Chapter Fifteen
Ramsay
I was holding a glass of wine that had an odd aftertaste, standing against a wall watching the goings on. Mad was seated behind a table with a stack of books in front of him to sign. He’d spoken for about ten minutes before taking his seat. People were lined up for him to autograph their books.
Personally, I thought the event was set up entirely wrong. First of all, I would have put Mad near the front of the room so that as people enter they could get their book and then move on. This way, the line bisected the rectangular room and someone had shoved several small sofas and wing chairs against the walls. I wanted to grab a stack of sticky notes and start asking the people who they wanted the book personalized to. That way this thing would run more smoothly.
Stop it. I had to quit trying to fix everything else, when I needed to mend myself.
Osi approached, his mother had asked if she could borrow him to meet some friends and former co-workers. “You doing okay?” His eyes started at my head and swept to my toes and returned to meet mine. “I can see if they have anything better to drink.”
“This is for decoration.” I held the glass up a little higher.
“Ramsay, I see somebody that you should meet.” Sapphira joined us. She dropped her voice, “Old Charleston family and I hear she never gets rid of anything.” Her eyes filled with excitement. “Sounds like your type, right?”
I’d created a monster. She’d taken me shopping today for a few hours. We’d each bought a quilt and then she took me a vintage store. She was bowled over when the owner recognized my name. Since that moment, Sapphy was now my new business agent. “I’d love to meet her.” I gave Osi a nod and he managed to pat my ass as I walked away with him mother.
I tried to be a good guest, some might say that I’ve been a professional guest when I traveled with Ollie and Bean but I felt at home with Mad and Sapphy. Osi’s mother was waiting with a list of questions for me at breakfast but I had some for her also. What I liked was that she asked about Ollie and Bean and also about my travels and plans for the business. It was like she understood that I was made up of many parts.
When we got back from our shopping, I’d ended up on the patio with Mad and I couldn’t help taking a photo and sending it to Bean. He wasn’t looking forward to the signing but he understood that it was part of the job and once a year, he did a reading to help raise funds for the college.
“You’ll have to let me know the date for your next reading because Ollie and Bean will want to come.” I curled my legs under me in the huge wicker rocker.
“I’d like to meet your people. They sound interesting.” Mad lit a cigar after asking my permission with a hand gesture.
“I think you’d like them. Bean has always liked poetry and Ollie, well he can tell a beautiful story. He claims it’s because he’s Irish but I think the brogue only adds to his content.”
“Maybe Sapphy and I should do something about meeting your people.” I must have looked puzzled because he added quickly, “Isn’t that what you do when the children are serious.”
“We’re not…I mean…” I huffed. “Mad, I honestly don’t know what I mean.”
He chuckled and with his deep voice it was melodic and calming. “I get what you mean.”
I was pretty sure that he didn’t but I was too polite to say so.
He puffed on his cigar a few times. “It becomes hard when you think about it, doesn’t it?” He gave me an encouraging smile. “Love, relationship, marriage, when you put a label on it, that’s when you gut starts to knot up and you begin to fantasize about packing a bag and moving on.”
“I never wanted those things,” my voice sounded husky.
“No, you never thought you deserved those things as you call them.”
I felt my eyes go big and I locked my jaw shut before I could ask him what he meant.
“I know Osi pretty well. Not that he confides in me or that we have long confessionals, but I’ve watched him for a number of years and this is what I know. He knows himself very well. If he has been with you for months then he believes that you are the one. He isn’t the type to be with a woman in hopes of learning to love her. No, he’s chosen you and now it’s time for you to decide.”
“You make it sound like I don’t have a choice. That since he’s…he’s picked me that it’s a done deal.” I cried and then felt embarrassed because I over-stated things.
“Ramsay, you will always have a choice. Osi will want you to make the decision to be his mate, his partner. Because that’s what he wants, his equal.”
I felt my throat tighten and the now too familial burn behind my eyes. I swallowed and then cleared my throat “Did he ask you to say something to me?”
“Really? If he’d asked me don’t you think that I’d have made it a presentation, with flowery words and descriptive passages? No, I was just making an observation.”
I started to giggle, perhaps a little hysterically. “Flowery passages. Osi. That would be hilarious.” God, the first time my badass had said something sweet, I wanted to pinch myself to make sure that I wasn’t dreaming.
“But you must see it, the way his eyes sharpen and soften when he looks at you.” Mad continued. “Words aren’t the only way for us to show another that we care. Sometimes, it’s the way they bring peace to your very loud life.” His smile had become smaller but his blue eyes sparkled. “Sapphy makes me laugh and she reminds me that there is beauty in the struggle. I know that she’s the only one to give that.”
“And quilts.” I teased.
“I’m thankful that it isn’t cats. Otherwise, we’d have a houseful.”
Somehow I doubted that he’d mind that either.
