1995
“Where have you been, young man?” My mother greets me at the door, her lips pursed as she gives me “the look.” The one that warns me she’s unhappy and hell is about to break loose.
“Ma, I told you I was going over to Melanie’s house after school.” Thinking quickly, I place a kiss on her cheek, knowing it will get me out of any trouble. I am her favorite son after all. Okay, I’m her only son, but I’m perfection, and she loves me. I’m her baby boy and can do no wrong.
“You know I don’t like you going over to her house. It’s not right. Back in my day, that was never allowed.”
“And yet, here I am.” I jump out of the way, evading the dishtowel my mother brands around so precisely. If it’s not the towel, it’s her chancla. She’s deadly with both, or with anything she can get her hands on.
“You were conceived out of love, Gunther Mateo Jaeger. Don’t you forget that.” She narrows her eyes and points at me with her index finger. “Your father and I may have anticipated our wedding vows and started our family young, but we were and continue to be madly in love. We thought with our hearts, not with our hormones like you young people think with nowadays. Or the other head of yours.”
“Ma! Really?” She’s always like this: loud and blunt. There’s no beating around the bush with my mother. She’ll tell you what she thinks, and it will be straight. At the same time, she’s the sweetest woman I know. Tough and cunning, able to handle my father and me. Where she is loud, dramatic, and has a certain flair to her, my father is silent, reserved, and allows my mother to take front stage. They even each other out, and they make the perfect team.
Though I will never tell them, or admit to this, I envy them. Their closeness, the way they are able to read each other’s minds. The way they put up with each other’s shit, yet remain deeply in love. One day, not today or tomorrow or the next year, because I love to spread the love around to the ladies, I hope to meet my other half. Just like my parents are two halves to a whole.
For now, I’ll take Melanie. Her flirtiness, her rebellious streak, and the way she handles that mouth and hand of hers. God! She sure knows how to make a fellow feel good. For now, I’m good with that. Nothing deep, just a good time and guaranteed satisfaction. But don’t tell my mother that because she would raise up the seven levels of hell and whip my ass till I can no longer sit.
“Oh, stop being such a prude,” she scoffs. “You think I was born yesterday? I know everything you do, young man. I have eyes everywhere. Just you remember that next time you feel like going for a drive.”
Like I said, she’s scary. Being seventeen and grateful that my father raised no fool, I know when to bow down and away from a greater force. And my mother is a force to be reckoned with. A blessing and a curse because no matter how old I get, she has no qualms about putting me in my place.
“I’m your perfect angel, Ma.”
“Of course you are.” She laughs. “The perfect angel with horns, tail, and a trident. You are just like your father.”
“My father?” I ask incredulously. “He’s so… reserved…”
“Mijo.” She shakes your head. “He’s grown up into a fine specimen of a man, but back in the day, he was one wild son-of-a-gun.” Her hand comes up to her chest and her face goes all gooey with the memories. “Tall. Blond. Handsome. So”—she growls—“big.” She looks at me. “The first time he saw me, he sauntered up to me and sat in the seat next to me. Told me I was the most beautiful woman he’d ever seen and that one day he was going to marry me. He didn’t care that I was at the bar with my then boyfriend. There was no ring on my finger, he observed. If I was his, the whole world would know.” She smiles. “He made himself a pest. Every outing I went to, he managed to make an appearance. He sent me little gifts here and there. My boyfriend was furious, but your father didn’t care. And no matter what I said, he knew I wanted him. Eventually, I saw the error in my ways and ended the relationship. Your father swooped in, and it was happily ever after. Less than a year later, we married. Then you came along.”
“Whoa!”
“Yes,” she sighs. “Over the years, he’s mellowed out, but we’re no less in love. He’s mine, and I’m his.” The smile and gooey face fall and in its place is seriousness. “If you don’t curb your ways, young man, there will be consequences. I’m too young to be a grandmother.”
“Ma!” I jump back and hold my hands up, warding off those words of hers. “Don’t even joke around like that.”
“Then start behaving. Because if I ever find out you got a girl in trouble, you better pray to the Lord because your mother will end you.” She slices her hand across her neck in warning.
I swallow the lump of fear and shuffle my right foot like a chastised little boy. “Okay, Ma. But you don’t have to worry because that will never happen.”
“Famous last words, mijo. Famous last words.” She smiles, but the smile doesn’t reach her eyes. I think about asking her what brought all this on, but before the words leave my mouth, she continues. “Now, call Jake. He called while you were out and seemed out of sorts. I have a feeling he could use a friend right now.”
Those cryptic words loom over me like a dark thunderstorm cloud. I shake off the feeling and head to my room to see what’s going on with Jake.
2000
Six years have come and gone. In those years, so much has happened.
Jake, my best friend and confidant, became a father. A father! That sure drained the air out of my sails. After that, I toned down on the dating, girls, and fun. I still like to spread the love among the ladies, but I double… triple wrap it. Though I love and dote on my goddaughter, Rylee, I am not ready to be a father, much less settle down.
I have too much living left to do. Single living. A living where I can up and go at my heart’s content with no worries of leaving a widow behind if my time ever comes, especially in this job of mine.
