18
The second week apart is no easier and Alex is sitting on the steps when Ben pulls into the driveway early on Friday afternoon. Biting his lip, he gets out of the car and waits. Alex makes Ben sit beside him and holds his hand as he tells him Allie’s kidneys are shutting down and she was catheterized this morning. She’s slept much of the day but is awake and, for now, is good.
On Sunday afternoon, Ben decides he’ll stay the night and leave early in the morning to go to the office. When Alex realizes he’s not going to change his mind, he suggests Ben take Allie in her wheelchair for a short walk up the road. He hooks the IV on a smaller pole that he has attached to the back of the wheelchair, hooks the catheter collection pouch on the side, and helps get her settled, a blanket over her knees and her pink bonnet shading her face. Once they’ve gone, he stretches out on the couch, Bart asleep on the floor next to him, to read.
The front door crashing open wakes him fifteen minutes later. He rubs his eyes and yawns. Ben is coming in, Allie in his arms, curled against him, IV and catheter bag hooked over his fingers.
“Alex, something’s wrong” panic in Ben’s voice has Alex on his feet. “I can’t get her to wake up.”
“Okay, calm down, bring her into the bedroom,” Alex keeps his voice low and even, not wanting to rattle Ben more than he already is.
“I thought she’d just dozed off but she just won’t wake up.” Ben puts her on the bed.
“It’s probably just the morphine.” Alex lifts her eyelids. Or it might be the next stage starting, but he decides not to mention that yet. “Go and get me a bowl of warm water and a wash cloth and towel.”
When Ben starts moving, he turns back to Allie.
“Allie,” he gives her a firm shake, “hey Allie, are you awake sweetheart?”
She stirs and her eyelids flutter.
“Allie, I need you to wake up for me for a bit. Can you do that?”
Her eyes open all the way this time but are unfocussed. Ben sets the water and towels on the table next to him and steps back.
“Allie, come on sweetheart, I need you to wake up.” Alexrolls back her sleeve and peels off the morphine patch.
“Doesn’t she need that for the pain?” Ben asks, eyes wide and frightened.
“Not right now, no. Allie, are you in there?”
Allie opens her eyes again and this time Alex sees a flicker of recognition.
“Hey there, welcome back,” he says and smiles.
Her eye lids start to droop again.
“Allie, stay awake for me, sweetheart.” Alex taps her hand and she opens her eyes again. Looks at Ben and back to Alex. “It’s okay, he’s just making sure you’re alright.”
“Is there anything I can do?” Ben asks.
Alex stands and takes his elbow, leads him to the door.
“Make sure Polly is okay. Feed Bart. Get some ice-cream for your mom, about a spoonful is all. Order something for dinner for the rest of us.
He opens the door.
“What should I order?” Ben looks back over his shoulder at his mother.
“Ben,” Alex hates himself for being sharp with him but he needs Ben to focus, “you’re a successful criminal lawyer and the youngest partner in your firm, you can figure out what to order for dinner.”
Ben nods and leaves, shutting the door behind him and Alex goes back to the bed. Allie seems more aware of her surroundings and his heart sinks. The morphine patch hasn’t been off long enough to make a difference, suggesting the moment of disconnection wasn't brought on by the drug. He asks if she wants to get into bed since she’s so sleepy. Her voice is weak and she fights for breath but answers yes.
Being as gentle as he can, he undresses her and slips a clean nightgown over her head. Holds her up as he pulls the blankets back. When she’s in, he reattaches the IV and arranges the covers over the collection pouch. Some of the color is coming back into her face.
“So, you know the drill,” he says. “Can you tell me your name?”
“Alison Maree Larsen.”
“When were you born Alison Maree Larsen?” he asks and is happy when she smiles. Her voice is weak but she answers without hesitation.
“February seventeen, nineteen forty-nine.”
“And do you know who I am?”
“You’re my son-in-law, Alex.”
There’s a rap on the door and he looks at her to see what she wants to do. She nods and he calls out to come in. Polly enters, followed by Ben.
“And do you know who these two trouble makers are?” he asks.
“My mother Polly and my son, Ben,” Allie says.
