Chapter 9 Aftershock

ELLIS was having the most pleasant dream of his life. He was hiking the Appalachian Trail and standing on Blue Mountain overlooking the scenery below. The sun was just rising. The wind whipped around him and he felt free. Glorious. Reborn. He held his arms out to the side and yelled across the valley, “Woo-hoo! Yeah!” It felt wonderful to be alive. He was standing at the highest point in Berks County in any direction, stark naked and yelling at the top of his lungs. A hawk flew overhead and “kee-eee-arred” back to him, and he laughed out loud.

“Are you going to converse with the local wildlife, or join me for breakfast?”

Ellis turned his smiling face toward Cole and then scampered back to rejoin him in their double sleeping bag. He snuggled up to him and kissed his sweet lips, relishing the feel of his scruffy mustache and goatee. Ellis loved how Cole’s facial hair scratched at his lips and chin. It was a demonstrable attribute that reminded Ellis he was kissing a man. This man!

Cole reached down and grabbed the curved globe of his ass, pulling him tight against him. Then Cole rolled Ellis to his back and aggressively pushed his legs apart.

That was when Ellis woke up.

He opened his eyes and found he was staring at the back of Cole’s head. Not from far away, mind you, but up close and personal! In fact, his lips were mere inches from the back of his neck. Ellis breathed in deeply and detected several smells simultaneously. Sweat. He sniffed again. Body odor—he seriously needed a shower. And—sniff—sex. Like latex and come. His heart sped up.

Ellis went to move but couldn’t. His arm was firmly clasped around Cole’s midsection, and Cole’s arm rested over his. Their bodies were touching from where his nose touched Cole’s brown hair all the way down to where his ankle looped over Cole’s foot. He could feel every inch of him. Cole. In his arms. He swallowed hard.

Ever since Cole had opened the door and begrudgingly endured the shenanigans of his pals, Ellis couldn’t stop thinking about him. He was amused by his gruff demeanor, yet also intimidated by it. Cole’s obsessive compulsiveness drove him crazy, yet he found he wanted to please him more and more. Cole, with his vast collection of stupid science-related T-shirts, his tortoiseshell rectangular-framed glasses, and his quirky way of cleaning the lenses every time he was nervous, made Ellis’s heart yearn for something it had never felt in his entire life.

He leaned in a fraction and kissed Cole’s skin.
Kissing him felt so good.

But as soon as he lifted his knee, attempting to maneuver his body without waking Cole, he felt a twinge of burning pain… there!

There! A place that should never burn unless he’d experienced long bouts of diarrhea, which only occurred if he drank too much milk. He shouldn’t hurt there.

As the events of last night flooded his conscious mind, Ellis started to panic. He could hardly catch his breath as he gasped. He had sex! Cole fucked him! He—Ellis—allowed Cole—a man—to penetrate his asshole! And now he was here in Cole’s bed, entwined with Cole’s sleeping form and unable to get away. But he had to! He had to run. Ellis needed to escape this bed of vulnerability he’d suddenly found himself in.

Cole had fucked him. Hard.

This couldn’t be what it felt like to be gay? This open. This helpless. This emasculated. He thought he’d feel joy, peace, love, warmth, but all he felt was terror.

The room was spinning and his arms felt as though they were trapped in a vat of molasses, difficult to pull free from Cole’s vise grip. His legs wouldn’t move, either. They were stiff and unresponsive. How could he get out of here when Cole had chained him to the bed?

At once, in one swift motion, Ellis rolled backward and landed on his feet on the opposite side of the bed. He was free. Standing completely nude in Cole’s bedroom, while Cole obliviously slept. He had to leave. Now! At once! Ellis snatched his clothes from the bed, the floor, the nearby chair, and left without making a sound.

After yanking on basketball shorts and a T-shirt, he left the apartment, in desperate need of solitude. He jogged to the football field and fell into a casual run around the sidelines. Without thought, he stopped at one goal post and dashed to the ten-yard line and back. That was easy. He sprinted, this time to the twenty. His calves burned, but he loved the familiarity of it. He repeated the exercise by sprinting to the thirty-yard line and back. His thighs burned. Good. But he could still feel a throb in his ass. It felt like Cole was still there—pushing in and pulling out in that seductive rhythm of sexual conquest and domination.

