Chapter 17 Home For The Holidays

HALLELUJAH—finals are over! I normally didn’t mind them. I liked studying because I found that challenging myself to get a better grade than the last one was incentive enough to push aside everything else in my life until all my tests were done. This time, good Lord, I couldn’t keep my mind on my studies at all.

Ellis’s presence was overwhelming and almost unbelievable. He seriously loves me. I, Cole Reid, had a boyfriend who loved me. I constantly wanted to pinch myself to make sure I wasn’t dreaming. I think I cried a few times in his arms for no reason at all, and instead of making fun of me, Ellis held me and kissed me and whispered, “I love you,” over and over which made me cry more. It was ridiculous, but I couldn’t seem to stop.

Every time he looked at me, I felt warm and cold and silly and scared, and all the laws of physics and thermodynamics that Newton and Einstein came up with couldn’t explain to me why the universe slowed down and time stood still, and why my heart skipped a beat. None of it made sense. Ellis loved me.

And the fucking tears wouldn’t shut off!

I couldn’t think of anything else while I packed Saturday afternoon. Ellis and I were going home in the morning, and we were avoiding a “talk” about when we’d see each other again. Christmas was next weekend. It’s typically my favorite holiday, but this year I’d have to spend it away from the only person I wanted to be with. I know his mom invited me over, but logistically we were still working through the relationship details. He wasn’t out yet to most of his family. (Apparently he had a large one. Cousins and aunts, etcetera.) I know the kind of rejection that can occur; I didn’t want Ellis to go through that. I told him I’d be patient and we’d see each other whenever it seemed reasonable. I wasn’t going to push.

So after cleaning the apartment together this morning, we each decided to pack, separately, in our individual rooms. I shoved my socks into my luggage and felt tears welling again. “Damn, fucking tears!” I dashed them away hastily, ashamed of my emotional display, although no one witnessed it but me. I could not believe what I’d become. It was his fault! Ellis did this to me!

The next thing I heard was a knock at the door.

“Shit!” I rubbed my face with both hands and walked out of my room. I met Ellis on the way out of his and ignored the impulse to dive into his arms. If I missed his embrace this much, and we’d only been out of each other’s sight for thirty minutes, then what the hell was I going to do when I went home and Ellis wasn’t there?

I suppressed my feelings for now. I had to. I pointed toward the door. “Russ?” I questioned casually, giving a logical explanation to the knock-knock-knocking at our door.

“No. Rob,” he replied blandly. His eyes looked tired and maybe pink. Had he been crying? Or was it my hopeful imagination?

“Rob has a key,” I pointed out.

 

Ellis shook his head and disagreed. “Rob walked in on us after the food fight.”

“Ah!” I nodded. “I guess if we are going to give out keys, we shouldn’t have sex anywhere but in the bedroom with the door closed.”

Ellis grinned. “Or we take back the keys.” His tired expression brightened a smidgen.

 

My mischievous mind shot an eyebrow up as I questioned him with my eyes.

 

Ellis gestured toward the couch with a tilt of his chin. “I’ve been thinking about fucking you over the back of that sofa.”

Butterflies erupted inside of me. I know I had a rule about sex on the couch, and even though we already broke it, I could see that I was somehow willing to break any rule he wanted with a mere mention of sex. Hell, I’d probably blow him in the middle of the dean’s office if he asked. I was so over-the-top gone for Ellis it scared me. “After whoever’s at the door leaves,” I responded with a wink.

It was easier to avoid sappy emotions by fixating on the carnal ones. I didn’t want to go home without Ellis, or for him to go home without me, but that was tomorrow. I didn’t have to think about tomorrow until tomorrow. Right now, there was a person at the door who needed to go away so Ellis could have me however he wanted, wherever he wanted, however long he wanted. “Tomorrow” was not on the to-do list today.

