I wish like hell I didn’t have to walk out that door today and head back home. I can’t imagine it’s going to get any easier either, even though I’m still mad as hell at KJ for keeping my…our son from me.
Every time I walk out that door, I’m going to be leaving behind my heart. Every time I get ready for work – strapping on my vest under my uniform and my duty belt, I’ll be praying to come back home. Hoping I don’t leave this earth, that I don’t leave that little boy without a father.
For the first fucking time in my life – I’m second guessing my career choice.
All because I now have another life to live for.
The drive home is going to be brutal with the little sleep I managed last night. I laid awake on KJ’s couch, soaking it all in. A few times, I got up and stood outside Reid’s door like a creeper, watching him sleep, not wanting to miss a thing. Then when he whimpered, I didn’t hesitate to swoop in and try to comfort him.
I found the bottles and formula, I fed him, rocked him and sang to him, the only song I could think of – Lee Brice’s Boy. I’m surprised the little guy didn’t start crying, instead it was just the opposite. I lulled his little body back to sleep on my chest. And there I stayed, in that rocking chair. I would have been there the rest of the night, had KJ not been spying on us boys.
Whenever I look at that woman, I experience a rush of emotion. Anger, distrust, lust. All of which have me wanting to pound my head into a wall and then there’s the tiny part of me that wants to pound my dick into her. To scratch that itch once more. The anger completely wins out though.
I still haven’t wrapped my head around the reason why she kept me in the dark, and I don’t know if I’ll ever move past it. Part of me wants to, for Reid – the other part of me isn’t ready to forgive and forget. And I don’t want to fake a relationship with her for the sake of our son because I fear that will only harm him emotionally. It’s probably for the best if we leave things be and focus on raising our boy – nothing more.
How the hell I’m going to do that, when I’m four hours away, is beyond me. But I’m going to figure it out and make it happen. KJ’s going to have to get used to me calling every day, that’s for damn sure.
Pushing all those thoughts aside, I look down at the little dude on my lap who is currently trying to chew on my finger, in spite of my protests. Lucy, the German Shepard has decided she’s my new best friend too. KJ said something about she’s not allowed on the furniture, but she’s lying beside me on the sofa and has her head on my thigh, barely leaving room for Reid. I’m sure KJ will fuss when she returns from the shower, but for now – I’m enjoying the affection.
“So, little dude. Daddy,” Whoa, I think that’s the first time that word has come from my mouth. Oddly it feels…right, “has to go back to his place in a little bit. I’ve gotta go to back to work soon and keep the bad guys off the street. You’ll have to be the man of the house while I’m gone. Don’t let Mommy and Lucy get into too much trouble.” Beside me Lucy huffs, and I let out a chuckle, “I’ll be back though. It will seem like a long time, but I’ll work on making it shorter and shorter. I promise.”
I can’t help but wonder if I’m kidding myself. Reid’s not going to notice I’m gone. If anything, he might be glad to have his mom back all the time. Right now, though, he’s looking at me like I hung the moon.
“You tell Mommy to call me whenever you want. And I’ll call and check on you too, okay?”
“You realize, he can’t actually make those kinds of demands yet, right?” KJ’s voice startles me. The damn woman keeps sneaking up on me.
Her wet hair is hanging down over her shoulders. I can smell the scent of her floral shampoo, it assaults my senses, taking me back in time. To when things were different. I will my self-control to remain in tack, blocking out the memories.
“Says who? I think he has a way of making all his needs known. I heard the pipes on this kid earlier remember?”
She reaches over and takes Reid from my arms and kisses his cheeks.
“Lucy, down,” KJ points to the floor.
Lucy looks up at me and back to KJ.
“Christ you’ve been here twenty-four hours, and already I’m losing control of my own house. You’ve even charmed the dog,” she mutters. “Lucy, get down. Go get in your bed.”
This time Lucy moves gives me a nudge and huffs, but she climbs down off the sofa and walks to her bed where she flops back down and watches us.
“I told you she can’t be on the furniture.”
I shrug as I stand and begin gathering up my things. “I guess I’ll hit the road now.”
“So…” KJ hesitates. “Two weeks, right? You’ll call when you leave?”
“Yeah,” I replied half-heartedly. “Please don’t ghost me this time KJ.”
Her face contorts, and she pinches her eyes closed for a moment before looking straight at me, “I know my words don’t mean much at this stage in the game. But, I won’t. We’ll be right here when you come back.”
Maybe I’m foolish because I believe her. I can only hope she doesn’t make me regret it this time.