Seafra

Charlie raises his glass and takes a sip of dark ale. “So, talk to me.” His blue eyes flicker with curiosity.

I take out my phone and show him a screen shot. A cold breeze brushes against my cheek. A couple with two kids pass us, separated from us by the low metal fence that encircles the pub.

“Really pretty,” Charlie says. “Is it something serious?”

“Very serious,” I say. “I fucking love her, Charlie.”

“Really?” He raises his bushy eyebrows at me. “You love her or love fucking her?”

“Both.”

Charlie chuckles and threads his fingers through his short brown hair. “What’s the problem then?”

“The last time I saw her two months ago she was using a fake name—“

“Wait a minute.” Charlie’s face wrinkles and he looks at me sternly.

“Let me finish, man.” I prop my elbows onto the table. “I met her when I had a concert in Rosrick and she introduced herself as Eavan. Then she disappeared. I saw her again in this village and she used the name Julia. Julia Ayers.”

“Leave it,” Charlie says firmly.

“No.”

“Are you fucking insane? It smells of shit.”

“The boys said the same, but she... Charlie, she’s the one I’m telling you. I can’t sleep. I can’t eat. I can’t fuck. I want only her.”

“Focus on your career and forget about her.”

“I have no career. I have just retired.”

“You the fuck what?” Charlie grabs his head in both his hands.

“You heard me. ‘Red Asylum’ has a new vocal. A female vocal. She’s really good. And I’m Connor Mulloy again.” I toss my hair back. “Help me, Charlie. Help me to find the love of my life.”

“It’s fucking insane.” He huffs, takes two sips of his drink and slams the glass on the table. “Maybe she doesn’t want you. I know that all the chicks you meet throw themselves at you, but maybe this one is not interested. Make peace with that.”

“Charlie, she may be pregnant with me.”

Charlie raises his hand as though he wants to smack the back of my head. “Are you five, Connor? I raised you. I fucking taught what to do with girls. I fucking taught you to—“

“I don’t mind being a father, Charlie. I mean with her by my side I can be a father, have a family and all that stuff.”

“That’s fucking insane.”

“I’m an orphan, Charlie. If she’s pregnant with me I want the baby to have a family. To have two parents, do you understand? I’ve never had that. I don’t even remember my parents. I don’t want another kid to live like this, without roots, without a normal childhood.”

Charlie huffs again. “Okay. Get it.” He nods at me several times. “I will try to find her but there are rules, Connor. I’m the boss here. Understood?”

“You’re the boss. As always.”

“Okay. Send those shots of her to my phone.”

“Do you need money? I have savings in my bank account.”

“We’ll talk about it later.”

We finish our beer and go to get some take away and eat it, sitting on the beach.

“How are the boys?” Charlie asks.

“Coyote is fine, but Hale’s life is a slippery slope.”

“It’s like with our parents. We couldn’t fix them no matter how hard we tried.”

“Hale doesn’t want to listen to us at all. He thinks he has everything under control.”

Charlie sighs as though he’s exhausted. “That’s the whole problem.”

We stop talking and stare at the glassy blackness of the sea. Then I guide him to my place. He sleeps in my bed and I sleep on the floor.

The next morning, Charlie goes to Rosrick and I buy a map of the area as he advised me and start searching for Eavan according to his tips. He’s the professional here, after all.

My life is about a routine.

I wake up, have a shower, and grab something to eat then jump into my car and look for Eavan but it seems like she’s vanished.

Charlie calls me every evening, but he’s not very optimistic.

Tonight, I’m sitting at the table outside of the pub near the flat I’m renting. The smell of seaweed invades my nostrils and fills me with a sense of nostalgia. The pyramid white heater swishes on my left, sheltering me with pleasant warmth from the chill of the night.

A slim figure drops onto the bench at the opposite edge of the table.

“Hello, handsome,” a female voice says.

I raise my head and recognise Alice. Anger wells up in my chest. “What are you doing here?”

“I thought you might need company.”

“You were wrong.”

“What are you doing, Seafra?”

“I’m enjoying my solitude.”

“Come on, let’s have some fun together. You look like you need some fun.”

“I don’t need more fun. I’m having a lot of fun on my own.”

“Hale and Coyote are concerned about you.”

I roll my fingers into fists. “Did they send you?”

Her chin trembles. “No, I thought—“

“You were wrong, Alice.”

“I can make you feel good, you know that. Just tell me what you need.” She rises to her feet, arcs the table and sits beside me.

The smell of her perfume engulfs me, jasmine and mandarin with the notes of spice.

“Just tell me what you need,” she repeats in a low voice. “My mouth? My ass?”

Heat rushes to my dick as she kisses my cheek.

