The knocking on the door kept getting louder and more insistent. With a huff I flung the covers off myself and stomped to the front door. A quick glance through the peephole revealed what I’d suspected. It had been three days since I’d seen him on campus, and obviously he was done waiting for the phone call I was having trouble making. I wasn’t lying when I said I was busy. The semester was wrapping up, and in addition to tests I had several projects to turn in. I knew I could have made time for him, but I just wasn’t ready. I wasn’t prepared for the possibility that this could be the end. As long as I kept ignoring him, we were in a kind of limbo, and a limbo was definitely preferable to a breakup.
Lightly resting my head against the door, I took a deep breath and clutched the doorknob. Before I could overthink it, I threw it open and stood face-to-face with a fuming Gabe.
“What are you—” I barely managed to get that out before Gabe dragged me to him and his mouth came crashing down on mine. It was an angry kiss. He bit down on my bottom lip—hard—eliciting a loud groan that had me parting my lips instantly. When he turned us, my back hit the doorjamb and his hands bit into my hips with the firm grip he had on them. His tongue continued its determined assault as his hands skimmed my ribs until he was roughly squeezing my breasts. I panted as he tore his mouth from mine and started raining kisses down my throat and chest until he reached the top of my tank top.
My mind whirled as emotions rolled over me in waves. Sadness. Fear. Love. Lust. I took a shuddering breath right before his mouth returned to mine; it was the roughest he’d ever been, but instead of scaring me it shot pure desire through me until I felt like I was floating.
“Gabe.” The sound was strangled as he became frantic, like he couldn’t decide what to do first as his mouth moved again to begin sucking on the skin above my tank while he pinched my nipples and ground his hips into mine. I had to clutch his shoulders to keep myself upright. Several seconds later his head came up and he missed my mouth as he tried to kiss me again. Awareness came flooding back to me as his alcohol-induced breath hit my face. With a slurred chuckle he moved to kiss me again, but I put my hands on his chest and pushed him back.
“You can’t keep ignoring me,” he growled against my lips before he released his hold and took a step back as we both struggled to get our breathing under control. As the heat from our kiss faded, I shivered, reminding me that the only thing protecting my skin from the bitter December cold was a cotton tank top and thin yoga pants. Our eyes connected and despite his drooping eyelids, I could see the apology in his eyes.
“Can I come in?” He swayed a little in front of me.
“How drunk are you?” I asked as I peered around him to look for his car. “How’d you get here?”
He shook his head and ignored my questions. “We need to talk.”
“And you think while your drunk and at,” I paused and grabbed his wrist to look at his watch, “two a.m. is the best time for this conversation?”
“Well, you wouldn’t talk to me while I was sober...”
“The last time we talked and you were drunk things didn’t end so well,” I replied with a bite. He grimaced and bowed his head, making me regret my careless words. I had only meant to stall him while I decided if I should let him in. I pinched the bridge of my nose and shut my eyes. “I really was late for something the other day. And I’ve been busy.”
“Right… busy, of course.” I opened my eyes at his mocking tone and found him shaking his head and running his fingers through his hair. I stayed silent as I crossed my arms over my chest and looked back into my empty apartment. He sighed warily. “I took a cab, I’ll just wait out here while I call him back.” He started to turn around when I reached out to grab his arm.
“Wait.” I cleared my throat and met his confused, but hopeful gaze. “Maybe… I mean… how about you just spend the night here?”
“Yeah? You sure?” He sounded relieved as he slumped against the opposite doorjamb.
I nodded and removed my hand from his arm. “Uh-huh.”
“Alara,” he said gently. “As much as I want to come in right now, I don’t want you to feel uncomfortable.” His head was resting on the frame and he started nodding off.
“Gabe.” I shook him. “I’m never uncomfortable around you. Come on.”
He didn’t protest again as I led him to the couch in the common room. He sat down and I began taking off his shoes, trying to avoid his eyes. “Where’s Naomi?”
“She, uh, she’s spending the night at Sherry’s.” I quickly finished up before grabbing the blanket laying over the back of the couch and tossing it at him. “Well, goodnight.” I practically ran from the room before I could change my mind about forgetting everything and slipping in with him.
I was still sitting up when she quietly shut the door, and despite how tired I was moments ago, sleeping was the last thing I wanted. Before I could give it any more thought I got up, stripped down to my boxers and started for her bedroom. I stumbled and cursed but caught myself before I fell. Without knocking I slowly opened the door, making just enough noise that she wouldn’t be frightened.
“Alara?” She tensed as I slid into bed behind her. My fingers flexed against her stomach as I pulled her so her back was flush against my front. “Alara? I know you’re still awake. It’s been like three minutes.” I chuckled and leaned forward, preparing to inhale the delicious coconut scent on her skin. But when my nose touched her nape, all I could smell was my own mint body wash. I pulled away and frowned a little.
“This isn’t a good idea, Gabe.” Her voice shook with unconvincing indecision.
