11
“How are you doing, Polly?” Alex asks as they turn out of the driveway. Polly reaches over and pats his knee.
“Don’t worry about me, Alex,” she offers him a sad smile, “I’m doing just fine.”
Alex gives her hand a squeeze, and stops to let a mother with two small children cross in front of them.
“What color are you doing today?” he asks.
“Blue, I think. Perhaps a nice bright blue.”
“Good,” Alex says. “I like the blue best.”
They drive in silence for a mile before Polly turns in her seat and speaks.
“You know, I can say this because I am, as my grandson insists on reminding me, an old lady, but you have come such a long way, Alex.”
Alex shoots her a confused glance and she studies her fingernails for a moment before continuing.
“When Ben first brought you home, you were such a scared little thing.” She laughs at her own words. “Well, perhaps little isn’t the right word. But you were scared. Of everything and everyone. You’re not that scared man anymore.”
Taken aback, Alex concentrates on the road while he thinks over what she’s saying.
“No,” he says finally, “I’m not. Ben did that. He showed me I don’t have to be.”
Polly nods in agreement, smooths her hands over her skirt. Picks a stray thread from the cuff of her blouse and discards it.
“Yes, I can see that, but I want you to know that you’ve given him as much as he has you. Before he met you, he had a very busy life but I don’t think it was a very satisfying one. He was always restless and a little on edge. He always gave the impression he was looking for something but none of us quite knew what it was.”
“When I first met him, I thought he was going to be a bit of a player,” Alex admits. He’s never told anyone that, least of all Ben, that. To his relief, Polly laughs and agrees with his assessment.
“That boy has always been very physical and affectionate and I’m quite sure had he been straight, he would have impregnated half of the county before he was sixteen. It’s not hard to guess his favorite exercise.”
Unable to speak without stammering, Alex just makes a sound in his throat he hopes will be understood.
“But,” Polly continues, “I don’t know if he was ever a real player. I think he just liked sex and was always on the hunt for something he couldn’t identify. And you should know, if you don’t, that right from the first time he mentioned you, he was besotted. I think he was looking for someone he would be able to love more than himself, more than me, and more than his mother. Someone he would have to work for. He found it in you.”
“Oh.” The word seems woefully inadequate but what else is there to say? Alex indicates to pull into a spot outside the hair salon. When he’s put the park brake on and turns the engine off, he gets out and goes around to help Polly out.
“What I’m trying to say,” Polly says, “is thank you for letting him love you.”
Alex holds his elbow out and Polly hooks her hand in it with a smile.
“It’s my pleasure,” Alex says. Then because he knows she’ll appreciate it and he wants to hear her laugh, he adds, “And I mean that in every possible way.”
◆◆◆
Allie and Ben are in the kitchen when he gets home, Bart under the table at their feet. Ben offers him coffee but he refuses and gets himself a glass of water as he asks Allie how she feels.
“Had worse days.”
The fatigue he can hear in her voice tells him more than the words. On the table, she’s prepared a list in shaky handwriting of the things she wants from her room and the things to be removed from the guest room; what can be kept, and what can be thrown away.
“It’s mainly my clothes and toiletries,” she explains as Alex studies the list. “If you can bring them down in boxes, I can spend the morning tidying them into the dressers down here.”
He asks Allie if she has a measuring tape, finds it in the drawer she indicates, and excuses himself waving aside their questions. He goes first to the guest room and then to Allies room.
“If we take the drawers out of your dressers first,” he says when he comes back, “we can swap the dressers with the ones in the guest room. It will be quicker and easier than trying to unpack and repack all of your clothes as long as you don’t mind that they won’t match the rest of the furniture.”
“Could we swap the bedside tables, too?” Ben asks. “That way it will only be the bed that doesn’t match, so it won’t be so noticeable.”
Alex holds his hand up, disappears again, and returns a few moments later grinning.
“We can swap the headboards. The beds are the same size and have the lugs for the headboards in the same spot.”
Allie shakes her head.
“That’s too much work,” she protests, “I don’t want you boys spending the weekend moving furniture around, you both have work on Monday.”
Alex drops the tape measure on the table and finishes his glass of water.
“Allie, it’s no problem and it won’t take long, honestly,” he says. “Now do you have some boxes for the things upstairs that aren’t in drawers that need to come down? Good, if you tell Ben where to find them, I’m going to bring the dressers from the guest room out into the living room.”
“But…”
“No buts, mom, just tell me where the boxes are.”
“Out in the studio. Well, what can I do while you’re doing all of this?” she asks. Alex stops in the doorway to answer her.
“Keep Bart out from under and make sure we have all the ingredients for cocktails this afternoon, so I can pick up any we need when I get Polly.”
While Alex moves the dressers from the guest room and unscrews the two headboards, Ben gathers toiletries, books, and photographs from the bathroom and bedroom and takes the boxes downstairs. Alex asks him to put the drawers from Allie’s dresser on the downstairs bed while he reattaches the head boards in their new locations and unscrews the mirror from Allie’s dressing table. Finally, they’re ready to move the empty bureaus.
“Front or back?” Alex asks.
“Back, I think,” Ben replies after some thought, “if you’re at the back and fall, we’ll have no hope of avoiding a mess. There’s just too damned much of you.”
Alex agrees and they pick up the first piece and make their way downstairs. The trip is slow, thanks to the weight of the dressers, and punctuated with muttered expletives from Ben. When Alex suggests he spend more time at the gym and less time sampling Matt’s dessert bar, Ben invites him to get fucked and through his laughter, Alex reminds him of the rules for his mother’s house.
