The moment Gunner and I walk into Faith and Zane’s home, the sadness and grief hits me. The air is knocked out of my lungs, and I have to pause at the doorway to gather myself. The room is filled. Never had I imagined this type of friendship and love, much less experienced it. But now, I’m thrust into the middle of it, whether I feel comfortable and able to handle it or not.
As my eyes scan the room, they fall on Faith and Zane, who are sitting together on the couch. Zane with his arms around her, whispering into her ear. Faith’s face is hidden in Zane’s chest and her body is shaking.
Julia and Andre are sitting in the loveseat perpendicular to Zane and Faith. Andre is staring somberly into space, while Julia’s hand grasps his, offering quiet support.
In the kitchen, I hear movement, then see Zane’s mother come into the living room.
Gunner walks toward Faith and bends down to whisper in her ear. She looks up, stands, and wraps her arms around him. Regardless of the fact I know it is a gesture of comfort, I can’t help but feel a sharp pang in my heart.
Zane’s eyes meet mine, tilting his head in acknowledgment.
“How are your parents?” Gunner asks Faith.
Wiping her eyes and nose with a tissue, she answers, “Mother is beside herself. I… I don’t think she ever expected this to happen. I mean, Cristian… he seemed so—invincible. My rock growing up. My protector. Daddy, is—I don’t know. He seemed so composed when I last spoke to him. I don’t know.” She takes a deep breath. Her eyes stray to me, and she gives me a sad, forced smile.
“I’m sorry for your loss,” I offer, not knowing what else to say.
What words can you offer that alleviates someone’s pain in such a situation? For a brief moment, I feel horrible—I don’t want to be here, all I want to do is go back to the safety of my home. Uncomfortable and not knowing what else to do, I stroke Thor’s fur, the feel of his curly hair under my fingers and the way he buries his face in my chest offering much-needed comfort and a calming effect.
She grasps my hand, forcing me to let go of Thor’s fur, and gives it a gentle squeeze. Turning back to Gunner, she continues, “Daddy said they were catching the first flight here. Momma is—she needs to see me. I”—her voice breaks—“I need my momma.” Tears fill her eyes and escape, streaming down her face. “I’m not ready to do it again, Gunner. I barely made it through Jake’s—”
“Shhhh.” Gunner takes her in his arms. He places a kiss on the crown of her head and looks at Zane. “We’re all here for you and the girls. Speaking of the girls, where are they?”
“They’re upstairs. Rylee hasn’t stopped crying, and Skylar is trying to distract her,” Zane answers the question. “The twins and Andre’s little one are with Julia’s mother at their house. Your parents offered to come help with the kids if we need them. They are on standby. If you don’t mind”—Zane glances at me—“can you go check on the girls? Faith needs to cry herself out before she sees Rylee. This—”
“Of course,” I quickly reply, grateful to be excused. With Rylee on my mind, I’m taken aback when Gunner gives me a quick, soft kiss on the lips.
“Thank you,” he whispers against my lips.
Once upstairs, I follow Skylar’s voice. “Look, Rylee. Remember when Uncle Cristian fell asleep on the couch and I wanted to play makeup? You wouldn’t let me practice on you. Instead, you sent me to the living room where Uncle Cristian was and told me to work my magic. He woke up as soon as I put the lipstick to his lips, but he stayed still after I gave him my best puppy eye look.”
Standing in the doorway, I observe Rylee and Skylar. Rylee’s eyes fill with more tears as she rests her head on her younger sister’s lap on the futon in Rylee’s room. Skylar is playing with Rylee’s hair, her other arm outstretched, holding a photo to Rylee’s eyes.
“Rylee, look. Please,” Skylar begs her sister. “I don’t want you to be sad.”
“It hurts too much, Skylar. Just—”
“Stop it,” Skylar says sharply. “This is not how we’re supposed to act. You and Momma always talk about my Daddy Jake. You need to do the same with Uncle Cristian. Talk to me. Help me know him through you. I didn’t know him as well as you did. You were always his favorite. His baby Rylee.”
“Skylar, stop—” Rylee’s sobs cut off her protest.
“Rylee, he looked hilarious,” Skylar continues on despite Rylee’s tears. “Daddy couldn’t stop laughing when I called him into the room. He took a picture to make fun of Uncle Cristian and to show Uncle Andre.”
“I told you to stop.” Rylee jumps off the futon and faces Skylar. “Stop, stop, stop! You’re not helping. Go away and leave me alone.”
Looking up with tearful eyes and a quivering lip, Skylar adamantly shakes her head.
“You don’t understand how much it hurts because you didn’t know him like I did. Your life has been perfect. J-just go away.” Rylee turns and walks away from her sister.