Just like our fathers, Jake and I joined the military. Growing up a military child, I know how hard it is and the strain it can put on a family. The constant moving is not for the faint of heart. I was a lucky fellow to have met many great friends, including my brothers—Jake, Jax, Damon, Duke, and Zeke. Each of which also joined to serve this great country of ours. Enlisted or commissioned, we are spread out across the globe doing our duty.
With a random stroke of luck, Jake and I ended up together, here, in our IBOLC—Infantry Basic Officer Leadership Course—class. The stubborn ass refused to leave Rylee behind. He’s the only single father in our class, which sets him apart, and not in a bad way. This alone, his refusal to drop his responsibility and willingness to go to the ends of the Earth for his daughter, has earned him the respect of our peers and that of our instructors.
Plus, I get to spend time with my baby girl. She’s so darn cute, a firecracker who will one day become a heartbreaker. At least I won’t have to be the main one responsible for her when it comes time for dating. This is another reason why I shouldn’t have children. If I ever had a girl, I would kill any motherfucker that comes near her. My randy ass teenage years are still very vivid in my mind.
“Lieutenant Jaeger”—my thoughts are interrupted as I’m called for my evaluation interview—“the Colonel will see you now. This way.” One of my instructors leads me toward the dreaded room.
Not that I’m not confident in my performance over the past weeks, but interviews such as these feel like they will determine the rest of your life. One screw up and your life and career can be over.
Walking into the room, the Colonel stands behind his desk. “At ease, Lieutenant,” he orders and then gestures for me to sit.
I clear my throat, swallow my nerves, and find my voice. “Thank you, sir.”
“Now, relax.” He chuckles. “Why is it every time y’all enter my office, I feel like an ogre?”
“Uh…” I’m at a loss for words.
“I was joking.” He takes pity on my unease and shakes his head. “Now, tell me, how are things?” My eyes widen in surprise. How are things? He’s asking as if he cares. How the hell do I tell him it’s the ability of his to squash us like bugs that has us shaking in our boots? That to those of us who understand this type of life, he is someone bigger than life, especially with his concern for us instead of concerning himself with advancing. I’ve heard that once you get to a certain point in your career, you start losing touch with the reality of service. That you forget what is was starting from the bottom and expect people to succumb to your demands.
“Son”—he places his elbows on his desk and leans forward—“this may be hard to believe, but I really do care about y’all. I’ve read your evaluation file, so I know what you are doing in the classroom. Now, I want to know how are things outside of the classroom.”
For him to be at this point and still be himself, it’s enlightening and somewhat calming.
“Well, sir, things are going as good as they—”
“Daddy!” The Colonel’s office door slams open and the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen enters. So focused is she on the Colonel that she bypasses me without notice. I take advantage of this and take my fill of her with my eyes.
Dark—so dark it’s almost black—loose hair cascades down to her mid-back. She’s wearing tight blue jeans tucked into those furry winter boots you see all girls wearing nowadays. And a maroon hoodie completes her ensemble.
“Pumpkin!” With a huge ass grin, the Colonel holds out his arms. This dark-haired beauty, who’s his daughter, runs into them. “It’s so good to have you home, darlin.’” He releases her and holds her out in front of him, with eyes full of emotion. A look like the one my mother gives me when I visit home. Full of love.
“It’s so good to be home. I can’t wait to spend family time with y’all and hopefully see Cristian. How is he, by the way?”
“Sweetie”—he clears his throat and throws me an apologetic look—“I’m in the middle of a conversation with a Soldier. Let me finish here and—”
“Oh, dear!” She turns to me, a hand covering her lips. Her eyes hit mine and the ground shifts beneath me. My breath hitches. She’s possibly the most enchanting creature ever, with an innocence that surrounds her. Her dark chocolate eyes, bright with laughter and excitement, take me in. It’s like she can look down deep inside of me and see all the wrong that I’ve done. An uncomfortable feeling settles in the pit of my stomach because I haven’t been a choir boy, more like the devil with horns my mother teased me about being. This is a girl I would consider wanting at my side.
She looks to be everything that I could possibly want, and I’m fascinated.
2001
“Sign here.” The judge points to the witness signature line.
My hands shake and my heart breaks with each loop of my name as I sign away my heart on this July day.
I look up and take in Jake’s arms wrapped around the girl who took my heart with just one glance. Faith Castellano. The one I considered wanting by my side. Because underneath her gaze, I felt like I could conquer the world.
Like always, Jake took life by the horns. Now, Faith is his bride.
Jake’s wife and the mother of my goddaughter.
The woman who I will live the rest of my life seeing in the arms of my best friend and brother. I will spend holidays, special events, and I will see her bear his children. I will see them fall deeper in love. All because I was too chicken shit to make a move. I hesitated, unsure if I was ready for a change in my life. Because of that fear, I’ve missed out on one of the greatest opportunities in my life.
I have no one to blame but myself.
“Oh, my…” Adelina, Faith’s mother, sighs. “They make such a beautiful couple. She’s the dark to his light, and her smile lights up the room. I was hesitant”—she turns to look at me—“she’s so young, but seeing them together puts me at ease. They were made for each other. Two halves of a whole.”
