2
Ben puts the sugar bowl on the coffee table next to the dish of brownie from Matt and the mugs of tea Alex has just served. Claire is in deep conversation with Bart about his current favorite toy, a squeaky whale, while Matt watches her from an armchair, legs stretched out in front of him. Ben drops to the couch with a sigh, happy to no longer be standing and puts his bare feet in Alex’s lap; smiles when Alex begins to massage his calves.
“God is there anything more nauseating than newlyweds?” Matt asks nobody in particular.
“Bite me,” Alex says. “Just because you’re old and jaded.”
“Watch it with the old,” Ben says, digging his toes into Alex’s side. “He’s the same age as me.”
“Exactly.” Alex passes him his tea.
“You must be feeling better, Ben, you’re not limping nearly as much,” Claire says from beneath Bart who is now trying to sit on her, having won the fight for the squeaky whale. “Must be good to be getting back to normality.”
Alex blushes and reaches for the plate of brownie. Offers it to a grinning Ben.
“Just shut up and eat your brownie,” he mutters.
For the next ten minutes they talk about the wedding and the restaurant. Ben snorts when Alex asks if Matt has heard from their parents.
“Thankfully no, though I expect that might change,” Matt says.
“Oh?” Alex smacks Ben’s hand as he reaches for another slice of brownie. Pouting Ben picks up his mug instead and settles, shifting to a more comfortable position.
Matt clears his throat and glances at Claire. She pushes Bart off her lap and sits up to lean on the coffee table.
“Claire and I have sort of a proposition for you,” Matt says.
Ben sits up and moves closer to Alex, shooting him a glance to see if he knows what’s happening. Judging by the puzzled shrug he gets in reply, Alex is as much in the dark as he is. His hand slides over the small space between them and when Ben looks down, Alex is winding two fingers in the hem of his tee-shirt. Nervous about what’s coming, Ben takes the hand in his own and squeezes it.
“Well, you said you want to start a family and Claire and I have been talking about it; about what we could do to help and well we thought …”
“Maybe I could be your surrogate,” Claire blurts out.
Ben’s eyes widen and he asks her to repeat herself.
“Look you can say no and I’ll still love you both,” she leans forward and rests her elbows on her knees, “we just thought it might be helpful if you have someone you know and trust and someone whose history you have access to. God, my sister has our family tracked back to the damned Vikings. You can use my eggs and that way you’ll know your donor and your surrogate.”
“And well if anything happens to you, you know the child will be well cared for with family,” Matt says.
“You don’t like children,” Alex says and Ben frowns at the icy tone.
“What? You know that’s not true,” Matt says. “We don’t want to have our own children, but neither of us ever said we don’t like kids.”
“What if we wanted to have more than one?” Ben asks, ignoring the indignant spluttering next to him.
“Well if you’re planning on creating your own football team,” Claire says, “you’ll need to find someone else after the first two.”
Ben laughs then realizes Alex is still glaring at him and snaps his mouth shut.
“What’s wrong?” he asks
“What’s wrong? What do you think is wrong?” Alex turns to Matt. “What about mom and dad?”
“What about them?”
“They’re never going to be on board with this.”
“They’re never on board with any fucking thing,” Matt says. “Besides, I wasn’t planning on asking them their opinion.”
“Matt, I won’t –”
Matt holds his hand up to silence Alex and turns to Ben.
“You got whiskey? This needs something stronger than tea.
Ben agrees and goes in search of the bottle.
“Matt, I am not going to let you –”
“Oh, here we go,” Matt says. There’s an edge to his tone that makes Ben turn around and he’s surprised to see genuine anger on his brother-in-law's face. “You’re not going to let me what? Cut off all contact with our psychotic mother? And our more than useless father? Why not? Because you have some misguided sense of filial loyalty?”
“Matt I won’t be responsible for coming between you and them.”
Alex runs his hands through his hair, clasps them at the back of his neck and to Ben’s growing horror begins to rock. Matt leans forward, his face dark with anger.
“Alex, you’re my brother and I love you but Jesus you can be arrogant,” he says, his voice low and ragged. “Whether you like it or not, you’re already between us. But she did that, not you. You are not responsible for everything that happens in this family and you don’t get to choose how people feel about one another. I’ve watched that poisonous bitch beat you down your entire life and every time – every fucking time – I’ve tried to do something you’ve stopped me. And I’ve let you. What is it with you? Do you get some kind of sick satisfaction out of it? You didn’t do this. She did.”