Unable to stop myself, I step forward, catching Skylar’s attention. The look in her eyes is heartbreaking. She may not have known Cristian as well as her sister, but she still loved him, and she’s trying to be the rock her sister needs her to be. She’s so strong for such a young little person.
“I’m only trying to help,” she whimpers as I kneel before her.
“I know, but she’s hurting. Can you give me a moment with her?” My hand involuntarily moves to brush away a stray hair and place it behind her ear.
Both girls need a loving embrace. As much as I feel for Skylar, Rylee needs me more.
“Please help her,” her small, broken voice tears at my heart.
At my nod, she places the photograph on the futon and leaves the room.
Reaching Rylee, I place my hand on her shoulder. “Rylee…” Not knowing what else to say or how she’ll react, I let her name trail off.
She turns to me and steps back. “What are you doing here?” Her question is abrupt and furious. They hit me like a punch to the stomach.
“I came with Gunner.” My answer is hesitant, and I start to question my presence in her room. Should I even be here? What can I offer her if she refused her sister’s comfort?
“Why?”
“Because he asked me to.” Her animosity takes me by surprise because this isn’t the Rylee I know. “Sweetie—”
“Stop.” She holds up her hand and shakes her head. “I am not your sweetie. You don’t belong here. Leave.”
“But—”
“Didn’t you hear me? I said ‘leave!’” Her rejection hurts. “Do you think you can come here and offer me comfort? Because you can’t. All I want is my momma, but I need to stay up here until she’s finished falling apart. I hate this. I hate, hate, hate our lives. Everyone we love dies. Why—” Her voice breaks, and she looks up at me, eyes shining and a lost look on her face.
“I don’t know, sw… Rylee. I’m here if you want me to be because I’m your friend.”
“You’re my hairdresser,” she corrects me, another strike to my heart.
“I… I thought I was your friend.”
“No.” She shakes her head violently. “You can’t be my friend because every person in my life leaves.”
“That’s not true.” Afraid of more rejection, but unable to let her fall apart on her own, I carefully reach for her again. “Your mother is here, Zane, Skylar, Gunner, your friends—”
“My mother”—she sneers, disgusted—“didn’t want me. She gave me away like I meant nothing to her, and my momma accepted me as her own. She’s been so good to me, so why does she keep hurting? She’s hurt enough. First losing my daddy, Kristian, and now my Uncle Cristian.”
“Rylee—”
“Go! Just leave.” She screams as she grabs the closest thing to her and throws it. Hitting the wall, the small crystal figurine shatters into a million pieces, just like my heart is breaking for her. “I don’t need—” Her knees buckle, and she falls to the floor.
Kneeling, I gather her and let her fall apart in my arms. My fingers stroke her hair, and I remain silent as her body shakes.
Within seconds of the commotion, she’s being pulled out of my arms, and I struggle to keep from protesting.
“Baby, I’m here. I’m so sorry,” Faith whispers in Rylee’s ear as she takes her from me and wraps her arms around her. Like always, I remain on the outside looking in. Tears burn my eyes, and I have to swallow the protest that wants to fall from my lips. It hurts watching them in each other’s arms, because when I held Rylee, for that short moment, I was whole.
Now, she is holding tightly onto Faith. Mother and daughter. Together.
Gunner helps me up and wraps his arm around me. As he’s leading me out, I turn my head to get one last glimpse of Rylee. Skylar has now joined them, and like the true family that they are, Faith, Zane, Rylee, and Skylar are sitting on the floor, arms around each other, mourning the loss of a loved one.
My eyes close in pain because I could have had that. The family, the love, the unity, but I tossed it all away.
After taking a moment to compose myself, I look up at Gunner. His eyes look strained and his jaw is clenched. Wrapping my arms around him, I stop him and bring my hand to his cheek. He leans into my touch, and I rise to the tip of my toes to give him a kiss. “I’m sorry, Gunner, that I can’t do anything to help.”
“You’re helping me, Heidi. Just being here in my arms, you’re helping me. Giving me a reason to be sane and hold my shit together.” He buries his face in my neck, disregarding everyone around us. I hold him closely.
He’s mine. In his moment of need, he’s turning to me, and I’ll do whatever I can to help him. If that means stepping out of my comfort zone, then so be it. He’s brought light into my life. If I can give him the slightest bit of comfort, anything will be worth it. This time, I won’t be weak, and I won’t toss my second chance aside.
A week later, we find ourselves back in Faith’s home. After praying, refusing to believe he was gone, and therefore refusing to hold his memorial, Adelina relents and accepts the difficult truth. Her son is gone.
Today is Cristian’s memorial service; a day when we celebrate his life and remember him as the fun-loving son, brother, uncle, and friend he was.
