Chapter Forty-Four
Ashland
“Hey.” I sensed her before she touched me. Her presence was a balm, but it didn’t heal this present wound. She wrapped her arms around me from behind and pressed her sweet body into mine. And I knew she knew. That she realized without me having to say the words what I could never give her.
“Maybe he would’ve been the better choice.”
“No.” I felt her stiffen. “He wouldn’t because I don’t love him.” Still she didn’t say it.
“We can’t have a baby together, Fanny. There will never be a child who’s half me and half you. I won’t have unprotected sex with you and put you at risk of possibly contracting the virus. I wish things were different, but they’re not.”
“It’s ok.”
It wasn’t. It was one of those concerns that had loomed largely in my mind. Here as soon as our first night together was over. I turned, brought my hands up to her face and framed it. “Don’t take this wrong. I want you. Want whatever I can have of you. Even if it means long distance, weekends, scraps of your time. However we can have the most nights together like the one last night, the most days, too. But.” I pulled in a breath and stroked the silken skin of her cheeks with my thumbs. You’re twenty-two-years-old, Fanny. Your whole life is ahead of you. You could have children with someone else. Sex without condoms and pills.”
“But not someone making love to me. Not me making love right back. Not you. Not me.” And if I didn’t already love her completely and irrevocably those words spoken without hesitation or forethought did me in. She was it. No other would do. No other could compare. No other was her. My Fanny Bay.
“You are a very good thing.”
“Yeah?”
“Oh yeah. And I want us to be a very good thing. Without any regrets or what ifs. So this is what I suggest. You go with your sister. Do the LA press conference. Take Mr. Cash with you. Just in case. I want you both to be safe. Tie up any loose ends in your life, spiritually, physically, mentally. I touched her temple. Whatever you need to do to be certain. To be absolutely sure. Of me and you and what we have here, and also what we don’t and never will. Be certain on that. Because the way I’m feeling right now after one night with you and a handful of days is that you’re the one for me. I don’t need to think about it anymore. But you have options.”
“I don’t.” She shook her head.
“That’s the deal.” I pressed my fingertips to her mouth shushing her. “Two days. That’s it. That’s all I’m gonna be able to stand not knowing your choice.” It would be so much harder than the last time to move forward if she walked away. In fact, I wasn’t sure it would even be possible. “If you’re in, and I hope with everything that is within me that you are, meet me at the coffee house. The Cosmic cup. Manhattan Beach. Noon. Day after tomorrow. I’ll be there this time. Nothing will keep me away, and if you show I’ll know nothing’s keeping us apart ever again.”
~ ~ ~
Fanny
His resigned expression before he kissed me tenderly and released me said he didn’t believe I would show up at the coffeehouse. I’d already given him myself and my love. But if it took this last step to bring him to the full realization that he had my heart and would never lose it then that was how it would be. I would do anything for him. And I knew that he would do anything for me. He just needed to take down the last bricks of the wall around him to see that truth inside himself and accept it.
“Alright, Ash if that’s what you want. That’s what we’ll do. I’ll go get my things.”
He nodded his head and his eyes radiated intensity as he stared. I knew he was committing every detail, every feature of mine to memory. I was certainly doing the same thing as I returned his perusal.
Two days of no Ash was going to seem like forever.
I was going to need those memories to tide me over.
Speaking of memories. His favor. “My Lakers cap?” I swallowed to moisten my throat. It had gone dry as sand too far from the shore. “Have you seen it?”
“The bedroom. On the dresser.”
I nodded and turned to get it, feeling his gaze on me as I walked away.
“You ok?” Hollie asked a few moments later as I sat on the bed, a fistful of sheet in one hand my Lakers cap in the other trying to hold onto what Ash and I had shared. Doing it alone would be hard, and I hadn’t even said goodbye yet.
“No.” I shook my head.
“I heard everything.” She sat down beside me. “It’s a big decision.” She pried my fingers apart from the sheet and took my hand.
“There’s no decision. I’ll be there. I already know.”
But he needs to know.
“It’ll mean something, a big something to him to know that I choose him.”
It would be a matter of faith. In himself most of all. He didn’t believe he was worthy of me. He truly thought the mistakes in his life had permanently marred him, like Victor Hugo’s tragic protagonist.
He was wrong.
He was no Quasimodo. Unlike Esmeralda, this gypsy had loved him from the start.
“It is a big decision, Fanny. You’re the one who always pretended our stuffed animals were your children. I pretended they were famous actresses jetting off to exotic locales to film movies.”
“Yeah,” I acknowledged sadly.
“He’s a good guy,” she reminded me gently. “Take the space he’s giving you.”
I nodded. It wasn’t like I had a choice. He was sending me away. “So…” I regathered the fortitude I’d let slip into the background since I had such a strong guy taking care of me. I gestured to the strewn clothing surrounding the Offshore bags. “What do we take?”
“Why not take it all?”
“I was thinking just the ones I’ve worn. Karen mentioned her profit margin being small at the shop.”
