We ended up spending the day in bed. Her idea, I swear. When we finally made it out at seven o’clock that night Naomi was sitting on the couch, grinning like the Cheshire cat.
“You know,” she mumbled around a mouthful of food. “For someone who always complained about all the noise I make, you sure are loud.”
“What?” Alara squeaked.
Naomi’s smile grew. “You’re a little bit of a screamer, babe.”
“No, I’m not.” She turned toward me and lowered her voice. “Am I?”
I pursed my lips as if in thought. “Well…”
She groaned and moved to hide behind my back.
“I’m kidding.” Naomi laughed and I joined her. “But, God, I really miss sex.”
“It’s only been a week,” Alara pointed out.
“A long ass freaking week.”
My girlfriend rolled her eyes before responding, “Go eat some cheesecake, then.”
Chuckling, I kissed her temple and ran my hand down her back until it settled just above her ass. Naomi tried to glare, but there was an unmistakable display of amusement in her eyes.
Alara stepped out of my hold before going back into her bedroom and grabbing her phone. “I’m gonna have Derek bring over some food from Poison. You guys want anything?” After we told her what we wanted, she headed to the kitchen while I walked over to the couch to join Naomi. She was practically bouncing in her seat as I flipped through the channels; she was seconds away from bursting—
“I’m so happy for you guys!”
“Thanks, Naomi.” I chuckled, but it tapered off quickly as I turned toward her. “For everything.”
“Of course.”
Alara came in several minutes later and sat down between us. Just as I lifted my arm and she snuggled into my side, I heard my phone ringing from her bedroom. Gently unwrapping myself from around Alara, I got up and jogged down the hall, barely answering it in time.
“Hello?”
“Gabe!”
I laughed. “Yeah, Sam. What’s up?” My expression immediately dropped as I thought of why she might be calling. “Is it Dad? Has he—”
“No, no. Nothing’s happened. Actually… he left for work. He’s going to be gone till at least March.” Her voice drifted to a whisper, almost like she still couldn’t believe he’d backed off. Frankly, I felt the same way.
“Are you okay with that? With being alone?”
“Yeah, Gabe.” Maybe if I saw her face she’d have been able to convince me—her ability to control her facial expressions was unparalleled. But I heard the slight break in her voice and I knew it was all a front. But I also knew now was not the time to address it.
“Is everything okay with Alara yet?” The false sentiment from moments ago was replaced by nothing but genuine concern.
“Everything’s perfect.”
Five minutes later I was still smiling when I hung up and walked back toward the living room to find Alara and Naomi laughing loudly on the couch. Both gesturing wildly with their hands, almost exactly like the first time I saw them. But this time Alara was just as animated as her friend. She was just as enthusiastic, just as uninhibited, just as… happy.
We’re told perfection doesn’t exist, but that couldn’t be true. Maybe perfection couldn’t last, but it certainly could occur. It had to, because as I stood there staring at this beautiful, flawed girl and realized that she was mine, no moment had ever felt so perfect.
“I hate Christmas shopping,” Sherry grumbled as a group of teenage girls almost ran her over while they giggled and swung shopping bags.
“Ditto,” Naomi agreed. “I never really cared that Santa wasn’t real when I was a kid, but now? I’d give anything to see that fat, red ass sticking outta my chimney if it meant avoiding this shit.”
We all started laughing as we reached the food court. Sherry and Naomi went off in search of Chinese while Sam and I headed toward the deli counter.
“Thanks again for inviting me.”
“I was happy to.” As we waited in line I began wringing my hands through the handles of the giant bag that contained Gabe’s gift. “So you really think he’ll like it?” I cringed as I asked for the fourth time.
But Sam didn’t seem annoyed at all; she simply smiled and reassured me again that he’d love it. When I entered the mall this afternoon I honestly had no idea what I’d be getting him; I didn’t even know what store I’d be getting it at. It wasn’t until we passed a toy store and Sam mentioned how much Gabe had always wanted a train set, but his father refused to buy him one, that I got an idea. By about the fifth question about Gabe’s childhood and what toys he played with, Sam started to understand and began smiling. Apparently even though their mother was very present and very attuned to her children’s needs, Gabe was also good at hiding things. He was good at pretending he didn’t want a certain toy and even when he did get something he wanted, he was always guarded with how he played with it.