Upon arriving, Gunner and I are pulled aside into a separate room, and I find myself surrounded by the remaining men of Phoenix, who arrived sporadically throughout the week. After a brief introduction, Jax, Damon, Duke, and Zeke sit throughout the available space in the office while Zane sits behind the massive desk, and Andre pulls up a chair beside him. Knowing I’m the odd woman out, I try to pull away to give them privacy but Gunner refuses to let my hand go.
“Stay”—he bends down and whispers in my ear—“I need you here, and with all the people out there, I don’t want to let you go. Will you stay with me?”
Conflicted, I look up at him. This is no place for me, and my ears shouldn’t hear what will be discussed, however my stomach tightens with the thought of being out there alone. Surrounded by strangers and not knowing what to say or how to act keeps me from saying no. Because what can you say to someone in this situation that will help or make it better?
Nodding, I settle next to him and after surprised looks from the men, the conversation begins.
“What do we know? Any leads?” Damon asks, looking at Zane.
“What is there to know except the facts?” Zane answers. “Cristian was on a mission in Mexico; I don’t know what mission, those we never discuss. He was captured and tortured. After they dug out his tracker, his signal was lost and communication went dead. When we managed to find a trace of him, certain things were found. Y’all were there.”
“Why the fuck were we pulled out if there was no body?” Jax leans forward, clearly upset and not shy about voicing his emotions. “We were pulled out before we could find his body. What the fuck is wrong with you people? With the General for not pulling rank and having every available Soldier out there searching? We should be out there looking for Cristian, not in here mourning him.”
“It’s done,” Andre answers sharply. “The order was given. H-he’s gone.”
“You don’t know that—” Jax protests
“Goddamnit! Shut the fuck up and let us finish,” Andre growls. “Don’t you think I’d still be out there right now if I had an inkling of hope he was alive? Do you think I would’ve come back home if I didn’t have concrete proof he was gone? And the General, there’s nothing he can do. Cristian was his son, but he was also a Soldier who was part of a team, and y’all know that. You know the rules.”
“Sorry,” Jax leans back and rubs his hands over his face. “I—”
“We were first informed of the situation when Adelina received a box delivered to her doorstep. These people have a long reach and knew who he was.” Andre stands and walks around, frustrated. Then, he hits the wall and bows his head. “That box… these people are heartless bastards. Adelina never should have had to see what was inside. They delivered it when she was vulnerable.”
Next to me, Gunner tenses. He brings my head to his chest and takes a deep breath. “Fuck, angel, I’m sorry.” Taking my hand, he stands and announces to the others, “I’m taking her to Skylar,” and leads me out of the office.
My heart feels heavy for him, and he doesn’t need to apologize. After discovering how Adelina found out about her son, I need to help in any possible way because no mother should have to experience such cruelty. Even if it’s just sitting here holding Gunner’s hand or sitting silently with Adelina, I will do my part.
That package she received, I’ve heard stories about what the cartels are capable of doing. The punishments they enact. Their cruelty. Their heartlessness. Their ability and willingness to go after families, even women and children. When they are on a warpath, no one is spared.
We find Skylar, in the recently added music room—Skylar informed the family she wanted to play the piano on top of being a gymnast. Being the loving and doting father that Zane is, he bought her a piano and everything a little musician could want. Gunner says it’s a bribe to keep Skylar from trying to trade in her brothers for Thor.
Except for the piano and the couch, where the General sits with his arms around Adelina and Skylar, the room is bare. Adelina is stroking Skylar’s hair and silent tears fall down her cheeks as she hums. It takes me a few bars but I recognize the “Rock-a-bye Baby” melody. My eyes fill with tears. As Adelina holds onto Skylar like a lifeline, her husband holds on to her, and I feel like an intruder.
Refusing to interrupt them, I start to turn around when Gunner leaves my side and makes his way to Adelina. Kneeling, he takes one of her hands and kisses it. I can see her hand tighten around his, and my eyes burn with emotion.
“Adelina,” Gunner says softly and gently. “Heidi knows how to play the piano. Maybe she knows some of Cristian’s favorites. Would you like for her to play?”
The General’s eyes meet mine before he looks away and swallows hard. Adeline turns to me and with a shaky smile, she nods.
Unable to do anything else but step inside the room, I make my way to the piano, and sit on the bench. Flexing my fingers, I lay them gently on the keys and play the lullaby Adelina was humming.
Hearing her sob, I pause, afraid of having hurt her.
“No. Please continue,” she pleads, her voice thick with emotion. “I used to rock my baby to sleep with this song.” At her words, I continue with the cradlesong. As I play, she speaks. “You know, this was his favorite lullaby. When he was a baby, he wouldn’t settle down to sleep unless I sang it to him. Even after he started school, he refused to go to sleep unless I sat next to him and sang this song.” A soft chuckle follows her words. “Don’t you laugh, Gunther Mateo,” she scolds.