Ellis closed the gap between us hesitantly. “Maybe if we ignore the door, he’ll leave?” He was faking playful. I could see the slight mirth in his eyes wane. Seriousness hung in the air around us. He planted firm hands on my shoulders and gripped them tightly. I could feel his tension traveling through his fingertips, and I could see the desperation in his eyes. It was more than lust. It was more than desire. Maybe he was feeling the weight of the morning too?

“Ellis?” I tried to ask the question. I pleaded with my eyes. Didn’t he know I didn’t want to be away from him for a few minutes, let alone a few weeks?

He brought his mouth down hard on mine. He slammed into me. I felt his hands all over me—in my hair, grabbing my ass, up the back of my shirt. I clung to him as he kissed me wildly on my lips, down my neck, across my temple and eyes, and then back again. As soon as he lifted my shirt over my head, there was pounding at the door.

Ellis was maddened. “Fuck!”

 

“I guess our guest is in a hurry?” I deemed, gasping for air. (That was one heck of a kiss Mr. Knocksalot interrupted.)

Ellis snapped. “I wish people would just leave us alone!” I guess he noticed my shock at his indignation because his expression softened right away. “I’m sorry.” He caressed my arm and kissed my temple after I slipped my shirt back on. “I just don’t want to deal with anything right now.” He smiled a weak smile—faking it again. I’d seen that fakeness in his eyes enough to recognize it. He is thinking about tomorrow.

I followed him to the door and he opened it. The offending “guest” was Geoff.

“Am I late?” he asked, holding up a six-pack of beer. “Late for what?” Ellis asked, looking at me.

“The party. Rob said there’d be a party here at four. Seeing how it’s five o’clock, and quiet, I thought I missed the whole thing!” “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Ellis replied, baffled. “We aren’t throwing a party.”

“Yes, you are.” I heard Rob’s voice drift up the steps behind Geoff. He pushed past Geoff, Russell scurrying behind him, carrying beer and other assorted bagged goods.

It was no surprise to me that Rob would show up unannounced and that he’d bring Russell and even some beer. The surprise came when he started moving the furniture! “What’s going on?” I asked impatiently.

“It’s Christmas, there has to be a party!” he responded.

That was not an acceptable answer. Ellis didn’t think so either, as he sternly questioned Russell. “What are you doing? Why are you moving the coffee table? You know Cole likes it exactly where it is.”

Russell responded, “Chill, bro. We’ve got it all under control.”

Ellis was about to say something else, except more people poured through the open door, interrupting his train of thought. (I surmised this from his gaping mouth and gesticulating hands.)

Kevin from the soccer team walked in carrying folding chairs. Marcus Something, also from his team, stumbled in with an armload of bags. And several others followed them, toting party hats, beer, and oodles of chips and pretzels.

Ellis stormed over to Rob and grabbed his arm, demanding, “Rob! What is—” Loud music blared from a stereo system that had materialized with all the rest of the party essentials, cutting him off. “Why are all these people here?” he screamed, trying to be heard over the music.

I heard him, but that was only because I was clinging to his arm. I didn’t do crowds. (Did I mention that?) I liked quiet and peace, and small gatherings of friends who played canasta. I loathed parties where a mass of intoxicated underachievers gathered to challenge one another onto greater feats of brain-cell-frying action. Pointless, if you asked me!

The mix-master turned down the volume by two hundred decibels and called over, “Better?” Rob gave him a thumbs-up, and he went back to selecting which discordant noise fit the venue best. I’d seen movies that depicted the same type of dude. He was standing there with headphones on, moving to the beat, nodding in time with the beat-box percussion sound… why exactly? What was wrong with an iPod set on shuffle? And what were the headphones for? Ear protection? That was my guess, because I would certainly go deaf if this racket kept up much longer.

Geoff stepped in front of Ellis as he attempted to move in the direction of the music coordinator. “So I’m not late?” he yelled—the music still too loud to hold a conversation.

Ellis, again, had no chance to reply because Rob clapped him on the back and answered Geoff for him. “Nope, not late!” Geoff seemed overly jazzed about that.

