Chapter 3 By The Way, I’m Gay

IT ONLY took a day or so for the celebrations to noticeably calm down. Was I ever thankful! Ellis’s friends didn’t hang out as long or as often as I originally imagined. Apparently they had other places to be and other people to annoy.

Ellis himself turned out to be quite quiet on his own. And tidy so far. Not a sock or notebook, or an item of any sort of his, was displayed anywhere.

After his gang left that first day, he retired to his room and presumably unpacked. For several days following, I saw him briefly in the morning and then at night before bed. Either I made him nervous, or he didn’t like me. Or it could have been his initiation into Reid 101, where the motto is “if it isn’t snide or contemptuous, it isn’t worth the time to say it.” Let’s face it, calling him a hedonistic Viking wasn’t the greatest way to say “howdy” to the new roommate.

By Monday, I decided to be a fraction more affable than I tended to be, if only because classes started in a week and then, if our schedules conflicted, we might never see each other. Ellis was sitting on the couch reading instead of closed away in his room, so I approached on cat feet. He looked up.

“Hey,” I said with a tilt of my chin.

 

Ellis’s ice-blue eyes held my gaze a few seconds before he replied, “Hey.”

 

This is going well. “Um, can I get you a drink?”

 

He wrinkled his brow and shrugged. “Sure,” he said, as if he was unsure why we were talking about it in the first place.

He hates me! I know it. I walked to the fridge and opened it. In the door, I had Pepsi cans lined up. On the bottom shelf sat a sixpack of twenty-ounce Cokes—his. I pulled one bottle off the plastic carrying rings and walked back over to my indisposed roommate. There had to be a way to prove I wasn’t a total ass. I took a coaster out of the wooden box that sat under the coffee table and placed his bottle of soda within reach.

“There you go.” I bobbed my head, searching for something else to say.
Ellis, who slouched in one corner of the couch, book in his lap, eyeballed me. “Do you want something?”

He sounded defensive. Why was he being defensive? I hadn’t said anything regrettable in days. “No, not especially.” I continued to stand there, arms crossed over my chest, slightly rocking onto my heels. Dum dee dum.

“You want to sit?”

I jumped at his offer. “As long as you don’t mind.” I plopped down at the other end of the sofa.
Ellis straightened up and reached over for his bottle of Coke. After taking a swig, he set it back on the coffee table—next to the coaster.

I let it sit there for a full minute before I felt the need to correct the situation. “Um… I…. How do I say this?” I was tugging hard to restrain my OCD, but every second the bottle sat there and sweat built up on its exterior was a second closer to having a ring on my table. “Could you just….” I pointed in the direction of the bottle and hoped he would catch my drift without me spelling out my issues with glasses—or in this case, bottles—resting on the table’s surface.

I saw Ellis’s eyes shift over to where I was pointing before coming back to look at me. “What?” he asked.

“Could you just…,” I stammered, trying hard not to offend him. I leaned forward, almost righting the error myself. “It’s just that I don’t want a ring to….”

Ellis reached out and placed the bottle where it belonged just before I touched it. “I got it.” He looked back at me with a smirk on his face.

I didn’t like his smirk. “Is my pain enjoyable to you?” I asked indignantly.

 

“Pain? That’s a bit of an exaggeration, don’t you think?”

“I—” I cut myself off and swallowed a retort, probably for the first time in my life. It was hard to argue with his adorable face. That damn smirk—the one I hated a second ago—lit up his features in the most wonderful way! “You’re right.”

Ellis gave me another look, one hard to decipher, and went back to reading his book.

 

“You’re going to read, then?” That was about the stupidest question I’d ever asked.

“Uh, yeah, unless you have a problem with that. This is required reading for this semester, and I tend to read slow. I need this head start.”

“Ahh.” I nodded. His desire to do anything but talk to me came across loud and clear. I stood up, gesturing to my room by pointing my thumb over my shoulder as I stepped backward. “I’ll just… head to my room, I guess. Don’t mean to bother you.”

I left Ellis to his reading.

In my room, all I could think about was the guy in my living room. It was bad news to dwell on his blue eyes, and I knew it. Jon had great eyes, no doubt, but they were a dark hazel. I favored blue. It wasn’t exactly a manly trait to have a thing for eyes, but I did. Eyes and feet. I know that sounds corny, but it was a little personal quest I had going on to prove one way or another if a guy’s foot size had any correlation to the size of other body parts. With only a few specimens to compare, the verdict was still unconfirmed. I also had a thing for chest hair but that was mainly because I lacked my own.

