Back in my dorm room, I contemplate Rashad. I can tell that my busy schedule and unwillingness to carve out time is annoying him. He doesn’t seem to like the way I string him along. I ponder if this is good or bad. Will he eventually give up on me, or will this make him fight for me more? I’m still not sure which one I want.

Jennifer sits across from me; her position mirrors mine as she furiously types away on her computer.

“What’s going on?” she says at some point.

“I’m thinking about Rashad.”

“He’s one beautiful man.”

“Yeah and he knows it.”

“Is he hot in bed or is he just eye candy?”

“I don’t know. I haven’t slept with him.”

“So it’s just phone sex every night but you don’t want reality.”

“Rashad is really sexy, handsome, plus I like his manners. But he’s entitled. If I sleep with him, I know he’ll get disinterested.”

“That’s not it…I know you too well. Who are you really after?”

“What do you mean?”

“Olivia we’ve been friends since we were freshman, roommates for the last three years. You get like this when you’re with one guy but really want to be with someone else.”

“I don’t do that?”

“Yeah, you do. So now I wonder who you really want to be with while you’re using Rashad as your cover? It can’t be Ethan.” I shake my head, “or Max?” I shake my head again. “Even though you did go to those foreign movies with him last week and he does have that edgy energy that you like.”

“We went as friends. It was real… friendly. Actually, it was nice. He’s a bright guy, interesting. I would never have taken him for someone who was into foreign films. But we had a beer afterward and talked about the movies. Actually, that evening reminded me of a scene from a 1970’s Woody Allen movie, where young bohemian urbanites attend intellectual foreign films and seriously discuss them afterward.”

“Yeah, Max is definitely not it. Are you going to tell me who you really have a thing for?”

“Maybe it’s someone I’ve yet to meet.”

“Wait, are you having an affair with one of your professors or a TA?”

 “No, of course not.”

“You know if you tell me and it’s a secret, I won’t tell anyone else.”

“The way you didn’t tell them about me talking on the phone every night?”

“All I said was you’re busy flirting in Arabic every night to some guy.”

I go back to reading…but I can’t focus. SHIT SHIT SHIT. Jennifer’s right. I’m toying with Rashad for the same reason I initially flirted with him, to take my mind off Conner and to make my friends think he’s the guy I’m speaking Arabic too.

Damn, the one man in this state I can’t under any circumstances date, or have any kind of relationship with is Conner. While the only man I want, is Conner. On so many levels this is bad. I need to amp this thing up with Rashad. Maybe if I’m sleeping with Rashad, I’ll stop wanting Conner.

With a sudden surge of energy, I pick up my phone. Staring at the icons I try to decide what sexy thing I can do? I know! At my dresser, I pull out a really bright red tube of lipstick and apply it generously to my lips, then I apply some really shiny gloss on top. With my lips puckered, I take a series of selfies. Next, I apply a little more eyeliner and mascara before taking a series of pictures winking. I crop the shot just right and text both over to Rashad. No comment just the two pictures.

“Are you sending that to Mr. X or Rashad.”

“To Rashad of course.”

“Girlfriend, you have it so bad. Please don’t tell me that Mr. X is married.”

 “No, of course not.”

“Ah! ” she yells. “I knew there was a Mr. X. So why isn’t he part of your entourage? Does he have a girlfriend?”

“No, of course not. Would you stop with the Mr. X.”

My phone starts buzzing. It’s a text from Rashad, which instantly makes me happy. “Well, that got him going. I was starting to think I was boring him,” I exclaim as I show Jennifer the text.

“If he didn’t have a school-wide reputation as being a big player, I would feel really bad for that guy. I guess he’s finally getting a taste of his own medicine.”

“Don’t worry about him. He’s enjoying the chase.”

“You think he enjoys the way you toy with him? You keep reeling him in close, then letting him go.”

“Kelly calls me a fly fisherman.”

“Kelly and her folksy sayings. But she’s right, you’re only happy if you can tease some guy on the line.”

Olivia to Rashad: Not in the mood to study. What about you?

Rashad: What are you in the mood for?

Olivia: You…all of you.

My phone dings as Rashad’s name pops up on my screen.

Rashad: I’ll pick you up in ten minutes.