“Good girl.” Alex rearranges her pillow. “They’re going to help you with some ice-cream and I’m going to get you some ice chips, okay?”
Polly sits in the armchair and lifts the spoon to Allie’s mouth. When she swallows without problem, Alex slips out of the room, Ben trailing behind him
“There’s pizza coming” Ben leans on the counter while Alex fills a glass with ice chips.
“Great,” Alex says and puts his arms around him. “I’m sorry I snapped at you.”
Ben shakes his head.
“No I know why you did it, it’s okay. I just got a fright when she wouldn’t wake up.”
“I know,” Alex says.
He holds Ben until the pizza arrives.
◆◆◆
At ten o’clock, when he's satisfied a now dozing Allie is breathing easily, Alex insists Ben get some sleep if he’s going to be up early to drive back to the city. Polly agrees and says she’ll sleep in the chair next to Allie’s bed, promising to call them on the monitor if she needs anything.
They lay for an hour, spooned together, talking in quiet voices, until Ben’s breathing becomes deep and regular. Alex presses a kiss to the back of his neck and closes his eyes. He’ll go down in a couple of hours to check on the two women and make sure Allie is still comfortable.
He opens his eyes before his phone alarm sounds, switches it off so it doesn’t wake Ben, slips out of bed and pulls a tee-shirt on over his pajama pants. As he opens the door Ben stirs and sit up, rubbing his eyes.
“It’s okay I’m just going to check on her, and make sure the pain pump is okay, go back to sleep,” Alex says. “I won’t be long.”
◆◆◆
Polly is asleep in the armchair, the patchwork quilt pulled to her chin and he smiles as he lifts Allie’s wrist to count her pulse. Allie opens her eyes.
“Hey, what are you doing awake?”
“Thirsty.” He has to strain to hear her voice.
“Okay, let’s get you some ice chips,” he says. Behind him Polly wakes and offers to go; he nods and thanks her.
“Can you tell me your name?” he asks Allie while they wait.
Allie gives her name and date of birth.
“And do you know who I am?”
“Yes, you’re Alex,” she licks her lips, “my nurse.”
He stops what he’s doing, hand stretched out reaching for the thermometer, and perches on the edge of the bed.
“What else am I, Allie?”
For a moment, she looks bewildered then her eyes clear.
“I think,” she lifts her head from the pillow, “you might be gay. That’s okay. My son is gay.”
Polly makes a small sound from behind him but he ignores her except to take the ice chips. Pats Allie’s hand and helps her put a chip in her mouth.
“What’s your pain like?” The lump in his throat makes it difficult to speak.
“It’s bad,” she says in a tired voice. “I wish it would stop.”
“I’m going to give you something for that soon, sweetheart, don’t worry,” Alex says and strokes her cheek.
“Thank you.” she closes her eyes and he thinks for a moment she's fallen asleep again. Then she opens them and smiles. “My son’s name is Ben. I’ll introduce you when he comes to see me.”
“I like the name Ben,” he tells her, blinking back tears. “Your mom is here, Allie, and she’s going to stay with you while I get you something for the pain.”
Gently he eases Polly into his place, thankful when he sees her eyes are dry, and goes to the kitchen. Takes a deep breath, finds the morphine, and takes it back to the bedroom. Once he’s sure it’s working without problem, he whispers to Polly, and runs upstairs.
The room is still dark but he knows Ben's awake. He sits on the bed next to him and laces their fingers together.
“Sweetheart, I don’t think you should go back to the city today.”
Ben's fingers tighten in his.
“I have to phone Doctor Adams and the nursing bureau,” Alex continues. “Do you want to get dressed and come downstairs?”
“Yeah.”
“Okay, she’s a bit confused about some things, so don’t panic if some of what she says doesn’t make sense.”
Alex flips the bedside lamp on and starts looking for some clothes. Ben blinks against the glare and sits up, looking like a lost child, which Alex supposes he is.
Taking care of Allie is the easy part for Alex, seeing Ben’s pain is much harder. He can do something to make it easier for Allie; there is little he can do for Ben and he hates that. Seeing he hasn’t moved, Alex hands Ben his shorts and tee-shirt.