So I was going to recreate some of the childhood he missed out on. It felt stupid and really, really cheesy. Like so cheesy I wanted to punch myself in the face. But all three girls insisted he’d love it and that it was a great idea.
And that was how I found myself standing in the food court holding a bag filled with Play-Doh, Legos, Don’t Break the Ice, Bop-It, a Magic 8-Ball, water guns, and of course, a train set, all for my twenty-five-year-old boyfriend.
“Our father, financially, could give Gabe anything he wanted. So he’s never really been one to care about fancy, expensive things. He always just wanted the freedom of being able to do what he wanted, and I think as a kid he got so used to settling that he wasn’t aware his entire life had become that way until our mother got sick.” Sam paused, apparently becoming fascinated by the menu above our heads. After a few strained minutes she spoke again, “This will mean a lot to him. It’ll be like a do-over.” She smiled as she faced me once more.
…
I barely contained my groan as I woke up at five a.m. on Christmas morning. Two hours of sleep after four hours of sex does not make a very productive person. Luckily I was able to slip out without Gabe stirring. Naomi already promised that I’d have the apartment to myself, so I was surprised when I walked out to her sitting on the kitchen counter with two mugs of coffee.
I gave her a strange look as I grabbed the proffered mug and took a small sip. “Damn that’s good, thank you. But, and don’t take this the wrong way, what the hell are you doing here?”
She laughed into her cup before setting it down and jumping off the counter. “I thought I’d help.”
“Really?”
She nodded. “’Course. Plus what if he wakes up and you need to go back and distract him, but it’s not finished?”
I paused with my cup halfway to my mouth. “Good point. You’re going to be a kick-ass lawyer.”
Naomi rolled her eyes as her smile widened. “Yes, I’ll be sure to put Christmas gift engineer/conspirator on my list of accomplishments and cite you as a reference for law school.”
“I’m sure once they realize what a smart-ass you are, they’ll accept you right away… that’s a big part of being a lawyer, no?”
We both laughed softly as we made our way into the common room. “So, how do you want to do this?” she whispered now that we were closer to my bedroom door.
After a quick discussion about where and how to do what, we silently got to work. We had to pause a couple times when it seemed like Gabe might be stirring, but each time was a false alarm. It was just nearing half past six when we finished and I walked Naomi to the front door.
“Thanks again for helping. At least now I can get a little bit of sleep.”
“No problem. I figured you’d be exhausted. Holidays and fucking just go hand in hand. I swear it could’ve been Groundhog Day and Caleb and I would have been humping like—”
I held up my hand. “I remember.”
She smirked before nudging me with her elbow. “It was good though, right?” I blushed as I thought back to just how good it was. She laughed, apparently taking that as my answer before quickly hugging me goodbye and leaving.
Yawning, I poured myself one more cup of coffee before sitting at the kitchen table to wrap the Magic 8-Ball. With all the other gifts already set up in the other room, he needed to be able to unwrap at least one present. Five minutes and half a cup of coffee later, it was wrapped and I was ready to crawl back into bed.
I softly shut the door to my bedroom and turned toward the bed to find Gabe sitting upright against the headboard. I let out a small scream as I jumped back into the door and my hand flew to my throat.
“Jesus.”
“Scare you?”
“No.” I rolled my eyes. “That’s just a new ritual I’ve decided to start every time I walk into my bedroom,” I said as I made my way to the bed after placing his wrapped gift on my desk.
He growled and lunged forward to drag me across his body and into bed. Gabe wasted no time as his lips came down on mine. They were smooth and soft as they brushed over my lips, down my neck, and across my collarbone. I shivered in delight but instead of arousing me, it was actually lulling me to sleep a little.
“Are you falling asleep on me?” he asked a few minutes later after I started to nod off.
“Never,” I mumbled through a yawn. He laughed as he placed a few soft kisses on my mouth before lowering down to his back and settling me against his side. “Maybe we could sleep for just a few minutes.”
He was quiet for so long that I assumed he fell back asleep, but just as I went under I heard, “Take all the time you need. We have forever.”
…
When I woke up a couple hours later, I panicked. It was close to eleven and even though Gabe was asleep now, I had no way of knowing whether he went out there earlier. As if he sensed my distress, he woke up a few minutes later and smoothed the lines gathering between my eyebrows with his thumb.
