Chapter 15 Hate Crimes

I SOBBED against Ellis’s chest, unable to pull myself away from the fragment of security I found there. I heard Russell rebuking Mike for his actions, but I was too upset to look up. It was Mike… Mike…. Someone I knew…. One of Ellis’s friends…. He trashed my car because I’m gay…. Because Ellis is gay.

For some reason, high school memories painfully flooded my mind. Josh Green, punching me and calling me faggot. Jeremy Sterner spray-painting my locker with the same cutting words. And Brad Foley, the most hurtful part of it all; he stopped talking to me. Brad was my friend before he knew. Brad had treated me compassionately on the baseball team and in the hallways at school up until that day in the locker room. That day was the day I lost my dignity and the day I lost all my friends.

I blamed it on my lack of self-control, but that wasn’t it. I tried to blame myself and thought I could outwit people’s hatred if I just suppressed my emotions and precluded judgment by never letting anyone in. If I never made friends, if I built strong walls, if nothing mattered, then their hatred over my choices, and my sexuality, wouldn’t matter. I could keep myself safe and someone like Josh could never harm me again.

I was so wrong. I should have never allowed myself to feel.

I backed out of Ellis’s arms when the blunt truth of my stupidity sucked me dry of my last drop of faith. The world was a horrible place. Why did I even bother going on?

“Cole, I’m sorry.” Russell offered a feeble apology, which wormed its way into my fried synapses and sparked enough brain activity to cause me to look up at him. “I called the cops as soon as I figured out what he was up to. I didn’t know he’d try to physically hurt you guys. I’m really sorry.”

I shrugged and hung my head again. I guess I knew he was trying to be sincere because I didn’t say something cynical in return. Russell’s apology was ridiculous, anyway. He didn’t do anything. Mike did! There was nothing Russell could have done to stop Mike, and I guess a part of my brain was mulling over my thankfulness for his quick thinking. He had the presence of mind to call the cops and keep Mike talking until they got here. I guess I should be thanking him.

“Let’s go inside, Cole,” Ellis urged, waving his crutch in the direction of our apartment. When I didn’t move, he nudged me.

What else was there to do? Breakfast was out because I certainly didn’t feel like eating. I’d been humiliated for my personal choices and it felt abysmal. I numbly followed Russell and Ellis up the steps. Ellis limped. Shouldn’t I care?

On some level, I knew people were that cruel, but until now I hadn’t experienced it firsthand since high school. I’d been out for a few years. I wore gay pride T-shirts, and I’d walked in pride rallies in nearby towns and stuff. And on one rare occasion, I even joined in an open debate on campus with gay-rights supporters and their opposition! But never had someone acted out in a hateful retaliation of my position or theirs. This campus had been a peaceful combination of both, and I had started to believe I could be gay and live a normal life like everyone else. How naive of me to be so trusting of the human race.

Being the recipient of a hate crime sucked! And this was small in the greater scheme of things. Some people get bashed for their personal choices. Some die. I should be happy all he did was total my car and shove me to the ground, but nothing could make me feel good about it. It was terrible, and the worst part was that I thought he was my friend. My boyfriend’s friend totaled my car! What an asshole. I wanted to punch his lights out.

As soon as I walked through the door, I began to cry. I stood there in the middle of the floor, holding myself around the middle with one arm and covering my eyes with my other hand. This was so ridiculous and awful and mind-boggling that I couldn’t control my emotions. I felt so alone in my misery. That is, until Ellis touched my shoulder and I jumped away in response.

“Don’t touch me!” I screamed, lashing out at his consolation. “This would never have happened if your homophobic, hatemonger friend hadn’t taken out his anger for you on my car! It’s all your fault.” I said it and I regretted it immediately, but I wasn’t going to retract it. My pride was hurt and it was too easy to take it out on Ellis. I couldn’t control myself so I kept yelling. “I should never have gotten involved with you and your friends. I knew this was going to happen! Nothing good ever happens to me. Nothing!”

Ellis didn’t say anything. He hobbled over to the couch and sat down, propped up his bad leg, and examined the bruise on his other.

I kept ranting in my sarcasm since he wasn’t rebuking me. “It had to happen to me. You don’t have a car so naturally they would total mine! The universe hates me!”

“Are you blaming me?” he asked calmly.
“Yes!”
“Cole, you—” Russell started shouting back.

When he didn’t continue what I suspected was a rebuke of my harsh treatment of Ellis, I glanced over at them. Ellis was shaking his head and Russell was holding his hands out to either side, giving him a weird look. “No, Ellis, let him continue,” I snapped. “I’d like to hear what he has to say. So Russ, tell me what you think of our relationship? I didn’t see you jumping to our defense yesterday when Mike was being an ass. So why today?”

