Tinsley

“Daddy, why is Tinsley sitting in your lap?” Sami asks, and I almost startle. Warm arms grip me tighter, and I almost stiffen, but don’t want to give away that I’m awake. The weight of his arms around me feels so right, which is so…so…wrong. I tamp down the urge to run away screaming and keep my breathing even, curious to know how this conversation will play out.

“You know when you’re not feeling well and you like when Daddy holds you like this?” Damien asks. I assume she nods, because he continues. “Well, Tinsley wasn’t feeling good, so I thought this would make her feel better like it does for you.” His voice is low, trying not to disturb me, and my heart warms. I always knew Damien would make a great father, but the reality is so much more than I could’ve imagined.

“Do you love Tinsley?” Damien’s body stiffens underneath me as my heart screeches to a slow stutter inside my chest. I almost flinch, giving myself away, but manage to remain still, my breathing even.

“Can you keep a secret?” he asks. “A long time ago, before you were born, Tinsley was my girlfriend, and I did love her.” Sadness overtakes me at his use of the past tense. “I still love her, and would like to make her my girlfriend again,” he whispers, and my heart stops as panic starts to set in. I shouldn’t have let him pull me to him. I shouldn’t have accepted his comfort. I shouldn’t have comforted him. I gave the wrong impression. I’m not ready to go there, or anywhere, other than away from here so I can get my head together and figure out the best course of action. I…I…need to go. I move to shift, but it only looks like a stir, when a soft, familiar hand on my cheek stops my panic—tiny little fingers splay across my cheek.

“I love her too, Daddy,” Sami whispers before placing a kiss on my nose, and I want to weep at the conflicting emotions warring within me. I want to cry for the relationship that never went anywhere, for the plans that never came to fruition, while stomping and screaming and shouting at Damien for how unfair it all is. I want to throw the biggest temper tantrum because I love this little girl too, but I have no idea how to handle the daddy that comes with her or the feelings I so don’t have for him.

The urge to flee hits me harder. I need to be alone to figure this shit out. But…I can’t. Not while Dahlia is still here. Damien needs to be here for her, and someone needs to look after Sami—and Damien too, if I’m being honest.

I sigh internally, then move my body a little and blink open my eyes. Sami’s angelic face is beams at me, and I smile back before easing myself off Damien into the seat next to him. Sami immediately jumps into my lap.

“Do you feel better now?” she asks.

“I feel a lot better. Your daddy is good at that, isn’t he?” I reply, and she nods her head yes. When I glance over at Damien, his eyebrow raises in question, and I can’t stop my lips from curving up into a grin. When his do the same, my heart flips in my chest.

“We are going to have a very long talk as soon as Dahlia’s okay. I have a lot of explaining to do,” he says in a hushed voice only I can hear, and a shiver moves through me. I hate how much he still affects me. And even more than I don’t actually hate it. I keep my gaze to the floor and nod slightly. That’s the only agreement he’s going to get out of me right now—maybe ever.

A few hours later and still no word about Dahlia, Damien paces the waiting room while I try to keep Sami occupied with drawing. The nervous energy wafting off Damien is almost stifling, but I focus on the little girl in front of me and keeping her from picking up on his vibe. She doesn’t need to know what Dahlia is going through right now. All she needs to know is they are making her better. I hope.

“I like your purple flower,” Sami says, scooting closer to me on the floor. I am by no means an artist, but I can draw a mean sunflower. On her paper, she has a bright yellow circle in the top corner for the sun and four stick figure people standing on green grass.

“I like yours too. Who are all the people?” She makes a face like she’s trying to remember.

“This is aunt Dahlia,” she says, pointing to the blonde figure who’s off by herself. “This is Daddy, and this one’s me.” She points to the biggest figure and the smallest.

“And who is this?” I point to the brown-haired figure on the end. A shy smile crosses her face and her cheeks tinge a light pink.

“That one is you.” Her voice is hesitant, a little unsure. “You make my daddy smile.” My eyes go wide before I cover my stunned reaction with a clearing of my throat. I turn back to Sami in an attempt to say…something, though I’m not sure what, when she jumps to her feet.

“Uncle Noah!” Sami squeals, running to the waiting room door and jumping into the arms of the tall, handsome, dark-haired Noah, and relief courses through me at the reprieve. Just like Damien, he has only gotten better looking with age. All the boyish features replaced with manly ones. Bigger, more defined muscles and more facial hair. He hauls Sami up in a big hug. She begins to squirm and laugh as he tickles her ribs. When the little girl is laughing so hard tears roll down her face, Noah finally relents. He places her on the floor and she heads straight for me. “This is Tinsley, Uncle Noah. Daddy loves her,” Sami says, matter of fact, and my face heats with embarrassment. My eyes dart to Damien, who’s standing like a statue, his mouth gaping, as Noah laughs out loud. This girl might be the death of me.