Ellis’s eyes also did something to my stomach I wasn’t accustomed to. They made me queasy. And not in a sick I’m-gonnapuke way, either. From day one I knew I needed to be extra careful around him.

Normally, I waited until I was clear on a person’s stand on gay rights before I burst forth with the truth. Not that I was hiding my homosexuality. That’d be stupid, because I was out to the general public, but I liked to know if my stand was going to make things difficult. For instance, I would never wear a gay pride T-shirt to the Young Republicans Club. Not unless I wanted to be pounded senseless or harassed to no end. I was nonconfrontational at heart, my biting comments aside, and I avoided arguments if I could. I realize this is a conflict of character traits, but what can I say? I’m a complex guy.

Ellis had just moved in! I wasn’t going to hit him with, “by the way, I’m gay” until the time seemed right. For all I knew, he could be fine with it. Jonathan had been. Jonathan and I had a great relationship, and never once did my sexuality get in the way. He even teased me on occasion by strutting his stuff around the apartment, and he didn’t get offended when I grabbed his ass in reply. It was all good clean fun. We had drinks together on many occasions, and he wasn’t bothered when I wore my “Even My Protons Have Pride” T-shirt. (“Pride” printed in rainbow colors, of course.) He’d laughed.

How would Ellis react? I didn’t know.
What I did know was that fantasizing about him was going to get me in trouble. I shouldn’t do it. We were roommates. If he knew I was in my room holding a staff meeting over the intensity of his eyes, he’d probably move out. If he moved out, Stan might assign

someone horrible to my apartment. I didn’t want horrible. I wanted comfortable, even if I was uncomfortably turned on being around him.

Still, against my better judgment, I couldn’t help touching myself. “Just once,” I rationalized as I cupped my junk.
I closed my eyes and imagined exuberant aggression on his part. He might possibly be a gentle lover, but for this fantasy he was going to be rough. With only a small pause to grab the lube from my nightstand drawer, I was back to visualizing his smirky smile descending around me. He would play with my testicles with one hand while he gripped my cock with the other to hold it steady. Ellis would loop his tongue, serpentine, around my shaft as he gripped my length with his lips.

“Oh God,” I moaned softly.

 

His eyes would close as he melted into the enjoyment of the act.

 

“Ellis,” I whispered, pretending to watch him suck the very marrow from my bones as the friction coaxed me closer to the end.

I bit my lip as I came, hoping I hadn’t made too much noise. And as I lay there waiting for my heart rate to slow down, I heard his bedroom door close. I hope he didn’t hear me.

I SLEPT peacefully, and in the morning I walked out of my bedroom wondering if today was the day we might actually have a meaningful conversation. As I stepped into the kitchen, my stomach seized and my heart palpitated. I audibly choked and Ellis looked up. He was on the floor of the kitchen with paper towels in hand.

“I dropped the milk carton.”

Logically, I’d figured that one out since milk was everywhere; my brain instantly spewed forth statistics on bacterial growth and dairy products. “My floor!” I cried, dashing to the broom closet.

“I’m wiping it up,” Ellis assured me.

I took out my Lysol disinfecting cleaner and rubber gloves. “I’m sure you’re doing a grand job, but I’m mopping the floor when you’re done, to remove the microbes.”

“It’s just a spill.”

 

“But milk sours quickly and gets sticky when not cleaned up thoroughly. I don’t want a contaminated cooking environment.”

I noticed Ellis’s incredulous look. “Fine. You clean it up.” He dumped the wet paper towels into the trash can and left the kitchen.
Whatever. If he didn’t appreciate my attention to detail, then it was easier for me to take care of it myself. I filled the mop bucket with the hottest water possible and then reshined my floor. Perfect. I nodded in approval.
I heard the front door close, signifying Ellis’s exit. I hung my head; this friendship wasn’t going anywhere.

LATER on, Ellis reappeared—sweaty and out of breath.

“Out for a jog?”
He nodded.

Subconsciously I expected a snide remark about my intelligence or ability to state the obvious, because so far it was reaching stellar levels! No such comment came. Instead he disappeared into the bathroom and I heard the shower turn on.

