The melody engulfs me in a calming wave, clearing my mind and allowing my fingers to do what is second nature to them: seemingly float over the ivory keys. As they gracefully play, I lose myself in the music and whisper the lyrics. Each one hitting me hard, speaking to me.
The past few days have been hell. R.A.D. was a responsibility I handed over to Cassie, unable to bear their eyes. Food was an afterthought, and I only left my house for Thor. Without his needs and him, I would have secluded myself in darkness.
Nights are the worst. No goodnight text message or call. Nor the warmth of Gunner’s arms around me, cradling me against his hard body.
The melody wraps itself around me.
All my life I tried to be perfect—the perfect little girl, the perfect daughter. I tried so hard that I suffocated and lost myself.
So many wrong turns in my life. I was lost until Gunner.
I’m not perfect, and I never will be. There’s a lot to me: my anxiety, my doubts, the voice in my head whispering that I’ll never measure up, and the choices I’ve made.
I’m exhausted.
All I ever wanted was to be loved. To be loved and to get a second chance.
As the lyrics fall from my lips, my chest fills with overwhelming emotions. Instead of pushing them back and fighting them, like I normally would, I allow all those feeling to rise to the surface.
Each tear that falls, I feel lighter.
Movement catches my eye and I look down. Thor snuggles at my feet, his devotion to me pronounced. Our connection, a saving grace of a bond. He anchors me with his unconditional love, a love that doesn’t care what person I was in the past. He only needs me to love and care for him. He needs me as much as I need him. As much as I need Gunner.
The music crescendos, and my voice rises until I’m singing the words at the top of my lungs. Every fear, every frustration, every regret moves my fingers and sways my body. When the song ends, I let my head fall and the sobs escape, once again.
A gentle breeze swirls around me and hands softly grip my shoulders.
“Shhh. It’s okay, angel.” Words that can only belong to Gunner are whispered in my ear as I’m lifted from the piano bench. “I got you, love. Just let it out.”
Nestled in Gunner’s lap, I grip the front of his shirt and curl myself into him. “I… I’m so sorry.”
“You have nothing to be sorry about, Heidi.”
Through sniffles and a hiccup, I nod. “I didn’t mean those awful words I said. I need you, Gunner, and it scares me. You scare me because I don’t know how to go on without you.”
He tightens his hold on me, and with his other arm, he brushes my hair and kisses my forehead. “Everything fell on me. I shouldn’t have gone, not when you needed me. But no more, Heidi.” He lifts my face to meet his eyes.
My eyes devour his face, unable to believe he’s back. He should hate me. My family and I have only caused pain to him and his.
“With everything on the table, I can’t walk away because I belong with you, angel. You are the light in my darkness, the air that I breathe, everything that makes my world right. I love you and nothing, not even who you were in the past, will ever change that.”
He lifts me off his lap and onto the couch. Shifting, he kneels before me.
“There ain’t no going back to what was or how it used to be. There’s a lot of what-ifs in the past, but that’s all they are… what-ifs. This is all about now”—he takes my hands in his—“this moment, and what direction you decide to go on this crossroad we find ourselves at. Do you go alone, Heidi, or do we stay together?”
His words give me hope. A second chance for forgiveness.
“How do you want to remember this very second, love? Do you want another what-if, or will this moment change our lives for the better? Will we finally get that happily ever after you’ve always dreamed? The happily ever after with the man who loves you unconditionally, more than his very own life? The man who will put you first and choose you over everything and anyone else? The man who needs you more than he needs his next breath?” Gunner brings our intertwined hands to his lips. “Because that’s me. That’s the type of man I am. The type of man that loves with everything. Will this moment finally be our second chance? Our redemption and our final acceptance to the mistakes we’ve made in the past? The mistakes that have brought us to now—to us. Because, angel… you’re my everything.”
He rises and places a soft kiss on my lips.
Settling next to me, he continues. “It’s all on you, Heidi—Vanessa. Whatever you want to be called. I love you. You and only you, the woman who is sitting before me. She’s not perfect, but neither am I. How can I judge you when I know you did your best? You thought of your daughter—her safety, her well-being before your own. I can’t judge you for that. It’s you who finally needs to forgive yourself and believe you are worthy of love, a family, and a second chance. Because I’m in it all the way. The question is, are you?”