He sprinted to the forty, back, fifty and back.
Cole couldn’t control him.

Maybe he—Ellis—wasn’t gay? Maybe last night was an accident? He sprinted to the sixty and back. His lungs burned. His thighs screamed. Still, he ran on.

Sure he felt attracted to Cole. Cole was adorable in a nerdyscience sort of way, but did that mean he cared for him in a homosexual way? Maybe Ellis was confused. Cole was insufferable and incorrigible and infuriating—run, touch eighty-yard line and turn—but he was also thoughtful. He never made dinner without asking if Ellis liked all the ingredients first. That was nice. He didn’t have to do that. Cole was tender and affectionate but never did anything blatant when they were in public.

Cole was sweet in his own way.

Ellis bent and touched the goal line on the opposite end and nearly collapsed on his return, huffing and puffing on the fifty-yard line. “Then why… why… do I feel… so scared?” he asked himself, but he was too exhausted to think. In his mind, something was wrong. Sex was supposed to bring a couple closer together, but sex with Cole made him feel more distant, more confused, and more insecure. Why?

Across the field, he noticed Stanley White repainting the lines on the field. He glanced his way. “Shit! What if he knows?” Ellis asked out loud. “What if he can look at me and tell I had a dick up my ass?” He often found Mr. Stanley’s presence comforting, but today Ellis all but panicked thinking the kindly older gentleman would walk over and chat. Thankfully, he didn’t.

Ellis took the moment to leave before Stan changed his mind. “Maybe something’s wrong with me?” said Ellis, clambering along, hoping Cole wouldn’t be in the apartment when he returned.

Of course Cole was home. And then he lied about shooting hoops with Russell. He hated lying to Cole. Plus he yelled at him! Ellis felt awful about yelling at Cole. Part of him struggled with a need to reach out and hold Cole, but the selfish half fish-flipped in his gut, reminding him how exposed he felt in Cole’s presence. He turned on the shower but remained by the door—listening.

Cole bellowed, “Although you could ask before taking my shirt!”

Ellis looked down. Shit! I’m wearing his shirt. “I must have grabbed it by accident.” He yanked it off and flung it out the door. Seconds later, he heard the apartment door slam. Ellis leaned on the door and fought tears.

He stepped into the shower and felt the hot water cascade over his sore muscles. He washed. He leaned on the wall, thinking about what he’d done last night. It’s not supposed to feel like this. As the water ran down his face, Ellis watched the bubbles chase each other down his legs, over his feet and into the drain. If only the fear he felt would follow them down. If only the manifest weakness sobbing itself free through his tears would vanish with the bathwater and cleanse him of the shame he felt. Ellis leaned on the tile and cried like he’d never cried before.
FOR almost two weeks, Ellis walked through a fog. Concentrating on school was nearly impossible, yet somehow he’d managed to pull off A’s on all the papers he handed in, albeit low A’s, but he didn’t know how. Everything was so mixed up in his head. If someone asked him what he was studying, he was certain he wouldn’t be able to explain anything properly. What was he going to do with midterms approaching?

In the back of his mind, he knew he’d gone to see his parents a few times but what they did or ate on those occasions, he couldn’t remember. He could hardly remember anything. Except Cole.

He sat on the couch while Cole was in class and tried with great effort to compose a poem for creative writing. The task was daunting. He couldn’t write poetry. He couldn’t concentrate on poetry.

And what should I say speak of today,
Of paper flowers and skies of gray?
Or cloudy moon-lit nights, sitting alone,
Candles burning, with no one home.

Ellis crossed off words and crumbled sorry attempts at expressing his feelings. He felt cold. He felt empty. He felt a mountain of guilt and shame, but what was he ashamed of? He didn’t know—that part was unclear. Two weeks ago, he would have sworn he felt ashamed of letting Cole fuck him. Then time passed. Days and days. Now, he wasn’t sure what was going on in his head. Every time he saw Cole, he could only think of touching him, kissing him, wanting him, and missing the feel of him in his arms. Yet every time he considered giving in to his yearning desire, the fear of strangulation stopped him cold.

The constant conflict was unbearable.

 

He threw another ball of paper just as the door opened and Cole walked in.

“Ah!” Cole cried. “Again?” Cole was not questioning Ellis’s actions in a happy voice; it was his “I can’t believe how fuckingstupid you are” voice.

