5. – Miya
I showered upstairs in his bathroom, taking my time. I washed and conditioned my hair and then exfoliated and shaved my body. I rubbed some coconut lip balm I found on my side of the bathroom sink all over my lips and then blow dried my hair until it was thick and hanging down my back. I primped to be no one to him. I took great pride in picking out my clothes to lose my voice.
I couldn’t turn off my love.
It had already taken form. It was growing every day.
Soon, it would be bigger than me.
I just hoped it could be bigger than his darkness.
When I made it downstairs, I found him sitting at the table, mug of coffee in his hand. He watched me as I took my place. There were egg whites and avocado toast. I ate without a word, looking at my plate the entire time.
The quiet was louder than my pounding heart. Which said something, since around him, it was constantly set to: pound out of my chest.
“Look at me while you eat,” he ordered.
I gave him my eyes, but nothing else.
His tightened, like he could see I was doing something, but he couldn’t figure out what exactly it was I was even doing.
Just following your orders, Master.
He gave me a slow, deliberate grin. “You’re not going to best me.”
I said nothing. Felt nothing. I ate looking into his rich brown eyes.
His grin fell a little. “No one likes a martyr, Miya.”
I blinked emptily.
“I can bring the life back to your eyes. Since you seem so hellbent on keeping it from me like the fucking brat you are. Why do you have to be such a brat, huh?” But he smiled warmly, like he enjoyed it. “You cannot, not even once, do what you’re told without a war.” His hand slapped against the table and I jumped. “Well, you’ve got one. I’ll bring the life back to your eyes.”
I gave him nothing.
He tapped his fingers against his chin in contemplation. “What should I do to you?”
I put my chin in my hand and held his beautiful eyes.
“Something to make you scream, at the same time as you look at me the way you did the night I took your virginity. You remember that night? Your pussy was mine, wholly and completely, after that night.”
Bastard. I fought to keep the memory from my eyes.
His sizzled. “If you give me your eyes I’ll take you to my chambers.”
But he hadn’t said I’d get anything from it. I remained stoic.
He chuckled. “You’re a smart brat.”
Something started to happen in me.
One order too many.
Hope was seeping through the cracks in my heart.
Something drastic was on the tip of my tongue. He’d never leave his life-style behind. Not even for me.
My soul took over my lips. “I think we should take a break.”
His chuckle exploded. “What?”
“I think we should take a break.” My heart exploded along with his chuckle. “This was a test, Jaxon. And you failed. I gave you my heart and you lied, hurt, and took the first option I gave for you to keep my heart there. Right where you wanted it. Empty.” My eyes stung. “You don’t want me. You want my submission. And I know that. I understand. I knew it when I gave it to you. But you close the blinds and hold me down, and you throw my heart away again, and again. I can’t do it anymore!” I wailed.
He remained still. His eyes exhibited his confusion. He looked like he’d short circuited. “You… want to… leave me?” He placed his palms on the table top, and I feared he did that because he wanted to spank me.
If he did, it would only hurt. And since I was no longer his submissive as of five seconds ago, the notion made me feel dirty. When I consented, it felt like many things, none of which were dirty. But the fact that he still wanted to punish me proved everything I was feeling was right. When Jaxon’s secret was revealed, that he had a vasectomy and would rather have control over me than to have my heart, he’s fisted my light and crushed it.
It showed me what I had forced myself not to see.
I was not a submissive.
I was a broken woman who fell in love with a broken prince.
“Yes,” I whispered, my tears trailing down my cheeks. “This is all too much for me. Everything hurts, all day and night. There’s only minor relief before you’re hurting me again. I love you, Jaxon. I love you more than I’ve ever loved anyone. Maybe that was my mistake. I want this. I’ll stick around forever just to have you, but I don’t want to hurt forever!” I cried. “I feel like I’ve hurt my entire life. It’s everywhere I look. Everything I feel hurts! And you can’t even see it! You let me go back to a place where I’m nothing to you, as if I haven’t suffered just to be a shred of something to you. I let another man take my mouth!” I screamed, rising to my feet and screaming into his face. “I gave you my virginity. And what did you do? You cheated with your ex-Mistress!” I didn’t realize how much I had pent up inside of me until it all came flowing out. “I love you,” I sobbed, watching his face break wide open.
