That really almost happened.
I’m still trying to catch my breath as I lean back under the shower spray and let the warm water cascade down my body. Tears stream down my face. Here, I can let them fall freely.
I let him touch me. God, we almost had sex! Again. I was going to let Rhys fuck me, right there in the kitchen like some kind of slut. Regret sweeps over me as I mentally scold myself for letting things get that far. I should have stopped him, he gave me every chance.
His mention of condoms was worse than a bucket of ice washing over me.
Rhys never used a condom when we were together. That’s in large part, how we ended up here in the first place – that and a fluke with my birth control pills. The IUD I had put in after Reid would assure that wouldn’t happen. Even if I wasn’t having sex, the idea of not having to worry about pills or shots anymore was appealing enough to give it a try.
Not that I blame Rhys, but the fact that he felt like he needed to protect himself proves our level of trust is still non-existent. We’ve come from a place where we were both too caught up in each other, too turned on and needy to even think about something so damn simple – to this.
It’s not something I should feel proud of. We should have used condoms every time, using one now should be a no-brainer – at least until we’d had a conversation about that side of things.
And then it hits me.
What if he was protecting me? Who’s to say that Rhys has been a saint? Could I really blame him if he wasn’t?
I fucked up. And yet it still hurts to think that there might have been someone else in the brief time we were apart.
My tears finally fade by the time the water runs cold, and I step out, wrapping myself in my robe. My throat feels dry, and I can feel a headache coming on. Without thinking, I grab the ibuprofen from the cabinet and slip my feet in my slippers to fetch a bottle of water from the kitchen.
“We should talk,” Rhys catches me off guard as soon as I step in the hall.
“Rhys, its fine. You were smart to stop,” I ignore him and keep moving, trying to escape again as quickly as possible. When I shut the refrigerator door, he’s standing right there. I roll my eyes and sigh in frustration. “You’re not going to let this go, are you?”
“No, I’m not. Because I almost crossed a line with you tonight and I think it’s something we need to talk about.”
“Can we talk about it another time? I’m getting a migraine, and I’d rather sleep it off,” I say as I crack open the bottle of water and rinse down the pills.
“I think we’ll both sleep better if we talk about it now.”
I sit the bottle of water down and scrub my hands over my face. “Talk. Make it quick. Say what you need to say.”
My bossy side throws him for a second. “Shit…I don’t know what I want with you. I know I’m insanely attracted to you. We wouldn’t be here if I was able to resist you,” Rhys pauses, but I know there is so much more than he wants to say.
“But,” I offer.
“But, I’m still hurting. What you did, the choices you made…”
“It’s unforgivable. I get it. I know, I fucked up. And I’ll keep apologizing, not because I’m trying to get something from you, but because I live with that regret every day. When you’re here. When you’re back home, living your life. When you’re off on photo-shoots with other models that I can never compete with. I’m still living with the regret. I’m paying the price for my mistakes. You can have any woman you want Rhys, so do you. Okay?” I swallow back the emotions, forcing myself to stay strong and mean it.
“What the hell do my photo-shoots have to do with anything?” he asks defensively.
“Oh, come on Rhys, you’ve got a whole harem after you. Those half-naked women draped over your body if you have such a hard time resisting me – I’m sure you’ve had your way with more than one of them.”
Rhys' eyes widen, he shakes his head. “Are you fucking serious right now? Do you even hear yourself? I haven’t had sex with anyone else since you.”
His words knock me off course, forcing me to take a step back. “You…you’re not…”
“I’m not fucking anyone. I’m not with anyone. Hell, I’m more with you than anything.”
“Hilarious, Rhys. With me? Shit, you barely speak to me unless it’s related to Reid.”
“Because I’m trying to do the right thing!” He runs his hands through his hair and looks at me. “I’m trying to do the right Goddamn thing. You make it hard for me to think straight. Your apology tonight? I couldn’t trust myself to say anything back to you because I didn’t know what to say. God, Kelsey I want nothing more than to forget about the past and move on, but I need more time.”
“More time to forgive me, but obviously not more time to fuck me. You can do that just fine right?” I snap, more than a little hurt.
“No. Damnit, no. I don’t know.”
“Rhys, listen, you’re a stand-up guy okay? You love Reid fiercely, and I happen to adore you for that. But it’s not good for either of us if you don’t know what you want.”
“What if I want sex, Kelsey? A few months ago, you said that was all you wanted. Why can’t it just be about sex if you’re the one I want to have sex with?”
I ponder his question. He’s not wrong. I did only want sex. Hell, even the first time we were together – it started as just sex. “That’s the thing though Rhys, it’s never only sex with us. You know it, and I know it.”
“So, we take it slow. In the meantime, we’re both getting our needs met.”
“Basically, you’re using me for sex.” And I’m willing to let him. Because I’m an idiot. Because I… I love Rhys Mitchell and if all he’s willing to give me is sex, then I’ll take it.
For now.
Deep down, there’s a part of me that may still believe that he’ll eventually see me as something more.
He moves closer to me, his lips inches from mine as his arms box me in. “Think of it as a mutually beneficial agreement. We’ll both be satisfied.”
I’m not strong enough to tell him no.
I’ve never been able to turn down Rhys.
Instead, I give in and let him scratch his itch. I let him finish what we started earlier, this time in my bed – with my body under his. And he’s right. When he’s done, we are both satisfied, sexually at least.