“Matt this isn’t like sticking up for me because she doesn’t like my hair cut. It’s a lot more serious.”
“You think I don’t know that?”
“No!” Alex yells leaping up. “I don’t think you know that. You think you know what she’s like but you don’t really.”
Ben puts the scotch on the coffee table and reaches for Alex's hand. Makes a soothing sound in his throat and tries to get him to sit down but Alex shakes him off.
“She hates me, we know that. But she’s still your mother and she doesn’t hate you. You don’t have to go without a family just because of me. No, I won’t allow it.”
For a moment, Ben is sure Matt is going to throw a punch. From the speed with which Claire has moved to her husband’s side, it seems he’s not the only one.
“You sounded just like her then,” Matt says and Ben sees the words hit Alex harder than any blow. He staggers back and sit on the couch, his head in his hands as Matt continues. “I was twenty years old and all I wanted was for you to be safe, Alex. I thought I was protecting you but I didn’t know what she’d done. She let you try to kill yourself and you bargained your fucking life to protect me from knowing. That’s just wrong Alex and it has to stop.”
Alex is white, his body wracked with violent tremors, hazel eyes wide and terrified. Ben is reminded of the photos he has seen of cornered animals, frightened and desperate. Ben is sure Matt doesn’t understand the real reason for Alex’s fear. How terrified Alex is of losing his brother.
“Just before the wedding, she came in to the restaurant,” Matt says as he sits back down on the edge of the armchair, “and started in with her usual routine. How you had to be stopped. That as your brother it was my duty to try and stop you before you poisoned me and Claire and any chance we might have of a family. How even you know it’s wrong deep down, she’d seen it in your eyes that night. I probably wouldn’t have figured it out even then but as soon as she said it, her face gave her away. I asked her what she meant and she flipped out, screaming about how she knew she couldn't trust you to keep your end of the bargain. That she knew you couldn’t live a decent life. That you had done it all just to spite her and humiliate her. That she had seen it all in your eyes in the bathroom before she walked away. Then she asked me why I saved you.”
“Oh God,” Alex moans and Ben slides to his knees next to him, ignoring the protest from his thigh muscle. Rubs his back, murmuring over and over that it’s okay even though he knows Alex isn’t listening. And that it isn’t okay.
“I was so pissed at you when I figured it out. I wanted to come around here and beat the shit out of you myself for lying to me all this time. Claire thought I might be better taking it out on the punching bag at the gym,” he says and takes Claire’s hand. Ben gives her a grateful smile. “Damn near broke my hand doing it, but she was right.”
Matt stops and sips his scotch, rubs the side of his neck as he searches for the right words.
“All this time, I believed I was protecting you when in reality you were putting yourself in danger because you thought it was more important that I have a family? I have a fucking family, man – I have you and Claire and now Ben. I was twenty and I didn’t know what I was doing, I just wanted you to be safe. I thought I was doing the right thing by at least making her be a parent in the most basic sense. If I’d known what she did Alex, I swear I would have got you out of there. And if I’d known what you did, I would have stopped this ridiculous farce we’ve been a part of all this time. How can you bear to be near her? You owe her nothing.”
“I didn’t do it for her,” Alex says, his voice broken and barely audible. Ben moves up on to the couch and combs his fingers through Alex’s hair, trying all the things he knows normally calm the younger man.
“I know who you did it for, Alex,” Matt says. The anger is gone from his voice and he sounds tired and sad. “But it’s not your job to protect me. It never has been. You had no right to decide for me that she would be a part of my life, Alex. No matter how well intentioned you were. The price you paid was way too high – how am I supposed to live with that?”
Ben flicks his eyes to Matt and back to Alex, who is now looking at his brother with a mix of confusion and shame.
“You know, since you met Ben, I go to bed at night without worrying about you?” He runs a hand through his thinning hair in a gesture so like that of his brother’s that Ben does a double take. Matt looks at Ben before continuing.
“When I see how you look at him, I know he’ll be okay. He is finally out of her reach. You’ll never know how grateful I am to you for that. Especially now.”
“Even so,” Alex says, voice clogged with tears and fatigue, “she wouldn’t take what you’re suggesting quietly.”
“Alex, listen to me” Claire says, crawling forward to take his hands in her own, “Matt and I want to do this for you and Ben. You and I have been friends for a long time and we’re family. If you don’t want to do it because it makes you uncomfortable that I’m your sister-in-law or because you don’t want a kid with blonde hair and blue eyes whose likely to be a smart ass or because you want to adopt rather than use a surrogate, that’s fine. We get it. But don’t say no because of her. You deserve better than that. And so does Ben.”