Fear grips my heart. I’m afraid to believe. Can this be happening to me? Is this a dream from which I will wake up alone?
My hand cradles his cheek, my thumb running back and forth over his beard—scruffy, rough, so… him.
He moves and settles me on his lap.
His words fill my heart with so much love, I fear it will explode. If it does, at least I will fall in his arms. Because he’s right: It’s all about this moment, about us. He’s my everything, and I want to be with him. I’m tired of letting go and running. Of fearing that I’m not good enough. I need to believe, just like he believes in us.
“I do, Gunner. You scare me because I love you. Because I need you. More than I have ever needed anyone in my life. I want to be with you, but what about—?”
“It’s not going to be easy, but we’ll get through it all.” He brushes his lips against mine. Once. Twice. Each time leaving me aching for more. “We have to tell Rylee the truth.”
“No.” I shake my head. “We can’t do that. It will turn her world upside down.”
“She deserves the truth, Heidi. You deserve to know your daughter. Not as a friend but as her biological mother.”
“But Faith—”
“This isn’t about Faith. It’s about you and Rylee. Jake was wrong in keeping you from her—”
“He was trying to protect her,” I defend Jake’s motives.
“He was wrong. There are many sides to a story. He should have listened to yours, given you a chance. Trust me, he regrets that now.”
“What do you mean?” I lean my head back to look at him, baffled by his statement.
“Well… let’s just say that he told me he’s sorry.”
“How?” My hands move to his face, searching for signs of drinking. “Are you okay?” Tracing his features, I try to understand his cryptic statements.
“Better than you’ll ever know, angel. Especially with you in my arms.” He leans down and kisses me. “As for Jake, there are some things that can’t be explained but somehow are possible. Now”—he slides me off his lap, onto the couch, and stands—“we need to get going. Things were left unsaid between Faith and myself, and you still need to tell me how Zane fits in all this. It’s time for everything to come out in the open. No more secrets.”
Nerves consume me as we arrive at the Phoenix offices. The last time I saw Faith, she wanted to kill me, only Gunner and Zane saved me from that dreadful fate. With the time that’s passed, her anger has not lessened. But how can I blame her for her dislike toward me? She’s the woman that took Rylee in and loved her like her own for most of her life. I’m the interloper.
Regardless of my fear and her hatred, I have to make her understand: I’m not here to take Rylee away.
With each step nearing Faith’s office, I grip Gunner’s hand tighter. Turning to me, he smiles. “It’s going to be okay.” He brings his lips to mine and gives my hand a reassuring squeeze.
Reaching Faith’s office, silence surrounds us. All eyes are upon us, and everyone seems to be collectively holding their breaths. A young woman with loose, mid-length, dark hair, large glasses, dressed in black leggings under a skater skirt—that remarkably looks like a picture of the library in the movie Beauty and the Beast—an “I’m a Beast” T-shirt, and Doc Martens gives me a small smile. Though she’s a stranger, she looks at me—like really looks at me—and sees me without judgment.
Surprised, I welcome feeling something other than nerves and fear.
With three sharp knocks, Gunner announces our arrival. After a muffled “Come in,” he opens the door, and all I can see is Faith sitting behind her desk like a queen on her throne.
After a deep, strength-gathering breath, I allow Gunner to lead me through the doorway.
Faith sees me, jumps up, and places her hands on her desk. She’s visibly shaking as she curls her fingers into a fist.
“Out!” She looks betrayed as she focuses her eyes on our joined hands. “Get her out of here, Gunner.”
“We need to talk,” Gunner announces as he brings me closer to him. Faith jerks back, as if struck.
“Not with her in here. How dare you bring her here.” Her voice trembles.
“Faith, please—” I get the courage to speak up.
“No!” She pounds the desk with both fists. “You do not get to come here—” She stops and takes deep, sharp breaths.
“What the hell is going on?” Zane runs into the room, brushing me aside as he moves toward his wife. Once he’s assured she’s okay, he turns to Gunner, and then looks at me. “You”—he points at me—“outside with me.”
“No,” Gunner protests.