Ellis jumped up. “I’m sorry,” he replied, scrambling to grab all the crumbled papers from the floor.

“The logic eludes me why you can’t bring the wastebasket from the corner of the room over to where you’re sitting, so that each failed attempt at artistic expression can simply be placed into it and not all over my floor.”

Ellis looked up at Cole, who was reprimanding his actions with hands on hips. “Maybe if you gave me twenty more minutes, I’d have cleaned them all up and left no evidence for you to find fault with.”

“So you’re saying it’s my fault you’re a slob?”

“No. I’m saying you need to stop trying to control my actions to the point of creating a carbon copy of yourself. I’m not you!” Ellis yelled, glaring at Cole before depositing his trash in the can Cole held out. It wasn’t like he’d planned on yelling, but it was easy to do when his emotions were so close to the surface. “How many times do we have to go over this? I’m not you! I carelessly make messes and clean them up after. I don’t think about ants that might be attracted to the sugar on the floor, and I don’t care if my clothes get wrinkled when I leave them in the dryer overnight.”

“Maybe that’s your problem! If you thought ahead—ever, maybe you could avoid all the messes you create!” Cole yelled in return.

Ellis snatched up all his books and went into his room, tossing them onto his bed. He returned to the living room, where Cole stood, and grabbed his jacket. “You’re right!” he roared, allowing his frustration to pour from the funnel of his lips. “I do need to think ahead! If I did, maybe I wouldn’t have slept with you!”

Cole opened his mouth, but then stopped. He looked away, and Ellis took that split second between reaching out and fleeing to disappear through the door. Fleeing the scene was easier than apologizing when he wasn’t sure which part he needed to apologize for.
ELLIS wandered into the pub feeling… God, he didn’t know.

He lumbered over to the bar and took a seat. The bartender gave him an inquisitive look and Ellis didn’t bother bickering over his age. “Coke, please,” he said.

This pub could be seen as a family pub, if one could refer to Irish pubs as having a “family” style. Lots of people came here for the food as much as the drink and atmosphere. It was comfortable and generally affordable. It was also close to the college, and students could walk over from the dorms. The establishment always carded, so no one bothered trying to get served if they were underage. Ellis knew better. Plus, he figured, in a few months it wouldn’t matter anyway.

Ellis sipped his Coke and waited for his sister. He hoped that coming out this evening wasn’t going to be a mistake, but what else could he do? Stay in the apartment? No thanks! Earlier in the day he’d entertained the idea of inviting Cole along tonight to meet his sister, but after they yelled at one another, Ellis knew he wasn’t ready to get over that night.

It hadn’t been quite two weeks, but the night he’d slept with Cole had haunted his dreams every night since. Sometimes the images were so vivid that Ellis could taste Cole’s sweat on his lips when he woke up. Ellis didn’t want to remember what they shared in Cole’s bed, but still the images flashed before him… all the time! He felt like a hostage of his own memories. Cole’s mouth on him. Cole’s teeth nipping. Cole’s breath panting his name.

“Hey, El!” Ellis blinked and turned toward the sweet voice to his left.

 

“Hi, sis,” he replied, sliding his arm around her waist and then squeezing her tight.

 

The perky little blond gestured to her side and asked, “You remember Lori?”

Ellis nodded and leaned into her offered hug. “Of course I do. Although I have to say, since you guys decided to make it official, I don’t see either of you as often. What is that about? Your straight brother isn’t all that interesting anymore?”

His sister protested, “Hey! Gay or straight doesn’t matter! I love you either way. But I am sorry about the disappearing act. It wasn’t intentional. We just… got… distracted.” She gave her girlfriend a devilish grin and blushed as she ran her fingers down Lori’s bare arm.

“It’s been two years, Sara. I used to see you so much it was annoying. Now I forget what you look like.”

Sara looked surprised, but Lori didn’t bother playing into his joke. “Stop it,” she said, thumping her hand against Ellis’s chest. “We haven’t changed that much. She’s still beautiful, and I’m still the plain Jane with straight brown hair that no one notices anyway.”

“Not true!” Ellis refuted. “You’ve always been beautiful, Lori. Your downfall is having terrible taste in women.”

 

“Hey!” Sara shrieked and slapped him as Lori giggled.

“So, what are we doing? Eating? Playing darts in the game room? What?” Ellis thought getting activities started would help organize his dull evening and help keep him from daydreaming.

