CHAPTER NINETEEN
When Ryan entered the family room, he found his little sister making out with some big, long-haired dude. The surprise of it had him slamming his shin into the edge of the coffee table.
At the sound, Nicole jerked away from the guy. Her boyfriend—Dylan, if he recalled—pulled his hand out of her shirt looking a little dazed but not the least bit embarrassed. His sister sat up—never leaving the guy’s lap. “Oh, hey.” She straightened her shirt. “Sorry.”
One half of the dude’s mouth hitched up in a smile. With an arm around her back and the other under her legs, the guy got up and set Nicole on her feet. He reached a hand to him. “Dylan McCaffrey.”
“I met you over Christmas break, right?” He gave him a chin nod. “Ryan.”
The guy didn’t reveal much of anything. Just nodded. “How’s it going?”
Hadn’t Dylan dumped his sister on New Year’s Eve? He remembered hearing something about it. Guess they’d worked it out. “Better, now that Brandon’s home. That was some scary shit.”
“It was.” Nicole blew out a breath, and the guy wrapped an arm around her waist, tugging her against him.
That possessive gesture made Ryan ache for Sophie. She’d only responded to one text, when he’d told her about his brother.
Sorry about your brother. Hope he’s okay.
Even after he’d told her Brandon had come home, she hadn’t responded. He needed to see her. Too much time was passing. “You guys good? School going okay?”
Nicole reached for Dylan’s hand. “It’s all right. I think we’re heading back in an hour or so. We just want to make sure Brandon’ll be okay.”
Ryan nodded. “Looks like he’s fine.”
“Well, not fine.” Nicole didn’t look pleased with him.
“Is there a problem?”
“Of course there’s a problem, Ryan. I just don’t think dad’s going to do anything about it.”
“What’s he supposed to do?”
She let out an impatient breath. “Brandon obviously needs help, and Dad’s just going to let him go back to school like nothing happened.”
He gave a broad smile. “Ah, come on. He’s a junior in college. He’s having fun.”
“You can’t mean that.”
Oh, hell. He’d done it again. Flashed the phony smile. He shoved his hands into his pockets when he thought how Sophie would’ve called him out on his shit. “No, you’re right. I don’t mean that.”
Nicole tilted her head. “I know Brandon has to go back to school for finals, but we have to do something. The next time this happens, he might not get so lucky.” She looked up at Dylan, like the guy hung the moon.
Dylan squeezed her hand, brought it around his back, then lifted his arm and tucked her under his shoulder. “You want to talk to him before we hit the road?”
“He’s sleeping.” Ryan had left his brother’s room a few minutes ago.
“No,” Dylan said. “Your Dad. She’s not going to relax until she gets it off her mind.”
“Yeah,” Nicole said. “I should probably do that.”
“Do what?” Brandon came into the room, looking pale and exhausted.
“Shouldn’t you be resting?” Nicole lurched forward, catching her brother on one side, while Dylan got the other.
“Guys, I’m fine.” He eased himself onto the couch, stretching his legs out on the coffee table. Brandon shot Ryan an apologetic look. “Sorry you came all the way out here. If I’d known they were going to call you, I’d have told you not to come.”
“Hard to do when you’re unconscious, though, right?” His sister wasn’t letting up.
“Hey, now,” Brandon said, but Nicole had already left the room. “You gonna get in trouble with your coach?”
He flipped on his smile. “Nah.” Wow. Empty words and a fake smile. That’s what he had to give his brother who might’ve died?
Enough of this bullshit. His whole life his brother and sister had looked at him with so much expectation, but he’d barely acknowledged them. He’d been so wrapped up in baseball and school and…yeah. Excuses.
He couldn’t change what he’d done, but he could be a different brother from now on. “Actually, I’m screwed.”
Nicole returned with a glass of water. She stopped and stared at him. “For missing one day?” She pushed the glass at Brandon. “You have to stay hydrated.”
“I bailed on the whole week.”