I was in the kitchen, making myself a mug of tea, when he entered the room soaking wet, towel around his waist. My heart stopped—strike that, my heart accelerated to keep up with the sudden rush of blood to my groin. (Hello? Visual creature here!)

Ellis took a glass out of the cabinet and looked at me. “Are you okay?” He stared. “What did I do this time?” He put his glass under the faucet.

I gulped as I let my eyes slide down his chest, over his abdomen (resisting the towel-covered area) to rest at his feet. “Yyou’re… d-dripping water all over the floor.”

He let out a huff of air and shook his head. “You’re really a piece of work, aren’t you?” He drank his glass of water, and I stared as his Adam’s apple moved up and down, water droplets still clinging to his skin from the shower. His collar-length hair was sticking to his neck as he tilted back his head. He placed the empty glass in the sink. “If you don’t want me here, just say so. I’ve never met anyone as anal as you!”

(Pun not intended? If he only knew.)

 

He strutted back to his room and shut the door none too quietly.

I nearly collapsed but caught myself on the counter until my legs stopped wobbling. His eyes were no longer an issue; now it was that gorgeous body! Good Lord, he was ripped. Not to mention the bear-starter-kit amount of hair covering his pecs. It made my mouth water with a deep need to lick his nipples. No way was I going to keep from picturing him as I whacked my whistle. Ellis was the physical equivalent of every dream guy I’d ever imagined, and more. And if he packed more than your average Joe, then hurray for me!

Only…. We weren’t exactly friends, so amping this nonrelationship up to lover status was far from likely. I seriously had no idea how to cohabitate with Ellis without my sexuality causing problems. I’d never felt such a strong sexual attraction to anyone before. This was going to be my biggest challenge yet.

THE afternoon dragged on, night came, and the next morning held no more clues than the day before. I didn’t know if he hated me or not, and he showed no signs of wanting to do anything together. Talking was out; silence in separate corners of the apartment was in—that is, when he was home. Ellis seemed to disappear often. I was pretty certain he went jogging because he always returned sweaty, but how much could one guy run? There were only so many hours in the day.

I stepped out to the grocery store for some milk, bread, and toilet paper—no, there wasn’t a hurricane expected—and came back to find him on the living room couch. His blue eyes connected with mine briefly, and then I spotted the balls of paper on the floor. I almost had an anxiety attack as I juggled the bag in my arms. “What are you doing?” I shrieked. “Were you raised in a world without trash cans?”

“I….”

I know he started answering me, but I wasn’t listening as I hurried into the kitchen to set my stuff down. I returned quickly to pick up the papers and deposit them into the wastebasket I brought with me.

“I was going to do that, you know. I’m not a slob,” said Ellis.

I didn’t believe him. So far the evidence had proved my first impression of him being tidy was completely wrong. “Yeah, right.” I sneered. “And I can tell by the milk on the floor, and the puddles you leave walking through the house soaking wet, and the mud tracks you left on the carpet when it rained that morning you went out running.”

Ellis jumped off the couch, notebook in hand. “Which I cleaned off the carpet, thank you very much! Have you always been a jerk, or are you notching it up just for me?” He stormed out the front door and left me speculating whether he’d return.

I HAD just opened my bathroom reader, searching for something interesting to occupy my time, when I heard the phone ring.

“Shit,” I grumbled. “Fucking Murphy’s Law!” It never fails: every time I get settled to take a dump, someone calls. Why? It wasn’t like I was doing all that much with the rest of my time during the day. It was only when my bodily functions decided to function that the outside world’s sixth sense kicked in. On the second ring, it stopped. Hmm, maybe it was a wrong number? I had the answering machine set on five rings.

I took my time and finished up as nature allowed. When I opened the door, I heard talking. Ellis. Ellis was talking on the phone. Why this bothered me, I’m not sure, but I found myself listening in. I closed the door to all but a crack. He hadn’t received a call at my house before, so I just assumed he took his calls on his cell. Or texted, like 99 percent of the student population.

He was laughing. I unwittingly grinned as the sound tickled my ears. He had a pleasant laugh that made my skin tingle.

