Despite my love for music and feeling the keys beneath my fingertips, the night drags on and my nerves are frayed. The normal calmness and feeling of peace that music normally evokes in me doesn’t bless me. From the moment I sit down to play, I feel questioning eyes on me.
I breathe a sigh of relief when guests start to leave and the Men of Phoenix bring out the alcohol and distribute glasses for drinks and shots.
“Today, we celebrate Cristian. A badass motherfucker who knew no fear and had balls of steel. Today, we drink to our brother.” Andre raises his shot glass.
“To my son.” Cristian Sr. raises his.
“To my uncle.” Rylee raises her glass of sweet tea.
“To one of the best damn Soldiers to ever grace this Earth.” Zane raises his.
“To Cristian.” Everyone saludes, and those with shots tip them back to honor him.
Sitting at the piano, at first, I’m taken aback that they would drink to him, but after seeing Adelina and the other women with a ghost of a smile and tears streaming down their faces, I finally understand. For them, this is for their son, brother, friend, comrade. This is how they love and honor him, not by shying away from the memory but by embracing, drinking to, and voicing their memories.
After the children are put to bed, and many of the last of attendees leave—including the unanimously unliked Cantarellis—the family continues. I am finally able to breathe freely, not only because they were gone, but because Gunner relaxes.
It’s because of this that Gunner ends up sloshed. So much so that I have to drive his big ol’ truck home, after loading a very handsy and loving Gunner into the passenger seat and an excited Thor—he loves this truck—into the back seat.
“Give me a kiss, Heidi,” Gunner slurs his words as he leans toward me. One hand tightly gripping the steering wheel, I use my other to push him away.
“Ew. Your breath smells like a distillery, Gunner.”
“Come on, baby, I need you. Those luscious lips of yours on mine. Those soft hands of yours cupping me and massaging my balls—”
“Stop. Right there.”
“Come on—”
“No,” I say sternly. “You will behave while I drive this tank to your place. Then, and only then, you can be as ridiculous as you want. When I am no longer endangering others with me driving. Understand?”
He looks at me and pouts. “Fine.” Then he leans his head against the window and closes his eyes.
Quickly glancing over at him, I shake my head at how ridiculously handsome he looks, yet there are times he makes me want to smother him with a pillow.
Upon arriving at Gunner’s place, since it’s closer than mine, I turn off the engine and sit back. Soft snores are heard coming from Gunner and Thor’s dog tags jingle as he stands on the back seat.
“How in the world am I getting this man to bed,” I sigh to myself, not expecting an answer.
Grabbing my purse, keys, and Thor, I get out and take my well-behaved companion inside. Then I head back for Gunner. Rousing him is easier than I thought after slapping his face a couple of times and the whispered words and air kisses make me smile at his goofiness.
Sitting him on his mattress and taking off his dress shoes is easy, getting him to lay back is not so much, especially since it seems like he’s grown octopus arms.
“Lay with me,” he begs me, stroking my hair with one hand and wrapping his other arm around my waist.
“You’re drunk,” I answer, pushing him back.
“Nah-unh. I’m in… inebriated,” he corrects me, his words slurred.
“That too,” I chuckle and try to get his arms to fall and lay him back.
Instead, he sits up and grabs me, sitting me on his lap. Through heavy eyes, he looks at me, smiles drunkenly, and caresses my face. “You’re the most kind, beautiful woman in the world, Heidi. What would I do without you?”
He leans in and kisses the tip of my nose. Then his lips move to mine and trail wickedly back down my jawline to my neck. He nips the curved part of my neck and then lays his cheek on my shoulder. As his breathing slows and evens out, he mumbles words as I run my fingers through his hair.
Finally, after making sure he’s asleep, I ease his body back. His face cuddles into my hand, and he smiles in his sleep. His lips kiss my hand as he whispers, “I love you, Heidi,” before losing himself to sleep.
At his words, my world stops.
His words are a knife to my heart.
