Chapter Three
Flora
I still couldn’t believe I was sitting right next to Johnny, in his house. It seemed almost dreamlike, or maybe that was my emotions coming through in crippling waves, making me feel like a giddy teenager who’d just gotten asked to the prom. Maybe I was still in shock from the near accident.
I glanced over at him, seeing the way his huge body seemed to take up the couch, how his jaw was set hard, his dark hair almost inky in the shadows that played across his features. My hands were shaking as I leaned forward and grabbed the beer off his coffee table. I took a drink, the beer semiwarm, but the alcohol exactly what I needed in this moment. A little liquid courage would go a long way in helping me feel normal, and not like I was walking on this tightrope.
I still couldn’t believe I’d agreed to spend time with him, not because I didn’t want to, but because I was so damn nervous I knew I’d make a fool out of myself. My emotions when he’d asked me had been running high, had been threatening to burst free. I can still remember him holding me, his hands gripping me tightly, his arm around mine like a band.
I never wanted him to let me go, never wanted to envision myself not close to him. It was a shame it had been because of that situation, of some probably drunken assholes driving too fast and not giving a shit.
* * *
The movie that was playing was lost on me. I couldn’t even explain what it was about because my mind was so consumed with the fact that I was actually here with him. Every time I inhaled I smelled him, that woodsy yet slightly spicy and citrusy aroma that made me feel drunk.
I cleared my throat and tried to focus on the TV. It was safer that way, because as far as I knew he was just being friendly. I felt like I was in this alternate dimension, one I’d only ever dreamed about, but never actually thought I’d get to experience.
It was hard not to glance at him, and so I did. I wanted to tell him how I felt, saw it all playing out in my head, how I’d be smooth about it, poetic even. But I knew I didn’t have the guts to say anything. So, even though I wanted to tell him I loved him, I instead told him the first thing that came to mind.
“You really didn’t have to invite me back.” I meant to have it sound like he didn’t need to help me out, maybe thinking I’d be lonely...which I would have been. But it came out more like I didn’t want to be here. “Um, God, that came out weird.” I attempted to smile, but it felt forced, which probably meant it looked like that too.
Johnny looked over at me, one of his dark eyebrows rising, a smirk on his face. “I wanted to invite you over, Flora. I didn’t want you to be alone after that. And you would have been, right?” he asked gently.
I nodded slowly.
“You don’t have someone to be there for you, a...boyfriend?” His voice got deeper on that last part.
I licked my lips and shook my head. “No, I don’t have anyone, Johnny.” My cheeks got hot, and my heart started racing.
“That’s real good, Flora.”
I felt something shift between us, so I smiled, but I felt like it might look awkward again, so I faced the TV. I tried to focus on the movie, but the notion of Johnny so close to me, the heat coming from him, and how he smelled so damn good made concentrating nearly impossible. “You’re not with anyone?” I felt my throat tighten uncomfortably. I glanced at him once more.
He was already looking at me. He shook his head slowly, his eyes lowering to a half-lidded expression. My body was on fire at this point, my pussy wet, my muscles contracting.
We sat in silence for the rest of the movie, and I held my now empty beer bottle, the glass warmed from my hands. A part of me was trying to work up the courage to just say what I wanted to say. Keeping my secret was tiring, stressful, and left this void in me that I loathed. Even if he didn’t want anything with me—which I expected—admitting I loved him couldn’t be any worse than how our things were playing out now. He could shut me down, turn me away. It wasn’t like we’d been close. And that one moment, that little blip in time where we’d sat beside each other, our families seeming miles away, had meant more to me than he’d ever know.
The words played through my head like a broken record.
I love you, Johnny. I’ve loved you since I was a girl and my teenage feelings consumed me. I’ve wanted you in my life, as mine, for more years than I even want to admit to myself. Please tell me you feel the same way, that this love isn’t only coming from me.
In that moment I was very aware of my surroundings, of how my body reacted to having Johnny so close. I felt myself heat further when I thought about how he would feel touching me, taking my clothes off...taking my virginity. I could picture him being wild, untamed.
I became even more aware of Johnny sitting beside me. I looked over at him, hoping he hadn’t noticed that I kept glancing his way. His chest was rising and falling faster, a little harder than normal. I felt like it wasn’t just me affected by being together, that maybe, just maybe he was feeling something too.
Or maybe it was wishful thinking that Johnny would see me as anything more than the daughter of family friends.
His body was so hard, so powerful. He was the biggest man I’d ever seen, with muscles stacked on top of each other. And then he turned and stared right at me. Our gazes locked, the electricity and chemistry slamming into me like a tidal wave. And while the seconds ticked by I felt beads of perspiration dotting my skin as my body reacted the only way it knew how where Johnny Ash was concerned.
I was wet, my panties damp, my body ready for what I wanted Johnny to do to me. Surely friends didn’t react this way to each other.
I licked my lips and saw the way Johnny lowered his gaze, watching what I did. The longer we stared at each other, the more the blood rushed through my veins, the pressure in my body becoming almost unbearable.
Before I said anything, Johnny was standing, his body tense, his muscles contracted. He stared at me for a second, and panic engulfed me. I watched as he left the room, and wondered if I should leave, too, just bury my head in the sand and hope this wouldn’t haunt me for the rest of my life.
But I couldn’t move, and sitting there, wondering how much further my foot could go into my mouth, it played through my mind: God, please don’t let this ruin everything.