She sat down on the couch. “I thought you had a big tournament in Florida? Weren’t the scouts supposed to see you play?”
He looked at his sister a little too long. She paid attention to his life, and he didn’t know a damn thing about hers. He’d fix that. “I needed a break.”
“Now?” Brandon choked on his water. “You needed a break now? When the scouts were coming to watch you? What the hell?”
“Yeah, well, like I said I screwed up.”
Brandon looked concerned. “Gotta tell you, man. This isn’t like you. You never screw up.”
His mind quickly processed a way to spin the story, but before he could spew more bullshit, he shut it down. Not doing that anymore. “Yeah, I know. I think, uh…” Just say it. Be real with them for once in your life. “I guess I got all my screwing-up out of my system as a kid.”
“What do you mean?” Nicole looked confused.
“You were too young to remember, but I pretty much drove Mom crazy.”
“Everything drove Mom crazy,” Nicole said. “She’s an alcoholic.”
“Yeah, but instead of leaving her alone, I made it worse. I challenged her all the time.” With his thumb and forefinger, he rubbed his jaw. “And I guess I always felt pretty crappy that it was because of me that Dad kicked her out of the house. I screwed things up for you guys.”
Nicole watched him steadily, but Brandon looked shocked. And then his sister got up and came closer to him. “You do realize divorce was the best thing that could’ve happened to us, right? So, if you’re feeling some kind of guilt or whatever, you can just let it go right now.”
And right then he regretted missing out on knowing his sister. Because she was pretty cool. No drama, no theatrics. Just calm, collected. Real.
“I lived with her,” Nicole said. “So I can tell you she didn’t want to change. You guys stopped visiting her, but I didn’t. I couldn’t stand the idea of, you know, abandoning her. But then I figured out that she didn’t want us around. She wanted to be left alone with her disease. It’s not your fault.”
“Yeah, but…I don’t know. I feel bad about it.” He blew out a breath. “I wish I’d been a better brother to you.”
“What does any of this have to do with you blowing off the scouts?” Brandon brought the glass to his mouth and chugged the water.
Ryan noticed neither one addressed his apology. But then what could they say? He had been a shitty brother. “I don’t know. I’ve been restless. Just kind of fucked up the past few months.”
“Is it because Emma cheated?” Nicole said.
“No. It’s because I’m goddamn tired of training and watching what I eat and…just missing out on life. I’m sick of working so hard trying to keep everyone happy.”
“Well, they made you that way.” Nicole leaned back into Dylan. “We had to be on our best behavior or it was screaming chaos.”
“Nah,” Brandon said. “That’s not what it was. Dad sent mom away.” He gave a chin nod toward their sister. “Sent Nic away, too. That’s when you changed. Shut down. Probably thought, if you didn’t, you’d get sent away, too.”
Nicole looked pensive for a moment. “He’s right. You did change. You became…well, you know, perfect.” She smiled and whacked Brandon with the back of her hand. “Pretty deep for a bro.”
“Ryan got his act together because of baseball.” Their dad stood in the doorway, bottle of water in his hand. He tipped it toward Brandon. “What’re you doing out of bed?”
“And look at that,” Brandon said. “An O’Donnell family reunion. I should get hospitalized more often.”
“Brandon…” Nicole looked upset.
“Too soon.” Ryan held his brother’s gaze, warmth seeping through him. He should’ve been there for his younger brother. Damn.
“Best money I ever spent was on that therapist,” his dad said. “She said putting you in sports would channel all that aggression. And it sure as hell did.”
But a memory struck him like a flash of light. “I didn’t know.”
His dad cocked his head.
“I didn’t know she was a therapist.” He stuttered out a laugh, as he thought about it from an adult’s perspective. “I was eleven.” He shrugged. “I thought her job was to decide what to do with me. She kept asking all these questions, making me out to be some kind of dangerous freak with anger issues, and when we talked about sports she got happy. Told me I should focus on one and get really good at it. That was my second year on Coach Banbury’s team. He was really cool to me, so I figured I’d choose baseball.” He looked to his dad. “You got really into it. It’s like I went from pissing everybody off to being the good kid.” He’d never seen it so clearly before. “You’re right.” He nudged Brandon’s foot. “I did think if I stopped causing problems Dad wouldn’t send me away, too.”