“I could eat,” Lori said.

Sara nodded in agreement. “Yeah, and play darts after.” She smiled as she spoke, continually stroking her girlfriend’s lower back.

Ellis was happy for his sister. She’d found true love, it seemed. Lori had always been a huge part of her life. They’d been friends since maybe elementary school, at least in Ellis’s recollection. They had always been close and always did everything together. It wasn’t a hard stretch to believe they were girlfriends when they told their parents. Ellis remembered his mom and dad looking disappointed, then sad, then understanding, and finally welcoming. They had always liked Lori anyway.

So if Ellis knew his parents were okay with Sara’s sexuality, then why was he afraid of his own?

 

A cold shiver went down his back. “I gotta take a wiz. Be right back.”

“Hey.” Sara stopped him with a touch on his arm.
“What?” Ellis looked her in the eyes.
“Are you okay? You looked drained.”

Her concern was appreciated, but he wasn’t ready to spill. “Yeah. Fine. I’ll be right back.” He turned and strolled off toward the toilets. He could hear Sara calling after him, saying something about a table. He’d find them later; he knew he would.

In the bathroom stall, Ellis leaned against the wall, covering his face with his hands. “What am I doing?” he muttered. “I’m not gay. I like girls. Girls are beautiful. Even the lesbians I know.” He chuckled. That was an absurd thought, even if it was true.

He did think girls were beautiful, and he could confidently say that he thought most girls were beautiful, even the fat ones. There was something about the feminine shine that attracted him. He liked the sound of a female voice. He liked the curve of a female waist. “So what’s wrong with me?” His self-examining, one-way conversations were becoming habitual. He couldn’t remember talking to himself like an idiot before he moved in with Cole. Ellis snapped his hands away from his face. Epiphany strikes! “That’s it! Living with Cole has made me batty!”

Flash! Ellis writhing under Cole’s body. Breaths mounting. Moans filling the room. Cole’s lips kissing his neck. Cole’s cock touching something deep inside….

“I’m crazy, all right. Crazy for something I don’t want to think about.”

He didn’t want to think about any kind of attraction to Cole. He didn’t want to think about homosexuality at all! And now here he was, having dinner with his gay sister and her lover! “I certainly know how to torture myself, don’t I?”

Just then the bathroom door opened, and Ellis went still. He didn’t want whoever it was overhearing his external, internal conversation. As soon as the person went into a neighboring stall, he’d leave. He just needed to remain quiet for another few seconds.

“Ahhh!” Ellis jumped as someone grabbed his leg under the stall dividing wall. “What are you—?” He started to question his unseen attacker but stopped when he heard sniggers from the adjacent stall. “Rob, is that you?”

Rob popped his head under the stall. “Yeah.”

Seeing Rob’s huge smile was comforting, but he wouldn’t admit to it being a pleasant surprise. “Idiot!” he said. “What do you think you’re doing?”

Rob’s head disappeared and Ellis opened his door to join him in the open part of the restroom. It wasn’t exactly normal to have a conversation in the men’s room, but this was way better than having a conversation under the stall dividing walls.

“I came in looking for you,” Rob answered.

 

“Why? How’d you know I was in here? And what if you grabbed another guy’s leg instead of mine?”

Rob’s expression said that the notion was ridiculous. “I saw Sara by the bar and she said you were in here. And come on, you’ve worn the same shoes since I met you. I’d know it was you in the dark.”

“Have not!”
“Have too!”

“I just bought these three months ago! So there.” Ellis stuck out his tongue.

 

“And they are exactly the same style as the last four pair! There back!” And Rob stuck out his tongue.

 

“Oh,” Ellis allowed. “But you still couldn’t see me in the dark. They don’t glow.”

 

Rob wasn’t fazed. “Sure they do.” He leaned over and pointed. “See that little Adidas symbol on the back? It glows.”

 

“No, it doesn’t.” Ellis didn’t believe him.

 

“You don’t believe me?” Rob asked as if challenged. He reached over to the light switch and turned them off.

“Rob!” Ellis protested in the utter darkness.
“Just look!” Rob insisted.

Ellis couldn’t see anything, but he brought his knee up and grabbed his foot, inspecting the heel of his shoe in the dark. Sure enough, a little Adidas symbol glowed in the dark. “Wow. I never noticed that before.”