“Oh yeah? I find that hard to believe,” he said with voice so relaxed that it washed over me like sipping chamomile tea. It felt warm and nice, really nice. Who knew I could be visually and audibly stimulated? I leaned closer, yearning for more. “No. … He is! … Oh, completely. … Okay. I will. I won’t forget. Hold on….” He turned in my direction, and I pulled my head away from the crack. “Hey, Cole! How long are you gonna be in there?”

Irked at his insistence, I opened the door and stepped into the room. “Some might find it rude to rush elimination since it can cause the formation of hemorrhoids.”

“Sorry. Jon wanted to talk to you while he had a second. He said he texted but you didn’t respond.”

 

I hurried to the phone. “You’re talking to Jonathan?” My shock and disapproval was not lost on him.

 

“Relax, he still has time to talk to you.”

“That’s not the point. You were talking to him? What’d he say?” I snatched the phone he extended to me. “What’d you say?” I demanded of Jonathan.

Jonathan snickered. “Nothing.”
“It doesn’t sound like nothing,” I growled.
“Don’t you trust me?”
The innocent tone. I hate his innocent tone. “No.”

“Come on, I didn’t give away all your secrets, Cole. Ellis is a nice guy; I simply gave him some needed advice.” His voice was all chirpy on the other end. He was way too happy! Almost like he sounded after Cathy gave him a blowjob. Happy and content. I wish someone would give me a blowjob.

“I wouldn’t know.” I glanced at Ellis and then vanished to my room and closed the door. Ellis didn’t need to hear my ranting. “I never talk to Ellis.”

“He said you’re impossible to live with.”

“What?” I shrieked. “Me? He’s the one who hangs out with barbarous hooligans and can’t seem to do anything without making a mess!”

“Cole.”
I waited. He didn’t say anything. “What?”

“Have you tried congeniality, or are you sticking to your usual porcupine approach?”

“You know I hate when you call me that.”
“It’s true. And you have more quills.”
“The average adult porcupine has over forty thousand quills.”

“Then you have two-hundred thousand. Look, stop pointing out all the negatives around Ellis and get to know him first.”

“I wouldn’t have to do this if you were still here.”
“Ahh, now I get it,” he said. I heard the light bulb above his head flick on. “You’re still mad that I left. Cole, I graduated. I moved in with Cathy. You’re going to graduate too, unless you stay on for your master’s. Life is about moving on, growing up, and finding your purpose. I have. It’s time you get over your fears and make other friends.”

“I don’t want other friends,” I said, pouting.
“Yes, you do.”
“No, I don’t.”

“You’ll like Ellis. I can tell. I knew Stan would find you just the right guy to live with.”

“Stan? What does he have to do with Ellis?” It freaked me out a little to think there was a conspiracy going on without my knowledge or consent.

“Relax, Cole. I paid Stan fifty bucks to scout out the prospects and assign a roommate that wouldn’t drive you crazy.”

 

“Um, did you not hear the part about him being a slob?”

“Look, I have to go.” I could hear in his voice he was making excuses. “I want you to promise me you’ll take the time to get to know Ellis.”

“What do you know?” I grew suspicious of his previous conversation.

“Nothing,” he assured me. “We only talked for fifteen minutes. All I’m saying is that he seems like a great guy. It’s only until June. Give him a chance. Be nice, and maybe you won’t mind so much that I’m gone.”

“I doubt it.” Now I was sulking. Stupid Jonathan and his stupid logic.

“Go charge your phone and text me later. Good-bye, Cole.” “Bye.”

I sat on my bed and stared at the phone as he hung up. Then I glanced at my cell and it was dead, just as he indicated. He always knew when I didn’t text back my battery was dead. I plugged my cell into the charger and pondered over what they talked about. Me? The college? Ellis’s major? And I can’t believe that Stan was in on it! Did Ellis know?

I had to know what they’d been talking about!

I stomped back into the living room and found Ellis messing with my television. He had a box of sorts, like a DVD player but not, and cables running everywhere. I sat on the couch after setting the cordless phone in its cradle. “What did he say to you?” I asked directly.

Ellis kept up his tinkering. “Nothing.”

 

Okay, that word was grating on me now. “I doubt it was nothing.”

 

Ellis stopped long enough to peer at me from behind the fortytwo-inch screen. “Jon gave me some insight into our… situation.” “Which is?”