With my other hand, I stroke his hair and trail my fingers over his face, trying to memorize every one of his features. It’s in this moment I realize I have been deluding myself. Gunner and I were never just friends. That I was dreaming the impossible, and the impossible, for women like me, is like reaching for the stars. Always unattainable. Because I can never be with him. I can never be the brave, kind, beautiful woman Gunner deserves, and there’s only one thing I can do.
I need to let him go.
Something—like someone pulling my hair but Heidi would never do that—wakes me and pulls me to the land of the conscious.
Slitting one eye open, I’m blinded by the bright light shining through my open blinds. To keep from dying, I squeeze that eye shut immediately. Shielding my eyes, I roll over to my back, groaning at the hammer pounding in my head. My head feels like it’s going to explode. My mouth feels dry and full of cotton, and that disgusting taste in my mouth doesn’t help the rolling waves in my stomach.
I crawl out of bed, move toward the window, and close the demons-from-Hell blinds. Turning, I take in my surroundings. I’m in my own room. Alone. The house is quiet. Too quiet, especially with Thor being a guest.
Something isn’t right.
Massaging my temples, I sluggishly walk to the bathroom. After brushing my teeth and splashing cold water on my face, I look up into the mirror. Like a movie, bits and pieces of the night before flash before me: the memorial, the guys, the drinking, the feeling of Heidi as I roamed my hands all over her body, and then… those words: “I love you, Heidi.”
Shit!
Damn.
What the hell was I thinking?
Running to the bedroom door, I yank it open and call out, “Heidi!”
But silence is my only answer. Banging my head against the doorframe, I groan at my idiocy. Damn whiskey. I’m a damn idiot.
She’s gone, and the marshmallow along with her. Why? Did I say anything else? What the hell was I thinking saying those words to her?
Oh, yeah… I was stinking drunk. It was that damn whiskey loosening my tongue, and now, I’m left to pick up the pieces.
When will I learn that drinking brings me nothing but trouble?
Moving back to the bed, I sit with my head in my hands.
She left me.
What the fuck am I to do?
“Heidi! Open the door.” My fist pounds on her front door with an intensity so fierce, it shakes. On my way here, I thought about calling her, but that would only give her the opportunity to refuse my call. Nah, if she’s going to leave me, she’ll have to face me and look me in the eye.
Goddamnit, motherfucking, horseshit! Why does shit have to be so difficult?
I know she’s scared, but I’m done playing.
This, she can’t ignore.
More pounding shakes her front door, but there’s nothing else for me to do except break in. I know she’s home. I went by R.A.D. and she wasn’t there. I’m not leaving here without having my say.
Music flows through the walls, a calming mechanism of hers.
“Open this door before I kick it in!” Refusing to give up, I proceed to pound on her door. Thor’s yapping gets louder and the music fades away. “Come on, angel. Please…” Leaning against the door, I beg her to opens the door.
“Not now, Gunner.” Her voice sounds from the other side of the door. “J-just give me some time.”
“For what?” I can’t help the exasperation in my tone. “To make yourself doubt everything. To get the crazy thought through your head that you don’t belong with me? Fuck, no! I’m not going anywhere, Heidi. If I have to camp out on your front porch, I will. You’re not getting rid of me that easily.”
Silence follows my tirade, then there’s movement. The front door cracks open, and she appears before me.
Swollen red eyes, blotchy face, and tissues clenched in her hand, she is still the most beautiful woman in the world to me. Whether she’s dressed in silky pajamas or dressed to the nines, there’s no one I’d rather be with than her. “Angel…” My arms gather and hold her tight as she cries, her body shaking with every sob.
“Y-you can’t l-love me.” Her wails are muffled by my chest.
My shirt gets wetter from her tears, her body trembling. I bend down and lift her in my arms. Kicking the door closed behind me, I make my way to her bedroom with Thor at my heels. At the bedroom door, I turn and look down at him. “Sorry, kid. I have to talk to your mommy alone.” Not expecting a reply from him, I close the door and leave him on the other side.
At the bed, I lay us down and continue to hold Heidi tight against me. No matter what, I’m not letting her go.