“Never underestimate my powers of keen observations, my friend. My eye spies all!”

 

The door opened and they turned to see Russell enter. “Why are you guys standing around in the dark? Did the power go out?”

Rob answered, “No, blockhead! If the power went out, then you wouldn’t be letting in light from the hallway!” He shook his head. “Jeez, why do I have to be the brains for all of you?”

“You’re not my brains!”

 

“Of course not, Russ. That’s why you’re asking if the power is out when it’s clearly on in the room behind you.”

 

“Shut up, Rob.” Russell looked at Ellis and asked, “So, why are you in here?”

“He’s in here inspecting the electrical system.”
Russell punched Rob’s arm. “Shut up, Rob!”

Ellis breathed out heavily. If this was the type of evening he was going to have, he almost considered going home. Yet, it might prove a good distraction. “I was just leaving, Russ. Do you guys want to join us?”

Rob turned on the lights and answered, “Not if it’s going to be a major inconvenience. I saw Sara had a friend with her. Is it just the three of you? Is Cole coming?”

Russell said, “You guys go ahead, I gotta wash my hands.” “Okay.” Ellis nodded to Russell, and he left the room with Rob. Ellis nonchalantly answered Rob’s question saying, “It’s just us. Cole’s not coming.”

“Huh. Isn’t that weird? I mean, I haven’t seen him since the camping trip. Is he okay?”

Ellis appreciated Rob’s caring nature, but it didn’t help him forget about Cole if Rob was going to bring him into every conversation. “He’s fine,” Ellis said with finality. Suddenly he needed a diversionary tactic to change the subject. Lori! “By the way, Sara’s friend isn’t just a friend. Lori’s her girlfriend.” He knew it was rude disclosing personal information about his sister to Rob, but there was a part of his brain that needed to feel Rob out. (Besides getting the topic off Cole.)

Rob stopped walking about twenty feet from the bar area. “Gay, huh? Okay.”

 

Ellis glanced at him. “Is that going to be a problem? You don’t have to hang out with us if it weirds you out.”

 

Rob calmly shrugged. “No, no problem.”

 

“Are you sure? I know you go to church all the time. You lead the youth group and you’re way more spiritual than me!” Rob chuckled. “Spiritual? Is that what you call it? Okay.” “You are. Isn’t homosexuality a sin and all?” Ellis didn’t want to go there, but his mouth wouldn’t stop talking.

Rob answered, “Ellis, can’t we just have fun? I’m not here to judge people. I like your sister, I just didn’t know she was a lesbian.”

Ellis stared. Rob’s not here to judge people. Would he judge me?

 

“Ellis?” Russell’s voice drifted in from the side. “Are you in there?”

 

Ellis snapped to face him. “What?”

 

“Ah, you spaced out.” Rob shook his head and made a face. Russell grinned and lifted an eyebrow. “Are we joining you guys or what?”

 

“We’re joining them.”

When they walked toward the bar where the girls waited, Ellis noticed a guy at a table behind them that was wearing a shirt that read, “A man and his truck, it’s a beautiful thing.” Funny T-shirt, he thought. Cole likes funny T-shirts. He caught himself doing it again! Shit! Stop thinking about Cole!

Sara waved at him, trying to grab his attention. “El, are you in there?”

 

Ellis blinked. “Yeah, I’m here. So what are we doing?” Lori scrunched her eyes up at him. “Um, getting a table for five, apparently. Are your friends joining us?”

Rob chimed in as if Ellis had prompted him. “Why of course they are!” To Lori, he held out his hand. “These are my friends Rob”—he gestured to himself—“and Russ.” Ellis glared at him. Rob continued, “Rob is my very best friend in the world, and I owe him everything. If it weren’t for his exceptional mastery of sociable intercourse, I’d be an introverted hermit on the verge of academic suicide.”

Ellis rolled his eyes. “Shut up.”
Russell made a face. “Dude, that makes no sense.” “Yes, it does.”
Lori smiled and shook his hand. “It’s nice to meet you.”

Russell hugged Sara. “I haven’t seen you in a long time. You look great!”

 

“Thank you!” she said happily.

