Damien

Tinsley’s back disappears from sight as I stand, holding the elevator door to keep it from closing, trying to figure out what the fuck just happened. Where did all that come from? Not even four hours ago, I was holding her in my arms, thinking maybe I had a shot at getting her back, then I leave to walk Noah and Sami to the car and everything changed. Leaning back against the wall, I push the button for the fifth floor. She’s right about one thing. I need to worry about Dahlia right now. She’s my priority. When the doors open, I make my way back to the waiting room.

“Mr. Heath?” I jerk my head up as Dahlia’s doctor walks toward me. “Dahlia is out of surgery and everything went well,” he says, and I take a deep, relieved breath. It feels as if a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders.

“Thank you, Doctor. Can I see her?”

“She’s in recovery now, but you can see her as soon as we get her into her own room.”

“Thank you, again,” I say, reaching out to shake his head. With a nod, he heads back out and I walk into the waiting room to take up my former position in these uncomfortable chairs.

My eyes move back up to those yellow-tinged tiles as my mind wanders back to Tinsley.

10 Years Ago

My gut churns as I watch the clock. Tinsley will be here any minute. Since she graduated last week, she comes by every day to eat lunch with me, but today isn’t going to be our normal happy date. Today, I’m going to have to do something I really don’t want to do. I fix a slice of pizza loaded with cheese, mushrooms, and black olives, just the way she likes it…as if giving her a slice of her favorite pizza with soften the blow. Shaking my head, I place the slice in the oven. The bell on the door rings and my chest tightens as a wave of nausea rolls through me. I hear her call my name and walk to the front counter, the smile on my face automatic at the sound of her voice. When I see her beautiful face, my smile falters. I’m about to destroy her.

“Hey,” she says in a shaky voice.

“Give me just a minute, then we can walk down to the park,” I say before turning back to retrieve her slice of pizza from the oven. After putting it on a paper plate, I slam my fists down on the counter. “Damn it!” I yell, guilt and remorse eating through me. I don’t know if I have the strength to do this to her. “It’s for her own good,” I whisper before getting myself together as much as possible.

“You’ve been talking to yourself an awful lot lately. Should I be worried?” Luke, the owner, jokes. I flip him off and laugh. Picking up the slice of pizza, I make my way back to the front. I can see the unease and fear in Tinsley’s face. She knows something bad is coming. How could she not? I’ve been pulling away from her for a while now, thinking it will make this easier, but I’m just kidding myself. Nothing about this is going to be easy.

I hand her the plate while trying not to make eye contact. I’m too afraid I’ll chicken out if I look at her beautiful brown eyes. It takes everything in me to keep from kissing her like I always do when I see her. In order to keep my hands to myself, I walk right by her and hold the door open.

We walk in silence to the park while I keep my eyes trained ahead and my hands deep in my pockets to avoid reaching out for hers. The closer we get to the park, the faster my heart begins to beat. My eyes focused in front of me, I try to go over what I need to say, how to say it—the best way to handle this—but it’s no use. And in the end, the result is going to be the same. There’s no way to ease into this or make it better. It’s going to hurt us both.

“Okay, Damien, what the hell is up with you?” Tinsley asks from behind me, her tone harsh. Stopping in my tracks, I turn to face her, startled. “I know something is going on. I want to know what it is.” I run a hand over my head and blow out a breath. My eyes meet hers, and my heart squeezes at the pain I see there.

“Why are you choosing to go to the community college here in town?” I ask, trying to keep my voice even. When she doesn’t answer right away, I continue. “Am I the only reason you’re staying?” She nods her head, apprehension flashing in her eyes. “I don’t want you to give up going to college in Florida to stay here with me,” I state, my jaw aching from being clenched so hard.

“I’m not giving up anything. I’m choosing to stay. Besides, I can get the same degree here,” she explains, her voice pleading with me to understand. Turning away, I try to gather my strength and remind myself why I’m doing this for the millionth time. I turn back to her and school my features, doing my best to hide my feelings.

“But you are. You’re giving up a lot.” I take a deep breath, steeling myself. I need to be tougher. The only way she’s going to leave is if I make her hate me. I need her to go to Florida and never look back. “You need to go, Tin.” She shakes her head, tears filling her eyes. I want to reach out and take her in my arms, hold her and tell her, more than anything, I want her to stay and always be with me. But that’s not what she needs. She would be settling, and I can’t let her do that, no matter how much this hurts. And knowing I caused the pain in her eyes probably hurts the most. It destroys me.

“No. I won’t go. I don’t want to go. I love you, Damien. The only thing that matters to me is being with you.” Her body shakes as tears fall down her face, and my heart seizes. I want to shove the words back in my mouth and pretend this never happened. But she wouldn’t be happy, and above anything else, that’s all I want.

“You have to...” I grit out, my jaw clenching to keep my voice from shaking. “You have to go. There’s nothing here for you.” The words burn like bile rising in my throat. She waivers, and I move to step forward, but stop myself.

“There’s you, Damien. I love you,” she cries out, her face red and eyes swollen. With each tear that slides down her face, a piece of my heart dies. She reaches out to touch me, but I jerk away. As much as it kills me to do so, I have to be cold. It’s the only way she’ll go. If she doesn’t follow her dreams, she’ll resent me for it one day, and I won’t be that guy. It’s not fair to her. If I could do this without causing the pain I am, I would...but there’s no other way. Swallowing back the lump forming in my throat, I steel myself for the biggest and worst lie I’ve ever told to leave my mouth.

“I don’t love you. Not anymore. Like I said, there’s nothing here for you.” I look at her one last time, watching the light dim in her eyes as her heart shatters, mirroring the pain I feel in mine. There are moments in life we know will change us forever, and this moment is one of those for me. I will never be the same again.

Turning, I walk away before I change my mind. Her pained cry pierces the air and I wince as the sound burns into my memory. I deserve to live with it every day for the rest of my life. It takes everything in me not to turn around and hold her, tell her how sorry I am, how much I don’t mean it. Instead, I fist my hands, allowing my own tears to fall as I make my way back to Haven’s. “I love you, Tinsley. More than you’ll ever know,” I whisper into the wind as a piece of my soul breaks off into the ether.