Rob continued. “You’re right on time, man! I got the skinny on your reputation for procrastination. I knew you’d be late. I told you four so you’d show by five to help set up for the party at five thirty.”

I looked at my watch. “Five fifteen!” No, my hysterical screech did not give them pause. The conversation carried on as if my shortness of breath didn’t matter. I started hyperventilating, and Ellis was the only one who noticed. Even with his soothing hands on me, I could not move past the growing number of people in my apartment and the increasing probability of something getting broken. The likelihood that my once-clean living space would be trashed in less than fifteen minutes was 100 percent. When the ruckus began, how many of my personal effects would fall as collateral damage?

I started shaking and fled to the safety of my room.

“Why? Why would Rob do this?” I asked out loud. Somehow, hearing myself ask it, made the question ten times worse. Why indeed? He was just in my apartment after Mike attacked me, explaining how he was my friend. Obviously he didn’t know what the word meant! Friends didn’t throw parties in their friends’ apartments without asking!

My door opened and Ellis entered. He closed the door and walked over to me.

“What do you want?” I demanded.
“Do you have room in here for a hedonistic Viking?”

I was not amused. “That isn’t funny. None of this is funny! I can’t believe your stupid friends would do this to me!” I turned away from him and moved around to the other side of the bed.

“Hey, I don’t know what’s happening, but I’m sure Rob has a logical explanation.”

“I don’t care about logic!” The noise vibrating my walls was digging under my skin. It had to stop or I was going to have a nervous breakdown. “I can’t do this with all these people here!” I yelled it, but as soon as the words left my mouth, I began crying. Fucking tears! I covered my face.

Ellis immediately rushed to my side, soothing me with whispers and shushes and kisses on my cheeks and eyelids. He petted my face and ears and neck. The room began spinning, and all I could visualize was that scene from Latter Days after Aaron got back from the hospital and Chris was comforting him. Ellis wrapped me in his arms and held me tight.

“Everything will be okay, Cole. I promise.”

I pushed against his embrace. “How? How can things be okay? You told me they were my friends. You told me I could trust them and just be myself. You told me you loved me.”

“And I do,” he stressed. “I do love you. Whatever’s going on, I’ll figure it out and I’ll fix it. Okay? But you have to give me a chance. I’m not omniscient, and I can’t read minds. I have to wait until I can get Rob alone and get him to give me a straight answer. Okay?”

I had no other options—I had to nod.

 

Ellis hugged me until my nervous shaking subsided. Then he took my hand and led me back out into the commotion.

I was stunned how many bodies could occupy the same space. My apartment looked like a rave dance floor where the people had no room to move and danced by hopping, meshed up against one another. And, evidently, the dollar store had dropped by and vomited Christmas decorations on every square inch of wall, ceiling, and floor, as if to outdo Ellis’s slathering of salad dressing in the kitchen. In other words, my apartment had become my version of hell.

An odd calm settled over me then. Knowing I was dead—and in hell—gave me closure. I would endure it, but I wasn’t going to watch. I turned in to Ellis and buried my face in his neck.

“Isn’t this great?” I heard Rob yell enthusiastically. “What a terrific turnout! There are people on every floor, and the party extends outside onto the lawn. It’s awesome!”

Ellis held me tight. I think he knew I’d be upset hearing what Rob found so thrilling. “Can we talk?” he screamed over the noise. “Yeah, let me get Russ to join us in Cole’s room. Okay?” Rob hollered back.

 

“Okay. We’ll meet you in there in a few minutes.” “Okay.” Ellis nodded and took me back to the safety of my room.

 

I guess I should be thankful the partygoers had respected my bedroom. So far, I didn’t have strangers having sex on my bed. “Sit down,” Ellis instructed. “Try to stay calm. Rob will be here any minute to explain.”

I numbly sat. “Why does it matter?” I asked. “I’m dead, right? If I’m in hell, then I’m doomed to relive this nightmare over and over.”