As they exchanged pleasantries, Ellis caught sight of Cole entering the bar. Their eyes met. Ellis felt nauseous and frightened. If he joined them, would everyone know they slept together? Would they judge him for it? Inexplicably, Ellis looped his arm around his sister and pulled her close, kissing her temple. She giggled and planted a kiss on his cheek, cupping his jaw tenderly.

Cole’s eyes flashed anger and hurt. He took one step toward them and then stopped. His shoulders drooped right before he shook his head, turned, and fled through the doors, practically pushing a woman over in the process. Ellis felt the damage he’d inflicted by that one small gesture as if Cole had walked right up and slapped him across the face.

Ellis released Sara and hung his head. Why did I do that? He shouldn’t have. His stomach knotted from the guilt. I should go after him. He glanced up and noticed Lori watching him. Ellis cleared his throat and shifted gears. “Should we ask for a bigger table?” He’d wallow in his shame another day.

Sara agreed and held up her hand to the hostess passing by. When she walked over, Sara asked, “Is it possible to change that to a table for five? We had some more friends join us.”

“Of course.”

They were given a large round table near the corner of the upstairs “game” room, which suited them just fine. It was easier to relax and have a drink, shoot some pool, and then walk back over to the table. Ellis was trying to forget the look in Cole’s eyes, but so far it wasn’t working. He sipped his Coke and listened to Rob and Sara talking across the table. Apparently she visited his church once.

“You play that drum thing, don’t you?” Sara asked. “Yeah!” Rob said, pleased as punch. “It’s called the cajón.”

“I knew I recognized you! You play well; I think it adds a lot to the worship service.”

“Thank you.”
“When were you in church?” asked Lori.

“September, I think,” answered Sara. “Remember? Darian asked if we’d like to join him so he wouldn’t feel weird going alone with Matt, but you ended up having to work and I went without you.”
“Oh yeah, I remember.”

Sara kept rambling. “I met Rob a few times at the house and I knew I recognized him but the setting threw me. I didn’t expect to see someone I knew at Darian’s boyfriend’s church. It was odd.” Ellis could see similarities between his sister and Cole. Cole would probably like her. Cole—everything comes back to Cole. Suddenly he wasn’t in the mood to eat dinner.

“Small world,” Rob commented. “Next time, come over and talk to me after the service.”

 

“I will, the next time I go,” Sara answered.

 

Russell added innocently, “I wonder if there’s any correlation between the Cajon and cojones?”

 

“Only you would think of that, Russ.” Rob said, shaking his head.

Ellis found the comment amusing, but his lips refused to smile. He was still thinking of Cole’s reaction when he hugged his sister. They’d never met, and she looked nothing like Ellis. He knew he’d successfully misled Cole. Ellis hated himself for it.

“Ellis, would you like to throw some darts with me?” Lori asked.

He shook off his unwanted thoughts and nodded. “Sure.” They walked across the floor to the dart area. No tables were in direct line of flight and only tables for two lined one wall so they would not stick out in the middle of the floor. As he picked the darts out of the board, it occurred to him who he was playing against. He turned to Lori. “Are you sure you want to play? I beat the crap out of you last time.”

Lori grinned. “I know I have a bad reputation for competitiveness and I don’t take losing well, but I promise not to hit you if you play fair.”

“Deal,” Ellis conceded, handing her the yellow darts. “You can go first.”

 

“Thanks.” Lori threw it and managed to hit the outside wedge of the target. “Wow, can you tell I haven’t played in a while?”

Ellis grinned and took a shot, hitting a double red. Normally each player threw three darts in one leg of the match, but he knew this was just for fun.

Lori aimed and hit the triple ring; she was more satisfied with that. “So, Ellis,” Lori asked, “what’s the story with that guy?” “What?” Ellis’s alarm carried over into the dart he threw. It stuck into the wood paneling beside the dartboard.

 

“That guy, the one with the glasses and goatee; the one who gave you the wounded expression when you hugged Sara.”

Ellis looked down. He’d been caught. How many other people would pick up on his behavior when the two of them were seen in public together? Ellis would never be able to walk free again. “I don’t know what you mean,” he lied.

“Ellis,” Lori said, reaching up and touching his arm. “I’m not an authority on male relationships, but my best friend, Darian, has been through enough therapy to clue me in on the subtleties that other people miss. That guy was jealous and hurt. And that’s coming from a lesbian who only saw his face for a second. He cares about you, doesn’t he?”