Olivia: Text me when you’re downstairs

“Last week you blew off an evening by going to the movies with Max. Tonight you’ll be with Rashad. You’re a senior; don’t blow your average this late in the game,” Jennifer warns.

“Once I got early acceptance to medical school I lost all my insecurities and fear. Now I find it hard to study. I’m definitely taking a gap year,” I reply

“Do you know what you’ll do?”

 I shuffle through my tops, looking for something sexy to wear.

“I’ve started researching possibilities. I’m looking into medical missions that take gap-year pre-med students, also, there are a lot of UN based programs, or maybe I’ll teach English. As an Arabic speaker, I probably can get into a program to teach girls in the Middle East.”

“The Middle East sounds dangerous. Isabelle is looking into teaching English in China next year. Maybe you should join her.”

 “China doesn’t float my boat. Eventually, after med school, I want to work for Médecins Sans Frontières.”

“Doctors Without Borders, they’re in all the most dangerous places.”

“What can be more rewarding than to help people in a crisis, provide health care to people who never get to see a doctor? That’s so much better than joining my parents in some high-end first world practice. I figure I can use my gap year to see what it will be like. I want to live my fantasy. See if it will be my reality.”

As I place a sexy designer shirt against my chest I view myself in the long mirror.

“You realize doctors don’t wear fancy designer clothes in the places Doctors Without Borders goes.”

“Yes, I realize that.”

“And they don’t sleep in five star accommodations.”

“I can rough it.”

“Last year when we went to LA, you complained that we stayed in a Days Inn.”

“There was a Hilton across the street.”

“Are you going to finally …?”

“Have sex? Maybe, I guess it depends.”

“On what?”

“On his attitude, of course. The more he wants it, the less I want to give it. We’re definitely in a battle for control right now. That is I’m the one in control and he’s trying to figure out how to gain control. I need to figure out if sleeping with Rashad gives me more control or less control. If I think having sex with him will maintain my control, then I’ll sleep with him.”

“Olivia, you sent a provocative picture to a guy at ten in the evening, then tell him to pick you up. You know he thinks he’s getting a booty call.”

I run a brush through my hair and check out my make-up. “This is my booty call, not his. Anyway, I’m in the need of a little hump day humping. I think it will get me out of my senioritis doldrums.”

I choose a large purse and add my travel pack that includes a toothbrush, make-up remover pack, mascara, eyeliner, and brush. I look with conflicted emotions at my textbooks sprawled across my bed. I pick up the notes I had been reviewing. I’ve already finished my physics work for tomorrow; nothing else is due right away. Am I justifying tonight’s activity? I can take one night off.

My phone beeps.

Rashad: I’m here

Olivia: heading downstairs.

“I hope that homework you were working on isn’t due tomorrow,” Jennifer comments as I leave.

“Enjoy the rest of your evening,” I respond.

 “Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.”

“That still leaves a world of possibilities.”

I shrug off the blanket of conflict I’m feeling as I pull my shoulders back, hold my head high, and march down the two flights of stairs to the front door. Rashad’s shiny, black, car is parked right in front. I plant a knowing smile on my face.

I feel powerful and in control as I push open my dorm’s front door. I bet he’s been hard since he saw those two innocent pictures. With my best strut I plaster on a sexy smile and head to his car. Sliding into the high-quality leather seats, I give Rashad a flirty smile.

“Hey,” I purr.

His pupils dilate as he looks me over. If he was an animal, he’d be a tiger ready to pounce, which I find very satisfying. When he finally speaks, his voice is husky with desire.

“Why am I so lucky to be graced with your beautiful photos?”

“Blame it on Senioritis. I got accepted into Med School and now I’m feeling apathetic about school work. I need a mid-week diversion to get me going. Don’t worry, my apathy only applies to school. I feel no apathy when it comes to beautiful men.”

He smiles broadly, showing his Hollywood perfect teeth that have obviously endured braces and whitening. I drag my finger down his unshaved jaw.

“This is the first time I’ve seen you with even a hint of stubble.”

“Racial profiling is alive and well in America. A Saudi man needs to look extremely clean cut and preppy or else Americans start calling Homeland security.”

I nod. My libido isn’t nearly as revved up as his. I need to do something to get myself moving. My mind flashes to the other day when I drove down to Monterey with Meredith. Seeing Conner standing in front of Togo’s made my body hum with desire. I break that thought. Conner is off limits. You are in a car with Rashad. Rashad is the man you want to be with.