His hands shook on the table top. His eyes became glossy orbs filled with dark panic. Maybe it wasn’t fair of me. I hadn’t realized I’d reached my point of no return until I was willing to take only his pain in exchange for him.
I couldn’t do that forever.
I didn’t want to.
My heart did.
She ached for this man. Yearned for every part of him. But maybe he wasn’t going to give me every part. He was a man who was only willing to give me what he wanted. Perhaps I should have realized that sooner before I gave him so much of me. I had nothing left but my ability to say yes.
My right to say no more.
“This doesn’t have to happen if you can promise me we can be more,” I told him, hyperventilating. My entire body shook. I was seconds from taking it back.
What was I doing? I loved him.
But did you love yourself? I didn’t know.
And I knew for certain that Jaxon didn’t love himself. He loved me. I didn’t love myself. I loved him. We were empty, and the other filled those places that were depthless and dark. But we did not fill those places inside of ourselves, and in doing so, we’d always be empty pools of pain.
“I want more from you. Less tears and more smiles. I don’t know. Just more. The Jaxon I went to dinner with and the Jaxon I fell in love with. Maybe he never existed. Maybe I just made him up.”
The realization slammed into me. Maybe I had cultivated him in my mind. I reached forward to touch his hand to see if he was real. He was. He flinched out from under my touch, his chest rising and falling so rapidly I could see his pulse thrumming in his neck. He was going to explode.
Break.
I sobbed into my hands. I didn’t want to break him. I wanted to put us back together.
“Please say something,” I begged.
He shot up from the table, his feet pacing the room. The moment I shifted, he spun, staring down at me like I was going to leave. His eyes were bugged out of his head. The sweat on his brow was thick and pungent. His hands shook at his sides.
“I… need you, Miya. You have to know how much. I need you!” he howled, dropping to his knees in front of me. He wrapped his arms around my waist and shoved his head into my lap. “Do not leave me. You can’t.”
I hiccupped on my sob. “I don’t want to leave you.” I held his head to me firmly, threading my fingers through the locks of his sweaty black hair. I cradled him to me. Holding on to my broken man with all my might.
We were broken.
Twisted up in all the things that had been done to us. We hadn’t made the conscious decision to be this shattered. But we were. We were shattered beyond belief, and it was up to me to put us back together. He never would. He didn’t know how.
“But I can’t stay like this. In the basement, like a nobody. I want to be in your bed, like a somebody. After everything, I deserve that. I deserve to have you the way I want, and not the way you created.”
“I can’t be what you want!” he growled, pulling back with hurt and fire in his eyes. “Don’t you get that? I’m not a regular guy. I’ll never hold your hand at the grocery store and send you flowers for no reason. I’m going to make you come like a faucet and then take care of you after I’m done.” He clutched my tear-soaked face and brought it close to his. He pressed a salty pained kiss to my lips. The entire time his eyes stayed opened.
The look that resided in them made me still. It was crazed. His back was to the wall. His hold on me tightened.
“Jaxon, let me go.”
“No,” he said simply.
I tried to free myself, but his fingertips pressed roughly into my temple. “Let. Me. Go. We’re not playing games right now.”
“I was never playing games, you silly girl. I was winning them.” He stood up with me in his arms, grappling with me when I fought him.
“What are you doing?” I screamed, pounding against his chest as he tried to get me into his arms.
He held my arms down and lifted me over his shoulder. “Giving up. Here is your monster, Miya. You wanted him, now you got him.” He marched me into the back of the house.
Toward the basement.
After I had just broken up with him.
Oh shit.
“Jaxon, put me down right now.” I tried to remain calm. “You’re breaking the trust between submissive and Dominant right now. Don’t break that trust, too.”
“I’m not your dominant anymore. You just broke our bond. Now I’m your worst nightmare.” He set me down on my feet in the basement. “Welcome to hell, sweet girl.”