“What’s wrong?”
“Did you, uh…” I trailed off as I looked toward the door.
“No.” I looked back to find him shaking his head. “With all the bumping and whispering out there earlier, I figured I wasn’t to know.”
Relief flooded my chest as I gave him a quick kiss. “Thank you.” He gave me a warm look in response before asking whose gift we should open first. “Yours, let’s do yours first.”
He nodded as he shuffled out of bed and pulled on his boxers and a T-shirt before moving toward the door. I put a hand to his chest before darting to the desk and grabbing the present. “Open this first.”
I shifted around nervously as he tore into the paper and revealed the Magic 8-Ball. He gave me a curious gaze, like what the hell am I going to do with this? He didn’t look disappointed, just confused. And it was at that moment I realized I had nothing to say. I hadn’t thought of a reason I would be giving this to him, at least not without explaining the rest. As the moments passed and I said nothing, he merely shrugged and opened the box.
“Hmmm…” He tapped his lips as he thought of a question. “Am I handsome?” Gabe grinned as he shook the shiny black ball. His smile multiplied as he read the answer before turning it to me.
Without a doubt.
I groaned as he asked another question, “Am I going to find out why I got this gift?” He shook quickly. “Outlook good,” he read.
I blushed a little as he asked, “Will I ever figure this girl out?” He was laughing as he turned it toward me.
My sources say no.
We both laughed. He set the ball down before wrapping me in his arms and placing a kiss on my forehead. “Thank you,” he whispered.
“You don’t even understand what it’s for.”
I felt his head shake against mine. “It doesn’t matter. You could probably give me a sack of dog shit and I’d love it.”
“I’ll keep that in mind next year, that’ll certainly be less expensive.” He pulled back from me and revealed the beautiful smile that had taken over his face. “What?”
“Nothing, beautiful.” His smile remained as he nodded toward the door. “Shall we?” he asked. Lacing my fingers with his, we walked to the door. I had just put my hand on the knob when I realized what the smile was for. I said next year. Two words. Two simple words. But they held so much promise. I was promising someone my future; I was looking forward to my future.
She watched as my eyes took everything in. The assembled train set that ran from one end to the other, the Play-Doh and Legos waiting on the coffee table, water guns leaning against the wall by the kitchen, and the two games laid out on the floor in the middle of the track.
My gaze spent an especially long time on the train set. I knew it the instant I saw it—it was the one I’d begged my dad for two years in a row. One of the things I had wanted that I had hid from my mother.
“How?”
“Sam.”
My heart lurched as I felt myself fall even more. Sam’s acceptance and inclusion in Alara’s life wasn’t my gift, but it still felt like the best thing Alara could have given me. She leaned forward to press her soft, warm lips to mine.
“She said this could be like a do-over,” she whispered against my lips.
I stayed silent as I thought about her words, the past few months, and my mom’s letter. Would I want a do-over? Could I truly regret the sadness of my past if it brought me to this moment? A do-over wouldn’t guarantee happiness, it wouldn’t guarantee love and contentment, all of which I had right now.
Shaking my head, I turned to cup her face in my hands. “I wouldn’t do anything over.” I paused and stared into her wide, green eyes. “I’d do it all again if it got me here. If it gave me you.”
Alara’s lips tipped up into a trembling smile as a few happy tears fell from her eyes onto my hands. I bent down and left a breath of air between our lips as we continued to stare at each other. Her tongue brushed against my lips as she licked her own and shut her eyes. After a few chaste kisses she whispered, “I wouldn’t either. Sometimes I felt so… out of touch with everything. Like I had no purpose, but I’d go through all that pain again. For you.”
I smiled and couldn’t refrain from giving her another quick kiss before speaking. “It’s ironic, isn’t it?”
“What is?” she asked as her eyelids fluttered open.
“That the girl who thought her life had no purpose gave me mine.” I barely caught her smile before she was kissing me. Just as my eyes drifted shut, something caught my eye, and I suppressed a smile as I moved us toward the kitchen. I pinned her to the wall right before the kitchen and moved my mouth down her throat; my hands roamed until I was squeezing her hips. Glancing up, I saw her eyes were closed and her head was thrown back as she gripped my shoulders. I slowly lifted my left hand and moved it until my palm settled on the barrel of a water gun. I backed away quickly and shifted until the gun was aimed at her heaving chest. Alara’s head tipped forward and her eyes sluggishly opened until they landed on the object in my hand and widened.