“Oh.” She gnawed on her lip. “I didn’t know. So you’re right. I’ll fold up the things that still have tags on them. Leave a thank you note.”
“That would be nice.”
“I have something in mind for the press conference.” She moved to kneel beside the sacks. “But we can talk more about that in the car.”
“Alright.” I stood. “Sounds good.” I knelt down beside her. “Here, let me help you. It’ll go faster,” I added when it seemed like she might protest. We folded in silence for a while. There were a lot of clothes. Karen had been extremely generous. All Ash’s friends were. Our friends.
“You’re always helping me, Fanny. Looking out for me. Best sister a girl could ever have. But I think I need to start taking more ownership of my life. When I think of what you did for me. Leaving your business behind. Going out on the streets every day taking risks while I hid from the world.”
“I only did what I had to.” I paused mid-fold. “I’d do anything for you.”
“Same.” She gave me a firm nod with tears glassing her pretty grey eyes. “I’m just trying to say I’m turning eighteen. I’ll be a grown up. It’s time for me to act one. And hopefully I’ll be as good a one as you.”
“Thank you.” I reached for her hand and squeezed it. “But the way you’re going so far I’d say you’re going to be even better.”
~ ~ ~
“So this is it. I better say goodbye since Olivia has already gone down to start the car.” Hollie crossed to Ash. He stood by the door empty hands at his sides. Earlier he’d been at the table working on his practice pad. We’d heard him tapping away as we’d been folding. A staccato pattern I’d never heard him play before. His driving drum tempo was a signature of all the Dirt Dogs’ songs, but there was something different in this rhythm. It reminded me of U2’s music. Larry Mullen, Jr. A rousing martial beat. I wondered if Ramon mentioning his voice sounded like Bono had anything to do with it, or if he’d already been playing around with the rhythm a while. I wanted to ask him, but we were out of time.
“I can’t thank you enough.” Touching his arm for balance, she went up on her toes.
“Yeah.” He leaned down so she could reach him. “Best of luck out there, Hollie.” He received the kiss she pressed to his cheek and straightened. His eyes were locked on mine over her head. To anyone else his expression might convey indifference to her affection and the fact that we were leaving, but what was in his eyes said otherwise.
The ocean was in turmoil.
So was the inside of my heart.
“Ash.” I stepped toward him, taking the place directly in front of him that my sister had vacated. “I…I don’t know what to say.” He grabbed me, yanking me into him, his arms tight bands around my waist, mine trapped at my sides. “Don’t say goodbye,” he said gruffly.
“Ok.” I could barely breathe because of how tight he held me, but also because it felt like my heart was breaking.
“Thank you. For everything.” I tipped my head back. The eyes meeting mine had darkened as if just the prospect of my walking out the door took away the light. “For coming to my rescue.”
“It’s me who needs to thank you, little one. It’s you who rescued me.” His hold loosening around me, he brought his hands up to frame my face. He peered deeply into my eyes, and they filled, oh yeah, you bet they filled with him, with all that he was and all that he meant to me. They brimmed. They burned with that emotion. He lowered his head. He touched his warm lips to mine, and he stepped away. Cold rushed in, an arctic blast, the ache of immediate loneliness, the absence of Ash.
“Namaste.” I managed a step back. Placing my hands together in prayer position at my heart chakra, the center of my inner divine melody, I closed my eyes and bowed my head. “I do this to honor you, Ash, the light, the divine spark, the love, the truth, the beauty and peace I see in you.” Believe in what I see, believe in us, I prayed. I was paying obeisance to his soul, creating a ring of spiritual emotion to connect us heart to heart, generating positive vibrations I hoped would help him tear down the last barrier remaining between us. “For it is also in me.”
Opening my eyes, I spun away quickly. I couldn’t look at him anymore. I wouldn’t be able to leave if I did. Luckily, my sister was there. She anticipated my need. She placed her arm around my shoulders. She was looking out for me. My eyes flooding, Hollie took charge of both of us. She was already fully grown in my estimation, though that was a realization she had to come to. A self-awareness issue much like the one Ash was facing. She steered me out into the hall. I didn’t actually see the penthouse door closing, but I heard it click.
A boundary between Ash and me again.
Outside the air felt crisp. The ocean roared its usual enthusiastic welcome behind me, but I didn’t turn to acknowledge it today. I dragged my feet to Olivia’s sedan. Reporters swarmed us like agitated bees. Maximillian Cash hurried to get Hollie into the front passenger seat safely. At the rear of the vehicle I was jostled as I reached for my own door. Microphones clattered the glass the moment I closed it. I heard the questions I had told Ash they would ask. Cameras flashed reflecting the sheen of tears in my eyes. I was shaky and breathless on the edge of my seat as Oliva carefully applied her foot to the gas inching the car slowly away from the curb.
One more look. I swiveled around. I had to have one last look. More flashes. More photos. More shouting reporters. But no more Ash.