Ellis was taken aback. “What? Cole, you’re not dead.” “I have to be. You wanted logic. Death is the only logical explanation.”

 

Ellis shook his head and sat next to me. He touched my face. “If this was hell, would I be here with you?”

“Logically?” I considered what he was suggesting. “I suppose not.” Ellis stripped away my secure delusion and left me with ambiguous ignorance. I started crying again.

“Shh, L-D. I gotcha.” Rewind and replay—Ellis was holding me again.

 

I questioned his absurd nickname. “You keep calling me that! What does it mean?”

 

He smirked. “Little dictator. Or little darlin’, but I kind of think it depends on your mood.”

 

“Shut up!” I smacked his chest.

“No, seriously. You’re both. And shortening it to L-D keeps you guessing.” Ellis smiled, pleased with his teasing at my expense. He easily trapped my swatting hands in his strong grip and forced me to stop moving. I was angry but could not remain so long. He was so devilishly superior that I could not stand my ground. I had to give in, submit, and trust his every word. He carried my soul in his.

I closed my eyes and he kissed me.

Rob and Russell joined us in the room as promised. Although why they had to do so in a timely manner eludes me. The one time I wanted Ellis to convince me how wrong I was, and Rob and Russell showed up. My lack of luck kept on coming!

“Hey,” Rob said.
“Hey,” Ellis said back.

Rob sat on the bed next to Ellis and Russell remained standing, hiding something behind his back.

 

“Will you please explain what’s going on? You know Cole’s head is about to implode.”

“Eww, that would be so messy,” Rob commented. “Reminds me of this episode of Red Dwarf where Lister gets a case of space mumps and his head explodes, splattering globs of yellow puss all over Rimmer. Classic, man. Truly classic.”

“Rob,” Ellis insisted.
“Oh, sorry, squirrel moment. Anyway, back to Cole’s party.” “It’s not my party!”

“Annywaay….” Rob kept a pleasant tone even though I yelled at him. I would never be that patient. Rob continued, “I was thinking about Cole’s recent incident of misfortune and came up with a plan. Being the season of giving and all, and wanting to spread the Christmas cheer before we all head home for the holidays, I decided to throw a party… for Cole.”

“I hate parties.”

Rob’s glee obviously did not catch on to the hint of disdain in my glare. He went on to chirp, “Actually, we’re throwing a kegger in honor of Mike’s incarceration. The cover charge at the door is ten dollars a head to hang out, and twenty-plus to drink. All proceeds benefit the purchase of a new car for Cole.” He corrected quickly, “A new used car—college students aren’t rich.”

Did I hear him correctly?

“Ta-da!” Russell beamed, bringing a giant plastic cheese ball jar from behind his back. Only, it was cheese-ball free. It was filled to the brim with dollar bills. I could see fives and ones and twenties crammed against the sides. “All for you, Cole!”

Rob corrected him before I fainted. “Well, minus a small amount to cover the beer and the cleaning lady I hired to straighten the place up after, but the rest is yours.”

My vision suddenly blurred and their faces became elongated. I heard the pounding of the bass rhythm vibrating the walls and my ribcage, but even that got quieter and quieter. Maybe now I was dying? I closed my eyes to will away my confusion.

WHEN I opened them again, I had something cold on my head. “What just happened?” I asked, looking into Ellis’s concerned expression.

“You fainted,” he said as I sat up.

“I had a dream,” I said woozily. I looked to Rob and Russell and then to Ellis. “And you, and you, and you were there. Only… I wasn’t in Kansas, and Murphy’s Law had opposite results.”

“Okay, Dorothy, we believe you.” Rob said, patting me on my chest. “When you’re ready though, I think you should at least try to join the party and thank people for coming. It’s the polite thing to do.” Rob got off the bed and headed to the door. “Besides, after the first twenty guests, I think we violated the fire code. So you should probably make an appearance before campus security instructs everyone to vacate the premises.”