The dressers from the guest room are easier and quicker to move since they’re empty and within two hours both rooms have been restored to order. Allie hugs them both and makes them sit down to a plate of sandwiches and glasses of milk.
◆◆◆
“Thank you,” she says. “That’s going to make things much easier.”
Alex bites his lip, looks at Ben, then decides there is never going to be a good time to have this conversation, so it may as well be now.
“Allie, what are you going to do?” he asks. “Polly upstairs, you down, that’s already problematic but it’s probably the least of the issues here. Have you talked to the bureau about a permanent nurse?”
Ben jerks his head up, face white.
“What are you talking about?”
Allie rubs his forearm and makes a soothing noise.
“Alex is right, I do need to make some decisions and I was going to talk to you about it tomorrow but now is probably better,” she says.
“Decisions about what?” Ben looks from Allie to Alex, panic blooming in his eyes. “Someone care to fill me in?”
“I don’t want to go to the hospital if we can avoid it.” Allie uses the same matter of fact tone Alex has heard Ben use, folding her hands on the table in front of her. He nods his understanding. “And although I know they do a wonderful job, I’d really rather not go to the hospice either. But if it comes down to one or the other, that would be my preference.”
“Well, that means you need to consider a fulltime nurse.” Alex rubs Ben’s back without looking him, wanting to give him a chance to work through what he’s hearing. Allie sighs.
“I know,” she says. “I’ve phoned them but they don’t really have anyone available just now. And then there’s the issue of Polly – finding someone who will know how to cope with and handle her. At the moment, we just have the night nurse so it’s not really an issue.”
“Could we get someone from the city?” Ben asks. His voice is quiet and Alex can hear the effort it’s taking to keep it even.
“I don’t want someone who’s not likely to fit in with us or who might upset Polly. Or be upset by her."
“Well, I get that mom, but if you need someone here, then you might have to take the risk.”
“There is another option,” Alex says. Allie and Ben look at him and he shrugs. “I could do it.”
“No,” Allie says, “I couldn’t ask you …”
“You’re not asking me. I’m offering. And we’d still need a second one anyway. At least sometimes.”
“What about work?” Ben asks.
“Well I’m going on parental leave when the baby is born,” Alex keeps his tone neutral, trying to sound pragmatic, “and I have plenty of normal leave owing me. My boss knows the situation, I don’t think there’d be a problem.”
“Why don’t we both just stay here then and I can commute.”
“No you can’t honey,” Allie shakes her head, “it’s a three hour drive each way.”
“I’ll take leave.”
Allie shakes her head.
“But…”
“Besides,” she says, “I don’t think it will be for very long.”
She looks at Alex, eyebrows raised, question hanging unspoken between them. He shakes his head.
“No I don’t think so,” he agrees.
Ben looks from one to the other then kicks his chair back.
“I need some air.”
He strides out across the courtyard and Alex hears the gate to the beach path slam behind him.
Alex takes Allie’s hand across the table.
“I’m so sorry, Allie.”
“Don’t be.” She tries to smile. “I hate that this is hurting him but I’m mostly relieved, you know? I won’t lie and tell you I’m not pissed but I’m tired, so you know, don’t be.”
After two attempts, she’s able to stand and walk to the window. Alex puts the dishes and glasses in the sink and stands next to her, arm around her shoulders. Ben is sitting at the water’s edge, shoulders slumped, head bowed.
“Alex, if you’re sure, I would like it very much if you were to be here,” Allie says.
“I would be honored Allie; it might take a day or two to sort work out but I can’t see there being any problem.”
She nods and takes a deep breath.
“Thank you. Go to him, please. Leave Bart here with me, we’ll be fine.”
Alex kisses her cheek and tells Bart to stay.
◆◆◆
Without a word, Alex sits down and waits for Ben to decide when he’s ready to speak. Although his eyes are dry, Ben’s shaking and his breath is coming in short, sharp gasps. After a moment, he looks up and clears his throat.
“She’s not going to see the baby, is she?”
Alex presses his lips together and shakes his head.
“No, she’s not,” he says.
“How long are we talking about?”
Alex hesitates. After dropping Polly, he called into the nursing bureau and asked to see a copy of the night nurse’s notes since they have a written directive to share medical information with him. Allie’s weight is dropping daily and most of her nutrition is being pureed. That explains why he’s not seen her eat more than a cup of solid food since their arrival. She’s still reasonably hydrated and passing urine but her bowels are barely functioning. Her white cell count is low. Her pain is rarely below a six and never below a five and she’ll need to move to morphine patches and IV soon. Although the nurse has noted that she seems to be in good spirits, and is noticeably brighter after a visit or call from Ben and Alex, she’s sleeping a lot and has had the occasional bout of disorientation. Since it is becoming increasingly difficult for her body to process what she is eating they may have to consider an IV for electrolytes soon. Even with that, her body is starting to shut down. None of these details are anything Ben needs to know.
“A few weeks if we’re lucky,” he puts his arm around Ben.
“Will she be in much pain?” Ben asks.
“I’ll make sure she’s not.”
“I could take leave too…”
Alex picks his words with care, desperate to not add to Ben’s pain.
“Do you remember when you were shot and I wanted to do everything for you but you wanted everything to be normal?” he says. Ben nods. “So for your mom, right now, she’s hanging on to the very last bit of normal. I promise you, when the time comes I’ll make sure you have time to get here and be with her.”
For a long time they sit without speaking.
◆◆◆