The past few weeks have been rough. Is there a word to describe what comes past exhaustion? I don’t think there is but if you find it, that’s the word that describes me right now.

As soon as I arrived home from New York, I hit the ground running. Drowning in paperwork revisions and work stuff; I’ve had no time to myself.

The last time I spoke with my dad he advised me to hire someone that could take care of the restaurant’s book keeping for me part time but I’m just too much of a control freak to let that happen, yet.

The only thing keeping me sane is that moment, everyday where I get to speak to Kaitlyn.

My conversations with Kaitlyn have been so good. Sometimes we just leave each other messages because she’s been busy with work and writing and with the time zones, sometimes I fall asleep as soon as my head hits something soft. Yeah, a few days ago, I fell asleep over Muffin, but hey, it’s not my fault that the pup is as soft as a pillow.

I’ve slowly learned about her routine and random stuff about her work, but lately, I’ve been wanting to know more about her, about her life. I know it’s not easy for her to talk about her family. I can practically hear the pain in her typed words whenever I try to address the topic. I don’t blame her for being cautious about what she shares, I haven’t exactly been opened about my own past or even my present. This is why two nights ago, I decided to open up a little about something that has recently been bothering me. I smile as I remember the conversation that lead to this point, she was talking about Brooke. I’ve come to realize she’s one of her favorite topics to talk about, and I can understand why, I don’t even know the girl and I think she’s awesome.

Kaitlyn: Then somehow, Brooke burned her water!

Me: How do you burn water? Is that even possible?

Kaitlyn: Aye, it is! Well, the water evaporates but the pot gets burned. I also have a confession to make.

Me: Oh, do tell.

Kaitlyn: I've also burnt water before and it was all your fault

Me: Lmao, how is it my fault?

Kaitlyn: I was daydreaming about you.

Me: You’re cute.

Kaitlyn: Stop it!

Me: What? You are, I bet you get that a lot.

Kaitlyn: No, nobody calls me cute, because I’m not.

Me: I think you are. You’re one of those rare combinations where cute meets sexy as fuck.

Kaitlyn: LOL! Believe me, there’s nothing sexy about me.

Me: I beg to differ.

Kaitlyn: I think you’re projecting. I bet women tell you how sexy you are all the time.

Me: Yeah, but you know, comes with the territory.

Kaitlyn: Arse!

Me: Haha, well what can I say? I’m sexy and I know it.

Kaitlyn: Can I ask you something?

Me: You mean besides the question that you just asked?

Kaitlyn: Pfft, yeah.

Me: Shoot.

Kaitlyn: I’ve seen your picture and you’re not...bad looking. I’ve heard your voice and I bet you could make a lot of money narrating romance novels. And you have a very successful business.

Me: Okay, right now you’re just pointing all the obvious. The narration stuff is new though, points for being original. But, is there an actual question to all of this?

Kaitlyn went silent for a few minutes and then began typing the million dollar question.

Kaitlyn: Why are you single?

I hit the call button, because this wasn’t something easy to talk about and as soon as she answered, I wished I could be with her.

“Leo?” Kaitlyn’s voice is soft. “Did I say something wrong?”

“No, but I felt like talking. Do you mind?”

“I love hearing your voice, you know that.”

“Good, because I love hearing yours too.”

“Leo, why are you single?” she asks again.

My mind was racing ten thousand miles per hour trying to figure how to say this.

“Dating hasn’t been my thing in a long time.”

“I can’t believe that. You don’t seem the type.”

“What type would that be?” I ask intrigued by her statement.

“The first time we talked, you came off as a ladies man.” She answers.

“Is that so?”

“Yup.”

“I assure you I’m certainly not one. Like I said, dating is something I haven’t excelled at.”

“Oh.” I could hear doubt in her voice so I try a funny approach.

“I’m sorry to disappoint you. I’m not perfect. There, I said it, I know you thought of me as nothing less of perfection.”

She giggles but then her tone becomes serious again. “I feel like there’s something you’re not telling me, but I understand if I’m being a pain in the arse.”