“Maybe,” I whispered as I placed light kisses from her ear to her shoulder and back. “But I can’t be in the same house as you and not be touching you.” I paused as my tongue swirled around her earlobe, drawing it into my mouth for a soft bite. “But if you tell me to stop, I will.”
She let out a few steady breaths before speaking. “I can’t,” she whispered. She rolled onto her back at the same time I went to move over her, aligning us perfectly. Our mouths were like magnets as they fused together while our hands wandered over each other with greed.
I slowly brought her tank top up as I slid my hands along her bare stomach. Alara quickly sat up and ripped it off before grabbing me by the neck and kissing me hard. I lost and found myself in her kisses as we leisurely made love with our mouths. Dizziness took over as we continued, refusing to break apart even for air.
Finally, she tore her mouth away when she needed to catch her breath, but I wasted no time as I quickly made my way down her body, dropping soft kisses over her abdomen before reaching her warm center. I felt starved as I pulled off her pants, shoved her panties aside and sucked her clit into my mouth. As I drove two fingers inside her, her back bowed off the bed and her head rolled on the pillow. Pants and groans filled the room along with a string of profanities as I continued to drive her higher.
“P-please.”
I removed my mouth and slowed my fingers before lifting my head. “Please what?”
“God, don’t stop,” she cried as she tugged my head back down. My chuckle quickly turned into a moan as she lifted her hips toward my mouth. I continued eating her out and she sighed as she tightly wrapped her legs around my shoulders. Within seconds my name filled the room and Alara was fisting the sheets as she came.
Putting her underwear back in place, I settled over her once more and took my time kissing her down from her high, slowly rubbing her through the damp material. Alara started shoving my shoulders and mumbling. Panic clawed at my chest as I thought about her regretting this or wanting to stop.
“Stop,” she mumbled, pushing my chest harder. I froze for a moment before quickly pulling back, preparing myself for her anger and guilt. But when I looked down into her eyes they were still filled with lust, and she was licking her lips as she stared at my bare chest. “Top,” she said more clearly. “I want to be on top.”
Relief swamped me as I eagerly rolled over onto my back and Alara climbed on top, thrusting her tongue into my mouth. I gripped her hips and continued to rub my cotton-clad dick against her until she was moaning and gripping my shoulders. “Off. Everything off.” She quickly got up and shimmied out of her panties. By the time my boxers were kicked to the floor she was eagerly waiting at the end of the bed.
“Condom.” My voice was hoarse as every soft, warm part of her pressed up against me. She smirked before reaching under her pillow and coming back with one.
“Confident, were we?” I laughed but it quickly turned into a moan as she opened it with her teeth and rolled it on with just the right amount of pressure.
“No,” she replied slowly as she positioned herself above me. “Hopeful.” Our gazes turned serious as we stared at each other and she lowered herself down on me.
“You’re beautiful,” I whispered when I had filled her completely. She gave me a small smile as she leaned forward and kissed me slowly. And we were still except for our mouths for several minutes as we took our time exploring each other’s mouths. Slowly she started to move, and our lips broke apart as she sped up.
“Shit. Alara, you feel good.”
“Oh God…” she moaned as her eyes drifted shut.
I gripped her hips, holding her still until she opened her eyes. “Keep them open,” I answered her unspoken question. With a nod, her hands gripped my shoulders as her eyes locked with mine and we started moving. Slowly at first, like we had all the time in the world. I reached up and linked her fingers with mine before resting them next to my head. Her eyes flared at the dominating position, and before I knew it something snapped and we were moving so fast it seemed the world would end any second. Alara’s breasts bounced wildly in my face as she rode me, and it took everything in me to hold out. Not trusting my control, I ripped one of my hands away and brought it to her center, allowing two fingers to furiously rub her clit.
“G-Gabe…” Her hand squeezed mine as her inner muscles started strangling my cock. “Oh, God.” She met my thrusts with more vigor until she tumbled over, screaming her release and collapsing against me. Long moans tore through her throat and landed on my neck as she slowly descended from her orgasm. Frantic to follow, I flipped her over and caged her in with my forearms resting on either side of her head. Her body melted around mine, clearly sated and exhausted. My thrusts were careful and measured before she grabbed my face and brought our lips together in a fiery kiss despite her depleted breath.
“Harder,” she panted. I slowed and glanced down at her, knowing she was truly spent and not wanting to be too rough. She smiled softly, letting me know that it was solely for me. God, I love her. Knowing it wouldn’t take me long anyways, I pounded into her hard and fast and sure enough, within a minute I was coming apart and panting into her neck as my heart rate steadied and my breathing quieted.
After I cleaned up in the bathroom, I stood in front of the mirror for a few minutes trying to collect my thoughts. Shame clogged my throat. I didn’t feel drunk anymore, but I had been drinking, and some of the last things I’d said to her were lies spoken on drunken breath. And still she gave herself to me again. I didn’t deserve her, and the saddest fucking thing was she was always the one who thought she didn’t deserve me.