“What are you—AHHH!” She jumped to the side and grabbed the other gun as the water from mine seeped through her shirt, and the fabric clung to her chest. “That was cheating.”
“All’s fair in love and war.”
She glared as she aimed at my forehead, and three quick pumps later my hair was soaked. We ran around the apartment for another ten minutes until the guns were empty and our tops were drenched.
“I don’t think this tiny apartment was the best place for this.”
“No, definitely not.” I smiled as I stripped off my T-shirt. She shivered as she pulled off her own top, leaving her in only a light blue bra. I immediately walked over and began rubbing my hands up and down her arms, trying to warm her up. Pausing, I brought my hand up to her chest and delicately traced her collarbone; this time she shivered for a completely different reason. “Stay here.” Leaving her in the common room, I went back to the bedroom and dug around in my bag until I found what I was looking for. I stopped to grab a towel, her sweatshirt, and my shirt before returning.
Silently, I dried her off as she stared at me with nothing but love in her eyes. “Up,” I commanded as I nodded toward her arms. She smiled and lifted them over her head, allowing me to slowly work the sweatshirt over her head and down her chest. After drying myself off and fixing my own T-shirt, I led her over to the couch and placed the small red box with a gold bow on her lap. Alara fingered the gold ribbon before slowly pulling it off and lifting the lid.
My hands twitched as I stared at her face, trying to gauge her feelings, and the paper crinkled as she pulled it back to reveal her present. We sat in silence for several minutes, her staring at it and me staring at her, both of us giving nothing away.
“It’s an olive branch,” I said stupidly. Her eyes lifted to mine as she stroked the simple necklace, but her face was still infuriatingly impassive. I cleared my throat and looked down toward the silver five-leaf olive branch nestled on a thin silver chain. “It’s a symbol of peace and forgiveness.” I lifted my eyes to hers and all the emptiness from moments ago was gone. “I know you struggle with acceptance and I know it’s going to be a daily struggle, but I just wanted you to have a reminder, something with you all the time. I want you to know how strong you are, even when you feel weak. I want you to know that you deserve peace, even when all you feel is chaos. And I need you to know that I love you, even when you get scared and think I don’t.”
She nodded as her eyes watered. “It’s beautiful. I love it. I love you.”
“You’re beautiful. And I love you too. Don’t cry, pretty girl.” I thumbed away her tears and kissed her nose.
“They’re happy tears.” She pulled the necklace from the box and held it toward me. “Will you put it on for me?”
I took it from her hands with a smile. “I think that’s half the reason I bought it.” Alara smiled in return and shifted until her back was to me. I slowly swept the hair from her neck until she gathered it at the side and lifted it off her soft skin. My hands ghosted over her warmth as I brought the chains up her neck and connected them at her nape. After pressing a gentle kiss to her neck, I let go and turned her around.
“Thank you.”
I leaned forward and captured her lips with mine. “So no more talk about going back or do-overs, and no more worries about the future, okay?” She nodded as I ran my fingers over her necklace. “We’ll just focus on now. Not the beginning or the ending, just the middle.”
I felt her smile against my lips as we kissed once more and her arms wound around my neck. We stayed that way for seconds, minutes, maybe even hours, I honestly couldn’t say. Every few minutes I’d taste her smile and breathe her joy and I’d fall in love all over again. And despite my words I knew that the past, present, and future would always be a part of who we were. I loved all of her, who she had been, who she was, and who she would be.
That night as we lay in each other’s arms and I watched her slowly fall asleep, I placed a light kiss on Alara’s forehead and whispered, “I’ve found her, Mom, and I think you led me to her. Is that crazy?” I laughed softly. “Of course you wouldn’t think it’s crazy, you’d love it. You’d love the idea that even after you were gone you were still helping me find my way.” I paused as I ran my fingers through Alara’s hair. “Honestly I love it too. I love that you’re not really gone. I love that I can still feel your love. I hope you can feel mine.” I lay back and let my eyelids slowly shut as I thought about my mom’s letter.
I was going to bed with a smile on my face; I woke up this morning to Alara’s laughter, and I’d given my heart away with no intention of getting it back.
I was finally over-the-moon happy.
My smile widened.