Russell looked stung by my words, but to his credit he didn’t let me dissuade him from responding. “I’m sorry, Cole. I admit I’m not perfect. I was shocked when I saw you kissing. What can I say? I didn’t know Ellis was gay, and it threw me. I’ve wondered about you for a while, but it’s rude to ask a guy personal questions like that. But then Mike…. What Mike did was wrong. He might disagree with your relationship, but nobody should be allowed to destroy your stuff because of it. You’re a person, just like me. You have rights. I don’t see you interfering in Mike’s personal life.”

I was listening but a response wouldn’t form when I was still too hurt to think.

 

“If he’s mad at me, then why did he take it out on Cole?” Ellis asked.

“I don’t know,” said Russell, shrugging. “He said it would hurt you emotionally because it was against Cole. And something about you being an idiot for selling your car. He’s an asshole.”

“True. Can you get me some ice?” Ellis asked calmly. Russell nodded. “Yeah, sure.” He headed into the kitchen.

“Cole! I saw your car,” Rob exclaimed frantically as he burst through the door. Sometimes I wondered why we even closed it. “Dude, that seriously sucks. I can’t believe Mike would do that! What a douche.” He walked over and attempted to put his arm around me. I dodged his sympathy and chose to stew in self-pity by hugging myself with both arms, tightly around my ribs. He apparently noticed my scowl because I heard him say, “I see he’s taking this well.”

“You got my text,” Russell said, walking back in with some ice in a plastic baggie. (He was fast.)

Rob turned away from me and looked over at Russell. “Yeah. I was on my way over anyway when I heard sirens. I’m glad Cole didn’t get hurt.” He must have noticed the bag of ice because he quickly asked, “What happened to you?”

“Mike kicked me,” Ellis explained, holding the ice to his wounded shin.

 

“What? Why? What changed?” he asked, bewildered. “Why now does Mike go psycho?”

 

“He saw me kissing Cole yesterday. He didn’t like it.”

“Oh. I see. Still… trashing Cole’s car? I knew he had a criminal mind, but this is way too far. I hope he gets what he deserves this time.”

Russell pointed to Ellis and then to me and asked, “How long have you known about the two of them, Rob?”

 

“Officially or unofficially?” Rob asked sheepishly.

I was oddly curious how this conversation would play out. I was feeling sorry for myself, and now I was feeling slightly bad for Rob. He’d been great at accepting our relationship. Would he get criticized for it now? I could only take so much.

Russell narrowed his eyes. “Officially.”
I saw Rob’s Adam’s apple bob. “Um, a week, I guess.”

Russell’s mouth hung open and he took a step in Rob’s direction. “And unofficially?”

 

Rob whispered, like a mouse, “Maybe… eight.”

“Eight weeks!” Russell shrieked, jumping at him. Russell got in Rob’s face but didn’t grab his lapels like I anticipated he would from his tone. “How could you know about Ellis and not tell me?”

“I wanted to wait until I knew for sure. I was going to tell you. I was!” Rob desperately explained. “I waited because I thought you’d freak about it.”

“I…,” Russell started but then stopped with his mouth hanging open. (If he kept doing that, flies would take up residence.) He shut it and then plopped down next to Ellis. “Sometimes it frightens me how well he knows me.”

“Are you freaked?” Ellis asked.

Russell nodded. Then paused. Then shook his head. “No, I guess not. Not anymore. Seeing you kiss Cole was a shock, and a little gross, but after I saw what Mike did, I felt more defensive of you than anything. You’re my friend, Ellis.” He held out his fist and Ellis bumped knuckles with it. “What you and Cole do together is your business. I’m not going to disown you because of it.”

Witnessing their little reconciliation was sweet, but it left me standing on the sidelines and longing for some attention. I was the one who was attacked, wasn’t I? “Hey, what about me?” I pouted. “It was my car, you know. Mike destroyed my property, not his.”

Rob responded on cue. “Aww, is someone feeling left out?” Rob made a sad face that made me regret saying anything. He stepped closer. “Does someone need a hug?”

“No,” I frowned, stepping backward.

 

Rob advanced. “I think you do.”

 

“No, I don’t,” I insisted, but Rob’s fervor for compassion kept him coming. I backed up into the wall and had nowhere to go.

“Come here, you big lug.” In seconds, he scooped me up into his arms and crushed me to his chest. “You know we love you, Cole. Your gayness makes no difference.”

“Nope,” Russell agreed, hopping off the couch and then joining Rob in the hug.

“But I’ve been out for years!” I protested, squirming in their loving embrace. “Ellis! Help! Tell them!” No matter which way I moved, I couldn’t break free.

Ellis observed from his seat on the sofa. He coolly commented, “No, I think you’ve got it all under control.”

His smug response from such a comfy position nagged me. “This should be your support group, not mine! Get them off me, Ellis! Rob, stop!” I hissed and thrashed, yet their hug only tightened around me. “Ellis!”

