein in my own anger.
I felt his finger slide under my chin, and he gently pushed up until we made eye contact. His voice was softer when he spoke again. “This isn’t you.” His gaze brushed over my clothes, but instead of the lust from earlier, there was sadness. “You’re not the girl who wears tight dresses and loads of makeup.”
My cheeks flamed and my throat burned as I stepped out of his grasp and hit the door. Tears threatening, I looked down at the person I was pretending to be, feeling like a fool. My eyelids instinctively closed as the first tears fell. I knew I looked ridiculous, but I guess part of me had thought it was all in my head. Part of me thought I could still look like what he might want. And part of me thought I could hide behind the fact that it was Halloween.
After seeing Miranda, I took a hard look at myself and wondered why the hell he’d even asked me out. My long blonde hair and green eyes were complete opposites of her pixie brown hair and chocolate irises. I knew I wasn’t ugly, but when I looked at my closet earlier, I realized how plain I was compared to her.
A humorless laugh escaped as I thought of her A-line floral dress and nude heels—and how I thought Naomi’s strapless bright-blue dress would somehow compare. The length wasn’t completely indecent, but it definitely wasn’t me.
I looked up at Gabe with a sad smile, the fight completely drained out of me. “Yeah, I guess I look pretty ridiculous.” My voice sounded tired and almost lifeless without the anger it held a few moments ago.
I shrugged and looked down again, trying to swallow the growing lump in my throat. My hands came up to wipe away tears, and when I pulled them away, I noticed some of my makeup had been smeared off. I’d completely forgotten about it because, like he said, I wasn’t this girl.
“Hey.” Gabe’s voice was harsh as he grabbed my chin and forced it up once more. I looked over his face, noting his drawn eyebrows and frown before finally meeting his eyes. When he spoke again, his voice was soft and his face morphed into understanding. “You look beautiful, Alara.”
My breath froze in my throat as his words sank in, and I couldn’t help but smile.
He smiled briefly in return before turning somber once more. “But I can tell you’re uncomfortable, and it makes me sad that you think you’re not beautiful all the time. That you think you need to borrow Naomi’s clothes and makeup.” His fingers trailed down my temple until they met the other hand already on my chin. “You keep trying to be different, and to what end? What are you hoping to gain? I’ve only been in your life for a short period of time and already I’ve seen all the amazing people you have. Naomi, Sherry, Derek… they love you like a sister. They would do anything for you. And I…” He trailed off and glanced down at my lips.
I instinctively licked them and watched his breath catch at the action. “You what?” I whispered.
His eyes returned to mine and he looked at me for a few long, torturous moments before speaking. I knew he wasn’t going to say what he’d been thinking moments before, but as he continued to gaze down at me, I realized I might not have been able to handle it anyway. “I only said we were friends because I didn’t know what else to say.”
I groaned and let my head fall forward. I was an idiot. A stupid, moronic idiot. I didn’t want a relationship, but then I get annoyed when he calls me a friend.
He must have known what I was thinking, because he gave me a small, knowing smile when I lifted my head. “Besides, the truth is far more complicated.” He paused to take a deep breath before continuing. “The truth is… you’re the girl I can’t stop thinking about. The girl I want to ask on dates and kiss whenever I want. The girl I want to trust with my secrets in exchange for her own. The girl I’d give anything to introduce my mother to.” His voice broke at the mention of his mother, and I felt my doubts shrinking.
“I want to know how you lost your first tooth and what your favorite cartoon was. I want to know what your favorite flowers are so I can bring them to you when you’re sad and what your favorite candy is for when I piss you off.” We laughed as he shook his head and pushed a piece of hair behind my ear. “I want to be your New Year’s kiss and the guy you tell your friends about. I want… I just want everything with you.”
I let out a long breath and finally felt my body relax. “Yeah, friend was probably easier.”
“Maybe there was also a small, petty part of me that wanted to make you jealous. I never know what you’re thinking, and I just wanted to see if I mattered. But I never meant to make you feel inferior. I’m sorry.” He reached up and ran his hand through my hair, causing a shiver to rack my body.
“No, I’m sorry. You asked me out, and I said no. What did I expect you to say? God, I’m so stupid. I want to punch myself in the face.” He laughed, but I kept going. “But I wasn’t trying to make you jealous either. Sherry invited Chad.” I paused and tried to draw back some of my liquid courage. “I… uhm, changed my mind. About dating you. Or, uh, just going on a date with you.”
“You did, huh?”
I nodded and licked my suddenly dry lips.
We stood in silence and stared at each other as a kind of electricity buzzed around us. Slowly, so slowly I thought I might pass out from anticipation, he lowered his mouth until it was only an inch from mine. I could already taste the beer on his breath and feel the warmth from his lips as he hovered there.
A thought occurred to me, and just before he made contact, I scooted back. “Maybe we should wait for a better moment. Like when we’re not in a bathroom that’s been the destination for party quickies and drunken-induced vomit.”