Ellis wasn’t ready to share his indiscretions, but from getting to know Lori over the years, he knew her to be compassionate and sincere. Plus, she was gay. If anyone would listen without judgment, it would be her. “I don’t know,” he answered halfheartedly, looking at his feet.

Lori threw another dart and hit the board near the center. “Your turn.”

Ellis looked at Lori. Her features were soft and comforting, telling Ellis with silent encouragement that he needn’t fear. He turned to the dartboard and took his shot. Just off the bull’s eye. “When did you know you were gay?”

Lori threw her last dart. “Um, I guess in middle school. It’s hard to say. It’s difficult to pinpoint a time because I’ve always been a friend to Sara. My romantic feelings developed over years. I’m not sure when it crossed over to sexual thoughts. Sara is four years younger than me, remember. I don’t think we started messing around until she was at least a junior in high school.” She walked over and retrieved the darts for another round. They weren’t playing, but throwing the darts gave them something to focus on besides the potential complexity of the conversation. “But being in a relationship with another woman never felt strange. It made me feel… complete.”

“Sounds great.” Ellis had to admit that was what he wanted. He wanted to spend each moment with Cole. “So… you two… you’re… intimate?” He didn’t know why he asked, but the words slipped out.

Lori laughed. “What?” Her eyes glinted. Ellis could tell she wasn’t offended, but at the same time she seemed shocked to hear the question.

“Sorry, that was totally out of line to ask. You’re dating my little sister, for Pete’s sake! Forget I said anything.” He turned to walk away, but felt Lori snag his arm. He stopped and looked at her. Lori’s mirth had disappeared and was replaced by empathy. Ellis felt compelled by the compassion exuding from her eyes to expose his heart for the first time. Something about Lori told him she could be trusted, and Ellis felt a wave of relief. Rob always had the gift of “sensing” people, and for the first time, Ellis knew exactly what he meant. In that moment, Ellis felt Lori’s deep concern for him. Plus, he needed to talk to someone or he’d die.

As if reading his mind, Lori led him over to a small side table to give them privacy. It was nowhere near their friends, and so far, no one else was playing darts or sharing a drink in this area. They were essentially alone. “I’ll listen,” Lori prompted respectfully, “if you want to talk.”

Ellis would have loved to sit for a while and bask in the presence of someone who truly cared. He could tell Lori did, even if they’d never shared deeply with each other before. But sitting for a long while to build up his courage to talk wasn’t an option. If he waited too long, someone would notice and walk over. He’d have to start soon! He only needed to be strong for thirty seconds and get it out. He took a deep breath and blurted, “How did you know that coming out wouldn’t ruin your life?”

“I didn’t,” Lori said. “But I knew I didn’t want to hide either. I liked girls. I liked Sara. Even if she was too young at the time to really explore her feelings, I still figured I’d never know if she liked me back if I hid who I was.”

“But didn’t you get ridiculed?” The thought frightened him.

“Yes. Girls can be really nasty, and they called me names for a long time. I even found used tampons shoved in my locker once but never found out who did it.”

“Holy shit! That’s disgusting.” Ellis could not imagine the male equivalent of that action. Shit in his mailbox, maybe? More reasons he didn’t want to think of himself as a homosexual.

Lori shrugged. “That’s life. Sometimes it’s not so fun, but you have to hold out for the good parts.”

 

“Which are?” Ellis held his breath, waiting for the answer he knew Lori would give.

“Love. Being loved, and loving someone in return is the greatest gift in the world.” Lori’s eyes moved from Ellis to the table across the room. “I think I’ve loved her since I was twelve.”

Ellis followed his gaze. He saw Sara slap Rob on his shoulder and throw her head back laughing. Whatever was going on at the table gave the impression they were all enjoying themselves. He was glad. He turned back to Lori when she continued speaking.

“Which sounds completely ridiculous, I know, but she was the one. She’s always been the one.”

“How do you know if it’s right? How do you know if you picked the right one?” It was purely a research question since he loved his sister and knew Lori was right for her.

“You don’t. Not really. I waited eight years to take a chance on love, and I was terrified. But life is about taking chances and having faith in something bigger than yourself. I love Sara, and my waiting paid off. She cherishes me and protects me and loves me with more devotion than I thought humanly possible.”
Ellis admitted, “I wish I had that.”