An earthquake rumbled in Rob’s chest and he finally released me, collapsing on the floor in an uncontrollable guffaw. “You are so easy, Cole.” He laughed, rolling around.

“You seriously are!” Russell agreed, laughing through tears, bent over, supporting his body with his hands on his knees.

I stomped over to Ellis and demanded, “Are you gonna to just sit there, or are you going to do something about your friends?” Again with the damn, bemused expression!

“They’re your friends too, Cole,” he said matter-of-factly. “Which is the whole point,” Rob added. He made his way off the floor and over to my side, placing an arm across my shoulders.

“What?” I squawked. “Did I miss something here?” Because I felt like I’d missed reading a chapter on my own life. What happened that I didn’t know about? I shoved Rob away and collapsed on the couch next to Ellis. They were cracking my defenses, and suddenly, standing across the room alone felt cold. I had to be near Ellis.

Rob and Russell took positions on either end of the coffee table. (Had I been thinking clearly, I would have commented on the maximum load sustainable on four three-by-three wooden legs, but I didn’t.)

“Jonathan told me about your lack of friends way back when I moved in.” Ellis filled in my question mark, and I gawked at him. “What? Why?”

He ignored my vexation, which irked me more, and continued to explain. “He and I also talked a couple days ago, because he was planning to surprise you over Christmas. He asked if I’d mind. When I said no, he asked how you were doing and that prompted an hour-long discussion of you and your background, your dating history, and yes, your lack of real friendships since about the fifth grade.”

“What?” I yelped again in a pitch that hurt even my own ears. “He had no right. First Jon pays Stan to find me a roommate— which, by the way, I hope you realize was Stan’s freaky way of playing matchmaker—and now this? Why does everyone think I’m a socially inept half-wit?”

No one spoke, for the first time in history. They looked to one another. Russell to Rob, Rob to Ellis, Ellis to me, and back on around. Rob broke the silence with, “Have you met you?”

“Okay, fine. I guess I set myself up for that, but I’m serious. Why do people feel the need to point out I have no friends?” I turned to Ellis and accused, “I told you this is your fault! You come in here with your big blue eyes and flip my world around! I was fine before all this happened; plus, I had a car!” I crossed my arms and looked away. All the personal attention was stirring me up. Either I was going to end up angrier than a nest of hornets, or the floodgates of emotion would pour forth for the third time in twenty minutes. I tried to thrust the anger out there in order to psych myself into thinking crying wasn’t necessary. It had to work!

Rob leaned closer and patted my knee. “Easy there, Mini-Me, no need to go postal on the guy with one leg.” He looked at the bag of ice sitting on Ellis’s good leg and corrected, “No legs.”

“Why not? Mike was his friend!” My rebuke, though valid, was harsher than it needed to be. I felt frost lacing the silence. It was obvious, even to me, that restating Mike’s betrayal was just plain wrong. I took a cleansing breath to calm my nerves. “I’m sorry.” I looked at Ellis, who seemed contemplative yet calm. “Can I just ask… how does talking to Jonathan have anything to do with accepting me for being gay? Shouldn’t you guys be smothering Ellis in supportive adoration? He’s the one that’s out now. Why is Russ all ‘We love you, Cole’ instead of ‘We accept you, Ellis’?”

“You’re the one who was attacked,” Rob answered. “And you, Cole Reid, are the one who can’t fathom the idea of anyone liking you for who you are. Ellis notwithstanding.”

“But….” I was shocked into confusion. I pointed to Ellis. “He….”

 

Russell spoke up. “We have an unspoken understanding with Ellis. He knows we’re good.”

Without even much eye contact between them, Russell held up a fist and Ellis bumped knuckles with him again. (The gesture was so home-boyish that I should have rolled my eyes in amusement.) These homeboys, however, were all fixated on me, for some reason. I didn’t like the attention. I wanted my safe house of anonymity back.

Russell went on, saying, “Besides, Rob and I break the best of them. We knew the day we met you, you wouldn’t be curmudgulous forever.”

I frowned. “That’s not even a word.”

 

Russell didn’t refute the fact. He shrugged, an amused smirk affixed to his face.

Then I felt Ellis put his fingers on my chin. He tenderly coaxed me to look at him and stroked my goatee, as he was fond of doing. Somehow the room faded away for a few seconds as his beautiful eyes held me still.

“I love you, Cole,” he said quietly. Ellis’s gentleness pricked a hole in my puffed-up irritation, and I felt his confidence tethering me to safety. I stopped fighting against the emotional torrent and gave myself over to it. Ellis stroked his thumb across my cheek and wiped away my tears. “You… are my boyfriend.” He spoke slowly and intentionally, as if to avoid any miscommunication. “For my friends… to jump to your defense… not only proves their loyalty, but their love. For me… and for you.”