Ellis plugged something in and the screen lit up. “Xbox Live” something, something. He then stepped back around the television and picked up a controller. “For one thing, our living together.”

“And that’s a problem… how?” I genuinely wanted to know his take on things.

“Jon said not to take you so literally. He said you exaggerate, which I already figured out. He also said you view this place as yours, and I shouldn’t hesitate to make it ours.” Ellis sat on the couch next to me and pointed to the TV. “Which is why I hooked up my Xbox without asking your permission.”

“Jon told you…. But I…. You hooked up…,” I sputtered.

Ellis turned his smirk my way. He had a devious twinkle in his eye that made my insides flutter. “This is our place, Cole. It’s campus housing; you don’t own it. You have every option to move out, same as me. But I think we can make it work. How ’bout it?”

I gaped. I couldn’t believe my ears. He was all assertive and direct and insinuating ultimatums. Live with him or move out; that’s what I heard. “But I….”

Ellis reached over and patted my knee. “Relax. I’m not hard to live with. Yes, I spill things—sometimes—but my mom taught me early on how to clean up after myself. I like to party, but I also want to keep my four-point-oh. True, I can be loud, but most of the time I’m reading or writing papers.” He relaxed into the cushions. “I love my friends, but I purposely didn’t want to room with them in the dorms because they’re too wild. I need quiet to study. I’d seriously like to be an English professor one day, and maybe coach soccer on the side. I’m down to earth, and I don’t expect much from you other than a chance.”

This was the most I’d heard him say at one time since he moved in. What the fuck was I supposed to do with that? It was the kindest argument against my pessimistic tendencies I’d ever heard. I couldn’t argue. He was 100 percent correct. “Fine.” I sighed.

Ellis chuckled. “Fine. Play against me?” he asked, handing me a controller.

“I’ve never played.”
“What? No way!”
“I live under a rock, what can I tell you?”

“Try anyway, it’s easy. The game is FIFA. It’s a soccer game. I got it last year for Christmas from my sister.”

 

I looked at the controller and pushed some of the buttons. “I like your shirt, by the way.” He looked at me again and grinned.

I was really beginning to get used to how nice that grin made me feel. Of course I was attracted to him, but the more he talked and the more he smiled, the more I simply enjoyed being near him. Jon was right—he did seem nice. I looked down at my shirt. I was wearing the T-shirt that read “Particle Physics Gives Me A Hadron.” I smirked and said, “Thanks. I forget which one I’m wearing sometimes.”

“I also liked the one you wore yesterday: ‘If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the precipitate.’ I had to look that one up to understand it.” Ellis stood up. “I’m gonna make popcorn. You sit here and fiddle with that until you get how each button moves the player.” He took a step and then hesitated. “I’m not going to spill anything. And I’m not going to let anything explode in the microwave.” He held out his palm. “Chill.”

He made me nervous, but I had to say I liked his assertiveness. Maybe this would turn out to be fun after all?

TWO weeks went by and we sank into a very nice routine. Classes started, and we agreed that I wouldn’t rag on him for making a mess now and again, and he wouldn’t get huffy when I pressed him to allow me to clean things up. Whatever Jon said to him that night had produced a one-eighty in the way he spoke to me. I couldn’t deny I liked it. He was open and honest, and I appreciated that. There was only one “juice incident” that invoked my wrath, but after I calmed down, we both agreed never to speak of it again.

His friends came by a couple of times to play Xbox, and he seemed to dribble that soccer ball nonstop when they were here, but for the most part Ellis quietly read, as promised. He was very serious about studying, and I think it made it that much easier for me to study as well.

One evening, while trying to make dinner for the two of us, a lightbulb popped in the kitchen. It wasn’t dark, but having one bulb instead of two made everything dingy-looking. I needed full light! I grabbed a bulb from the broom closet and set my small stepladder under the light fixture. Just then, Ellis strolled in.

“Hey, what’s up?”
“Bulb burned out.”
“I’ll do it for you,” he offered, holding out his hand. I gave him the fresh bulb and watched as he stepped onto the

ladder. He stood on the topmost step, which meant his butt was very close to my face. I stepped back and removed my glasses to distract myself. I figured wiping the lenses was much safer than lusting after Ellis’s fine physique. It had been a while since I’d found myself tingling in all the wrong places. Over the past couple of weeks, I’d learned to suppress my desires and think of him purely as a friend. It had worked well… until now.