“Ben, I have to go back down to your mom, so I need you to get dressed okay?”
Dazed, Ben stands up and pulls the tee-shirt over his head in silence. When he’s finished zipping his shorts, Alex hugs him and kiss the side of his head.
“I love you.”
◆◆◆
Allie is dozing when they get downstairs and Alex goes to make the phone calls. Ben watches him go, then sits next to Polly and puts his arm around her.
“You should get some sleep, grandma,” he whispers, not liking how pale she looks.
“At my age, sleep is for wimps, and that’s enough of that grandma shit, thank you.”
Ben snickers and rests his head on hers. They sit in silence, watching Allie and waiting. He hears the door swing open behind them, then Alex is there with mugs of tea. Wraps his hands around his mug and watches Alex adjust something on the IV and check Allie’s temperature with calm efficiency. None of this seems real and he’s torn between wanting it to be over and wanting to stop time.
At some point, Alex sits beside him and Ben leans his head on his shoulder, breathes in the smell of his shampoo and soap. When Doctor Adams arrives, Bart starts barking and Ben runs to pull the Labrador toward the kitchen. He and Polly take him down on to the sand while the Doctor goes to see Allie with Alex.
The sky is beginning to lighten and Ben checks his phone; it’s nearly five. He’ll wait another hour then phone Fiona and the senior partner, Bill Langley, to let them know what’s happening.
Polly shivers and he puts his arm back around her.
“Let’s get you back inside and warmed up,” he says and they turn back to the house. He makes sure the gates are closed and leaves Bart with a bowl of kibble in the courtyard, before joining Polly on the couch to wait for Alex to tell them they can go back in.
“I fucking hate cancer,” Polly says.
“Makes two of us old lady.” He drapes a blanket around her shoulders as the bedroom door opens.
When Alex and Doctor Adams come out Ben can see a third person in the room; the nurse from the bureau has arrived. Alex sits next to him and takes his hand.
“Ben, Polly,” Doctor Adams says, pinching his trousers and sitting down in the armchair. “As you probably know, pancreatic cancer can be slow to establish but it does tend to be fast moving once it hits the end stage. Very fast moving. And I’m afraid, Allie’s at the end.”
Polly’s nails dig into Ben’s arm but he’s glad of the pain, it gives him something to focus on. Tears are sliding down her creased face and he wonders how it’s possible for his heart to break any more than it already is.
“We were just at the Waterview having cocktails a week ago.” Ben doesn’t know why that's important but it seems to be. Doctor Adams nods as though it’s perfectly normal to discuss cocktails in this situation.
“She told me,” he says. “It sounds like she had a good time.”
“Is she awake?”
“Yes, and you can see her in a moment. Alex says he told you to be prepared she may be a bit confused and he’s right. Some things she’ll remember and some things she won’t. And it may come and go.”
“Is she…um...,” Ben takes a breath, makes himself ask, “is she in pain?”
“She’s not in much, I promise.” Alex squeezes his hand.
“We’ve increased her dosage so she’s comfortable,” Doctor Adams assures him. “I know it must seem very fast, but I’ve seen this a couple of times. They hold on for as long as they can, then it’s very quick. And I know it doesn’t seem it now, but really in many ways, it’s a good thing.”
Not trusting himself to speak, Ben nods.
“It’s not a good thing.” Polly says, her voice so quiet, they all strain to hear her. “Nothing about this disease is a good thing. It took my husband and now it’s taking my daughter before she can even see her granddaughter. Don’t you call it a good thing.”
“Polly-” Ben starts to say but Doctor Adams shakes his head.
“You’re right about that Polly, I’m sorry, that was clumsy of me,” he says. “I have to go for now, but you can call me if you need to and well, when the time comes of course.”
Ben stands with the Doctor and accompanies him to the front door. Shakes his hand, thanks him, and closes the door behind him. Polly is on her way to the bedroom already.
“I’ll phone Mrs Morris,” Alex says to him, pulling his phone out of his pocket.
“Why?” Ben’s not sure if it’s lack of sleep but nothing seems to make sense.
“Your mom arranged this already,” Alex says gently. “She’s going to come over to help with Polly.”