His grin was almost blinding. “All the moment really needs is the two of us.”
As if on cue, banging started on the door, and a shrill female voice yelled, “Hurry up! I can’t throw up in another purse.”
Gabe and I laughed as he grabbed my hand and opened the door to a long line of angry partygoers. He leaned down toward my ear and whispered, “Don’t worry. I’m sure we can find another place.” He pulled back with a smirk. “Maybe a landfill?”
I laughed even harder as we walked down the hall. “Yup. That’s what dreams are made of.”
Alara and I were inseparable for the rest of the party. Even though Naomi and Alara were staying at Sherry’s once the party wrapped up, Alara only had water for the rest of the night. The two beers I drank had zero impact on me. But I’m pretty sure I could have drunk an entire bottle of tequila and I still would have sobered up the second I stepped outside. That’s how nervous I was. It was just after two in the morning when Alara walked me out to my car, and I was determined to make a “better moment” before I left for the night.
“Naomi seemed especially excited tonight.”
She nodded as we stepped out the front door. “Yeah, she just finished sending out all her law school applications. I think she’s ready to let loose a little.” Alara tucked a piece of hair behind her ear. “She’s worked really hard these last few years, and she knows how much work law school will be… and she’ll totally commit once she’s there. Naomi’s the most disciplined person I know. But I think right now she just wants to make sure she experiences everything she can, you know?”
“Yeah, I think a lot of people get that way.” Nodding, she looked down as we descended the stairs, an awkward silence settling around us.
“So… this was your first time at Sherry’s place?” Alara asked as we reached the bottom of the stairs.
“Yeah. It’s really nice.”
“Right? I can’t believe she lives by herself. I mean… how the hell does she afford it?” She laughed nervously and stuffed her hands into the hoodie she slipped on before we walked out. We had just reached the sidewalk when Alara literally put three feet of concrete between us. I coughed into my hand to cover my growing smile, glad to know she was just as nervous.
“She doesn’t have a job?”
“No, she does. She tutors, but it’s only part time and unless it pays a crap ton, it still doesn’t explain how she can afford her lifestyle.” Alara’s footsteps slowed like she was trying to prolong our walk. I didn’t know whether it was because she knew I was going to kiss her and was nervous, or she just wanted more time with me, but either way I wasn’t complaining.
“What about her parents?”
“She never really talks about her parents. Actually, she doesn’t talk about her family at all.” She frowned and looked over at me. “I never thought about it before, but her past isn’t a topic of discussion too much.”
We both stopped talking as we took the final few steps to my car. Stopping at the front, we glanced at the driver’s side before looking at each other. Our nervous expressions quickly fled as we started laughing, both at each other as much as at ourselves.
“Why the hell is this so weird?” she asked.
“Right? I feel like we got the hard stuff out of the way in the bathroom.”
She smirked and stepped a little closer. “I feel like there’s a dirty joke in there somewhere.”
I laughed as I put my hands on her hips. “Yeah, I think there was. If Derek were here he’d be able to find it. But I’m a little distracted at the moment.”
“Are you?” She seemed to melt under my touch.
“Yeah.” I stared at her mouth, watching her breathing become unsteady and rapid. She licked her lips and I was lost. Earlier I had moved slowly, but this time I gave her no chance to stop it. Our lips met quickly, but the kiss itself was unhurried. I slowly moved my mouth in soft sweeps across hers. Alara felt stiff under me and her hand shook as I brought it up and around my neck. As the soft, closed-mouthed kisses continued she slowly relaxed and began moving her hands on her own, which I really fucking hoped meant she was ready for more because I didn’t think I could wait much longer. My mouth was eager as I slowly coaxed hers open and slid my tongue inside. When our tongues touched, her hand grasped and tugged the hair at the base of my neck, drawing a moan from me.
With both hands on her hips, I pulled her until she was flush against me. One of my hands moved around her hip and rested only an inch above her ass, while the other slowly started tracing her hip, ribs, and the side of her breast until I reached her collarbone. She shivered as I began making patterns on her shoulder, just like I did two weeks ago. I broke my mouth away only when I was positive we would both pass out from lack of air. She panted as I gently kissed the corner of her mouth, her jaw, all the way to her ear. When I nipped her earlobe, she gasped and arched into me while digging her nails into my scalp.
Alara’s confidence grew as she slipped a hand beneath my shirt and implemented my own torture as she softly drew patterns along the waistband of my jeans. I let out a small puff of air and tipped my head up when her mouth began assaulting my neck. I savored every warm sweep of her lips, every tentative lick, and every stroke of her fingers.
We continued to explore one another until I was positive I couldn’t take any more. I gently broke our connection and pushed her back by the hips I now had a death grip on once more. Her arms fell from my body as we both struggled for air. My eyes were focused on my hands and with a gentle squeeze I let go, stepped back and met her beautiful, wide eyes.
“Wow.” The sound was so light it was more like a puff of air than an actual word. “That… that…”
I chuckled. “Yeah, that.”