Chapter Two
Hannah
Aubree was a tiny little thing, smaller than most two-month old’s I was used to seeing. Seeing her and hearing her mother talk about not being able to care for her, hurt something deep inside of me. It made me react without stopping to think about what I was doing. I wanted to protect her, to care for her. But, staring down at the sleeping baby on my bed, I wasn't sure I'd done the right thing.
Her mother was an addict and was clearly using again. Eli was healthy, not on drugs and at least had a job – but was he father-material? I wasn't so sure. In fact, I had some serious reservations and doubts. My stepbrother was a lot of things, but nurturing? Hell, no.
“Good thing you have me, huh?” I said softly, sitting beside her on my bed.
I was nervous to leave her alone, even for a second. My bladder was full and screaming for me to pee, but the idea of leaving this fragile little girl on my bed, all alone, terrified me. She could roll off or roll into a pillow and suffocate.
All kinds of horrible scenarios filled my brain. I would just have to hold it for now. Eli was supposed to be getting off soon, and hopefully he came straight over. He'd never been very good at taking orders or listening to anyone, but this was his daughter – his responsibility. As shockingly and suddenly as it had been dropped into his lap.
I was just doing him a favor by watching over her. Well, not really for him – but for Aubree. I couldn't let that woman leave with her.
Aubree's chest rose and fell softly, and it was a relief to see the little girl breathing. We'd have to pick up a bed for her as soon as possible. I wasn't a mother, Eli wasn't a father, and neither one of us could be trusted to co-sleep with something so small and fragile. I knew how to care for children in the emergency room, not so much in my own home.
My phone rang, and I jumped from the bed. I looked down at Aubree, afraid it might have woken her, but she slept through it. Probably exhausted, or maybe just a deep sleeper.
I picked it up and my dad spoke on the other end of the phone, relief and anger both flooding my body.
“Hannah?” he asked.
“Where have you been?” I said through gritted teeth.
I sat back down on the bed with the phone pressed to my ear. I cringed as my bladder nearly burst from the motion.
“I've been working,” he said, as if that answered everything.
I rolled my eyes. “Working on what? Do you really want to go to jail again?”
My dad groaned. “Hannah, sweetie, I divorced your mom long ago, I don't need this nagging bullshit from you too.”
“Dad, wait –”
I stopped him before he hung up. Biting my lip, I stared down at Aubree. I didn't know anyone else who had experience with kids besides my own father – not that he was ever father of the year or anything like that. But, at the moment, he was the best I had.
“Do you happen to have a crib or basinet?” I asked. “Maybe from when I was a baby?”
There was an awkward silence on the other end of the line. “Hannah, are you –”
“No. Oh, God no,” I laughed.
I mean, it's not like I was seeing anyone or getting any action. I'd just moved back to town – who would I have slept with and gotten pregnant by? I didn't want to give away Eli's news – whether he deemed it good or bad, it wasn't up to me to tell it. So, I lied.
“It's for a friend,” I said. “Someone I met at the hospital. She has a baby and no bed for her, I just thought –”
Dad sighed. “You've always had a good heart, Hannah,” he said. “Yeah, I'll bring it by. It's in the garage, so I'll have to dig it out. How soon do you need it by?”
I looked over at the sleeping baby. “Tonight? If possible?”
It was late, after midnight, but I knew my dad would be awake for a long time yet. It was nothing for him to work late into the night and early into the morning.
He muttered under his breath, though. Clearly not pleased with my request even though I knew he'd be up for a while yet.
“You owe me, dad,” I said, my voice rising. “After all the shit you've put me through over the years –”
“Yeah, yeah,” he said. “I'll dig it out and bring it over. It'll be late. Think you'll be up?”
“I usually work nights at ER,” I said.
When he didn't say anything, I figured that statement didn't quite resonate with him. The idea of a regular work schedule was so foreign to him, he obviously didn't get what I was saying, so I spelled it out for him.
“Yes, of course I'll be up,” I said. “I'm usually up all night. Working. Remember?”
He didn't respond to my attitude. He hardly ever did. Instead, he just said, “Alright. I'll be by later,” he said. “I'll call before I head over.”
