I am a sadistic bitch. I am.
The hurt written all over Rhys’ face is enough to make me ill. Pair that with the fear over what could happen next, it’s taking all I have in me to steady the nerves that are causing my legs to tremble.
His question lingers in the air, and I know I owe him an answer.
The answer.
The truth.
I can’t withhold this information from him anymore. Consequences be damned.
I wish I had some warning that he was going to show up. I don’t know what I would have done, but maybe I could have been better prepared for this moment. Maybe I was a fool to ever think I could keep my baby a secret.
“Look me in the eyes, KJ. Right now. Tell me the truth,” Rhys’ voice is commanding and firm. He’s used that same voice on me before, in the bedroom. It reminds me, he’s a man who knows how to get what he wants.
I swallow hard and meet his gaze, “Reid is ours.” There. I said it. The truth hangs around us like a noose, threatening to strangle us both.
This time Rhys’ voice cracks as Reid’s name slips from his lips. “He’s ours.”
I nod and bite back my own tears as Rhys’ eyes fill with emotion. His chest heaves with each breath as if he’s holding something back.
“That’s my son.” There’s no question. He doesn’t doubt my words. “I’ve got a little boy.”
“We. We have a little boy,” I defend.
Because you hid the truth. You know he would have given everything to be here if you had given him the chance. Deep down, I know that’s the truth. Everything I know about Rhys tells me that he is a stand-up guy.
“God, KJ, I don’t want to fight with you but…”
“It’s Kelsey.” Rhys pauses gives me a confused look. “My name…is Kelsey. KJ is my pen name.”
“I know your real name. I’ve seen your driver’s license and looked up your address.”
“Oh charming, so you’re not above stalking. That’s rich coming from a cop.” I don’t mean to be a bitch, but my snarky side comes out when I’m nervous. Right now? I’m pretty fucking nervous about what could go down from here.
Rhys runs his hands through his hair and scowls. “You’re infuriating. For the record.”
“The feeling is mutual.” Reid begins to fuss in my arms, “I need to make him a bottle,” I offer as an excuse to flee the room.
If I thought I’d get a moment’s reprieve, I was wrong. Rhys follows behind me and props his long body against the kitchen island, invading the small space with his presence.
“Can I hold him?” he asks cautiously.
Gone is the confident and slightly arrogant man that charmed me. In his place stands someone who is vulnerable and weary. And it’s all my fault. I’ve brought out this side of him.
I think about how different he is, standing in front of me now. He’s hardened like stone with me, and not in a good way. I can see the war raging inside of him. The distrust and hurt roll off him in waves and my heart slowly shatters.
Handing my son over to him means I’m letting my defenses down. I know without a doubt he’ll fall in love with Reid and that makes his departure that much harder - for all of us. I don’t know that I can trust myself to even see him hold our son in his arms. It could very well be my own undoing.
Rhys may not realize it, but he currently holds all the power.
* * *
Rhys
I can literally see the wheels in KJ’s mind spinning as she contemplates my question. There’s an ache in my chest, a longing, to hold this tiny being in my arms. To connect with him in some way. But she’s reluctant. I feel like we’ve taken a million steps back. The connection I felt with her seems fake now. I thought I knew her. That I could trust her. Now? I feel like a fool.
“Okay,” she whispers softly and hands Reid to me.
Our hands touch as we exchange the baby and I feel that familiar spark, reminding me of what we had. I push down the memories and focus on the little man in my arms now. Getting a good look at him for the first time, I see the tiny pieces of KJ in him. He’s got her hypnotic eyes and her cute button nose. The rest of him is all me. I’m staring at a product of raw emotion and passion. I’ve never felt anything as powerful as the love I feel for him.
It only solidifies the knowledge in my soul that I’d do anything to be a part of his life.
With Reid in my arms, the anger and hurt I feel towards KJ seems to fade. I can imagine us as a family. Raising Reid together. I feel an incredible longing to make that happen.
When she’s finished making his bottle and takes him back from me, I wonder if I can ever forgive her for keeping him from me.
“I…I’m sorry,” her voice cracks as she looks up at me with tears glistening in her eyes. “I’m sorry for keeping him from you. I can’t say that enough. But Rhys, he’s so little right now, and he needs me. I’m all he’s ever known. You can visit. We’ll set up a schedule, just don’t take him away.”
Right. I’ve got my work cut out for me. “Christ, would you stop? I don’t want to take him from you. I want to share him with you. I don’t know exactly how that looks right now, but why the hell did you think I’d want to keep you from him? I’m not you.” Hurt registers on her face as the words leave my mouth.
“I…” her mouth snaps open and closed. Minutes pass before she speaks again. “I thought you walked away from me,” is her only defense as she moves back into the living room and curls up on the couch with Reid.
“I laid myself bare for you. I thought we had something – asked you to give things a shot with me and you didn’t think at any point, it would have been wise to tell me I had a child? Damn it, I stood right in front of you, and you lied to my face.” I lean against the wall and cross my arms over my chest.
“I don’t know, okay? I don’t know. I was confused and scared. We never talked about kids or a future. We were just living in the moment. We had fun, I enjoyed every moment with you for a weekend. One weekend Rhys. I didn’t come home expecting to have a souvenir. What we had was fun, but a baby needs stability, he’s my priority now.”
“He’s our priority, KJ. Ours. It’s up to us to make him a priority, to do right by him.”
“And what does that mean for us exactly? You live in another state, and you’re a cop. On the SWAT team at that. Remember? That’s why you walked out on me the first time. Duty called. How’s that fair to him?”
Fury bubbles up inside me. As I point a finger at her, I do my best to reign it in, for Reid’s sake. He didn’t ask to be brought into this mess. “Do not throw my career in my face. You still have no idea how any of that works, and yet that’s the best defense you can come up with.” I’ve had enough of her shit. I’ve reached my tipping point already. If she wants to fight dirty, I will too. “I’m willing to do this civilly, even though it goes against everything I know. But if you really want to be a bitch about it, I’ll take you to court. I’ll fight you for joint custody. I have a right to know our son.”
I’ve hit my mark. It’s clear she gets the picture when the tears well up in her eyes again, and her lip starts trembling. Like the moron I am, I long to reach out and wipe away the tears and kiss her lips. I won’t though.
I’m don’t want to fall into that trap again.