“Hey, T. It’s been a long time. Damn, you still look good,” Noah says with a wicked grin as he looks me up and down, and I chuckle, shaking my hips a little. Noah’s always been a flirt, and back in the day, he used to comment on my looks just to get a rise out of Damien. The four of us, Kassidy included, used to be inseparable. I play along, my smile wide as a low growl leaves Damien’s lips. Some things never change.

“It’s good to see you, too,” I say, wrapping my arms around Noah’s neck. He squeezes me tight and I laugh before pulling back. “What have you been up to?”

“Not too much. I opened up a restaurant a few years back,” he says, pride shining in his eyes.

“That’s great! Let me guess, Noah’s Place? I saw it when I was coming in to town, but didn’t connect the dots.”

“That’s the one,” he says before bending down to pick Sami up in his arms. “I came to take you home,” he tells her, and her eyes widen as she claps.

“Can we have a tea party like before?” she asks, her voice filled with excitement. I raise an eyebrow at him and smirk. I can’t imagine big, tough Noah having a tea party. He smiles back before looking down into her big blue eyes.

“Of course we can,” he tells her, his gaze darting up as he gives me a wink. “What can I say? This little beauty has me wrapped around her finger.”

“It was good seeing you, Noah. I’ll have to come by and check your place out while I’m in town.”

“That would be great. Well, we will see you guys later. Seems I have a tea party for two reservation. Keep me updated on Dahlia,” he says, addressing Damien, his eyes softening as the humor fades from his face.

Running a hand through his hair, Damien nods before scooting past me. “I’m going to walk them out. Be right back,” he murmurs, his arm drifting along my lower back before he follows them out into the hall.

I close my eyes, allowing the sensations from his touch to sink in before snapping myself out of it. A frown pulls down my lips as I sit back in the chair wondering what the hell I’m supposed to do about this mess of a situation. Everything inside me says to run far, far away, but my heart…my heart is a treacherous bastard.

10 years ago

Something is off lately with Damien. Ever since I mentioned not going away to college, it seems as if he’s pulling away, and any time I bring up our future, he quickly changes the subject. Lead weights churn in my gut as I park my car in the lot across from Haven’s Pizza where Damien has been working part-time while he waits for a spot to open in the Sheriffs training program.

Resting my head on the steering wheel, I breathe in deep, trying to ward off this sense of dread that’s been living inside me for weeks. I have a really bad feeling he no longer wants to be with me, but I know, in my heart, he loves me. He’s more than proven that to me over the last couple years. I have no idea what’s going on with him, but I’m about to find out.

On a sigh, I exit the car. Crossing the street, I look down at my watch. Just in time for Damien’s lunch break. Walking through the door, I breathe in the smell of fresh pizza and my stomach growls. Stepping up to the counter, I yell for Damien in the back. As he comes around the corner, the smile on his face falls and my stomach drops. I used to be the one who put that smile on his face. Now, I seem to take it away.

“Hey,” I say, my voice shaky and unsure.

“Give me just a minute, then we can walk down to the park,” he replies before disappearing into the back. I can hear him talking to Luke, the owner, and a minute later, he’s back. A little of my unease lifts when I see the slice of pizza piled high with black olives and mushrooms sitting on the paper plate. He knows I can’t walk in here without eating.

Handing me the plate, he heads for the door, and my anxiety skyrockets. I furrow my eyebrows as a crashing wave of confusion settles in. He always, and I mean always, kisses me when he sees me. He holds the door open, allowing me to go through first, and I try my best to school my features so the hurt I’m feeling doesn’t show.

The short walk to the park is silent. I try to nibble on my pizza, but it’s not even appealing. He hasn’t reached for my hand, which is also out of character. My stomach twists in knots as trepidation continues to build inside me. When I look at him, he’s looking straight ahead, avoiding any eye contact with me. Unable to take anymore, I stop walking and throw my pizza in the trash can beside me.

“Okay, Damien, what the hell is up with you?” He stops walking and turns around to face me. “I know something is going on. I want to know what it is.” Running his hand through his hair, he sighs.

“Why are you choosing to go to the community college here in town?” For a moment, I’m a little confused. He knows why. We talked about this. He doesn’t want to leave here. “Am I the only reason you’re staying?” I nod my head. It’s all I can manage to do since my voice seems to be lost. I don’t like where this is going, but I don’t know how to stop it. “I don’t want you to give up going to college in Florida to stay here with me,” he states, his jaw clenched and lips drawn in a thin line.

“I’m not giving up anything. I’m choosing to stay. Besides, I can get the same degree here.” His eyes grow cold and he turns away, his fists clenching at his sides. Worry continues to gnaw at my insides and I bite my lip, unsure what I’m supposed to do. I want to reach out to him, grab his arm and pull him back to me. I also want to slap him until he tells me what’s going on with him. Turning back to me, his face pinched and eyes sad, I draw in a breath, my eyebrows furrowing.