Mrs. Lucas George had a slow way of speech and the most beautiful skin that I’d ever seen. She had to be in her seventies but she was still gorgeous. Sappy had been very savvy during her introduction of me. She tagged me as a student of fashion history. I was starting to see where Osi’s craftiness came from.
I said my goodbye with an invitation to call upon Mrs. George when I visited Charleston next. This customer would take some developing but I was intrigued and I like the cultivation process. It was like a dance,
Osi was in a conversation with a couple. He held out his hand to me as I approached. After introductions, he excused us. “So Mad and mom are spending the night here in town so that means that we have the house to ourselves.” He flashed a quick smile.
“You aren’t going to want to do anything kinky like have sex in there bed are you.” I whispered to him.
“You say that like it’s a bad thing.” He replied with a serious expression.
“We aren’t doing that.” I told him hotly.
“Then I’ll have to think of something else.” He wrapped his arm around my back and headed in the direction of Mad and Sapphy so we could say our goodnights.
When we got back to the house, I kicked off my shoes and then headed to the kitchen. “Want me to make you something to eat?” We’d stopped at a restaurant near the college campus for dinner but the service was taking too long so we left after our appetizer.
“No, I’m good.” He came up behind of me and wrapped his arms around my waist.
“You sure?”
“I’m going to grab a beer.” He dropped kiss on the back of my neck.
“Okay, grab one for me.” I was contemplating finding something to eat. I’d think about it again after the beer. That would put me over my calorie allowance.
Osi grabbed the bottles and I followed him to the living room. He sat down on the sofa and I joined him, leaning against him.
“Thank you.” He opened my bottle s handed it to me.
“You’re welcome for whatever your thanking me for.”
He opened his bottle and then took a drink. “This feels right. You, me coming home, having a drink, talking.” He settled deeper into the sofa.
I gripped my bottle tighter. “I told you from the start.” I went straight to angry. “I didn’t mislead you.”
“You’re angry,” he observed.
“You’re putting me on the spot.” I countered.
“Ramsay, I love you. I want a life with you.” He leaned forward and put his bottle on the table. “There, I said it plainly.”
I couldn’t seem to breathe. There was a boulder on my chest.
“You are right, you’ve made no promises. You’ve done everything possible to keep me at arm’s length but it hasn’t worked.”
My throat was burning.
“I know that you believe that something is holding you back. Something terrible, well babe I don’t know what it can be. I mean, I’ve killed people, I’ve nearly beaten a few to death with my own hands. I’ve robbed, fought and didn’t give a shit. I don’t think there’s anything that you could tell me that would make me stop loving you.”
He was so wrong.
“Just tell me, Ramsay. Let me be the judge of sin.” He urged.
I sat up and scooted to the other end of the sofa. I took a long pull on the beer.
“How bad could it be?” He challenged looking me squarely in the eye.
I took in a deep breath and it hurt my ribs in preparation. A part of me wanted to say it out loud. To prove to him that I was an awful person. “I killed my baby.”
“You what?” he roared.
“I…killed,” my voice shook but I kept eye contact. “My…baby.”
“Explain from the beginning.” He turned his body slowly so that he was leaning against the corner of the sofa.
“I didn’t know that I was pregnant but I contributed to her…or his death.” God, I wasn’t far enough along for the doctors to know the sex.
“What happened?”
“I was married.”
“You were what?” He rushed his words.
I used the hand that wasn’t holding the beer to wipe my mouth and then I ran my palm over my face. “I need to start at the beginning.”
He nodded.
“I dated a guy while I was in college. Our families knew one another and so we socialized some. By then my parents had a home in Phoenix and Barkley was from there.” I needed to get rid of the bottle. My hand was shaking so I put it on the floor beside the sofa. “The summer after graduation, I was trying to decide if I was going back for my Masters or what my next move would be. Because I was dating Barkley, my parents had invited me to stay with them.” I had to pause to lick my dry lips. “Our relationship hadn’t recovered from the whole Bean and Ollie thing, so I wanted the chance to reestablish ties.”
“That’s understandable,” Osi was sitting very still but his eyes were drilling holes into me.
“They were so happy that I was dating Barkley. You see, my dad wanted to do some business deal with his dad and my mom wanted to get into some club and well, his mom could help.” I chewed on my lip for a moment trying to put list the order of events. “It all sounds so dumb but you see, social standing is really important to my parents.” No he probably didn’t see.
“So at the end of the summer, I’d made plans to go to Michigan to get my Masters and then Bradley did this huge production of a proposal. He had fireworks and got down on one knee and all. I got caught up in it.” I frowned at my stupid actions.
“You were young and you wanted your parents approval.” Osi reasoned.
“All of that is true but I was also being selfish.” I rolled my eyes at myself. “I liked having their attention. I mean, it was like the need took over.”