“Oh.” Benrubs his eyes. Nods. “Okay, I should phone Fiona and Langley.”
◆◆◆
The bureau nurse is quiet, speaks only to Alex, and stays on the other side of the bed. When Mrs Morris arrives, the nurse moves further back allowing her to sit with Polly next to the bed, leaving Alex and Ben on their own. Time drags them through the day, every now and then one of them going to get tea or to the bathroom.
Ben is holding her hand when Allie opens her eyes and smiles.
“Hey kid,” she whispers. “How are you feeling?”
“Me?” he asks in surprise. Alex squeezes his hand and he tries to think of something to say. “A bit stiff and not in the good way.”
This is a family show.” Allie smiles. She licks her lips and turns to look at Polly.
“Mom, you dyed your hair,” she points to Polly’s electric pink bob, “It’s pretty, I like it.”
“Good.”
“My stomach keeps hurting."
“I know honey, but it’ll stop soon.” Polly's voice cracks and Ben closes his eyes against tears, squeezes Alex's hand.
Allie nods.
“I know.”
She turns back to Ben; seems unaware of Alex’s presence.
“You used to always ask me why I didn’t put my awards out,” she says, “the ones I got for drawing houses. There’s a word for that but I can’t remember what it is.”
“Doesn’t matter, mom,” Ben says.
“No, I suppose not,” she gives him a weak smile. “I didn’t put them out because I always thought the best thing I ever did was you, Ben, and they didn’t want to give me an award for that.”
Her fingers find his wedding ring and she twists it on his finger.
“You’re married?” she looks confused.
“Yeah mom, remember? I married Alex.”
“Alex? My nurse’s name is Alex.”
“He must be hot.” Ben tries to smile.
“He’s very nice. He makes me laugh.”
“That’s good.” Ben swipes tears away with the back of his hand. “My Alex is nice too and he makes me laugh all the time. We’re going to have a baby girl.”
“Are you?” She looks at him for a moment and then he sees her eyes clear. “ Yes, I remember. Alison Claire?”
He nods.
“Yeah, Alison Claire.”
Her eyes move from Ben to Alex and back again. Back to Alex.
“You’re Alex,” she says.
“Yes, Alison Maree Larsen, I’m Alex.”
“You’re my nurse.”
“Yes, I am.”
She closes her eyes for a moment, then opens them again.
“Are you Ben’s Alex too?”
Alex nods.
“Yes Allie, I’m Ben’s Alex too.”
Allie smile.
“Good, I’m glad.”
She looks back at Ben.
“I’ve always been so proud of you.”
“I love you, mom.”
“Love you back, kid.”
She closes her eyes and squeezes his hand.
Ten minutes later she seems agitated and Ben leans forward to reassure her. The nurse adjusts the morphine pump and she settles again. Her breathing is slow and Ben finds himself watching her face as he recites in – out – in – out – in – out - in – out – in – out – in – out …
“Mom?” he says. Turns toward Alex. “Alex?”
Alex signals the bureau nurse and Mrs Morris leads a sobbing Polly from the room.
“Baby?” he says again, not wanting to believe it.
◆◆◆
The undertaker and his assistant arrive seconds after Doctor Adam. Alex sits with Ben on the couch, holding his hand, and rubbing his back and they stand when the undertaker’s assistant backs out of the room, pulling the gurney with Allie on it.
“What are they doing?” Ben asks, dread replacing the resignation in his eyes.
“It’s okay, Ben,” Alex soothes, putting his arms around him. “They’re going to take good care of her.”
“What are they doing? Where are they taking her?” He’s yelling now and pulling against Alex’s arms. “Mom!”
“Ben, look at me, not them, look at me.” Alex holds Ben’s face so he’s forced to look at him while they leave. “I promise you, it’s okay, they’ll take good care of her.”
Alex knows what is going to happen a split second before it does and it’s just enough time. Ben’s knees give way and Alex manages to catch him before he goes down. Uses all his strength, to pull him back to the couch and gather him in against his chest.
“I’ve got you, it’s okay, I’ve got you,” he murmurs.
◆◆◆