“Relationships are a two-way street, Ellis. One thing I know for certain is that you have to talk, you and cute guy with the glasses.”

Ellis felt his checks grow hot.

 

Lori continued. “My friend Darian…. You remember Darian, right?”

Ellis nodded. “The emo guy with the piercings and the nail polish? Of course I remember him.” He remembered Darian as the guy in high school who came out and always got picked on for it. He was a couple years older than Ellis so they’d never had classes together. “I think he was over a few times playing checkers with you guys, right? I asked if he wanted to knock around the soccer ball with me, and he wasn’t coordinated enough to kick it unless it was sitting still. Yeah, I remember Darian.”

“Good. Anyway, Darian’s been through a lot of shit lately. Because of everything he’s gone through, I’ve learned about the need for real communication. Not just grunting like you men are famous for.”

Ellis grinned. He knew exactly what she was talking about.

“Especially you! I know you don’t talk much. But my advice to you is to talk to this guy. If you care about him, tell him. Moments in life disappear faster than a flash. Don’t let him slip away without knowing how you feel.” Lori squeezed his hand and Ellis smiled again.

“Thanks.” All of what Lori said made sense, but Ellis still felt a niggle in the back of his mind telling him something nameless was wrong. “But… what if… I’m not gay?”

Lori started to grin but stopped, her mirth draining into sincerity. “Oh, you’re serious. Are you really asking my opinion?” Ellis felt stupid for even saying it, yet Lori came off so sympathetic. “I’m sorry. I only assumed you were gay because of the way he looked at you, especially considering you never dated girls. I never thought you might be undecided.” Lori touched his hand again.

Ellis considered her concern and the tender way she patted his hand. It certainly wasn’t flirtatious, but it was way more than casual. Lori was a beautiful girl, despite her protests to the contrary, and if Ellis really was straight, then wouldn’t her soft caresses stimulate him? Ellis had to admit he liked it. Lori’s touch was without pretense and it felt comforting. Lori’s presence was soothing. He was pretty sure any straight guy wouldn’t feel so relaxed. If she touched Russell like this, or—God forbid—Mike, Lori would be slapping them across the face right now for their testosterone-fueled advances.

He sighed. He knew he wasn’t straight. “So, how did he look at me?” Ellis hated the thought that they were that transparent, but gave in to Lori’s intuition.

“Like you betrayed him the moment your lips touched her face. He didn’t know Sara’s your sister.” She said it like a statement, not a question.

“You are too observant for our own good.”
Lori smiled. “Call it a gift.”

Ellis looked down at his hands where they were folded in front of him. Admitting the truth to yourself is the first step to healing, right? Given that to mull over, on top of the idea that he was so intensely attracted to Cole that, no matter how hard he tried, he could not stop thinking about him, Ellis had to conclude he was only trying to fool himself. He’d remained single throughout high school because the notion of dating girls seemed stupid. They were only friends. He’d never felt attracted, sexually, to a girl. Ever. They were nice to look at, and fun to talk to, like Lori, but the only time he’d ever been aroused was when he thought of boys. And now, after meeting Cole, he was experiencing intense desire on a whole other level. He wanted Cole. He needed Cole. The issue in his head couldn’t be his sexuality—there had to be another reason for his panic the morning after.

So where did that leave their relationship? He’d treated Cole like shit the past two weeks. They hardly saw one another. And now he’d kissed his sister in an attempt to lash out in anger and fear. What could he do now?

“Well, if I’m gay, then… do you think he’ll forgive me?” Ellis asked, even if it felt embarrassing to do so.

Lori smiled warmly. “I hope so. It’d be nice seeing you snuggled up to someone on Christmas. You’ve been single way too long!”

Ellis smiled and felt his face get hot. He knew he was blushing, but with Lori it didn’t matter. She was practically his sister-in-law. Her confidence and observations gave Ellis hope. Maybe somehow he could make it right and talk to Cole. He wanted to talk to Cole… if only he knew where to start. “Thanks.”

“Anytime.” Lori stood up and held out the darts. “One more round? For real this time?”

“Yeah.” Ellis stood up and threw a dart at the target. As they played, Ellis thought about what he could do to earn Cole’s favor back without talking. Explaining his previous reaction with words was too difficult, but maybe he could start with good deeds. Actions spoke louder than words, right? Ellis hoped so.