“Basically,” Rob said, “I’ve been trying to convince him of that for weeks.” I heard Rob, but nothing really mattered in the moment except Ellis.

Ellis was smiling at me. “You’re not alone, L-D. You have friends. Good friends.”

 

“I’m afraid to ask what that stands for.”

He winked. “I’ll tell you later.” Ellis leaned forward, guiding me into a kiss with the hand that cupped my cheek. His lips were soft in their boldness. After a few seconds, I heard Rob pretending to gag.

“Eegack. Grungth. Mlah.” His unintelligible, made-up vocabulary almost made me laugh as Ellis kissed me. “Come on, Russ. I can’t watch this.”

I heard Rob move away as Ellis pulled me closer and held me behind my head, deepening his kiss. He snuck his tongue out to lick and tease me before fully engaging. I admit I was a little embarrassed that he was so bold in front of his friends. While he fingered my hair and stroked my neck with one hand, he squeezed my thigh with the other. Oh, that was daring! (I, on the other hand, had my hands on his cheeks. It was much more dignified in front of people.)

“I don’t know, Rob. It’s kind of fascinating,” Russell replied, still—from the proximity of his voice—sitting on the coffee table in front to us. “I mean, if Cole lost the goatee and grew his hair out, Ellis could be kissing a girl. It’s not that hard to visualize.”

Ellis withdrew his tongue and slowly turned to face Russell. “Cole. Is not. A girl.” He said each part with deliberate conviction. His eyes burned, and I felt his tension in the fingertips that gripped my thigh.

However, his anger was lost on Russell. “Oh, I know.” His voice was carefree. “I was just saying that it looks the same. Ellis could be kissing a girl or a guy; there isn’t any difference. His lips are still all smashed up against Cole’s. It only looks a little weird because of Cole’s facial hair. I can’t imagine kissing a girl with facial hair. Does it feel weird kissing a guy with facial hair?”

Ellis shook his head at the absurdity of the question. He no longer seemed angry, but amused at his friend. (Our friend.) “No, Russ, it doesn’t feel weird.” Ellis rubbed my chin and smiled at me. “I really like it.”

I looked down, knowing I’d blushed. He had a way of making me giddy.

Russell slapped his thighs and hopped up, apparently done with his educational observance. “Oh hey,” he said to Rob across the room, “that must mean that you are the only virgin left on campus!”

“Oh gosh! You did not just go there!” I heard Rob groan. Ellis and I both looked in his direction.

 

Russell pointed and taunted, “Virgin. Virgin.”

 

Rob walked up and got right in his face. “Don’t make me wipe that grin off your face!”

Russell wiggled his body, wound up with unspent energy. “What’ya gonna do? Virgin. Make me?” He put up his dukes and danced around Rob.

I had to give Rob credit; he held his cool for three whole seconds before he burst out laughing. “Okay, okay. I’m the last remaining virgin. Unless you’re going to film a blockbuster documentary about me, I don’t see how it matters. I’ll find the right person to kiss eventually; but just so we’re clear, I’m saving my body for matrimony.”

Russell got suddenly serious and stepped oddly close to him. “You could kiss me.”

 

Rob’s eyes bugged out. “What? Are you… no way!” “Gotcha!” Russell laughed, pointing at Rob and covering his open mouth.

 

Rob shoved at his chest and pushed past him, heading toward the door. “That’s not funny.”

 

“Oh yes, it is,” Ellis said.

Rob stopped in the open door. “Cole, I’ll be there to testify about your character if need be when Mike goes to trial. Ellis, you have my support and friendship. Cole, you too.” He looked across the room and his face lost all mirth. “Russ, I’m hurt and offended that you would poke fun at my relational status. You… are no longer my friend.” He pressed his hand to his chest, stood up straight, and very seriously turned his face away. Just before he closed the door behind him I heard a gasp of fake crying echo in the stairwell.

We all burst out laughing.

THE campus police came by to take statements, and the dean assured me that the school would officially handle any hate crimes committed on campus. That made me feel good. I didn’t relish the thought of asking my dad to help foot the bill for a lawyer. He would not be happy about my car, so I wanted to wait to tell him.

Mike Foster apparently had all kinds of propaganda in his dorm room. Besides lashing out at me and Ellis for being gay, and Mr. Flannery for marrying interracially, Mike had articles on antiJudaism, instituting height requirements for employment (I guess he hated short people?), and scrawlings about forcing the aged to live in segregated communities away from the “normal” populace. Mike was a sick puppy! I suppose you never know about a person and what they do in the privacy of their own room. That scared me.

Anyway, Mike was locked up, and it seemed there was sufficient evidence of psychosis to keep him that way. I breathed a little easier because of it.