He nodded.
“So I stayed in Phoenix, had a small yet tasteful wedding. I think that I wanted to keep it small because I knew that it was a mistake.”
“What did Billie say?”
I dropped my head and shook it once, “She doesn’t know. I’ve never told her.” I labored to swallow again and then I slowly raised my head to face him.
“Babe,” he breathed. His eyes were sad.
“She wasn’t a fan of Barkley’s and I couldn’t’ tell her. So I got married without the three people that I loved most.”
“Sweetheart, right there that tells me that you know that it was a mistake. I know you and you’d want your best-friend and your sister and Ollie there on that important day.” His tone was gentle.
“His parents bought us a house on a golf course and I started working at a local TV station. Nothing big, I did some random “on scene” reports but basically I worked in with the editing people. Of course, his family wanted me on camera so I was doing more and more work.”
“You’re photogenic so I imagine that you were good at it.”
“It gave me a good excuse to stay out of the house.” I stood up and started to pace. “I knew that I’d made a terrible mistake about two weeks after the honeymoon.” When he didn’t say anything, I started to move again. “Barkly drank and smoked pot at school. But he had a real problem with addiction. I don’t mean a quiet problem like Layla’s first husband, I mean he was a mean drunk and when he did other things, he was out of control.”
“Did he hurt you?”
I couldn’t form the word. It took me two tries to answer, “Yes.”
Osi blinked several times but the vein at his temple became more noticeable.
“We fought.” I wrapped my arms around my chest as I walked. “I don’t mean we just argued, I mean we got physical.” I was going to tell him everything. “I wanted him to go to treatment. He “worked.” I made finger quotes. “For his dad’s BMW dealership so he basically played golf and went to parties. That didn’t help. Plus he was fucking around and not doing much to cover it up.”
“A total ass.” Osi agreed.
“He hit me with a closed fist and cracked my cheekbone.” I called my parents from the E.R. and they took me to a hotel. That’s when they told me that all of this was my fault. Barkley was from a good family and I needed to learn to live with his excesses.” An inhuman noise came from deep in my chest.
“So your parents told you that shit instead of getting you away from that guy?” Osi’s voice was ice cold.
“Even back then, I knew that part of domestic abuse was the mental part but at the time I didn’t see it I went back because Barkley promised that he’d seek treatment and he made promises.”
I stopped behind the large wing chair and leaned on its tall back. I dug my fingers into the cushioned headrest. “That lasted about two weeks. Then it got even worse.”
I felt all of the muscles tense in my body as I prepared to tell the next part. “I called Bean and told her what was happening. She and Ollie were going to come the next day. I was going to file for divorce and get away.”
“They were going to help.” Osi prompted me.
“Right before I hung up, Bean said, ‘Well thank God, that you aren’t pregnant.’ I’d had an IUD inserted because if I was pregnant with Barkley’s child, that family would have hounded me to the end.”
“Sounds like you were surrounded by assholes.”
“After Bean said that, I remember this perfectly. I said, ‘If I was, I’d kill myself and the baby.’” I took in another ragged breath, “That night Barkley was home and he knew something was up. I went upstairs to pack a bag. I was going to a hotel to get away from him. We, we fought. I don’t remember if he grabbed my arm or I pushed him first. I broke free and made my way to the steps and he caught me by my hair.” I realized that I was holding my hair in a ponytail with my hand so I dropped it and continued. “I went down the steps backward.”
“Jesus Ramses.”
“I was unconscious and it must have scared him because he called for an ambulance. He took off and I woke up in the hospital. I had a couple of broken bones and a killer headache. Two days later, Ollie told me that I’d miscarried.”
“Babe.” He started to get up.
“No,” I shook my head. I didn’t want pity or compassion. “I wished it, Osi.” It felt like I was breaking apart. I started the wail.
His arms were around me and I was holding onto his shirt. I have no idea how long he stood there holding me.
I finally cried so much that I didn’t have any more tears.
He picked me up and carried me to our room and sat down on the bed with me across his lap. “Shh.” He made the sounds that help you calm down.
“I know that you’re going to say that it wasn’t my fault but it was.” I said firmly. “I married somebody that I didn’t love. I should have stopped the wedding. Then I should have moved away.”
“You were young and didn’t have any support.” He told me as he smoothed my hair from my face.
“I fought him.” I argued. “I know that the reason that our fights got so bad was because I hit back. It escalated things.”
“Did some counselor tell you that?” His voice was angry. “Make you feel like this or some part of this was your fault?”
“I don’t need anyone to tell me that I was wrong. I know that.”
“Did you talk to somebody after? An abuse counselor or a shrink?” He continued to stroke my hair.
“No. When I got out of the hospital, I went with Ollie and Bean to Palm Springs for a while.” I admitted.