“I would never have sent you away. I was trying to help you. Jesus, I can’t believe you’ve been thinking that all this time.”
“I never thought about it at all. All I knew is it worked. It kept everyone happy with me.” But Ryan turned to his brother. “You nailed it.”
“Fuckin’ Dr. Phil right here.” Brandon smiled.
“This got anything to do with skipping out on your games this week?” his dad asked.
“Maybe. I think I’m tired of dancing for everybody.”
“You don’t want to go pro?”
“No, I do. Of course I do.”
“Okay, so you go back to school, show the scouts you’re still the best shortstop in the country.”
“But is it what you really want?” Nicole asked.
“He just said it is.” His dad turned to her. “He sacrificed a hell of a lot to become the best at what he does, and now he’s getting the pay-off.” He came up to Ryan, slapped him on the shoulder. “I’m damn proud of you, son.” He looked to Brandon and Nicole, his voice getting a little thick. “All of you.”
“Thanks, Dad,” Nicole said.
Big Bill pulled Ryan in for a bear hug, his beefy hands slapping his back so hard it stung.
When he pulled away, all that restless energy rushed back into him. Dragging his palms on his jeans, Ryan felt jittery.
“Ryan?” Nicole asked softly. “Is there something wrong? You seem…distracted.”
“I met a girl. And I blew it.” Panic welled, tightening his lungs. “I let her go.” He didn’t want to talk about it. He just… “I have to get her back.” Awesome. He’d gone from never talking to suddenly spewing his shit all over the place.
“What’d you do?” Brandon asked.
“Emma showed up at the resort.”
Nicole’s eyes went wide. “That was bold.”
“More like crazy,” Brandon said.
“And then Sophie packed up and left.” Just saying it out loud made him sick to his stomach.
Nicole gave him a thoughtful look. “Where does she live?”
“California.”
The hand in his dad’s pocket flexed, as he rocked back on his heels. “Why are we talking about some girl you just met? Come on, son. Your coach took away your captaincy. That’s a big deal.”
“Oh, shit,” Brandon said.
“This isn’t the time to worry about some girl you had fun with over spring break.” His dad eyed him meaningfully. “You’ve got a lot to make up for when you get back to school. But you’ll recover. This is your time, kid. You’ve worked your ass for it. Take it.”
“Yeah, I know what I have to do, Dad. But I’m still going to get her back. She’s…I’m not going to find someone like her again.” If she’d only answer his calls.
“Ryan.” The warning in his dad’s voice didn’t even faze him.
“I don’t care what you think. I’m going to be with her.” He turned to his sister, who was watching him all wide-eyed and jaw hanging open. “What? Why’re you looking at me like that?” He was beginning to regret confiding in them. He didn’t like the exposure.
“You’ve never shared anything before. In all my life, you’ve never been this…real.” She smiled. “I like it.”
She could help him. “So what do I do? I have to get back to school. I owe it to my coach and my teammates, but the way I left things with her…I told her I didn’t want to keep seeing her. I didn’t see how it could work—”
“Because it can’t,” his dad bellowed. “You live three thousand miles apart.”
“I’ll make it work. But she’s not returning my calls. I don’t know what to do.”
“You go get her.” Everyone’s attention whipped to Dylan.
Big Bill looked at him like he was nuts. “Oh, no, you don’t. You get your ass back to school and focus on ball. Jesus, Ryan, six years with Emma didn’t teach you anything? Why the hell would you want to tie yourself to another woman?”
“Because nothing’s going to be right until you do.” Dylan held Ryan’s gaze. “And then you figure out your shit together.”