“I’ll be on all fours and you’ll fuck me in the ass,” she says. “Interested?” Her hand travels to the bulge in my trousers. “Tell me, baby. Interested?” She strokes my hard on through the fabric of my jeans. “You’re interested. Good. Let’s go to your place.”

I haven’t had any woman after Eavan, and Alice has just reminded me that my dick needs a warm hole to fuck. She always knows how to make me feel good.

“We can find another pussy to entertain us,” Alice says. “What do you think? I will fuck a pussy with my mouth and you will fuck my ass.” She strokes my hard dick harder then slides her fingers under my pants.

Fuck. I need sex. The last five years of my life have been about singing and sex. The singing is my air, food, and addiction; the sex is my release and forgetfulness, my way to get rid of adrenaline. It’s always been easy and pleasant, but I’ve never associated it with any meaning. Alice is easy and available. She’s always been fun. Nothing more.

Her skilled fingers make me feel good. Heat rolls over my lower body, my toes curling. Then coldness fills my veins at the memory of Tony’s words. I grab Alice’s wrist and take her hand off me. I don’t want to come for Alice. I want to come only for Eavan. Or I can jerk off.

My phone vibrates in the back pocket of my jeans. I take it out and read a message from an unknown number.

I miss you so much that it’s killing me. Forgive me.

My heart jumps up into my throat and I pull myself up, shoving Alice to the side.

The message is from Eavan. I just fucking know that. Everything crumbles inside me, disintegrates and is rebuilt, creating a new me. Sex has a meaning. Sex means her. Every touch has a meaning. Every touch means her. Eavan is my air, my food, my addiction. My release, my forgetfulness. My pain. But I prefer to feel pain than give up on her.

I stagger among the tables as Alice catches up with me.

“Seafra.” Her hand grabs my wrist.

“Fuck off, Alice. We’re through.”

“What the fuck is wrong with all of you,” she hisses. “You... Coyote... That’s like a fucking kindergarten.”

She has my attention. “What about Coyote?”

“He’s just burbling and burbling about that girl without legs, you know. All the time. She has no legs, you know. Even thinking about Coyote and her in an intimate situation is kind of disgusting.”

I hook the back of her neck with my hand and squeeze it, forcing a groan from her mouth. “Fuck off, Alice. And never ever insult Ruby again.” I shove her forward. “Get out of my face.”

She shows me her middle finger. “Sick fuck.”

“Get out.”

She shakes her head and walks off.

I call Coyote. He answers in a sleepy voice.

“Are you still alive?” Coyote asks.

“It seems like I am. How are you?”

“Fine. You?”

“Could be better. I have just had a chat with Alice.”

“She’s hopeless.”

“Ruby wasn’t hopeless, huh?”

“Fuck off.”

“Ruby was pretty and adorable, huh?”

“Yeah, something like that.”

“I will find them, Coyote.”

“I haven’t decided yet whether I want to be a decent guy or not. I like to be free, you know. That chick would mean no freedom any longer.”

“But you like Ruby, huh?”

“I like her very much. I may even like her more than my freedom. I haven’t decided yet. Let me know when you find them and take care, man.”

“Take care.”

I disconnect and return to my flat. There is no woman in my bed so I decide to have fun with my own hand. It’s not bad. Stroking my cock, I think about Eavan. I’d have her on all fours, naked and she’d moan my name. I’d fuck her slowly from behind, pinching her nipples. She’d push her ass against my groin, demanding harder and faster. I’d fuck her harder.

I come almost at once. Then I roll in bed the whole night.

Two weeks later, I meet up with Charlie in the pub. His face is greyish, cheeks sunken, and something violent blazes in his eyes.

“So,” I start. “Any news?”

“You’re going to fucking forget about that bitch forever, do you understand, Connor?”

“Mind your words, Charlie.”

“No, listen to me, boy.” He looks really pissed off or scared, I can’t tell. Putting his elbows on the table, he leans towards me. “Leave it.”

“No.”

“You’ll fucking leave it right now, do you understand?”

“No. I’m not leaving it.”

He shakes his head and slams his fist on the table as his jaw muscles twitch. “Two phrases ‘mafia’ and ‘the witness protection program’. Leave it or you’ll kill her. Or yourself. Or both of you. Do you understand? I’m not digging deeper, for fuck’s sake. It’s fucking dangerous.”

My mind goes blank for a moment then something heavy sits on my chest and my heart hammers in my chest. “What does that all mean, Charlie?”

“You can expose her, Connor, kill her, man. Forget about her.”

“Do you know where she is?”

“Not yet.”

“Find her.”

“No, Connor. Forget about her for your own good.”

“Find her. She’s been sending messages to me, each time from a different phone number. Find her, Charlie. She wants to be found.”