Chapter 86

Jesse

As Hal fell asleep, Jesse continued to run her fingers through his hair as she ran through a long string of thoughts in her head.

She was concerned for Hal, of course. She was almost positive that there was something going on with Hal. She admitted that she hadn’t known Hal for very long, but in that span of time, she hadn’t known him to be a heavy drinker. So the fact that he had been sleeplessly drinking was at least enough to warrant concern.

He seemed fine now that she was here, but that, too, inspired concern in Jesse.

She tried to think back on all the conversations they had had over the time they had been seeing one another, and she looked back especially on the night at his cabin when he had been so utterly outraged with her. She also remembered that he had asked her to spend the night with him. She felt bad, knowing that if she had just agreed, he would likely have been able to put his thoughts to rest and sleep.

Jesse wondered just what kind of bad thoughts he was having, and if they were entirely related to her or if they were hinged upon events that had occurred in his past.

Jesse looked down at Hal’s peaceful face as he slept, and she felt a surge of protectiveness for him wash over her. She didn’t want him to ever feel anxious or scared, especially not because of her. She wondered how she would ever be able to relay to him that she was devoted to him and that she wanted to be with him.

She could also understand, though, how he would have a hard time understanding that. From what she could remember of what he told her about his past, he had already gone through the horrible process of losing someone that he deeply loved. He had told her of his decision to go on with his career rather than to keep up his search for the woman he had loved.

Jesse could see now where his fear of her abandonment came into play. He obviously felt as though he had abandoned the woman that he once loved, and he was afraid that now, through some twist of fate, that the same thing would happen to him.

Jesse wished that she knew the words to say to convince him that his worries were baseless and that she wouldn’t abandon him because of his success, or for any other reason. She knew, though, that there was really nothing she could say to convince him and that she would just have to prove it by staying with him.

Jesse decided that the best answer to this problem would be if she moved in with him. She was sure that he wouldn’t take issue with it, as he had already offered it up to her on many occasions. At first, she had been reluctant to accept, not wanting for him to feel crowded or smothered and to allow their relationship to have some room to breathe.

Now though, she came to see that what she saw as breathing room, Hal saw as a smothering distance. The last thing that she wanted was for Hal to worry about what she was doing when they were apart. Especially given his particularly sensitive state for the time being, she would probably bring up that issue with him whenever he woke up.

Jesse felt a sick feeling, though, as she remembered the other issues she would have to discuss with him whenever he woke up. She had been so taken aback by the revelation that he was sleepless, hungover, and injured that she had forgotten what had happened that morning.

Jesse felt bitter hatred toward Elaine, which she had never imagined she would ever feel toward another human being in her entire life.

Jesse had no idea how Hal would even react to what she had to tell him. More than that, Jesse was horribly afraid that he wouldn’t believe her when she told him that she wanted nothing to do with it. She knew he had already voiced his suspicions once, and now that reality was so close to what he accused her of, she was afraid that this would be a repeat of the other night at the cabin.

Jesse didn’t know that he would believe her a second time, and Jesse felt a sharp pain at the idea that she would lose him. Unconsciously, she buried her hands in Hal’s hair and held him a little tighter, pressing her lips against his forehead. She couldn’t help being afraid that this might be one of the last times that she got to hold him.

At this point, Jesse didn’t know what she would do without Hal. She had fallen completely in love with him to the point that she was ready to completely give up on her journalism career if that’s what it took to keep him. Now, though, she feared that not even that would be enough to persuade Hal that she was faithful and not just another writer intent on revealing his past to get a good story out of him.

Jesse laid there, her emotions working themselves into knots in her stomach for a long while. At length, she began to try and plan out what it was she was going to say to Hal and how she would convince him that this had all just unfolded, and that it hadn’t been a long time in the making. No matter what words she came up with, though, the fear of his rebuke still gnawed at her, and she couldn’t seem to dismiss it.

In the end, after playing what seemed like a thousand scenarios over in her mind, Jesse decided to just be still and enjoy the feeling of him in her arms and the feeling of being wrapped in his.