In an attempt to get things going I lean towards Rashad. Parting my lips I languidly run my tongue over my top lip while finishing the movement by lightly biting my bottom lip. Rashad responds like clockwork, his eyes go wide, I can smell his desire. Sexual energy hums off of his body.

His mouth parts…he gasps.

I lean in as seductively as I can and slowly kiss his lower lip, then I tip my head up slightly so I can lightly kiss his upper lip. I can hear his breath catch as he runs his hand down my arm. I take my time as I run my tongue along his lips, then I search for the warm sweet feeling of his tongue. My libido starts to turn on as I relax. Maybe we can have some slow sweet sex and I can get Conner out of my head. I could turn Rashad into my fun boyfriend.

We enter his building’s garage. It’s in a new, high-end, off campus gated complex, filled with expensive cars. He parks quickly. As I join him at the rear of the car, he intertwines his fingers through mine while escorting me towards the elevator. He stands statue still as we move to the third floor, pulling me out of the elevator quickly once it stops. In a rush he opens his front door and boxes me in against the hall. His body is close. I can feel how aroused he is as his breath traces a warm path up my neck, while he lays a line of kisses from my jaw up to my ear. He takes a hard breath before he nips at my ear lobe.

“I want you, all of you, now, no more of your games.”

His mouth is so close to my ear, the lick and his breath send a welcome tingle down my neck and past my shoulders. I give a low chuckle as my body starts revving up. Yes, this is what I need. I pull away from his embrace and look into his eyes.

“I want you to show me how a Saudi man can make a woman come.” My gaze wanders to his lips as I realize I crave them on me. “You have a bed. Right?”

His pulse quickens. He grabs my hand and pulls me to his bedroom. I drop my purse down by my feet and push him away. With direct eye contact I give him a slow sexy smile.

“You now get to watch me undress.”

His breath catches as he backs up a couple more steps. Keeping intense eye contact with him, I slowly peel off my top, unbuckle my belt, kick off my high heels, unzip and roll down my jeans before I kick them off. His eyes watch every movement like the predator he is. Posing in my sexy, matching hot pink bra and panties, I know I look good.

“Do you like what you see?” He takes a step forward. I raise my hand and wag my finger, “Not yet, I’m not done.”

He growls with anticipation. I watch his chest pump up and down from his heavy breathing, while his neck muscles are taught. I turn around so he can tell that my panties are a thong. Reaching my hands behind me, I unclasp my bra, shrug it off, then bend over and roll my panties down. After standing back up I look over my shoulder at him. His body is posed for action. I slowly turn. He takes two giant steps forward so that he is now upon me. I wrap my arms around his neck as his hands run down my back and his fingers grasp my butt.

“You need to undress,” I command. With a light push I move him away, then crawl over the top of his bed. “Come on, undress, I want you to join me.”

That seems to get him moving. He undresses so fast it’s almost comical, which gives me time to get comfortable under his comforter.

Rashad’s body is strong, healthy, and toned. He’s obviously turned on, I smile, looking down to his groin, I’m pleased, he’s large but not too large, I hope he has skill so tonight will be fun. He prowls like a feral cat across his bed. When he reaches me, he throws back the covers. His hand runs down the length of my body. I run my hands through the silk of his hair. As his mouth follows his hands, his lips quickly land on a breast. I gasp. His fingers continue slowly down. They move along my folds, my legs spread to give him better access as my hips involuntarily rotate. His clever fingers slide into me while his thumb circles my clit.

Simultaneously he sucks my nipple into his mouth; the roughness of his beard feels startling as he takes a deep draw. It causes a web of tingles to spread across both breasts. My head and back arch as I feel myself quicken.

“I’ve got you coming,” he growls into my chest,

His breath on my now wet nipple makes me shudder. I can tell my body’s reaction pleases him. It’s turning him on even more, while I take advantage and lean into the feelings of him exploring my body. His head moves further down south, licking a trail across my stomach on his retreat.

I release a deep guttural moan.

“You like that,” he murmurs with glee.

Nice, he likes getting me off. His body moves still lower down as he spreads my legs and takes my clit into his mouth. His beard provides added friction to my delicate parts, while he hoovers me, then licks in such a way I find myself bucking as his hands firmly hold me tight to his face. It doesn’t take long before I break apart into a million little pieces. Gasping loudly, I grab handfuls of his sheets while my body racks from his attention. He releases my clit and stalks up along my body.

