“Colt! Colt! Looka meee,” Madison squeals with delight as she squirms down the hip-height slide.

“Great job, honey,” I cheer her on and am instantly rewarded with her toothy grin.

“I did it!” She claps her tiny hands together in delight. “Just like a big girl.”

“You sure did, kiddo.”

“No, Colt. I not a kiddo. I’m a Madison.”

“Yes, you are.” I try to keep a straight face at her indignant tone. “You did a great job, Madison.”

Satisfied with my correction, she runs surprisingly fast on her short legs back up the ramp to climb to the top of the slide again.

“It’s so nice to have the family together,” Lisa says dreamily while she watches her daughter play.

Looking up at Madison’s beaming smile, it’s hard to argue. Even if the circumstances aren’t ideal. “It’s nice to see her.” I nod. “You know, you don’t need to start a crisis to get me to visit, Lisa. I have no problem visiting regularly if that’s what you want.”

“What do you mean ‘start a crisis,’ huh?” She snaps from her peaceful state.

Here we go. “Okay, that was bad phrasing. I just mean I can visit for more than emergencies.”

“I’m sorry, but how is firing an abusive thief of a nanny ‘creating a crisis’ exactly?” She bulldozes over me. “She was abusing her!”

Other parents in the park dart their eyes toward us, pretending not to take notice of her soaring voice.

She isn’t well. She has a disease. You wouldn’t get angry at someone for having cancer. I remind myself for probably the tenth time today alone. Lisa’s moods haven’t been stable since the day I met her, but the drinking has taken it to a whole new level. She’s absolutely intolerable on her best days now, and when I have the pleasure of dealing with them it just sets my heart on fire to know this is the kind of mother Madison is stuck with. Fucking courts, since when did being a woman automatically make you a good mother?

I want to grab her by her shoulders and give her a shake, to point my finger in her face and tell her I’m sick of her bullshit. Nobody believes her abuse stories. Nobody believes just about anything that comes out of her fucking mouth. Yet, I remain stoic. There’s no amount of shoulder shaking or yelling in the world that will make Lisa see reality for what it is.

“Okay, okay.” I hold up my hands in surrender. In my heart, I know there’s no other choice than to wave the white flag when she gets like this. It’s a slippery slope to the bottom of the rabbit hole.

“It sounds like you made the right call then. You needed to do what was best for Madison and you did it.” I praise her insanity and want to choke on the lies and bile rising in my throat.

“I’m just trying to help you out, Lisa. I don’t want to fight, okay? The offer is on the table that if you need me to be around more, we’ll make that work. It’s up to you if you take it or not.”

Watching Madison twirl around the park in circles gives me mixed emotions. On the one hand I’m happy—no, I’m thrilled she doesn’t seem to understand the instability in her life yet. However, on the other hand, I literally have to choke back tears when I realize that with each passing day she’s closer to finding out. I just hope that when the day comes that twirling in the playground is no longer enough to take away all her troubles, I’m awarded custody of her. Lord help her if she’s still in Lisa’s care when she finally realizes, or even worse, questions how messed up she is.

Lisa’s sniffling draws my attention away from my girl. “You know, sometimes I see her like this, and I think we’d be better off with Jesus. Like, I need to keep her from learning about all the wickedness in the world. You know what I mean?” She implores, her cloudy eyes searching my face. My veins frost over as I try to make sense of what she’s saying.

Better off with Jesus?

I try to think before I speak, to add some element of rational thought into Lisa’s brain. “You know…” I furrow my brow, searching for the right words. The perfect words. “Just because there is wickedness doesn’t mean Madison will fall into it. You’re raising a strong girl, right? I’m sure you’re teaching her how to avoid the people who don’t have good intentions.”

Lisa throws her arms around my neck so tight, I gasp for air. Her sobs fill the space around us as she buries her head in my jacket. “That’s just it!” She cries. “I can’t teach her how to avoid those people. I am those people! I’m filled with the same darkness I want to hide her away from.”

“I’m sure you’re just being hard on yourself.” I try to comfort her, or myself. Either way, I don’t think it’s working. “If you really feel that way, I can help you find some help, you know. I don’t mind. In fact, I’d be really happy to set it all up for you…”

Her tears dry up, and her blue eyes turn icy as her mood changes again. Dropping her arms from my neck, she crosses them across her chest like she’s trying to fold in on herself. Glancing over at Madison, her smiling face tells me she hasn’t picked up on her mother’s meltdown. Thankfully.

“I appreciate that, Colt.” Her voice blasts my ears like an arctic breeze. “But there’s no help you can find me that will make any difference. It’s too late for me.” Her chin trembles and her eyes fill back up with more waterworks. I’m starting to wonder if I should start recording these conversations. Surely this level of instability would be admissible in a court case? I know I’ve brought it up to Frank before, but there must be some kind of loophole we can exploit. “I think the devil is in me at times.” She whispers so low that I run the statement through my mind several times before fully understanding the gravity of what she’s saying.

“Oh?” Try to sound supportive. Cool. Calm. Not like you’re freaking out. “How’s that?” It takes all of my effort to sound nonchalant and to try to keep judgement from my tone.

“Well, I try to stay away from the bottle. You know that.” She looks over at me, and I nod, but I have my doubts. “But he keeps dragging me back down into sin. And it’s getting worse. I make so many mistakes, but I think the devil takes me over, you know? He must because I wake up the next day and don’t remember hours and hours of the night before. It’s just gone. Poof!” She opens her hand like a magician throwing sparkles at a kid’s birthday party. “But his mistakes aren’t gone. The spending, the partying, the men.” Fat tears fall onto her cheeks as she disappears into her fragmented memories.

“Lisa, that’s just a blackout. Everyone who drinks a lot—er, everyone has dealt with that from time to time.” I try to prop her up. There’s no use in tearing her down, not when she still has so much control over Madison’s destiny. The best thing to do is make Lisa feel good about herself and insulate her with as much external help as possible. I still need to sort out another nanny too.

“Colt! Come here.” Madison jumps excitedly in the sand, interrupting our conversation. In a way, I’m grateful for the distraction. “Help me on the swing. Come here.” She insists, pointing at the smaller set of swings setup for toddlers across the park.

“I’ll be right there, baby.” I look over at Lisa, but she’s back to her almost drugged state, with hazy eyes and a dreamy smile.

I take my blessings where I can get them and decide to play with Madison while she’s in a slightly more stable state of mind. If you can call it that.

“Okay, Madison! Let’s get you on that swing, honey.” I head over to the prancing, two-year-old bundle of energy.

“No, Colt. I not a honey! I’m a Madison.” She points to her little belly.

“You’re right, Madison.” I laugh this time, unable to contain it. I need to do right by her. I need to figure out how to wrangle custody away from her crazy mother. She deserves more than this.

So much more.