Coming here tonight, staying here, sleeping with her… hell everything about tonight was a mistake. She deserved so much better; she deserved to know how much I loved her before I ever went there again. She deserved an apology and an explanation, even if deep down she already knew I hadn’t meant any of it. Shaking my head, I quietly opened the door and made my way back to bed to find Alara already passed out. I quickly pulled on my discarded boxers before leaning over to push the hair from her face and placing a gentle kiss on her forehead. “I love you,” I whispered, knowing the words would fall on deaf ears, before slowly backing out of the room.
I woke up gradually as memories from my dream last night played through my mind. Smiling, I opened my eyes and stretched as my back bowed off the bed. Only when my arm hit the cold sheets next to me did I remember last night was most definitely not a dream. Heart pounding, I jerked upright and frantically looked around while clutching the sheet to my still naked body.
Waking up to an empty bed was surprisingly painful, but I tried to stay calm. Maybe he had something important to do and didn’t want to wake me. Maybe he’s in the bathroom. Maybe he’s in the kitchen. Maybe he left a note. Maybe. Maybe. Maybe…
Or maybe that was breakup sex…
Maybe you ignored him for too long…
Maybe everything he said was closer to the truth than you know…
I tried to quiet the cynical thoughts as I lay back down and closed my eyes, pulling deep breaths into my lungs. As if on cue my phone vibrated from my nightstand. I quickly grabbed it only to stare at it for a few minutes before daring to open it.
Gabe: hey, I’m sorry I didn’t stay last night. I didn’t want to wake you up but I couldn’t stay
Me: It’s okay.
I shook my head, frustrated and confused. Before he could respond I started typing again.
Me: Actually, it’s not okay. It was shitty. Why couldn’t you stay?
Gabe: I know it was, I’m sorry. but I just…I couldn’t stay
Gabe: this is a conversation we need to have in person, can I come over later?
I hesitated; my thumb hovered above the keys and my eyes screwed shut. But we couldn’t avoid this any longer; we both deserved answers even if they sucked.
Me: Sure.
Gabe: I get off work at 3?
Me: I’m home all day so come over whenever you want.
Gabe: I’ll see you at 3:15
I didn’t respond. I was glad he was anxious to see me, but that didn’t take away my nerves. I wanted to pretend I was unfazed. I wanted to pretend these past few months weren’t the best of my life and his words hadn’t destroyed me. I wanted all these things so that if he left me it wouldn’t hurt so much. I wanted… I wanted… I wanted. Those two words had been at the forefront of my brain for as long as I could remember. But I couldn’t just do what I wanted anymore. I had to do what I needed. And what I needed to do was tell him.
I needed to tell him I loved him. I loved him more than I thought possible. Before Gabe I wasn’t sure I even knew what love was; honestly a part of me felt like I never would. But even now that I knew what love was, I still had no idea how to put it into words.
I spent all afternoon going over and over all the things I wanted to say, but nothing quite seemed right. Nothing I came up with explained everything I felt for him, and I wanted to tell him everything. He deserved to know how much he did for me and how amazing he was. But I just didn’t know how.
There are only twenty-six letters in the alphabet… twenty-six… and somehow I was supposed to figure out a way to arrange them in the perfect order and explain something I didn’t think words could possibly explain. And maybe that was the problem. I was expecting words to fix everything. I was expecting words to make everything better, when maybe I just needed to do more.
Maybe I needed to say what I was feeling with no regards to how he might feel back. I might never be able to explain the true extent of my feelings, but surely doing something as out of my comfort zone as that, something as scary as admitting how I was feeling, would be proof enough?
Because sometimes there were just no words for how you were feeling. Sometimes there was just a look or a touch and you knew everything. I sat there anxiously waiting for him as I continued to run down what I wanted to tell him, finally accepting that there was no perfect combination of twenty-six letters that could come close to describing how much I loved him. But hoping he’d understand, because he felt the same way.
Looking at the clock, I saw it was five past three. I stood up from the couch I had been sitting on for the last thirty minutes and went to the kitchen for some water. After downing half the bottle, only two minutes had passed and I was still nervously twitching and staring at the clock.
A few minutes later a knock echoed throughout the apartment. Slowly moving from the kitchen toward the door, I shook out my arms and bounced on my feet a couple of times. Don’t ask me why I was warming up like I was about to enter a boxing ring. It just seemed right, and surprisingly, it helped. I stopped in front of the door, taking a deep breath and counting to five as I held it in.
Yes, he had broke my heart. But he wouldn’t have been able to do that if I didn’t love him as much as I did, if I hadn’t given him so much of me in the first place. And this past week without him was worse than anything he said to me that night. I guess that was how I decided to forgive him, because the pain of not being with him was worse than the pain of what he said. If I walked away now it would be out of nothing but my own fear.
My sister always used to tell me that cowards don’t deserve to be in love, that loving someone meant opening yourself up in every way possible, even if it hurt you.
And I deserved to be in love. I deserved it as much as anyone else and if I didn’t get it, at least I would know my cowardice wasn’t the thing that took it from me. I would know I gave it everything I could.
I slowly let out the breath, along with all the fears I had been holding, and opened the door.