Matt stands and puts his hands in his pockets.
“Look, obviously, this isn’t a decision you’re going to make on the spot, so we’ll leave you two to talk it over and think about what you want to do. You can give us a call when you’re ready.”
Alex stands up and takes a step toward Matt.
“I’m so sorry,” he says.
Ben hates the defeated sound of his voice, but Matt puts his arms around him and hugs him.
“You’ve been saying that your entire life, buddy, and it's time you stopped,” he says. “But Claire’s right, if you decide you don’t want to take up our offer, then do it for the right reasons and not because of that psychotic bitch okay?”
Alex nods. Ben follows them to the door. Hugs Claire and assures her they’ll call in a day or so. Just give them some time to sort their thoughts out.
◆◆◆
He locks the door behind them and goes to find Alex, expecting him to have gone to the bedroom. Instead he is sitting on the balcony with Bart, expression unreadable in the gloom.
“Hey,” Ben says from the doorway and when Alex doesn’t turn around, he goes over, nudges Bart out of the way and sits on Alex’s lap, hoping for a smile. Slips his arm around his waist when he doesn’t get one. “Hey, talk to me.”
For a moment, Alex is quiet, raises his hand when Matt and Claire, on their way to their car, turn and look up. Takes a shaky breath.
“Why do you love me?” he asks.
“Because you’re a good man,” Ben answers without hesitation. “You’re generous and kind and you make me laugh. I don’t think you have a mean bone in your body. I feel good when I’m with you. It doesn’t hurt that you have a great ass. Why?”
“Do you think I’d be a good father?”
“Yes.”
“Why?
“For all the reasons I just listed. And because I’ve seen you with the kids at the unit and know how great you are with them.”
“So, what do you think about their idea?”
Ben isn’t sure what to answer. Is Alex asking him what he thinks or is he hoping he’ll give him a way out by discounting the suggestion?
“I think,” Ben wriggles into a more comfortable position and rests his head against Alex’s shoulder, “that it’s very generous and very genuine and that we should consider it.”
“Why?”
Jesus, is he trying to train him for life with a toddler? How often can the man ask why like that?
“For all of the reasons they listed. We would know the egg donor and the surrogate. Easy access to medical history if we need it. We know Claire and Matt and they can be as involved as much or as little they like. If anything happens to us, at least the baby has a blood relative. There are a lot of good reasons to say yes, baby.”
“There’s one really good reason to say no,” Alex says lacing his fingers with Ben’s.
“Okay, listen to me,” Ben chooses his words with care, “we don’t have to do this. We can adopt. Or get another dog. You know that. But your brother is right. You don’t get to make other people’s choices for them. Your mother made her choice the night she left you in that bathroom. Matt has made his. He and Claire want to do something for someone they love very much and even if we say no, you don’t get to tell them that their choice doesn’t count. Or that they have no say in how they feel about your mother’s treatment of you. Or how I feel about what she did to you.”
Alex rests his chin on Ben’s shoulder and sighs.
“If we do this, she’ll be vicious,” he says. “Not just to me but to you and to Matt and to Claire.”
Ben sighs. He knows this is the real issue – Alex doesn’t care what Janice does to him, he knows she’d be happy to see him finish the job she pushed him to start when he was seventeen. The real issue is Alex can’t bear the idea of her turning her spite on the people he loves.
“Matt and Claire and I are quite capable of deciding how we want to deal with your mother; we don’t need you to decide for us,” Ben says. “And Alex, you married a lawyer. I’ll slap her with a fucking restraining order if I have to. It’s not like I don’t have one already drawn up and ready to go. Hell, I’d be more than happy to hit her with a civil suit for attempted murder.”
He twists his head around to kiss Alex who is trembling again.
“Besides, I thought you told me you're done not trying things just because you’re scared.”
“Oh God, why do you remember every little thing I say?’
“Because I’m a lawyer, it’s my job.”
“Do you really have an order drawn up and ready to go?”
“Yes. Did it after the first time I met her. You’re not the one who is wrong in this, baby, but you do have to make the choice to let it go. Trust me, I know.”
“I still want to talk about it before we decide. Just not tonight.”
“Noted.”
Ben stands up and pulls Alex up beside him. Bart follows them indoors and Alex shuts the door. Ben turns the lights off.
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