“You wanted to come here and talk?” Zane’s eyes narrow on Gunner. “Talk with Faith and work this shit out. I’m taking Heidi outside, away from my wife, and I’m going to make sure she’s okay.”
“What are you—” Faith sharply looks up at Zane.
“You and Gunner hash things out. Then you and I will talk, love.” He leans down and gives Faith a kiss and caresses her face. Afterward, Zane makes his way to me and takes my arm. “Let’s give them a minute.”
“Watch it, Zane,” Gunner growls at him.
Zane leans toward Gunner and whispers, “I’ve brought Heidi this far, Gunner, I’m not letting anything happen to her. While you speak with Faith, I need to speak to Heidi.”
“It’s okay, Gunner,” I whisper to him as I let go of his hand. “Like you said, it’s time to put everything on the table and do away with all the secrets.”
I watch Heidi walk out the door behind Zane and fist my hands. I don’t want her out of my sight, but I understand that I need this time with Faith. Faith’s a good friend, but she’s also set in her ways. What I’ve done, she’ll take as a betrayal to her and the life we’ve built.
Turning back to her, I make my way over and sit in the chair across from her. Getting comfortable, I think about what to say and realize it’s easier just to get it out in the open. “I’m keeping her, Faith.”
She falls ungracefully into her seat and raises her right hand to her lips. Curling her other hand into a fist on her chest, she shakes her head. “No… no… no. This can’t be happening,” she says more to herself than to me.
Lowering her head to her chest, she rocks back and forth on her chair. Each tear that falls is a slap to my face because it’s all on me. I’m causing her pain, and I hate that. Though I love Heidi more than anything, Faith has been a part of my world forever. She was the woman I first loved. I’m supposed to protect her, not hurt her.
Seconds go by before she collects herself with a deep breath. Pulling her shoulders back, she looks into my eyes—determined and ready to war. “You have no right bringing her into our lives, Gunner. She has to go. She has to leave and never come back. That’s the only way we can move forward.”
“No.” I stand firm, refusing to be moved by her pleas, better voiced as demands.
“She’s a part of our past that’s better left in the past, Gunner,” she implores. “Her presence opens up old wounds and drives a stake between us.”
It’s time for you to live for you, Jakes words come back to me, helping me stand firm against her pleas.
“Why, Faith?” Her eyes widen in shock at my question and a flash of hurt and betrayal cross her face before she composes herself.
“Why?” she whispers almost emotionless.
I nod.
“B-because she’s a selfish woman.” Faith jumps up from her seat. “She threw my daughter away like trash and left Jake to fend for himself. What kind of mother does that? She hurt Jake. She hurt Rylee and made her doubt her worth. Do you want me to go on?” She moves behind her seat and grips the chair, challenging me. “I’m not going to stand back, let her come into our lives, and wreak havoc.”
“Has she approached you? Has she said anything about Rylee to you? Has she tried approaching Rylee as a mother?” I pause and wait for a response. When she’s silent, I have my answer: Heidi hasn’t approached her with demands. Heidi wouldn’t do anything to harm Faith, much less Rylee. “No, she hasn’t, Faith. She’s hurting just as much as Rylee and Jake were hurt. She is not making any demands. All she wants is a second chance, to right the wrong she did. To get to know her daughter.”
“No! Rylee is my daughter.” Faith shakes her head and pounds a fist to her chest. Then she brings her other hand and wraps is around her fist. “Mine. I raised her, I was there when our lives shattered. When she had her first crush. When she was hurt. I was there to hold her, to love her when Vanessa wasn’t. I gave Rylee my heart. Just because she isn’t my blood doesn’t make me love her any less or make her any less my daughter.” Her eyes fill with tears. “Vanessa can’t come here asking for anything. I won’t have it, a-and you can’t see her, Gunner. I won’t have her here.”
“You have no choice and no right to keep her away. Heidi is mine, and I’m not letting her go. You have no right to demand that.”
“Gunner, please.” Her hands come forth and rest on the top of her chair. “It’s too hard. She’s going to hurt us.”
“No. She’s. Not. What you mean is she’s a change you don’t want. When Zane came into the picture, it fuckin’ killed me, Faith, but I sucked it up like a man and stepped back. I thought I loved you. I wanted you. You were the woman I wanted more than anything. Why is it okay for you to be happy but not me?”