“Remember when he saw Skylar for the first time?” Gunner asks.
“Oh, yes,” Adelina answers.
“He couldn’t understand why everyone was going crazy for her and calling her beautiful. He thought she looked like a wrinkly monkey.”
“Hey!” Skylar sounds offended, but a laugh punctuates her protest.
And so, it continues. As I play the tune on a continuous loop, the rest of the crew enters the room to share their memories of Cristian.
Hours later, the house is full of family and friends. There are tears and laughter as some of Cristian’s old Army buddies retell stories of their time with him, and they leave little mementos next to his picture to be placed in his coffin.
As the General thanks everyone for their kindness and for joining them, his eyes briefly widen before he focuses on one person in the back of the room, nevertheless he continues as if nothing. Curious, as to what would cause such a man surprise, my eyes follow his gaze and my heart drops. Before I can react, Gunner’s grasp tightens so much on my hand that I have to pinch him to loosen his grip.
“What the fuck is he doing here?” he growls out quietly, as not to disturb anyone. Looking up at him, he’s furious; his nostrils are flared, and he’s breathing deeply.
“Keep your cool,” Jax whispers out of the corner of his mouth to Gunner as everyone files out of the room and the couple that surprised Faith’s father steps forward.
With the room now empty except for the Men of Phoenix, Julia, Faith, and her parents, I observe the stilted interaction between the couple and the Castellanos.
“Lucian, what are you doing here?” the elder Castellano—the General—pulls Adelina behind him and stands before the gentleman.
Lucian gazes around the room, and his eyes briefly fall on me. Something flashes in his eyes, but his eyes focus on Gunner. Then, after a second, he turns his attention back to the General. “We come to pay our respects, Cristian. Let’s put our differences aside and be cordial.”
Adelina’s arm goes around Cristian Sr.—or the General, as I know him—as she steps up beside him. “Thank you both for coming, Lucian. Please join us in the reception area for drinks, food, and maybe we can convince Heidi to play for us again.” Her statement is more of a question for me as she turns her attention to me with a small smile.
With the addition of Lucian and his wife, my heart races and my lungs feel constricted. Though I would rather not play in front of this couple, I reluctantly nod because this is what Adelina needs.
Without further ado, I allow Gunner to lead me out of the room. Pushing my hair behind my ear, I realize my hair clip is gone. It must have fallen out during the ceremony as Gunner was playing with my hair.
Halting, I turn to Gunner and softly murmur, “My hair clip is out, and I need it. Go on without me, I’ll meet you over there.”
“No—” he protests.
“It’s okay.” Silencing him with my index finger laid gently on his lips, I look up at him and smile. “Go on with your friends. I’ll be okay, especially since everyone is ahead of us. Promise.” Adding a reassuring smile, I urge him to go ahead. Not only does he have me here for him, he has to spend time with his brothers. Right now, it’s their time.
Physically turning his body and pushing it forward, I force him to go ahead. Then I make my way to the room. I’m running through all the songs I know from memory and searching to see which are the most appropriate to play when a body hitting the wall stops me in the doorway.
Inside the room are Cristian Sr. and Lucian. The General has Lucian up against the wall, using Lucian’s suit jacket fisted in his hands to hold him hostage.
“What the hell do you think you’re doing around my wife?” Cristian Sr. growls, baffling me.
“If you’re so afraid of having me around, Cristian, then you’re the one with probl—”
“Don’t fuckin’ play games with me, Luc. You knew damn well who was going to be here and you decided to show your face after the shit you pulled years ago.”
“Oh, stop being so melodramatic,” Lucian sighs, rolling his eyes and brushing his hands over Cristian’s forearms. “Now, be a good boy and let me go.”
“You’re in my turf, asshole, and the shit you’re pulling isn’t acceptable. You’re damn lucky I didn’t plant my fist in your face, or better yet, let Gunner do the honors. That boy hates your guts and would slice you from the neck to your balls. He would do me the favor in the blink of an eye.”
“Don’t threaten me—”
“Excuse me.” I finally gather the nerve to interrupt them because this is no place for such talk, regardless of their past. Whatever that is. “I… I, my clip fell out, and I need to retrieve it, gentlemen.”
The General lets Lucian go and takes a step back, avoiding eye contact with me and clearing his throat. Both men should be ashamed of their behavior, especially Cristian Sr.
After retrieving my clip, I try to make my escape, but Lucian is blocking the door. Gazing down at me, he searches my face with an intensity that scares me. “E-excuse me.” My eyes drop and I hold my breath until he lets me pass.
I take deep breaths and make my way to the piano, each step praying Lucian or his wife don’t recognize me.