Tinsley

I roll over on a groan, not daring to open my eyes. My head pounds. My stomach lurches. My mouth tastes like bottom of the barrel tequila and bad decisions. Ugh.

“Never drinking that much again,” I mutter, pulling the pillow over my face to block out the eye-searing sun. “Idiot,” I mumble into the pillow, and then the events from the night before tumble their way back in. I groan as my stomach begins to revolt. Swallowing back the acid, I breathe through my nose, praying it will go away. The only good thing to come from consuming so much alcohol was how easily I handled seeing Damien for the first time.

Since the moment I stepped off the plane, anxiety has followed me around, beating down on me, and of course, just like I knew would happen because I have the worst luck ever, I see the reason for my anxiety the first night I’m here. Even worse, it wasn’t terrible—until the past flooded in like a tidal wave.

At first, I thought I had been knocked out cold and dreaming. But then he smiled at me with that same smile he always reserved just for me—at least, that’s what I had thought. Butterflies immediately took flight in my stomach. I was staring into the eyes of the man I loved with all my heart. The man I wanted to marry and have children with. The man I was ready to give up my dreams for. And he looked almost the same as he had the last time I saw him all those years ago. His shoulders were a little broader and his muscles were larger and more defined, but overall the same. It felt as if the last ten years never happened.

Then came the pain. The ache in my chest at what had happened made it hard to breathe, solidifying what I already knew. I can’t go down that road again. I can’t open myself up for that kind of hurt. I wouldn’t survive it a second time.

My phone buzzes on the nightstand beside me, forcing me out of my thoughts. Reaching over, I grab it, groaning when I see it’s Kassidy.

“Hello,” I croak out, my voice still heavy with sleep.

“Good morning,” she chirps. “How’s your head?” Her way-too-cheery voice irritates me—and the fact that she doesn’t sound even a little hungover when she drank more than I did. I hate her.

“My head feels like it’s about to explode,” I grumble, wanting to throw myself a pity party.

“Is it just the alcohol or the run-in with he who shall not be named?”

“A little of both. I wasn’t ready to see him.” I don’t think I’ll ever be ready. But it needed to be done, I suppose. Can’t expect to stay in this small town and not see him. It’s impossible. Doesn’t change the fact that it sucks. “Why does it still hurt?” I whisper, allowing my thoughts to tumble from my lips before really thinking about it.

She lets out a laugh. “You’re a smart girl. You know why. You just don’t want to acknowledge it.”

I huff and rub circles at my temple, attempting to alleviate the ache. I hate that she knows me better than I know myself sometimes. “You’re still in love with him.”

I laugh. “That’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard.” My friend has officially lost her mind. It’s been ten years for Christ’s sake. He moved on and has a daughter. I moved on and married someone else. And even if I did still love him, which I most certainly do not, he broke it off with me. He chose to throw me away. Throw all the plans we made together out the window. He crushed me. No, I don’t love him, and I’m not bitter either.

10 Years Ago

Damien and I are laying side by side in a field, my hand tangled in his, staring at the sky as the gentle breeze blows my hair away from my face. I watch as a cloud in the shape of a mouse floats by. Turning my head, I lock eyes with the beautiful boy who holds my heart in his hands.

“I want to get married as soon as you graduate,” he states, and my heart flutters in my chest. There’s nothing I want more than to be his wife. We may be young, but I know in my soul he’s the only one I’ll want for the rest of my life. My mom keeps telling me first loves like ours very seldom last. “People grow so much at your age. It’s very easy for you both to grow in different directions,” she always says. That won’t happen with us, though. We want too many of the same things.

“A small wedding here in this field,” I say. He squeezes my hand, then brings it to his lips and places a soft kiss on my knuckles. I look over at him, and he’s smiling wide at me. I smile back as my heart overflows with the love I feel for him. “And what about kids? How many do you want?” I ask, and my cheeks heat. We’ve had sex before, but I’m still a little shy about it and not all that comfortable talking about it. He chuckles when he sees my embarrassment.

“Two would be perfect. Especially if it could be one boy and one girl,” he states, and I nod my head in agreement. That’s what I’ve always wanted. “And I was thinking…since you want to write, you can stay with them and work from home.” I’ve always wanted to be able to stay home with my children. I don’t want to miss all the things my mom did because she had to work. My mom is amazing, and I love her. She works hard to support the two of us, and I admire her for that. I just wish she had more time for me.

Damien runs his finger along my cheek, and goosebumps cascade down my arms. It amazes me how much my entire body comes alive from the smallest of touches from him. “I love you, Tin, and I promise to spend the rest of my life making you happy.” I never thought swooning was a real thing until this very second.

“I love you too, and I promise to spend the rest of my life making you happy,” I tell him, a tear slipping from my eye. I could die right now and be happy.

“Sounds to me like we were made for each other,” he says as he grips the back of my neck and pulls me to him until our lips meet in a soft kiss. Heat floods my body as his lips glide against mine. A low moan escapes me, spurring him on. His tongue teases the crease between my lips, begging me to open to him, and I do. The instant our tongues meet, my legs go weak.

“Hellooo! Are you still there?” Kassidy yells, breaking me from my walk down memory lane. We were so perfect together. I never had a doubt about his feelings for me. I think that’s why it hurt so bad when he dumped me. I was completely blindsided by it. “T?”

“Yeah. I’m here. Sorry, I kind of zoned out for a minute,” I explain.

“Look. I know you don’t want to believe you have feelings for him still, but you do. And by the way he looked at you last night, so does he. Maybe what you both need is to sit down and talk. Now that you’re both older, you can be more open with each other and he’ll tell you why he did what he did. If anything, you can get some closure,” Kassidy tells me, and my nose scrunches.