Russell grinned as he always did at his friend’s inventive way of describing the state of affairs and followed Rob out the door, leaving me alone with Ellis.

“I’m not dreaming?” I asked.
He shook his head. “Nope.”

“My friends threw a party for me?” I asked, feeling those dreaded emotions rising again. “To raise money for a car?”

“Yup.” Leave it to Ellis to keep his answers short but convey enough sentiment through his tone that my tears rolled like rivers. “When you’re ready, I think we should go out and thank them.”

My words were stuck in my throat.

I FINALLY managed to go out and mingle, although I can say with great conviction it was my first and last kegger! Way too many people. And noise. And mess! I think when it got down to the last eighteen or so—around two in the morning—I might have started enjoying myself. Maybe it was the quieter volume of the music? Hmm.

Most of the people who remained were from Ellis’s soccer team, but I also noticed Stan in the corner, sipping a soda. The weird way he watched everyone creeped me out, but no one else seemed to care. (Either they didn’t care, or like he said—he was invisible to them.) Ellis’s sister and her girlfriend also showed up. I was glad they’d hung around long enough to chat.

Ellis introduced me. “Cole, this is my sister and her girlfriend Lori.”

I tried to shake Sara’s hand, but she hugged me instead. “Oh! Wow.” I expressed my surprise and she giggled as she clung to me. “I suppose I need to get used to this?”

“Yes, you do,” she said with a bright smile that made her eyes glow. They didn’t really look like each other, but I could see that same gleam in Sara’s eyes that often filled Ellis’s. Joy. Pure manifested joy. I could tell I was going to love this family.

The brown-haired girl named Lori smiled at me like she knew me. It was odd. “It’s nice to finally meet you.”

 

I looked at Ellis as I shook her hand. “Am I missing something?”

 

“Lori and I go way back. We talked a little when I was confused about some things. She told me I needed to talk to you.” Somehow that sounded purposely vague. “Oh, okay.”

Lori qualified his ambiguity by adding, “I’ve had experience with relationship issues. My best friend went through loads of counseling, so I used my secondhand knowledge to help Ellis. Basically I told him how important communication is in a relationship. I’m glad he took my advice.”

“Then I’m glad you said something. Thanks. Ellis isn’t normally bountiful in the sharing department.”

 

Ellis slipped his arm around me. “I’m working on it.”

Then he leaned in and kissed me on the lips. His newfound confidence in our established homosexual relationship in front of friends and family pleased me. From what I’d seen, gays coming to terms with their sexuality in relation to the world around them could be tumultuous. (I was.) Comfort and security in our own skin could be a long battle, often with bouts of regret, anxiety, and apprehension. For Ellis to so boldly embrace me and display affection made me believe again that I was dreaming. I’d wanted affection like this for so long; and given the fact that my life never went right, I found this revelation in our relationship hard to believe. Not wishing the sappiness between us to vanish if I blinked, I looped both arms around his waist and leaned my head against his jaw. Ellis squeezed me again and rubbed my arm.

Kevin, Ollie, and Marcus joined our little huddle. Ollie mock punched Ellis in the arm before saying, “Great party, man.” He looked at me all snug against Ellis’s side. “Sorry about the car, dude. Mike is such a douche. I sold some of the textbooks I didn’t need and slipped a hundred in the jar.”

“What?” I was shocked. Again, these things don’t happen to me! And for that kind of generosity to come from a jock—the very same type of person that, in tenth grade, crippled my emotional selfworth at its most vulnerable stage of development—was astonishing.

“You didn’t have to do that,” Ellis said.
“I know, but he’s your guy!” Ollie offered casually.