He disconnected the call, and I let out a sigh of relief as I rested my head against the backboard of the bed. One problem solved, a hundred more where that had come from. My eyes were growing heavy with sleepiness. Sure, I was usually working nights, but I'd been up most of the day today too, trying to find my dad. He'd been missing longer than usual, and yes, a part of me had feared the worst.
Knowing his habits and love for booze and illegal drugs, it was hard not worry about him. I feared we'd find him dead in a ditch somewhere, or worse, he'd be brought into the hospital while I was working, and I'd have to watch my own dad die in front of me – helpless to do anything to save him because some people are beyond saving.
Like Aubree's mother, I thought to myself. My heart was heavy for the child sleeping next to me. Eli had lost his mom at a young age, and I saw what it had done to him. He was old enough to remember bits and pieces of his mother, however, as was I. Aubrey, the baby's namesake, was a good woman. Strong-willed. A fighter. But, in the end, that hadn't been enough to save her from her addictions. Her demons had won.
My eyes grew even heavier as I remembered getting the call about my stepmother's death. It had been an accident, I was told. An accidental overdose from heroin laced with something else. One that Eli had seen, firsthand, because he'd been with her at the time. That was a lot different than poor little Aubree. Her mother might die, but she was too young and wouldn't have any memories of her. Especially not of her death and her struggles with addiction. Fortunately.
I couldn't be sure, but I had to think it was better somehow. Better that Aubree was spared the devastation that Eli had endured. Of course, no one would really know the effect it would have on the child, not until she was older. But, God willing, if I could help Eli give this child a good, steady life, I was going to do everything in my power to be there for her. Him too, of course.
My phone buzzed, alerting me to an incoming text message. The sound jolted awake. I grabbed the phone and felt relief when I saw it was from Eli.
On my way.
Short and sweet. That was my stepbrother's M.O.
The town of Yora, California wasn't very large, and the drive from the bar to my place wouldn't take very long. The child hadn't even been awake for the most part, not after I'd fed her with the formula Shawna had left for her. She'd fallen right to sleep.
Still, anxiety had riddled my body and mind. I was so afraid of screwing things up, of stepping away and have something happen to her. I didn't have experience as a mother, never babysat as a child. If Aubree were sick, sure, I'd know what to do. I could give her CPR, the Heimlich, tend to her wounds if she got injured. But, because I was a nurse, I also knew all the things that could go wrong – and every single sick or hurt child that had come into my ER had killed a little piece of me over the years. Especially, the ones I couldn't save.
I couldn't let that happen to Aubree.
There was a soft knock on the front door, and I had to leave the baby for a moment. I stupidly hadn't been thinking and had locked the door behind me when we came in. Because, of course I had. Thankfully, I could see into the bedroom from the front door, when I slipped out to open the door. Eli stood there, leaning against the door frame, a look of pure terror on his face.
“Come in,” I said, stepping back to let him inside. I whispered, “She's in the bedroom. Dad is bringing over a baby bed for her soon.”
Eli sighed, his entire body heaving with that one gesture, as he ran a hand through his scraggly, dark brown hair. His chocolate brown eyes were filled with anxiety and fear, and in that moment, I wanted to hug him. To discover you're a father, completely out of left field like that – it couldn't have been easy.
Yet, I didn't embrace him. I knew better than that. He cracked his knuckles and paced the living room. I'd only been back in town a short while, and I hadn't yet realized how grown-up my stepbrother looked now. His face had a light dusting of stubble, his body was thick and full, obviously he worked out. Wearing some dark jeans and a fitted t-shirt, it was hard not to see how filled out he'd become.
He turned and caught me staring, and I averted my eyes, looking down at the floor instead of at his ass. I could have been wrong, but I swear the twinge of a smile crept over his face. Just like that, however, it was gone again.
Aubree let out a soft cry, and I rushed out of the room, scooping the little girl up in my arms, whispering softly to her.
“It's okay, sweetie,” I cooed. “It's going to be okay.”
I rocked her in my arms, and saw Eli standing in the doorway, his face softer as he watched us – though the look of abject terror in his eyes remained.
“She's beautiful, Eli,” I said, holding his daughter so he could really see her. “She looks just like you.”