“Y-yes.” I clear my throat and push back the thick lump of anger, hurt, and frustration. Anger, hurt, and frustration both at me and at Jake. I’m almost positive he had an inkling that I desired her. He had to. He knows me almost as well as I know myself. But I can’t blame him. Under the same circumstances, I would have done the same.
The only person I should be berating is myself. I wasn’t ready, and fate knew that.
To complete my best man duties, I hold up my camera and snap the shot. Jake, Faith, and Rylee—the perfect family.
Despite my hurt and disappointment that it’s not me in the picture with Faith, I understand this is the way things have to be. Jake and Rylee deserve happiness and so much more.
Because Adelina is right, Faith and Jake were meant for each other.
Now, I have to reap what I sowed: a lonely life where I’m part of their world but looking from the outside in.
February 2005
The city lights shine brightly underneath the dark night sky. The cold weather does nothing to sedate the nocturnal life that bustles around us as cars drive down the busy streets, people—sober and inebriated, ranging from the scantily dressed to the sufficiently clothed—stroll down the sidewalks, making their way from one bar to another, and music sounds from the clubs.
It’s busy, loud, and entertaining—a typical February night. Exactly what my company needs after rigorous weeks of training.
“Yo, check it out,” Evans, a fellow captain, and commander of the company that is here training with us, says. “That your guys?” He points to a group of Soldiers, who though they are dressed in civvies, their short haircuts and American brand clothing sets them about from the locals.
I squint, trying to get a better look, and take in each person walking into the club. “Yeah, those are some of my guys.”
The outside of the building is clean and nondescript, but the color changing strobe lights flashing through the open door allow a peek of a dancer on stage.
Shaking my head and grinning, I turn to Evans. “Them fuckers are going to a strip club.”
“A tittie club?” His mouth hangs open. “But one of those guys was Richards, one of the most innocent privates I’ve ever met. I’d bet my next paycheck he’s still a virgin.”
“I know, right?” Maybe his buddies want to remedy that.
“I don’t believe it.”
“Your eyes sure as hell didn’t deceive you. I have to check this out. Make sure they stay out of trouble.”
“Alright. We’ll go in and out. I’m starving and saw a decent looking food place down the street,” he hesitantly agrees.
“In and out,” I promise.
Entering the club, we’re assaulted by loud music, the stench of cigarette smoke, sweat, and alcohol.
“God! It fuckin’ stinks,” Erikson grumbles, holding his shirt over his nose and mouth.
“Stop being such a pussy,” I tease him. “Look.” Pointing to the bar, I see my guys. “Come on.”
Pushing our way through waves of drunk, dancing bodies, we reach my Soldiers.
“Sir!” Morrison stands up straight when he sees me.
“Relax.” Clapping my hand on his shoulder, I push him down on the barstool. “What are y’all doing in a place like this?” I turn my hand over and indicate the stage where scantily dressed women are shaking their tits and asses.
“Richards has never been to a place like this, and we wanted to help pop his cherry,” Alberts, another Soldier, pipes up and they holler in laughter.
Smiling, I chit chat with them for a few more minutes before realizing Richards isn’t with them. “Where’s Richards?”
“A nice-looking girl grabbed ahold of him as soon as we got here,” Morrison explains. “He hasn’t been back.” He grins.
Looking around the sea of dancing bodies, I can’t find Richards. “Alright, boys”—looking down at their beers, I raise an eyebrow—“two beer limit, remember.”
“Yes, sir,” they answer like a perfectly timed chorus.
“We’ll”—indicating to Evans and myself—“check on Richards and then we’ll be out. Don’t forget curfew,” I remind them.
Erikson leads the way through the dance floor. It takes me a few minutes before I locate Richards. He’s making out with a chick in a corner and seems to be doing one hell of a job, too.
“Looks like our innocent boy isn’t so innocent,” Evans observes.
“You’re right,” I agree as her leg wraps around his waist and his hand disappears underneath her short skirt. “Come on.” With a cock of my head, I signal it’s time to leave.
As we step out of the club’s front doors, I hike up my jacket collar in an effort to protect my body from the cold. Having PCS’d to Texas, I’ve become accustomed to its warm weather, unlike this European winter I find myself currently in.
“Looks like I’ve grown up a bit,” Evans mumbles through his scarf that’s covering his neck and most of the lower half of his face.
“Why’s that?”
“Because that shit in there.” He tilts his head, pointing at the club we just left behind. “Didn’t hold the slightest bit of appeal.”
“Looks like you’re right,” I agree with him.
Proud of my growth and maturity, I smile and snuggle further into my jacket and dig my hands further into my pockets. Looks like my mother will be happy that her angel is starting to lose his tail and horns.
With the finality that we’ve done our duty to our Soldiers, Evans and I make our way to that “decent looking” food place, and we continue to countdown the days before we’re stateside again.
But despite my plans for my military career—to make my parents proud—and my newfound growth, sometimes fate has other plans.
Unbeknownst to me at that moment, those nine hundred seconds spent in that club would alter the course of my life forever.