His dad carried his duffle bag outside. The driver grabbed it and shoved it in the trunk and then rounded the car to get into his seat.
Ryan gave his dad a hug.
“What’m I missing, son?” He pulled away. “I can’t help thinking there’s more going on. Lord knows I screwed up the first half of your life, I sure as hell don’t want to mess with the rest of it.”
“Nah. You did okay, Dad.”
“Should’ve divorced her sooner, but I didn’t want to take your mom away from you, you know? But you’ve always been so solid, so sure of yourself. You didn’t need much parenting. I don’t know what it is, but I’m getting a bad feeling I’m giving you the wrong advice.”
“I’ll figure it out.”
“When you talk about the girl, you’re happy. When we talk about baseball, you get all worked up. I can see it. Talk to me, Ryan. What’s really going on?” When Ryan didn’t answer, his dad crossed his arms over his chest, tucking a hand under each armpit. “You want to play, right? You love it?”
Ryan looked away. “Sure. I mean, I’ve always loved it. And it’ll be fine—”
His dad’s eyes went wide. “Fine? Hang on now. Playing pro ball is ten times more intense than college. The only people who survive the majors are the ones who want to play ball more than they want to breathe. This isn’t something you do because it’s fine. You gotta be driven. Up until now, you’ve played against some good teams, had your challenges, but in the majors everyone’s the best, every game’s the highest level of play. And you have to be the best all the time. You have to want this with everything in you.”
“I know that.”
“Tell me something. If you didn’t play ball, what would you do?”
He’d never told his dad about his work. “I’ve been writing apps.” He forced a laugh. “Me and ten million other people.”
“Putting that computer science minor to use, huh?”
“Yeah.” He felt this ridiculous need for his dad to understand him—and give him advice—something he’d never done before.
Big Bill blew out a breath, shoulders sagging. “Don’t know if you remember this, but when you were a kid, you loved puzzles. More than anything. You’d get on your hands and knees and work on one puzzle board after another. Pieces all over the damn place. Your mom couldn’t stand it, so she threw them all out. Then Gramps got you into Legos. And that was it. You remember? Always building shit. Pieces everywhere. Your mom went nuts.” He barked out a laugh, his breath a white fog in the cold evening air. “She came into the kitchen one morning, a weird…” He circled a finger around his cheek. “Impression on her face. I thought she’d hurt herself. Turns out she’d passed out on a pile of your Legos. That was the end of that toy.”
Ryan remembered. “Yeah. I was so pissed. I really lost it, didn’t I?”
“Never seen anything like it. You were a wildcat, all right. But, damn, Ryan, you had a right to be angry. She threw out the things you loved most.”
All that crazy anger had died down after he’d started Little League. Well, after his mom had left.
“Thing is, you used to take everything apart. You didn’t put anything back together, but you’d take apart radios and telephones. Man, you drove your mom batshit crazy. Not because you were doing anything wrong, of course. You were a kid. But because she couldn’t deal with it.” He shrugged, looking pained. “That’s an alcoholic, right? No coping skills. But, anyway, it was no surprise to me you chose computer science. In fact, I can remember smiling when you told me you wanted to major in it. It just felt…right.”
“I like it.”
“Do you?” His dad seemed genuinely interested.
“I like the challenge. The mental challenge. Baseball…”
“Not so challenging anymore. Truth is, everything calmed down in the house after you settled on one sport. And I liked it. I didn’t stop to consider if it was something you wanted or not. It just…worked.”
“It did.”
Bill gazed down at the slate walkway. “Maybe it’s run its course. Shame to see you walk away from it. Damn, watching you play that field.” His dad blew out a breath. “You’re a fine athlete, son. And a good man.” He looked troubled. “Can’t say I had much to do with it. That’s not lost on me.”
“Know what’s not lost on me? My big decision is whether to enter the draft and become a Major League ball player or move on and get a job in computer science with a Michigan University degree.”
His dad barked out a laugh. “Good point. Hell of a good point. You’re gonna be all right, son.”