The kitchen got brighter, and his movement caught my attention. Just as our eyes locked, his socked feet slipped, and he stumbled off the ladder in my direction, slamming into me and crushing me against the stove. He stopped his momentum by planting both hands on either side of my body, but not fast enough to keep from smashing up against me. Heated stares and meshing body parts made every inch of my nervous system aware of Ellis’s presence. I swallowed hard and Ellis swiftly pulled away, dashing from the room. I put my glasses back on and reached out in his wake, but it was no use.

“Crap!” I cursed my luck, or lack thereof. If ever I was going to break it to him that I was gay, feeling my erection through my jeans with his groin wasn’t on the David Letterman Top Ten.

I knew he could feel me—he had to! I lost the fight with my hormones the instant he got up on the ladder. I couldn’t help it. Now he’d fled, and I had no chance to explain myself, nor could I pretend “friendship” was all I had in mind. “Fuck!” I cursed again. I looked down. “See what trouble you get me into!” I wagged my finger at the one part of me that was far from innocent, and yet had no choice in the matter on most occasions. “Argh,” I huffed, and I gave up.

I trudged into the living room, not expecting to find Ellis sitting on the couch. Good! He didn’t leave. But now what should I do? Explain?

He wasn’t looking at me when I sat down, but he also didn’t bolt. Should I not sit so close? What if he’s pissed? He might punch me. What if he’s freaked? He might throw up on me. I was suddenly glad he was looking the other way because it would be easier talking to the back of his head. I had to try.

“Ellis, we need to talk.” I hoped stating the obvious would alleviate tension instead of sounding stupid. “I’m gay.” I paused, letting him take in the blunt truth. “I know that’s something I should’ve told you when you moved in, but frankly, I didn’t think it mattered. I’ve never had a problem before. I’ve lived with guys for years, and my sexuality never came into play. Jonathan never cared. I’ve had friends that were straight and friends that were gay. It’s not like I have a huge secret or anything; I’ve been out since high school, and not telling you was an oversight.”

I ramble when I’m nervous, so rambling now came easy. “I bet you and your buddies don’t introduce yourselves by saying, ‘Hi, my name is Ellis. I’m straight.’ I know that sounds ridiculous but it’s how I feel sometimes. I never think to say, ‘Hi, I’m Cole, and I like guys.’ It’s weird.” I seriously wanted to touch his knee so he’d bring his attention to my face and not the wall. I needed to know he was listening. “I’m only telling you now because I think that you might have felt… well… that I was….” I exhaled loudly in exasperation. “Ahh! Why is this so difficult to say to you?” I really just needed to rip off the bandage in one quick motion. “Ellis, I got an erection looking at your ass.” There, I said it. “I’m sorry if that freaks you out. I’ll try harder to control myself next time, only, please, don’t move out. I really like having you as a friend. Very few people put up with my shit like you do. Forgive me?” I couldn’t believe I was practically begging, but I couldn’t stop myself. “Please.” I was starting to really care for him, not just lust over his body, and here I’d messed things up by allowing my carnal thoughts to linger. I knew it wasn’t safe!

I waited, but he didn’t speak. I could hear him breathing, but that made me think he was really freaked out and maybe my little chat should have waited until he’d had time to calm down first.

Just when I thought I’d made a mistake by telling him the whole truth and nothing but the truth, Ellis turned sharply and firmly affixed his mouth to mine. One hand appeared at the back of my neck, holding it fast as he pressed me against the cushion, and I felt his other hand sliding up my inner thigh.

Holy shit!

His lips were soft as he kissed me repeatedly, coaxing sweet sighs from my throat and unexpected flip-flops in my stomach. Automatically, I reached up and held his sides gently, touching his solid body but not doing anything rash enough to break the spell we were under. My head was spinning. Ellis’s kisses melted my insides, and the feel of his body up against mine made me hot and jittery all at the same time. It was a feeling I hadn’t experienced before. I heard a soft moan come from deep within his throat as I parted my lips and flicked my tongue out, attempting to coax him into deepening our kiss. I’d never wanted someone so bad in my life.

Without warning, he pulled away and left. No sooner had I opened my eyes than I saw his bedroom door close and heard the lock click.

I shook my head and wondered out loud, “What the hell just happened?”