Minutes go by before Heidi’s tears subside. “Look at me, angel.” Pulling back, I tilt her head so our eyes meet. “You have to talk to me. I’m going crazy with the secrets between us. The hospital, Zane, the memorial, everything points to something, but I can’t figure out what. What’s going on?”
“You told me you loved me.”
“Yes.”
“Do you mean it?” she asks softly.
“I wouldn’t have said it if I didn’t.”
“You’d been drinking,” she points out.
“That doesn’t matter. Drinking or not, I know what I want, how I feel. I love you, Heidi, and nothing is going to change that. Get it through that pretty, little, stubborn head of yours.”
“There’s so much you don’t know. I… I—”
“Then tell me.” I rise from the bed and pace the floor, trying to get rid of the frustration that is driving me insane.
“You’ll hate me,” she whispers, bending her head down in shame. More tears fall on her lap.
“How can I help you? How can we get through this if you won’t talk to me?” My questions progressively get louder. Taking a deep breath, and silently counting to ten, I calm down before continuing. “Whatever your past, we can overcome it. I love you that much, Heidi.”
With my hand, I massage my jaw before running it down to my throat and feeling my pulse with my fingers. The fast pulse lets me know that no matter how hard I try, I can’t calm down. There’s a feeling in the pit of my gut telling me something isn’t right.
“Talk to me, angel.” Going to my knees, I kneel before her and gather her hands in mine. Raising them up, I bring them to my lips. “Everything is going to be okay.”
Her eyes meet mine, and I see a myriad of emotions—fear, indecision, regret, shame—flash before they fill with more tears.
The feeling of anticipation heightens and starts to consume me, and involuntarily, my body braces for her words.
“M-my…”—there seems to be a dramatic pause before she continues—“name is—”
Thor’s crazy, loud annoying yaps surprise me and cause me to jump. I turn and look at the closed door because he’s never like this. The doorbell rings and Thor’s barks increase in volume. I throw open the bedroom door to hush him. Then rapid, hard, loud pounds follow, coming from the front door.
Heidi steps up behind me and together we pause to see if more knocking continues.
“Open the door!” a female voice demands followed by more loud banging and incessive doorbell rings.
I take Heidi’s hand and march to see who has the audacity to interrupt our conversation and give them a piece of my mind.
Muffled protests from the other side have me putting Heidi behind me as I cautiously move toward the front door. My hand is inches from the knob—
“Open the door before I find a way to knock it off its hinges!” Faith’s loud, demanding, and slightly hysterical voice have my other hand clenching at my side. I’m done with women thinking they know best. First Heidi, and now Faith. I turn to Heidi. Her face is ashen, and her chest is rising and falling rapidly.
“Don’t tell me to calm down, Zane. Open this Godforsaken door! Heidi… Gunner, I know you’re in there.” The doorknob rattles as she tries to open the door herself.
I consider being angry at Faith for appearing at Heidi’s door unannounced and obviously uninvited, but it’s the hysterical part in her voice that alarms me. Faith is one to go off her rocker, and be loud and obnoxious—in a lovable little sister way, especially when she’s around Julia—but for her to lose her shit and some of the much-needed sleep she loves on Saturday mornings, and let’s not forget her parents are in town, that has me jerking the door open.
What the fuck else could go wrong in our lives?
“Hei—” Her voice is cut short as I throw open the door with her in mid-knock. “You better have a fuckin’ good reason to get my ass out of Heidi’s bed,” I growl. “What the hell is wrong with you, woman?”
“Watch your mouth,” Zane orders sharply as he comes between Faith and me, his arm thrown out, ready to toss me on my ass.
“No, Zane. Stop.” Faith squeezes her way around him and uses her backside to push him back. “No fighting, not before I get my hands on that woman. Where is she?” she demands, looking up at me, her eyes spouting fire.
“If by that woman”—with a raised brow and clenched jaw, I struggle to push back the anger that comes forth as Faith speaks so rudely about that woman—“you mean Heidi, then she’s here. In her home. Where you appeared like a madwoman and rudely interrupted us. Your disregard for our privacy is invasive.”