“I like the sounds you make when you’re coming. I’ve waited for this for too long,” he growls.

My body is alive with sensations as his body radiates heat. On his way up me, he licks my belly, each nipple, my neck. His mouth lands on mine sucking in my tongue, my arms twist around his torso, as my fingers rake along the contours of his back. His skin is soft and warm to the touch. He releases me, stretches towards an end table, he fumbles for a few seconds until he finds a condom and rolls it on. He positions himself over me, I open my eyes, he smiles, like a cat ready to pounce on its prey.

He centers himself, “Olivia,” he growls. “I’m going to fuck you good and hard, the way a woman like you needs to be fucked.”

Did he learn to say that in England or is he secretly a reader of women’s romance novels? I feel a chuckle bubble to my lips as he plunges into me. I shriek at the impact, it feels deep, as he stretches me, I feel the burn, but in a good way, like the satisfying way it feels when you scratch a bite. I give out another small shriek, then moan as he pulls himself completely out and rams himself back inside of me again. I open my eyes, his forehead is furled, his eyes are all squinted, and his mouth is determined as he plunges himself inside of me again. I wrap my legs around him in an attempt to control the velocity of his thrusts. But this has no effect, he’s too strong. He’s like a bull, marking what’s his.

No, I’m not his, well, maybe tonight, I might be a little bit his tonight. He continues to thrust faster. My already quaking body continues to throb. His pace increases. As his pace gets frantic, he makes a deep guttural moan, then another as his thrusts are less athletic and more quick and precise. He finally lets out a sigh as he lowers his head to my chest. My breathing is so hard I can’t speak. I release the sheets from my clenched fists and run my fingers through his soft curls. My entire body hums as I look down and to the top of his head which is now on my breasts, while the weight of his torso pins me down. As his weight becomes uncomfortable, he rolls off of me and moves so his face is at my level.

“A Saudi man knows how to make love to a woman,” he growls, all satisfied and cocky.

“Yes, you sure do.”

He runs the back of his knuckles down my cheek, rolls over onto his back. “I never understood the benefit of senioritis before.”

“My inability to focus on what I’m here to do makes you happy?”

He rolls back onto his side and looks at me way too seriously, “No, Olivia, you make me happy.”

Externally I smile, internally a thin shiver of dread runs down my core. I like playing games, I like being in control. But I don’t want to leave destruction in my wake. He’s not my future, I am not his future. We would never work. Do I leave right now? If I stay, if we do this again, would I leave too much of a scar? He’s given me way too much power.

A blanket of exhaustion envelops me. Rashad tucks me in close. I smell his natural manly musky smell. He smells like sex and testosterone. Nothing a perfume company could ever bottle. I’ll just take a little cat nap before I call a car. I snuggle in deep as he places his arm protectively around me.

A couple of hours later I wake, the room is dark, we’ve rolled away from each other. I lay ambivalently in Rashad’s bed, staring at the ceiling unable to fall back to sleep. Finally, I get up, snatch my clothes and bag from the floor and head to his bathroom. My hair is a matt of snarls while my makeup is all smeared across my face. I clean myself up and then dress. I look at my phone, it’s almost midnight. Damn, why did I wear high heels, why can’t he live on campus? I want to sleep in my own bed. I don’t want to deal with Rashad or the walk of shame in the morning. With resolve, I leave his bathroom and walk into his bedroom. He’s sprawled across the bed, naked, deep in sleep. There’s enough moonlight streaming in that I can make out his form. His body looks good, he’s surprisingly sweet, but he’s not who I want. Having sex with him did not wipe Conner out of my mind, and now I have to deal with a Rashad who’ll want more.

As I leave his room he wakes. “Olivia, where are you going?”

“To my own bed to sleep.”

“Don’t be ridiculous. It’s the middle of the night. Come back to bed. I’ll drive you back to campus tomorrow morning.”

“No, I want to sleep in my own bed tonight. Roll over, go back to sleep, I’ll call myself a car.”

“Get back in bed. I’ll fuck you again and then you’ll sleep better.”

“That’s not a solution? I can’t sleep in your bed.”

“Olivia, you are very difficult woman.”

Maybe he does get me.