Eavan

We sit at the kitchen table. Jack entangles his fingers on the back of his neck.

“So,” I start, taking a deep breath then exhale slowly with an audible sound.

“I wanted to tell you,” Ruby squeaks. “But you have your own problems at the moment.”

“I have no problems,” I bark and shoot a snap of lightning towards Jack with my glance.

Jack sends me a grin and I raise my forefinger in a threatening gesture.

“It’s disgusting, you know,” I say. “But maybe you’re right. Maybe we should grab happiness when it happens. Maybe... I fucking don’t know.” Pain claws my heart. My lungs constrict. “I will never see you again, right?”

“Right,” Jack says in a matter-of-fact tone.

I feel like I’m dying in agony. It stabs me, burns me like a real fire, and strangles my throat like a rope. Devastation cascades down my neck to my chest, changing me forever. My soul stiffens, crumbles into pieces, incinerates. Rises from the ashes.

Suddenly, I’m detached, my mind sharp, as I compose myself. I’ve seen so much of shit in life. Really bad shit so I’ve mastered the ability to compose myself.

It’s useful now. It was useful when I was a kid.

Like when my father hit my mother and broke her arm. She hit him back so he broke her nose. I was a frightened little girl then suddenly everything turned icy cold inside me and I knew I had to stay away from them otherwise, my father would break my arm. I knew he could do that. He’d broken my fingers twice and thrown me at the wall once.

I ran to Ruby’s bedroom and locked the door. My sister curled into me, sobbing and I made a promise to myself. The promise that I’d keep her safe. Always.

“What is another woman?” Ruby squeaked.

She was only ten years old, frightened like a fawn surrounded by a pack of wolves.

“Don’t think about it.” I didn’t know what my mother had meant, yelling that accusation towards my father.

All I knew was that my parents didn’t love each other.

The older I grew though the more aware I became of my father’s weakness for young beautiful women.

On that night when everything changed for Ruby and me forever, Jack took us out of that shit and gave us hope. He’s been looking for us as our relative would. He loves us in his crude way.

But, I never expected he’d fall for Ruby in the romantic way. Well, they fucked like animals. It was primal not romantic, to be precise.

Embarrassment floods me like a wave of lava at the memory of their bodies clenched tight, slapping against one another, then jealousy jabs me like a thorn.

I want stability too. I want normality. I want to wake up beside my beloved husband every morning.

Now that Jack and Ruby don’t have to hide their feelings from me I can see their love.

It’s not right. It’s very wrong.

No—

I wouldn’t be right if they were ordinary people.

But they aren’t ordinary. In their case, it’s good. Unexpected but at the same time wonderful. Jack desires Ruby despite her disability. I know he will love her, protect her and make her happy.

He will look after her better than me. That thought pisses me off. I allow myself to be angry because if I allow myself to be sad I won’t let them leave me. I have to free them. This is Ruby’s chance for happiness. She needs a man by her side not a sister.

“It will be safer for you,” Ruby says as tears roll down her cheeks. “We want to be together and that’s the only way.”

“I know,” I rasp.

My eyes roam over Jack’s face, the furrows on his face giving him a harsh appearance. The furrows Ruby and I have learnt to love.

A memory flashes through my head.

Jack’s soothing voice, “It will be alright, kiddo. You’re safe now. I’m here for you.”

Another memory from a few months later courses through my head.

I’m sitting in the driver’s seat of Jack’s car. The gears screech under my hand.

“Fucking hell,” Jack says. “You’re going to kill my Alonso.”

I burst into laughter and nudge his chest with my elbow. “Who on Earth names their car?”

“Hush,” Jack says. “Alonso may feel offended.”

Ruby leans towards us from the back seat, kissing my cheek then Jack’s. “My sister is the worst driver of the world.”

“Ruby,” I explode.

“We will teach her, Ruby,” Jack says. “We will teach her to be the best driver of the world.”

Jack has no family, except Ruby and me. He’s been married twice and both his marriages ended in divorce.

“It’s fucked up,” I say.

“No more than it was fucked up previously,” Ruby says. “We’d have ended up as—“

“I know,” I say.

“That horrible night was a salvation.” Ruby raises her hands, holding her lips tightly together.

“Well,” I say and huff. “You don’t choose your family, do you?”

My father was a greedy man and my mother was too scared to protect Ruby and me from the shit seeping into our life.

I want Ruby to be happy. Her safety and happiness have always been on top list of my priorities.

“Okay,” I say. “But promise me you’ll have a boring happy life.”

“I promise,” Ruby says.

There is an eerie silence for a moment. It layers us like a duvet of sparkling crispy snow.

“Your dick is really impressive, Jack,” I say.

“What do you know about dicks?” Ruby says with sarcasm.

“Well,” I start and my face starts burning.

Jack rises from his chair in one graceful motion. “I will cook something.”

“Lasagne?” Ruby pleads like a child.

“Lasagne,” Jack says. “For my pretty girl.”

Ruby squeals with excitement and the celebration starts. It’s always like this when Jack is cooking. Ruby’s favourite music plays in the background as we bustle around the kitchen and follow his orders.

My mother never cooked.

My family had a maid and a cook to do all the chores.

Ruby and I attended a private catholic school.

We had fear instead of joy, coldness instead of warmth, and hatred instead of love.

After the meal, we sit in the sofa and watch TV, Ruby and me at either side of Jack’s chest. He starts snoring and my sister pats his nose with her fingers. Jack opens his eyes, pulls her to him and kisses her forehead. I pray in my mind for them so they’ll have a safe life together.

They pack their clothes into two small bags and leave the house two days later.

I’m on my own.

Well, the little secret in my womb is with me.

I didn’t tell them because Ruby wouldn’t have left me.

I will be fine. My baby makes me feel strong like never before. I trust Jack that he’ll take care of Ruby the best he can. I can focus on my own life. I can be selfish. Oh yes, I’m very selfish.

I enjoy being the mum of my unborn baby more and more. Selfishly. I have a part of Seafra inside of my womb. I love it selfishly. The baby is my new life, all my goals, my universe. My joy and my future.