Her eyes close in pain but she remains silent. I haven’t brought up this subject since Zane’s arrival into our lives. My feelings for her, my wanting of her, that I carried a torch for her from the moment I laid eyes on her years ago.
“Why, Faith? Why was it okay for my best friend to move in on the woman he knew I wanted? When the two of you got together, I kept silent. I even stood up as his witness and helped link your lives forever. Never did I voice my hurt, my anger at his betrayal. Instead, I watched y’all day after day, week after week, year after year be happy and live your dreams. I held his daughters in my arms, and I held you in my arms after he was gone. Then Zane came along. Do you know what that does to a man?”
“Gunner, stop,” she whispers as tears escape down her face.
“No, I’m not going to stop. I deserve to have my say, to finally let go of these feelings that have eaten me up inside for years. You want to take away the only happiness, the only light of hope I have because it inconveniences and hurts you. No.” I shake my head and clench my hands at my sides. “Then Zane comes along, barges into our lives, and I lose you all over again. Every touch you shared, every look, every kiss I’ve had to witness was a dagger through my heart. Because I wanted that for me. Then, one random night, I meet Heidi. She brought happiness back. She’s not perfect, yes… she’s unique and has a past, but she needs me, and I need her. She makes me smile and chased away that darkness that was eating me up.”
“What are you talking about, Gunner? What darkness?”
“The drinking, the fuckin,’ the self-hatred, the darkness because I lost Jake too, Faith. Things you didn’t notice because you were so engrossed in your own life. You think I took it well when I lost my best friend? No. Just like you lost a part of yourself, so did I. Jake wasn’t perfect but he was the yin to my yang. The Julia to your Faith. My. Best. Friend. After everything I’d already lost, I had to lose him too.”
“Oh, Gunner, why didn’t you say anything?” She tries to approach me, but I hold up a hand to stop her.
“Because you were going through your own hell, and I was supposed to care for you. Unlike you, who got to smile and love again, I was left alone. The day I saw Heidi at the bar, it was like the sun finally shined through the darkest of days. When I held her in my arms, my heart beat calmly, and I could breathe. I’m not giving that up. I’m not giving her up. Not for you or for anyone.
“Where I once wanted you, I need her. Where I once loved you, I now realize that wasn’t true love. I stepped back not once but twice and watched you love another. With Heidi that’s not possible… I wouldn’t be able to step back civilly. It would take an army to keep me away.
“You were right when you said I would once meet the woman of my dreams, that you weren’t her. Heidi is that woman, Faith. I need her like none other. She is the sun in my darkest of days. She is my everything, and I am hers. What she had with Jake was tender love. He was her first, but I, goddamn, will be her last. Nothing and no one will take her, not even you.”
She flinches. “You’re willing to give up our friendship for her?”
“I’m willing to give up everything for her. My partnership in this company for her.” I bluff that because Jake would haunt my ass if I give that up—our dream. But if it came down to that, I would walk away in a second. “I’m that fuckin’ serious. She’s not a passing fancy. When the right moment arrives, I’m gonna get on one knee and ask her to be my wife.”
Faith shakes her head, refusing to believe, to let go.
“What happened in the past is the past, Faith. She’s lived with her decision for years as it ate away at her; she saw another woman raise her child and live the life she was supposed to live. Her daughter calls another woman Momma. She’s lived in hell long enough, Faith. Heidi deserves happiness as much as I do. And I’m planning on being the man who will make her every wish a reality. If that means you and I end, then so be it.”
Faith gasps and clutches on to her chair for support. “But we have years—”
“Then maybe you should look back on those years and think of me. You’re one of my best friends. You’ve been with me through my darkest moments and when I lost my career. Think back and tell me, do I not deserve to be happy? Do I not deserve to live the rest of my life with a woman that loves me, that will go against her being to make sure I’m okay, that is willing to give up everything for those she loves? Because she gave up everything for a chance to know Rylee. She left everything behind when she escaped. You think about that and get back to me.”
With those last words, I turn and make my way to the door. I’ve said my say and the ball is in Faith’s court. If she wants to live in the past, hate a woman who did her no wrong, then she’s not the woman I thought she was.