6. – Jaxon
Some moments in life defined us.
I had many.
- The very first time I was raped as a child. The scent of his hot breath. The feeling of my soul being ripped out from under me. That lasted two years.
- The day the state took me from my mother and forced me to live with my aunt Pyper.
- The first time Vega slapped the shit out of me and then made me come.
- The moment I got my M.D. degree. It was growth in a fruitless garden.
- The first time I took a submissive. It was control in a way I’d never had.
- The most monumental moment in my entire life was the day Miya Reemond walked into my Intro to Psych class and my heart skipped at the sight of the innocence in her eyes, the way her cheeks pinked when she saw me staring, the way she undressed me with her eyes in class.
- The first time Miya said she loved me.
- When I took her virginity.
- When she submitted.
- When she stole my heart out from under me.
- And today, when she broke it.
A single moment can rearrange the molecules in the air around us, shift the tide of our soul. It can turn us inside out or help us stand. The moment those words left her lips: “I think we should take a break.” A part of me irrevocably broke. It would never heal. No matter how this played out. Even if I managed to score a minivan and trap her inside forever, she showed me how weak I was with seven little words.
I didn’t have any control.
That’s why I took it out on women. Because every single woman in my life drove knife after knife into my chest. The people I was supposed to trust as a child demolished any and all trust in me. Vega hadn’t helped me. She’d capitalized on my consuming pain. She was fucked up, too. She had to be. Turning men into playthings.
I knew.
Because I turned every woman in my life into one too.
Even Miya.
A woman who undoubtedly loved me. There was no denying her love for me. It was in her eyes. In her beautiful soul. I could feel it, see it, bathe in it—Miya loved me more than she loved herself.
It was cathartic, having someone love me that much. So much that they’d leave me just to keep that love intact. Too bad for her I wasn’t nearly as selfless. I was a selfish, monstrous bastard. I would dig my claws into her heart again and again, until there was nothing left. I’d pluck every damn petal from her rose, until she was nothing but a thorn. And then I’d prick myself on her, repeatedly, until I dripped blood on to every inch of the ground beneath my feet.
And then I’d lie in it. Forever. With her staring at me the way she was staring at me now.
How could you, Jaxon?
What’s wrong with you?
Why are you doing this to me?
I love you!
I’d had her in the basement for two days now. She’d stopped talking to me. I hadn’t said a word. I stared at her huddled on the sofa. I knew she was hungry, but she refused to eat the food I brought her. She’d drunk the water, but only because her dry throat made it hard to scream at me.
I sat on the floor at the bottom of the stairs. I was metaphorically holding my breath. Waiting for her to claw her way out and force my hand. I’d tie her down if that’s what it took.
“Stop looking at me, would you!” she shouted, glaring so profusely at me it almost, almost, blocked the love in her gaze.
She loved me.
She had no choice.
She had to stay.
She was mine.
I kept replaying those thoughts in my head.
She was mine.
She couldn’t leave.
But she could. That was the breaking point. The moment when clarity demanded justice and all I had left were my crimes.
“Sam will come looking for me,” she sneered.
My top lip curled over my teeth. He’d love that. To come in here and be her prince. The fucking normal bastard. He was fucked up, but he still had a way with the light.
I envied him. I wanted that suddenly. The desire to touch the light had tears in my eyes, but I blinked them back.
Miya’s face softened, which meant I probably hadn’t hid it well. “Please talk to me, baby,” she begged softly.
My entire heart took a deep breath at her softness. It needed that. I was hard, she was soft; we made perfect sense together. Why hadn’t I ever seen that before? Why had I tried so hard to make her hard like me? Her beauty lay in the fact that she was forgiving. That she was strong. She was sweet. She was innocent and even with the pain of her abuse as a child, she was still hopeful.
I put my face in my hands. I felt a weight land on my chest. I had to do this. For her. She’d given up so much for me. The least I could do was give up everything for her.
“Can I talk without you screaming at me?” I asked, meeting her gaze.
She nodded, watching me carefully.
It was the first time I’d spoken in two days. “I love you, Miya. It scares me. It shows me all of my ugly parts, and I hate seeing those ugly parts. But they’re there regardless of if I acknowledge them. You show them to me, because deep down I know if I ever want to keep you, I have to do something about them. And how can I do that? Huh, sweetheart? How can I get rid of my ugly parts without leaving myself completely empty?”
She swallowed hard, her eyes glimmering. “You don’t have ugly parts, Jaxon. You have broken parts. Just like me. I love those parts just as much as I love you. Those parts made you who you are. How can I not love them?”
My eyes slid shut, blocking out the earnestness in her gaze, the depth in her words. She meant that. She believed that. Normally, I’d keep my eyes closed, think of a way to reinstate my control over my emotions, which probably ended up with a hand print on her ass some way, some form.
I couldn’t keep doing that to her. I couldn’t keep holding her down and hurting her to stay.
I had to trust that she would.
I had to stop being her Dominant.
And start being her strength.
“Thank you, sweet girl.” I opened my eyes and let her see my terror.
Her eyes widened, seeing me for the first time. All of me. The weak broken parts.
“Miya, can we start over? I’ll put my whips away. I’ll leave the orders at the door. No more punishments. No more darkness. No more pain. I’ll do whatever you want. But you can’t leave me. You leave, you take everything from me.”
If only it was that easy.
“What are you saying?” She sat up, her tender puffy lips opening in shock.
The sight of them still made my cock hard. Instilling pain was embedded in my DNA. It would take years maybe to pull it, strand by strand, from the thread-like chain of my genetics. But I would. For her. The sensation was so profound, I didn’t realize how heavy being a Dominant had weighed on my soul until I no longer wanted to be one.
“I don’t want to be a sexual Dominant anymore.” The words left me in a rush of defiance and fear.
She stood to her feet, her face a mask of shock. “Jaxon. You… you’re going to give that up? For me?”
I smiled sadly at her shock. “I’m not giving anything up. I’m doing what I have to do to keep you. And if that means to let that lifestyle go, then I have to do it. Don’t I?”
My voice still held a shred of hope that she’d tell me no. It’s okay, Master. Spank me until we’re eighty.
She didn’t. She smiled apologetically, her tears spilling over. “Oh, Jaxon.” She ran at me.
I stood up and caught her in my arms, wrapping them so tightly around her, she squeaked, but didn’t let me go. Maybe I could work the pain in my DNA into moments like this. Hug her so hard it hurt. Kiss her so hard her lips were bruised from affection, not my teeth. Fuck her so hard and good she cried after because she was so happy, instead of so sore.
Maybe I just had to figure out how to be human again.
Or for the very first time.