“So you’ve never talked to a professional about any of this?” He spoke more slowly.
“No. I didn’t want to and then, I couldn’t. Plus they can’t change anything. I caused my baby to die.” My voice shook.
“Honey, you’ve missed a step. By talking to an expert, they would have made you see that you didn’t kill your child.”
“I said it and then it came true.” I closed my eyes and rested my forehead against his chest.
“You made a remark to your sister. You didn’t know that you were pregnant. You were trying not to become that way. What you said was a reaction. We’ve all said dumb shit but just because we say it…it doesn’t mean that we want it to come true.”
“The baby. God, the last time, the time that he…well I didn’t want…”I was crying again. “But I would have loved the baby. I would have.” I promised him.
“Honey, Ramsay,” He wiped my cheek. “Of course you would have loved your baby. You were in a terrible situation, trapped by a string of circumstances. It wasn’t your fault.”
I wrapped my arms around his neck and he lifted my body so that I was now straddling him. I couldn’t get close enough. He was my lifeline. I tried to burrow closer to him. “I did everything wrong.”
“No.” He held me tightly. “You might not have done everything right but I don’t think anybody is prepared to live with a person that has an addiction.”
“I was scared and embarrassed and, and I didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t tell Billie because she would be mad about the whole thing and Bean and Ollie…I didn’t want to be a burden.”
“Ramsay, you’ve been on your own since you were a kid. It’s not a shock that you don’t know how to ask for help.”
“You don’t understand,” I cried. He didn’t get it. He would once he thought about it. He lost a son but he wasn’t there, I was there, I said those damning words.
“No babe, you don’t and you haven’t for a very long time.”
I started to struggle to get free.
“Stop. Just stop a second and listen to me, Ramsay.” He used a tone that I’d never heard again. It made me go rigid. “You aren’t responsible for your miscarriage. You got knocked down a set of steps. If you didn’t know that you were pregnant, then your husband didn’t either. It was a horrible accident…for the both of you.”
“But,” I tried to interrupt.
“Ramsay,” he spit my name sharply. “You can do all kinds of things but baby, you can’t wish death upon somebody. I mean if you could, think of all of the idiots that you would have killed by now.”
Fuckin’ Osi. He made me laugh. I couldn’t believe that I was doing it but I was.
He watched me laugh. When I quieted, he asked, “What happened to the guy?”
That sobered me immediately. “He ran that night. He got a hotel room in Vegas and he overdosed on booze and every pill he could get his hands on.”
“That’s also not your fault.” He told me seriously.
“Well his parents and mine see it differently.” I wiped my cheeks and was surprised to find them dry now. “Later on, I found out that there was a history of mental illness in his family. Ollie thinks that he might have been self-medicating and things got out of control. I guess his uncle and grandfather had all done time in a mental hospital.”
“And nobody thought to tell you? Jesus, people kill me.” He was outraged.
“I didn’t take anything from that family. I gave them back all of Barkley’s stuff and I gave everything else to charity. Ollie went to Phoenix and handled things with the attorneys. I’ve never been back.”
“You should have burned that house to the ground and roasted marshmallows in celebration and then had Ollie piss on it to put out the flames.”
“I can’t forget,” I said somberly.
“Ramsay.”
I couldn’t look at him.
He put his hand under my jaw and gently raised my chin. “Ramsay, you shouldn’t forget. You lost a part of you. But the blame, it’s misplaced. You blame the accident not yourself.”
“I should have kept the baby safe.” I told him.
“Honey, I get that. I think about that every day.”
I dropped my eyes because of Isaiah.
“But if I had stuck around in the neighborhood, we both know that I would have turned out very differently and I can’t guarantee that he still wouldn’t be dead. Legz was doing business, that could have been me under different circumstances.”
“But,” I couldn’t stop arguing although he’d made sense.
“Babe, you’ve carried this for too long and I know that you can’t just change your way of thinking but I promise you…on everything that I hold close and on Isaiah’s soul that your miscarriage wasn’t your fault.”
I let out a labored breath.
“Have I ever lied to you?”
I shook my head “no.”
“Then you have to believe me. Babe, you’re killing yourself with the guilt.”
My “But,” was weaker this time. “I’ve hurt people.” I meant back then.
“Yeah, it’s going to kill Billie when you tell her. She’s going to hurt for you and for your child and that you couldn’t ask for her help.”
A part of me never wanted to tell her. Our friendship had already hit a snag and I wasn’t sure how she would react to this.
“You have to tell her. I see that look in your eye. No more running from a past that wasn’t your fault.” He told me with authority.
“She’ll hate me.” I blurted.
“No, she’ll be angry and then hurt but she won’t hate you. She knows that hate only tethers you to that person. She’ll get over it and then you two can finally move forward.”
I looked at him skeptically.
“Babe, trust me.” He hugged me.
I wanted to.