Sighing I decide to change tactics and go with honesty.

“I wasn’t always single, you know? I had a girlfriend a couple of years ago. A serious one.”

“How serious?” Kaitlyn asks tentatively.

“Very. We were engaged.”

“You were engaged?” Her voice turns even more softer.

“Yeah.” I don’t tell her more, the lump in my throat has me pulling my phone away.

“Leo?”

“I’m still here.” I manage to answer.

“Do you want to tell me what happened?”

“We were together for almost three years. I loved her very much, she was my world. So, we decided to not to wait more than a year to make it official, but a little after that, a bit over two years ago, I was traveling a lot to L.A. to get my restaurant ready. Until everything changed. When my life changed.” I pause and breathe a couple of times before continuing. “The restaurant wasn’t finished yet, and I had to take care of some things that came up, I decided to move to L.A., it was the best option, and I asked her to come with me. She did, but a month later she started to complain about how she missed her life in New York, how she missed the old me. We started to fight, a lot, and one day she left.”

Kaitlyn gasps. “She left? Just like that?”

I couldn’t give her more details even though I wanted to.

“Yeah, I spent the next six months trying to work things with her, until the day Peyton, that’s her name, did the only thing I couldn’t excuse.”

“Oh no,” her voice breaks. “She cheated on you?”

“No,” I chuckle because that’s what my family thought, and still thinks, happened. “She didn’t cheat on me.”

“Then what was it? I don’t think there can be anything worse than cheating.”

“She asked me to choose between her and my family.” I can hear her gasp but she doesn’t say anything.

“I’ve never told anyone this,” I confess.

“Not even your family?” Kaitlyn asks.

“No, especially not my family. And there’s something I haven’t told you.” Kaitlyn’s voice trembles as she asks. “What is it?”

“Peyton showed up at my Nonna’s birthday party. My sister and mom invited her. They still consider her as family, but this is because they don’t know what she said to me.”

“Do you still love her?” I could hear her sobbing and something inside me ached at the thought of hurting her.

“No, baby, I don’t.” I assure her. “Whatever we had broke and it’s not something that can be fixed.”

“You don’t know that, maybe your family is right. Maybe you need to work out things with her, and they still love her.”

“But I don’t. And yeah, in a way they still think one day I’ll get back together with her but that’s only because they don’t know the truth about what really happened. If they knew they wouldn’t want her anywhere near them or me.”

“Why haven’t you told them?”

“Because, Peyton is a bitch but it wasn’t just her, it was my fault too.” I sigh. “I didn’t want people hating on her, I knew she would move on and eventually she would be out of our lives.”

“Maybe she still has feelings for you, she showed at your Nonna’s party and,” I cut her off and laugh.

“No baby, she was there because she needed something from me.”

“What? What did she want from you.”

“She’s getting married and she wanted me to sign our old apartment over, so she could live there with her future husband.”

“Seriously? And you told her to feck off, right?”

“Nah, I signed it over. It was hers after all. I never planned on going back to it.”

“You’re an amazing guy, Leo DeLuca.” Kaitlyn says, and a sense of pride washes over me. It’s been a long time since I wanted to be an amazing guy for a girl. But I do, I want to be Kaitlyn’s amazing guy.

“In the immortal words of Han Solo,” I pause for dramatic effect. “I know.”

Kaitlyn laughs and I join her. “Well, now that I’ve told you one of my biggest secrets, maybe someday you’ll share one of yours with me.”

“Maybe.” That’s all she says before we say goodnight.

I keep replaying our conversation over and over. I know I shouldn’t but I can’t help but overanalyze every word, every reaction. I can’t deny my feelings for Kaitlyn, I don’t want to hurt her; but I can’t let her go either.

Sleep slowly starts to take over as I wonder if I’m ever going to find someone I can share my life with, or if what happened with Peyton would repeat over and over again. Because if there’s something in this life I’m certain of, no matter what happens, without hesitations, I will always choose them.