Chapter Twenty-Four
Ashland
I woke with the covers twisted around my lower body. Nothing unusual there. Finding Fanny when I cracked open my eyes? That was different, and it was anything but ordinary.
“You’re awake.” Her soft hand slid away from my brow.
“Yeah, little one,” I whispered. “What are you doing up in the middle of the night?”
“I heard you.” Her brow crinkled. “Again. I couldn’t soothe you back to sleep this time.” Her face glowed with the moonlight streaming into the living room through the windows. I found myself grateful that the retractable blinds hadn’t come in yet. Her hair like a bathing cap shaped to her head, her expression earnest, her eyes reflective, her hip pressed possessively next to mine from where she perched on the couch beside me, she captivated me as much now as she had back on stage at the Oscars.
“Do you have nightmares every night?”
“I’m a restless sleeper,” I hedged.
“Don’t do that.”
“Do what?”
“Give me parts of an answer but not the whole. You’re shutting me out.” She glanced away, looking out the windows while she formulated her thoughts. I just stared at her mesmerized. I couldn’t fathom how she had gotten under my skin so quickly, first as Fanny and then as Frances, or how seamlessly she fit in with my friends. The dinner party I had been reluctant to approve had ended up being an inspired idea.
“How do you mean?” I prompted, and she turned back to look at me.
“Your voice changes when you’re redirecting me or being evasive. And…” She trailed off. Her hands fluttered. I captured them.
“And what?”
“Your scent changes.”
“Explain that.”
“Scents have layers, especially with people. Dominant ones and more subtle notes. Most of the time I just get the dominant ones from you. Ocean. Sun. Citrus. But sometimes I get hints of more.” Her eyes unfocused. Darkened. “A lot more.”
Interesting. “When sometimes?” I pressed.
“When you’re emotional. When your guard goes down I think. Up on the roof when…when Tristan came up…then later when I thought you wanted to kiss me.”
“No thinking about it, Fanny. I wanted to, make no mistake.” My frown mirrored hers. “Why would you feel like I didn’t?”
“I don’t know, Ash. I feel a lot of things about you. I have for a while now. Old stuff from before. New things, too. They all get jumbled up inside of me. And when that happens, answers I thought I had turn into more questions.”
“I can empathize. I told you earlier I don’t know what the hell I’m doing. If I had those answers I’d give them to you. You know that, right?
“Yes.”
“So you had trouble sleeping tonight, too?” I questioned gently.
She nodded. “I came in to get a drink of water.”
“Ah.” I didn’t point out that she could have more easily gone to the attached bathroom for that. But she didn’t point out that I could sleep in the guest bedroom rather than the couch. “You wanna share what’s keeping you awake?”
“You and me. But…” She shook her head. “That’s an issue I don’t think either of us have even sorted out for ourselves yet.”
“No. You’re right.” But I think I was closer than she was. I let go of her hands and pulled myself to a seated position. “How about I try to tackle those other things you mentioned.”
“Alright.”
“The kiss first.” I stroked her soft cheek with the back of my hand. I enjoyed caressing her, not only because it affirmed the rightness of this experiment between us, but also just because I liked the way her breath hitched whenever I did. “To me kissing is very personal.”
“Isn’t it for everyone?”
“It’s especially so for me. And this is going to come as something of a shock to you, but I’ve never kissed anyone.”
“What? No way.” She crossed her arms over her chest. “I don’t believe you.”
“Well, it’s the truth, little one. Never lip to lip. Breath to breath. Never shared that intimacy with anyone. The reasons for that are complicated. I don’t know if I can explain them fully.”
“Can you try?” she entreated, unfolding her arms. “Please?”
“For you, little one, anything. But I’d have to go back a ways.”
She nodded encouragingly.
“It’ll take a while.”
“I’m not sleepy.”
I smiled. How could she put me at ease when the truths I was revealing were so…well…revealing. “Then you might as well get comfortable. Stand up for a moment.”
She did. No questioning my directive.
I kicked off the covers and put my own feet on the floor ignoring the way her gaze bumped down and her lips parted. She had noted my erection. Yeah ok, it was impossible for either of us to ignore. I grabbed and lifted her. Her breath rushed out from her parted lips, and I returned us both to the couch only this time with her arranged on my lap. She wiggled her sexy ass so she could shift to look at me. And the way that felt was heaven and hell.
“Can you feel me? I asked.
“Yes.” Her breathless reply made my cock even harder.
“Any more doubts about me wanting you?”
“No.”
“Good. You feel so good.” I groaned. “And you know I like touching you.” I skimmed my fingers up her arm, drawing back the silky sleeve and wondering when the hell Karen had started carrying sexy lingerie like Fanny was wearing at her surf shop.
She shivered. “I’m beginning to get the idea.”
“Never had a woman respond like you do to me.”
“But all the groupies.”
“They’re just turned on by the idea of sleeping with a rock star. They don’t know me. They don’t really want to know me.”
She nodded. “And in all those years you never kissed any of them?”
“I was never even tempted to.” I pulled in a breath and began. “The guys and I, we kinda went from being a bunch of nobodies to a bunch of somebodies really quickly. A dream come true professionally, for sure, but personally it was a nightmare. Everyone wanted a piece of us, and we gave it to them, losing ourselves in the process. One by one we became images, bad guys of rock ‘n’ roll, one dimensional caricatures of the guys we once had been. The only reality remaining was who we were to each other. And even with that there were big lies underneath the surface that made for a shaky foundation.”
“Ash, I’m sorry,” she breathed sympathetically.
I gave her a tight nod and continued. “With little to nothing and nearly no one I could truly trust or believe in, I pulled way inside myself. A matter of self-preservation, really.”
“I know, I get it.” She covered my lips with her thumb and just the gentle glide of it across my lips beneath made lust I had kept dampened until now roar to flame inside of me. I wanted to lift her off my lap and throw her down, climb on top of her before she could even catch her breath, and rip off that robe and show her how much I…no…not yet…not like this…I had plenty to scare her off. Coming on so strong right from the beginning was not the way for us to start. I jerked my head to the side shuddering as I yanked back on the reins that had nearly slipped from my fingers when she had touched me.
“It must have been a difficult time. You were younger than I was when I started touring with my song.” She was rambling. “And you loved her. You and Linc both did.” And then she wasn’t rambling but hitting the center of the target or pretty fucking close. I snapped my gaze back to her tethers trailing loose but at least back in my grip. “You still love her.” Another misread. A significant one. I saw tears forming in her eyes.
“I do, gypsy rose. But not the way you think. As a friend. As a possibility.” And because she was his and loving her was the closest I could get to him.
“I’m not trying to compete.” She swallowed. “I’m not trying to take that away.” She brought her fluttering hands up toward my face. I captured them before she could touch me. “But do you think there’s any way that in time that I might become a possibility for you, too?”
“Absolutely. If I didn’t believe that I wouldn’t have agreed to try for more.”
She exhaled a shaky breath. She was so brave to ask me a question that made her so vulnerable. And I was trying so hard to do this right. To do right by her. To mete out information about who I was, and why I was the way I was in a manner that wouldn’t overwhelm her with too much too quickly.
Once upon a time I had reserved a kiss for a day I knew now would never come. Linc would always be Simone’s. But what had been my greatest regret might now be redeemed in a most unexpected way. A first kiss could become a second chance for Fanny and me because I was free to give that gift to her.