He looks up to the sky, and I open my mouth to say something, anything, when he casts his eyes back down to me, all the emotion smoothed from his face. “But you are. You’re giving up a lot.” He takes a deep breath. “You need to go, Tin.” I shake my head, tears burning my eyes.

“No. I won’t go. I don’t want to go. I love you, Damien. The only thing that matters to me is being with you.” My voice is almost pleading and my body begins to shake as the first tear drops onto my cheek.

“You have to...” His hands grip his hair again, and his face pales as he looks me straight in the eyes. “You have to go. There’s nothing here for you.” My legs wobble, threatening to give out.

“There’s you, Damien. I love you,” I cry, tears streaming down my face. I reach for him, but he jerks away.

“I don’t love you. Not anymore. Like I said, there’s nothing here for you,” he states, his tone cold and devoid of emotion. He looks at me for a moment, and I gaze at him behind the blur of my tears. His eyes drop, right along with his shoulders before he straightens and walks away—from me. Sobs rack every inch of me as my heart shatters. My lungs stutter as I try to take in a breath that never comes. I choke on the tears, on the air that won’t enter my lungs, on the pain ricocheting around inside me without a destination. Everything hurts. Everything all at once. My legs give out from under me and I fall to the grass, holding my chest, trying to keep myself together as I watch my life walk farther away from me.

A wet tear slides down my cheek. I can’t do this again. Talking this through with Damien and hearing his side won’t change anything, and thinking it can is stupid. One minute, he loved me. The next, he didn’t. What if he does that again? Seeing me after all this time could just have him thinking he still loves me, but what happens when he realizes he truly doesn’t? I refuse to allow myself to go through that kind of pain again. The cracks in my heart from that day still haven’t healed, and I’m not sure they ever will. Adding more might rupture it for good. Tears build at the thought as panic starts to set it. Running my clammy hands down my jeans, I sniff, trying to keep the tears from falling, but it’s no use. I have to get out here. I need to leave before Damien comes back. I can’t look at him right now, and I can’t do this—whatever this is.

Getting up from the chair, I grab my bag and walk as quickly as I can without running down the halls. I push the elevator button over and over, willing it to open the doors faster. I tap my foot, the flood of emotion and pain becoming unbearable as the tears begin to stream down my cheeks. As soon as the doors open, I dash inside without looking up and slam to a halt as I run straight into someone. My cheeks heat as I scramble to back away, wiping my face with my arm. When familiar cologne hits my nostrils, my body stiffens and I glance up into scared blue eyes.

“Tin. What’s wrong? Is it Dahlia?” he questions, and guilts swarms in, but it doesn’t stop me from composing myself and hitting the button for the lobby. The doors slide shut and I groan internally, mentally berating myself for not waiting for him to get out.

“No, it’s not Dahlia. I just need to go home,” I mumble, running my hand over my forehead as I look at my feet, avoiding him and hiding my red, splotchy face. I drum my fingers along my jeans with my other hand and take in sharp breaths, feeling like the walls are closing in on me. I have to get out of here and away from him. As soon as the elevator starts to move, Damien moves toward me, and I almost flinch.

“Hey,” he says, taking my face in his hands. I drop my hand and peer up at him as he wipes the tears from my cheeks. My heart swells at his touch, how gentle and sincere it is, and I almost breakdown. Right there in front of him. Averting my gaze, I sniff, stepping back, away from his touch. His hands drop to his sides, and I release a breath, even as an emptiness I never realized was there returns in the hollowness of my stomach.

“Why are you crying?” he asks, concern bleeding out into each syllable. I look up, meeting his eyes for a moment before glancing away again. The worry resting in their depths almost too much to see, and I don’t understand why it’s there. He. Left. Me. He broke my heart. He killed us. He didn’t love me. And now he does? Now, he’s concerned with how I feel? Now, he’s worried over my tears? Now, he’s being gentle, and comforting, and loving, and caring…

“I can’t do this with you again.” The words are harsh, and as soon as they leave my lips, something inside me want me to take them back. But I can’t. This isn’t right for me. It’s not right for either of us. Straightening my shoulders, resolute in my decision, even though it feels wrong, I meet his eyes again. “It won’t work. We won’t work.”

Damien shakes his head, his eyes narrowing in thought. “Where—”

“You have to worry about Sami and Dahlia right now,” I rush out before he can finish whatever he was about to say. “We can be friends, but that’s it. I gave you my heart once, and you tore it to shreds. I won’t do it again.” My voice waivers and I’m on the verge of tears again, but I refuse to let them fall in front of him. The elevator dings, and as soon as the doors slide open, I run down the hall without looking back.