My entire plane ride home I spend crying, finally pulling myself back together by the time I land. My parents meet me at the airport. My mom, remembering what ratty shape I was in when they visited in May, has already booked a day at the spa

“You can’t show up in The Hamptons with your hair and skin looking like that,” she exclaims.

I spend the next few days hanging out at our house in The Hamptons. I go through the motions as heartbreak envelopes me. My mom tries to take me shopping, but I have no interest. All the unnecessary things I’m surrounded by are strangely unappealing. I have a hard time relating to any of the conversations. Everyone seems to be absorbed in such trivial issues, and consumed by too many material things.

***

Feeling at loose ends and depressed over Conner breaking up with me, I decide to head to California for the Labor Day weekend, since I want to be with my friends. Jennifer picks me up at the San Francisco airport. I’ll be staying with her for a few days until Juliette and my apartment on campus are available. She drives me directly to Nola, a fun restaurant in Palo Alto. All my friends are there. Of course, I need to make a grand entrance. They scream and cheer when they see me. I didn’t realize how much I missed them until I have them in my arms.

Meredith picks up one of my well-manicured hands. “How did you manage to stay all put together,” she exclaims.

“My mom freaked when she saw me in May. She pre- booked an emergency spa day when she picked me up at the airport. This way I’d look presentable in The Hamptons.” Impersonating my mom I add, “You don’t want anyone seeing you looking like that.”

“How did that feel after spending so much time working with refugees?” Juliette asks.

 “I’ve always known we have so much. But The Hamptons, it was so overwhelming. Why do people waste so much money on such trivial things? After living for a year in Azraq, I now consider hot water and a decent Internet connection to be the height of luxury.” I can’t help smiling since the thought brings back my reaction to the shower when Conner and I were in Petra.

Jennifer looks me up and down as she checks out my trendy dress and expensive shoes.

“I see you haven’t completely lost your desire for nice things.”

“This old thing, my mom bought it for me before I left for Jordan. But really, I hope I never lose some of what I learned working for the UN.”

“I loved your pictures from Petra and Jersha,” Hita pipes in. “Though the camp looked so barren and bleak.”

All those wonderful excursions flash through my mind.

“Petra and Jersha were amazing. My closest friends from camp were a Swedish guy, a French woman, and a Canadian guy. They were all a few years older than us. Whenever we could get a car or had some time off, we’d get out of camp. Though at the same time those trips made me feel guilty, those families living in the refugee camps had escaped bombing, death, and war. They were the ones who needed the vacation.”

“Canadian Guy and Swedish guy, which one was yours?” Juliette questions.

“You know me, I like my entourage.” I have no desire to talk about the people I left behind, since I miss them so much.

“Our margaritas are getting low. I haven’t seen you guys for a while. Come on let’s party,” I cheer.

***

The following night Juliette has a whole bunch of friends over to her parents’ house for a pool party. Jennifer is there with her preppy banker boyfriend Carter, Juliette is dating this British guy Stephen, Hita’s dating a friend of Carter’s, an Indian guy named Anil, and, of course, there’s Sam and Meredith. We all give a toast to our missing princesses, Kelly and Isabelle, who are both off traveling.

Since my friends are all hooked up, I wind up hanging out with Juliette’s high school friend Gray. He’s currently in Law School at Berkeley. He’s an interesting guy, easy to be around, fun. Not to mention he’s handsome and fit. When Jennifer takes off with Carter, Gray volunteers to drive me home. He even walks me to the door, although I know it’s all about wanting more, than being chivalrous.

I’ve felt off kilter and empty since I’ve left the Middle East. My broken heart feels overwhelming. I want skin on skin to take away some of my pain since all I feel is this big empty void.

Gray is what I’m looking for. He’s a nice looking, decent guy, but between both of our academic schedules and him living an hour away, there will be no complications. He won’t follow me around wanting more. I’m not looking for a repeat; I just need to be with someone tonight.

Hoping his touch fills my void; I move close and kiss Gray slowly on his lower lip. But all I think about is Conner… and my heart breaks. Conner’s words play in my mind, “…Date, see other men…” I need someone close tonight, someone who’s not permanent, someone who will wash away my longing for who I really want. A few minutes of relief from all the sadness I feel. Maybe this will fill my hole.

When he kisses me back, I smile, this is a good plan. I warp my arms around his shoulders as I seductively lick his lower lip. He starts walking us into Jennifer’s apartment, while our hands run up and down each other’s bodies.

“You’re so beautiful,” Gray whispers into my ear. “I’ve wanted you since the first time I saw you.”

“How about less talking and more skin.”

I’m not looking for my ego to be stroked. I have no interest in his lines. This isn’t about him. This is so my broken heart can get some relief. I need some skin and the total oblivion sex can bring.

Our kissing gets deep as his tongue strokes mine, he tastes of beer and a man different than Conner. I pull away and strip out of my sundress, then kick off my strappy sandals. I enjoy watching his eyes go feral as they graze over my body. With purpose, I turn and walk oto Jennifer’s couch, where I’m sleeping. I look over my shoulder and wink.

“Will you join me?”

Then I enjoy, feeling the power of his excitement, as I watch him strip quickly. He reaches me naked; the feeling of his warm body against mine is a pleasant sensation. Our hands are everywhere as we race to feel each other’s skin.

As I release our kiss, I push on his shoulders so that he moves south. He stops at my chest, licking each tit and taking a bite of my nipple. I jump a little and gasp. A sparkly sensation explodes across my chest. I push on his shoulders again since I want his mouth farther down.

“Make me come,” I command.