His jaw tightened, as did the rest of his chiseled face, but then he looked down upon the baby and something shifted in his eyes. I could have sworn it was love at first sight. The look in his eyes told me he loved that little girl – it would just take time for him to fully comprehend it.
“I don't know the first thing about being a father, Hannah –” he said softly.
“Do you think anyone knows how to be a parent? Not right away, but they learn,” I said.
I motioned for him to take his daughter into his arms. He hesitated, shaking his head, but then relented. The baby stared up at him with brown eyes that looked very similar in color to his own. Aubree looked at her father with wide eyes full of curiosity.
“See?” I asked. “You're a natural.”
“I'm not a natural,” he grumbled. “I need to find Shawn. She needs to –”
“Do you really want your daughter to be raised by an addict?” I said. “After what you experienced as a kid, Eli?”
He flinched as if I'd hit him, and I knew the words were harsh. Sometimes, you had to be harsh to get through to him though. In this case, I knew I was right – and he knew I was right. Not that he'd ever actually admit to it.
He didn't say anything though. He just looked down at Aubree with so many emotions swirling in his eyes. Anxiety. Fear. Then a hint of a smile. Followed by more fear.
“Hannah, I can't do this alone,” he said. “Shawna is her mother. She needs her mother –”
“You're not going to do this alone,” I said. “You have me. And while he might not be much help, you have my dad too. He raised me, didn't he?”
Eli started to argue, “Actually, you lived with –”
“Hush,” I said, stepping up in front of him. I might be almost a foot shorter than my stepbrother, but I didn't let my lack of size stop me from standing my ground. “You know what I meant. Just that, you're not alone. You've got your family.”
I knew that look on his face, the one that said he didn't have a family. He didn't have to say it because he'd already said it many times before. I reached out and touched his arm, stroking it gently.
“You do have family, Eli,” I said gently. “Whether you realize it or not. I might not have grown up alongside you, but I'm here for you all the same. I hope you know that”
We locked eyes for one, intense second and I felt myself drowning under the weight of his stare. Just like old times, I thought. Aubree fussed in his arms, causing him to lower his gaze and focus on the child – and it reminded me. I really needed to use the bathroom.
“I'll be right back,” I said.
“Wait, you can't just leave me with her –” Eli stammered.
“Eli, you're her dad,” I said dryly. “You're going to have to get used to being alone with her. I'm just going to the bathroom, I'll be right back.”
I slipped into the bathroom just as another knock on the front door echoed through my place Ugh.
“That's probably my dad,” I called out. “Do you mind?”
“Uh sure,” Eli's voice called back to me. “Where should I – never mind.”
He grumbled something, then I heard his footsteps moving toward the front room. The door opened, and my dad's voice echoed through the apartment.
“She's in the bathroom,” Eli said.
I finished up, but decided to listen in, to see what I could find out about my dad. He wouldn't talk to me, but he might talk to Eli. I pressed my ear against the door and tried to make out their voices.
“What are you doing over here so late?” Dad asked. “And who is this?”
“Uh, well, that's a long story,” Eli said.
Damn. Should have known that the discussion would center more on the baby than whatever my dad's been up to lately. Eli having a baby in his arms was pretty odd and not something you'd expect to see every day. Something I probably should have thought of.
Oh well, live and learn. I finished up, washed my hands, and walked into the living room. The two men were silently staring down at the baby like it was some kind of alien species.
“Seriously, haven't either of you seen a baby before?” I laughed.
Dad looked up at me, his eyes heavy. He looked tired, but it was late so I couldn't really blame him. His dirty blonde hair was pulled back into a braid that ran down to the middle of his back, his beard longer than it was the last time I'd seen him. Which had been what, a few days ago now? Maybe a week?
“You didn't tell me the kid was here, Hannah,” Dad grumbled.
“Yeah, well, I figured Eli should be the one to tell you the news, not me.” I plopped down on the couch nearby.
Dad turned to look at his stepson. “News? What news?”
“That apparently, I have a kid now,” he said, scratching his face as he spoke, Aubree held firmly in one arm against his chest. “An ex-girlfriend of mine dropped by today. Dropped off the kid and left.”