She’s wrong about either of us having feelings for one another. You’re always going to remember your first love, and that’s all this is. She’s right about needing closure, though. I need to know what really went wrong so I can move on. Maybe he never really loved me and it was all an elaborate plan to sleep with me, but that doesn’t feel right either. What I do know if I’ve spent way too many years blaming myself, thinking I did something to push him away from me. Maybe it was my inexperience with relationships, or perhaps I fell in love too fast and became clingy. The not knowing is what kills me, but the big, huge, ginormous issue is it shouldn’t anymore. I frown. Something has been holding me back, and it has to be the non-closure of it all, but…

“I don’t know if I can do that, Kas. Not yet anyway.” It’s the truth. Sure, it sounds like an easy thing to do—just walk right up and start interrogating him—but after what how I felt seeing him last night, I don’t think I could sit face to face with him.

“Give it some time. Anyway, the reason I called, I know you want to try to work today, but I thought I could come by around five and bring some dinner. I know you’ve been dying to have a pizza from Haven’s.”

“My mouth is watering just thinking about it,” I tell her just as my stomach growls. Kas and I went downtown after school every day to have a slice or two from Haven’s before heading home. It was the best pizza I’ve ever had and I have yet to find anything that comes close.

“I thought it might give you a little incentive to get to work,” she laughs. “I’ll see ya later, babe.”

“Okay. See you later,” I say, then end the call. Time to get my mind off Damien and get some work done. Rolling out of bed, I make my way into the bathroom to take a long, hot shower, hoping the water will wash away some of the hangover. After about thirty minutes of standing under the scalding spray, I reluctantly get out, towel dry my hair, and clip it into a bun. I throw on a comfy pair of yoga pants and my oversized long sleeve tee, and head to the kitchen, in great need of coffee. My head still throbs, but thankfully not as bad as earlier.

I place the full kettle on the stove and rummage through the cabinets for my mom’s favorite mug. It was a Mother’s Day gift I got for her when I was ten, and though there isn’t anything special about it—just has the word “Love” written across it in purple—I miss the warm feeling I always got when I saw her using it. I smile as I pull the mug down, that warm and squishy feeling coming back. I miss her so damn much, and I could definitely use her words of wisdom right about now.

The kettle shrieks, and I set about making my coffee. Once I add cream and sugar, I grab my laptop from the couch and walk out to the back porch—my favorite part of the house. With the view, awnings, bright chairs and benches, it’s always been my happy place. Curling up on an oversized chair with a very padded cushion, I look out over the lake and take in the puffy white clouds scattered around the light blue sky. A small breeze brushes against my face, and I breathe deep, inhaling all the fresh mountain air as my body relaxes. Without wasting another second, I open my laptop and get to work. For the first time since my divorce, I feel inspired and hopeful.

“Hey, T,” Kassidy says, and I jump, almost dropping my laptop to the floor. Looking up, I see her holding a large pizza box, a bottle of wine, and two Solo cups, staring at me curiously.

“What the hell? You have got to stop sneaking up on me!” I gasp. Getting myself under control, I screw my brows together. “What are you doing here? I thought you weren’t coming until five.”

“Babe, it’s five-thirty.” She eyes me now with concern. I look at the clock on my computer, and my eyes go wide. I’ve been sitting here writing for over six hours without getting up once. The last time I checked the clock, it was a little before one. I glance down at the word count and almost squeal. I’ve written over twenty-thousand words. Holy shit. That’s more than I’ve written in over a month. I smile, unable to help myself. “I take it you got a lot done today?” Kassidy asks.

“I did. I haven’t written like this in a very long time. The words were coming faster than I could type them,” I tell her, bouncing in my seat.

“I guess I was right about you coming here. It seems to be working,” she teases, but she’s right. I don’t know whether it’s the scenery, being home and feeling closer to my mom, or maybe just the fresh mountain air, but whatever it is, I’m grateful for it. My characters are speaking so loud, I have no choice but to write.

Kassidy pulls a chair up next to me, then places the pizza box on the table in front of me. As soon as she opens the box, the mouthwatering scent wafts through the air and my stomach growls. Kassidy looks over, laughing, and I can’t help but join in. She ordered it the same way we used to: half black olives and mushrooms for me, and the other half pepperoni and sausage for her. Reaching for a slice, I bring it to my mouth, take a huge bite, and moan in satisfaction. It’s just as delicious as I remember. It’s amazing how smells and tastes can remind you of happy times. It brings me back to a time when I was seventeen and Kassidy and I were on this very porch eating the same pizza and sneaking a bottle of wine. of course, my mom noticed the missing bottle and I was grounded for a week.

For a long time, we sit in silence, chowing down on pizza and drinking wine. Before long, the sun begins to set over the lake, pale pinks and purples bursting across the sky, creating shadows over the mountains in the distance. It’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen. Watching sunsets has always been something I love. Back in Florida, I used to go to the beach and just sit and stare at the sky until it was black. There’s something very peaceful about watching the beauty of it right in front of you.

“Have you missed this place at all?” Kas asks, her voice barely above a whisper, almost as if she’s afraid I’ll say no. I know she’s hoping I’ll stay indefinitely, and part of me wants to, especially after the productive day I’ve had, but I just don’t know if I can. This town is not big enough for both Damien and me. If he weren’t here, I would have come back a long time ago.

“I have. I do love it here, and it does seem to get my creative juices flowing…I just don’t know if I could stay for good,” I tell her, and disappointment flashes in her eyes.

“Well, then, I’ll enjoy having you here while I can,” she says with a smile, and my heart tightens in my chest. It feels like old times being here with her, and I feel happy and content again. Who knows, maybe I’ll stay longer than I planned.