I make sure to keep Heidi hidden behind me. This is mine to handle.
“Don’t give me that, Gunner. After what the report said about her, I don’t have time to be considerate of her privacy. The gall of her—”
“What report? It better not be from the check I strictly asked you not to conduct.” My arms cross over my chest to prevent them from grabbing Faith and giving her a good shake. If I did that, then Zane will be on my ass, and he’s not a man whose bad side I want to be on. Because with him comes Andre and Cristian; those three are thick as thieves. Cristian… fuck. The thought of Cristian has me closing my eyes, and I push back the pang of sadness that strikes with his memory. It’s going to take a while for me to remember him as the fun, loving, daredevil brother we just lost.
“Don’t—”
“Enough, Faith,” I snap. My eyes trained on her, unyieldingly I ask, “What the hell is the matter with you? Just stay out of my life.” The last is said in a loud and frustrated voice. I’m done. Fuckin’ done. I’m tired of her need to meddle in my life.
“Gunner—” Zane warns me with a menacing look.
“No, Zane.” My eyes shift to him, and I try to speak calmly and rationally. “She disregarded my wishes. In turn, she disrespected me. I’m. Done.” I hold my hands up and step away from the door.
Heidi moves from behind me. “What is going on here?” She lays a calming hand on my shoulder. “Is everything okay? Is Rylee?”
“You have no right to ask about my daughter.” Faith accusingly points a finger at Heidi, and I step in front, yet again, fearing Faith will lose control. “How dare you?”
“Faith, calm the hell down and leave.” Dismissing her, I turn my back on her and face Heidi. I need to get her back to the room before I say something I’ll regret to Faith. Zane can deal with his wife and close the fucking door when they leave.
“Tell him who you are,” Faith orders from behind me.
“Enough, Faith,” I growl.
“He deserves the truth. Tell him who you are. Who you really are, and why you’re with him.”
Her words freeze me. My heart pounds in my ears, and when my gaze meets Heidi’s, she’s lost all color. Her petrified eyes meets mine. Slowly, I turn back to Faith. Her hands are clenched at her sides, she’s breathing fast, and her nostrils are flared. Zane’s hands are on her shoulder as if grounding her from flying across the room.
“How could you?” Her eyes fill with tears. “How could you come back into our lives after all the pain you caused? How dare you show your face and try to worm your way into my family?” Faith yells, struggling against Zane’s hold.
“Please…” Heidi whispers, tears flowing freely down her face.
It’s Heidi’s tortured whisper that jerks me out of my shock.
“That’s enough.” I take a threatening step toward Faith just as Zane pushes her behind him.
“Do you really want to do this here?” With his hand on my chest, he gives me a warning push, but I stand firm.
“Your wife is the one coming here and making a scene. Just like you defend her, I’ll defend Heidi. So yeah, I’ll go there if I have to.”
“She just found out,” Zane answers, his stance still protective and warning. “Give her time to deal with it. I barely made it into the Jeep before she took off.”
“That’s no excuse.”
Zane nods, then shifts his eyes to Heidi. “It’s done. You need to tell him.”
“Get out,” I growl, fuming at being the only one in the dark.
“I want you gone,” Faith sounds from behind me. “If you go near my daughter… so help me God—”
Zane gets in front of Faith, cutting off her words, picks her up, and leads a crying Faith away. I make sure he’s got her handled before turning back to Heidi. I don’t know what to do. What to say.
An uncomfortable and heavy silence falls between us. She looks at me as if expecting me to pounce.
I run my hands over my face and try to gather my thoughts. To think of something to say. But what can I say to make this better? The slam of the door closing sounds like a gavel ordering the verdict of execution.
There’s nothing left to say, except what needs to be done.
“I’m done being in the dark, Heidi. You need to tell me what the hell is going on.”
Her eyes close briefly as she covers her mouth and nods in resignation.
“No more secrets. No more lies. No more telling me it’s nothing. I need to know what you’re hiding, and I need to know now.”