He moves down on his knees, while I place a leg over one his shoulders, opening myself up for better access. I need that feeling and release only an orgasm will bring. The kind that makes me forget everything, a feeling that makes me know I’m alive.

He sucks on my clit, as I gasp loudly. The sensation twists and builds, every muscle in my body begins to shake.

“More,” I scream.

I twist my fingers through his hair while my orgasm builds and the leg I’m using for balance starts to tremble. My breath gets shaky as Gray pins down my shaking legs as his hoover action goes furious and my body trembles.

“Not yet,” I pant out as the sensations rise, but I’m not yet there.

As the orgasm peaks and my body blows apart from the inside, a deep buzzing runs up my spine and lands in my brain.

“Yes, yes,” I scream out.

Gray pulls me down off the sofa. With my back on the carpet, he maneuvers so both of my legs are over his shoulder while he hovers over me. He smiles confidently as he watches me gasp. My back arches and my head tilts back, I’m loose-jawed as the orgasmic spasms roll over me. I hear the rip of a condom wrapper and feel him center himself before he thrusts in.

I gasp loudly.

He continues to thrust. This only heightens my already rolling orgasm. I open my eyes and look up in time to see his eyes squint as he groans, my only signal that he too is coming. Then a satisfied smile crosses his face. He breathes deeply a few times as he sits back on his heels, lowering my legs from his shoulders.

“Olivia, you’re amazing,” he moans.

I wake up the next morning, alone, on Jennifer’s couch. I never heard Gray leave, but I’m sure glad he’s gone. I’ve felt shaky since Israel. Conner’s stationed in the Middle East. He’s no idea when he’ll be stateside. Our last conversation was...heartbreaking. I was hoping that meaningless sex would help me shake off some of my sadness and angst. Unfortunately, last night’s union provided me with a couple of minutes of bliss, but leaves me even lonelier this morning. Now I miss Conner even more. I don’t want another guy. I don’t want faceless, nameless sex. I have four years of med school and five years of residency. My life is all organized, but what I want is to be with Conner.

My hookup with Gray gives me perspective and leads me to a proper decision. Conner’s who I want. I will focus on school work. There are lots of married people in the Army. If they can make it work, so can we. No more faceless hookups. I need to prove to Conner we can make it.

As I contemplate my decisions, Jennifer comes home.

“Are you ever going to tell me what’s up?”

“What?”

“Don’t play innocent with me, I know you too well. I sit up and skootch over on the couch. “I had a mindless hookup last night.”

“Do I know him?”

“Do either of us care?”

“In my experience, you only mindlessly hook up when you are in a mood. Are you going to share?”

“The last year has been life changing.”

“Conner or the camp?”

“Jennifer, he broke up with me. When he dropped me off at the airport, he told me I was a free agent.”

“Did he say that because he wanted to be a free agent or did he say that because you’re seven thousand miles away?”

“He said we’re too far away for this to work.”

“Do you think it can work? Can you be in a relationship with a guy who’s over there?”

“Of course, it can work. Lots of soldiers are in relationships stateside.”

“Then you need to show him that you want this to work.”

“The whole butterfly thing…let it go and if it comes back.”

“If you want him, then you’ll need to show him how it can work.”

I wrap my arms around her and we both hug. “I think I missed you more then I missed hot water.”

“Are you finally going to talk to Meredith about Conner?”

“Why, what did she say?”

“What is it with you two? Why won’t you talk about Conner with Meredith? You two are so close.”

“I’m not sure there’s anything to say. He broke up with me.”

“Yeah, and your mind’s already rolling on how to get him back. Once you and Conner are back together, you need to talk to Meredith.”

“I promised her I wouldn’t get involved with her brother.”

“Let me get this. You think it’s better to lie to Meredith than to tell her you’re in love with her brother. That’s the crazy ass, stupidest thing I’ve ever heard.”

“Do you think she’ll be mad?”

Jennifer dramatically rolls her eyes again and shakes her head.

“After washing up I’m going to start my plan to get Conner back.”

“How are you going to do that?”

“I’m going to pretend he didn’t break up with me. Even better, I’ll start planning a trip for us to meet up in January. I’ll be on break and he’ll need to figure out how to get leave.”

 

***

School is hard, or at least after taking a year off, it’s hard to re-discipline myself to get back in the classroom and study routine.

In early October, I get a text from Max. On campus to meet with my advisor. Are you free for dinner?

At dinner, we talk about our previous year. It turns out both of us have had a transformative experience. Last time I saw Max was right after he’d received ten million from the VC’s. Turns out he blew through the money but didn’t complete his deliverables, and the VC’s won’t give him another dime.

“If they had just given us a couple more months, we were so close,” he wines.

I listen to his trials and tribulations. But what I pick up is his organization was too flat, everyone was in charge when it came to what they wanted to do, and no one was in charge when there was the hard decision to make. Since everyone in his company was so young, no one had any experience when it came to prioritizing and understanding how complex tasks were. He was the technical lead, but he had to spend all his time managing people. Knowing how cocky he was last year, I bet if he had hired older, more knowledgeable people, he wouldn’t have listened to them.

Something else hits me. If I heard his story a year ago, I would have been empathetic, but I never would be able to make any of those assessments. Spending a year working for Laura, I got to see first-hand what it organizationally takes to get a big project off the ground.

If I had fired the guys who weren’t pulling their weight, we’d still have cash. We were so close,” Max laments.”

“What are you up to now?”

 “Now? I’m still working on it. It’s me and a couple key guys. The VC’s let me keep my equipment. A guy I know gave us some extra room in their space. We’re not getting paid. But if we can get this going…”

“I guess we both learned that living with less makes you focus on what’s really important,” I summarize.