I felt my emotions trembling again. I wasn’t going to cry, not in front of everyone. I just wasn’t. But Ollie—and the rest of Ellis’s friends—made me reconsider how I’d lumped all “jocks” into one group. I guess I saw them as others saw “gays,” as a stereotypicalized people group. I’d always wanted to be treated as myself, for the person I am and not how people view I should be or act. Being a recipient of unexpected kindness made me see how I’d been judging Ollie for being a jock, just like others out there judged me—or Ellis—for being gay. I guess the whole world needed to open its eyes to the prejudices in its own backyard.

I think Ellis felt me tremble, because he flexed his fingers and tenderly caressed my ribs as he held me while talking to his soccer friends. “And you’re okay with that?” he asked.

Kevin shrugged and answered, “Sure. Why not? We’re a team and you’re our striker. That makes us family. Right?”

“And you’re not surprised to find out I’m gay?” Ellis asked the question, but he wasn’t being defensive about it. I got the impression he was simply feeling out their opinion.

“No. We all knew Cole was gay. Marcus saw him at a campus alliance rally when gay-rights supporters were addressing the opposition on equality under the First Amendment.”

“You heard that?” I was little surprised and embarrassed because that was the first and only time I spoke out. I hate confrontation, and I was so nervous at that rally.

“Yeah, you were great!” Marcus said as he clapped me on the shoulder in a friendly manner. (And not too hard either, which I appreciated.) “Plus, I thought your T-shirt was funny.”

I couldn’t remember which one I’d worn, but in my opinion they were all epic!

A few other guys that I remembered from the soccer field walked over to our living room huddle. Kevin continued his explanation as if he spoke for the whole team’s feelings on the matter. “You’ve never had a girlfriend, Ellis. And at the pool party last year, you looked as if you’d barf on that girl if she kissed you. And she was hot! So when you and Cole started hanging out and you said you’d rather stay home and study than kick the ball around, we just figured you two were getting it on.”

A guy I didn’t know slurred, “No offense if you aren’t actually screwing.” I seriously hoped he was drunk because that was inappropriate and I know I blushed.

Ellis didn’t comment. In fact, I felt him relax, and then he lovingly touched my face with his free hand. I think he was trying to tell me without words to ignore the drunken guy. “I guess I wasn’t fooling anyone?”

“Except maybe yourself,” said Lori. I realize I hardly knew her, but I appreciated the sympathy in her tone. I liked her. And I also like the way she protectively stood behind Ellis’s sister Sara, holding her around the waist; it certainly made me feel less selfconscious about my hold on Ellis.

“I think you had me wondering for a while,” I pointed out.

Ellis looked at me. “Unintentionally.” He kissed my forehead before looking back at his friends. “I guess I can’t thank you all enough for coming and for being so supportive; I’m blown away.”

“It’s like Cole said at the rally,” Marcus explained. “Equal rights should extend to everyone. Homosexuals cannot be excluded because their relationship is unavoidably conspicuous. Same-sex couples are entitled to the same discreet displays of intimacy that heterosexuals entertain. Handholding and kissing are not viewed as vulgar among the masses and should not solely determine acceptance or rejection. People need to be viewed as human, sentient, and feeling creatures in their pursuit to love. Until we acknowledge that, no gay-straight alliance will succeed. Because it’s not about being gay or straight, it’s about being human.”

Ellis gawked at me. “You said that?”
Embarrassed, I could barely answer him. “I guess.” “Wow!” Rob commented. “That’s….”

“Profound,” Lori said, completing his thought for him. Yeah, Lori was cool.

The group looked at each other, and there was a sense of finality to it. Marcus had summed up what Kevin already touched on, and there really wasn’t more to say. Plus it was two in the morning! I was glad they didn’t make a huge deal about my speech. It was the only time I ever said what I felt about gay rights in front of a crowd. It had made me nauseous to take a stand, and I threw up when I got back home. I could see why public speaking was so high on the list of fears people had; I didn’t wish to repeat the experience.

It didn’t take long before good-byes were said and we turned out the lights. All in all, the party went well, and the attendees contributed $2,300 to the “Cash for Cole” fund. I was chuffed.