“For Christ's sake,” Dad muttered, shaking his head. “How the fuck do you have a kid you don't even know about?”
I cringed. Yeah, the thought crossed my mind too, but the look on Eli's face was one of pure pain. He and my dad never really liked each other much. My dad had always been too hard on him, while Eli had always been a bit of a troublemaker. Dad never treated him like his own son either. More like an outsider than anything – which, of course, caused them more than a few problems. There was a distance between them, but it wasn't like Eli had done much to bridge that gap.
“Dad –” I said, standing and coming to my stepbrother's defense. Eli seemed surprised, glancing over at me with raised eyebrows. “No use getting onto him about it now. What's done is done. He has a kid. You're a grandpa now –”
“Like hell I am,” Dad said. “I brought over the bed, but that's it. If you're smart, you'll find that kid's mom and give her right back. Eli isn't cut out for this shit, and I don't want my daughter –”
I pushed my dad toward the door. “Just go, dad. You're not helping,” I said under my breath.
He moved toward the door but stopped short and glared at Eli. “If the kid's mom is out of the picture or some crackhead,” he said, “do it a favor and turn it over to the state before it's too late.”
I pushed my dad harder, this time out of anger. Rage boiled up inside of me.
“How dare you –”
Eli stopped me. “No, he's right, Hannah.”
His voice had dropped significantly, but he looked serious as he spoke.
“No, he's not, Eli. Don't listen to him,” I said.
Dad stepped out the door, and I slammed it in his face. I turned to my stepbrother, resting my back against the door. My heart ached for him. He looked down at the bundle in his arms, and there were tears in his eyes. Actual tears. I couldn't recall the last time I'd seen him cry. Maybe at his mother's funeral. Maybe?
“Eli,” I said, pushing myself away from the door and walking over to him.
I stroked his cheek gently, wiping the tear away, but he stepped back, putting as much distance between us as possible.
“Don't pity me, Hannah. I fucked up, it's not fair that Aubree has to pay the price for it,” he said. With a deep sigh, he added, “I have to find Shawna.”
“No, no you don't,” I said. “She's on drugs. Do you really want Aubree to see her mother like that? To grow up in that kind of environment? Of all people, Eli, I'd think you'd understand why that's a bad idea.”
He cringed. “I can't do anything on my own,” he said. “I can't even hand her over to the state without her mother's permission.”
He was right there, but I still didn't want to believe that was the only option. I still didn't want to imagine Aubree in a foster home or lost somewhere in the system. She was Eli's daughter, which meant she was family to me, and I was attached to her already. God help me, less than a day in, and I already loved that little girl in ways I didn't even know were possible.
“Then you're going to keep her, Eli,” I said. “You're going to raise her, and I'm going to help you.”
“You?” Eli scoffed. “And why would you do anything to help me?”
I wanted to say – because we weren't always enemies. Once upon a time, we'd cared for each other, deeper than we should have – and part of me still cared for him.
Instead of telling him the truth though, I settled for a half-truth. “Because I already love that little girl, and I want to do what's best for her.”
“And you think I'm what's best for her?” he asked, his voice coming out angry. “Shows how fucked up this whole situation really is.”
“Yes, I do, Eli. I think her father is what's best for her,” I said, standing my ground.
We were both quiet as Aubree fussed, her cries echoing through the room, a shrill sound that hurt my ears and broke my heart. I walked toward Eli and took the child into my arms, calming her down and soothing her. I caught a whiff of something and laughed even though it wasn't really a time for joking around.
“What's so funny?” he muttered.
“You're going to have your first daddy lesson. Right now,” I said, grabbing a diaper from the diaper bag, tossing it to him.
“Oh, hell no,” he said. “Please, Hannah, could you –”
“Nope, it's all you, dude,” I said, laying the baby down on the floor carefully. “I'm going to teach you, but you're going to be the one doing it.”
He looked absolutely disgusted by the idea. Poor guy, but he had to learn some time, and as they said, there's no time like the present.
“Why would you do this to me?” he asked.
“Because, let's face it, I love torturing you,” I teased, sticking my tongue out at him.