Shelley
I can’t believe what I’m hearing from this stranger in front of me. Jesus, I do not know what to say.
Skipper?
I get up to make more tea as promised and I can feel my hands shaking as I do so.
‘I knew I shouldn’t have told you this,’ says Juliette and I feel so bad for not being able to hide what I’m thinking. ‘Maybe we should just leave, after all.’
‘No,’ I tell her. ‘You don’t have to.’
‘Is it bad that it’s him?’ she asks me. ‘Is he a bad person or is he someone I should avoid?’
‘No, he’s not a bad person.’
‘Oh my God, is it your husband?’
‘No!’ I tell her quickly. ‘God, no! It’s not my husband.’
Her pale face relaxes just a little.
‘Matt wouldn’t know the first thing about working on boats,’ I explain. ‘But he has told me so much about Skipper. Oh Juliette, I am so sorry to be the one to have to tell you but—’
‘What then?’
‘I’m sorry,’ I tell her, glancing out at Rosie, then looking back at Juliette in pity. ‘He’s … he’s not here anymore.’
I can’t say it. I really can’t say it but then Juliette says it for me.
‘He’s dead, isn’t he?’
I nod. She’s right. Skipper is dead. Oh Christ, this is awful. She sits back down on her stool and puts her head in her hands and she starts to cry.
‘Oh, Juliette I am so, so sorry,’ I say to her. I go towards her and I want to touch her shoulder and make her feel better but I don’t. ‘I wish I had much better news for you and it was so brave of you to tell me but—’
‘What the hell am I crying for?’ she whispers and sniffles, glancing all the time out towards the balcony in case Rosie comes back in. ‘I barely knew him. I don’t know why I am getting so upset. I know nothing about him, only what I see every day through my daughter. Why am I so upset?’
‘Of course you’re upset,’ I say and then I do something that until yesterday, I haven’t done to anyone since Lily died, apart from Matt, or my dad when I see him. I reach out to her and I give her a hug, just like I did with Rosie yesterday evening on the beach. She hugs me back tightly and I try to squeeze away some of her pain and some of my own pain too.
‘I swear to God I wasn’t expecting him to be dead,’ she tells me when we part. ‘I had myself all prepared for him being a married man who didn’t want to know me or Rosie, or even someone who didn’t remember me and denied it all and demanded some sort of DNA test to prove it. I had so many scenarios go through my head but never did I think he would be dead. He was only my age or thereabouts. Maybe a bit younger. How can he be dead? When?’
‘Skipper, or Pete which was his real name, was only about twenty-five when he died, I think,’ I tell her, trying to explain this as gently as I can. ‘I didn’t get the chance to ever meet him in person, but Matt speaks so fondly of him and his death was a big shock to everyone who knew him.’
She looks out the window, her face furrowed in pain.
‘How did he …?’
I swallow. I only ever heard this story second-hand through Matt but it’s one of those stories that everyone around here knows.
‘He was killed in an accident,’ I tell her. ‘A boating accident, which makes it even more tragic as he was one of the finest captains around here, or so they say. I’m ever so sorry.’
I can’t bear to think what must be going through Juliette’s head right now at the news of Rosie’s biological father being dead all this time. The thought of leaving her child behind with no consolation of finally meeting her biological father must be truly devastating for her.
‘I had so many silly hopes and dreams for what might come out of this trip, even though I denied it to everyone, including myself,’ Juliette says. ‘I had hoped so much in my heart that Skipper would remember me instantly and would recognize Rosie as his own the moment he laid eyes on her, and even if he had a wife and family of his own, he would slowly welcome her into his life … so that when I go, I would know that she at least got to meet him and that I’d done my bit instead of all these years of telling her that her father had never known I was stillpregnant with her, and that I’d never been able to find him to tell him about her.’
‘Oh you poor thing. Is that what you told her?’
She shrugs and nods. ‘I’m not proud of it, but I had to come up with something to answer her questions,’ she said. ‘That worked until she was about ten and then I met Dan, my husband, and she forgot about what she didn’t have for a while. But recently, well since Dan and I split up actually, she’s been asking me about him again and I’ve found letters that she has been writing to him, telling him all about her life so far and it just tore me up inside when I saw her longing for him in black and white. I really hoped this would all be different, just for her sake, but my sister was right. I shouldn’t have come here. I should have let sleeping dogs lie. I should have just gone to Scotland or Cornwall or somewhere that isn’t here, somewhere with no memories.’
I want to phone Matt and ask him what I should do or say in this situation. He would know exactly what to do. He is so much better at this type of thing than I am, plus he would be able to tell her so many stories about Skipper and some of the funny times they spent together which would maybe ease Juliette’s pain. He knew him so well and I know that when Matt hears there is a little girl alive in Skipper’s memory, it will be bittersweet for him and all who knew the legendary Skipper around here.
‘Look, I know there must be so many “what ifs” going through your head right now,’ I say to Juliette, ‘but I think you were right to come here. I do still think it was meant to be.’
‘You really do think that?’ she asks me, dabbing under her eyes with a tissue. ‘Oh, I really hope you’re right because right now I feel like such a failure, a romantic fool.’
‘Yes, I really do think so,’ I say, not knowing where or how I am finding the words. ‘You have got answers. They may not be the answers you were hoping for, but at least you have closure in your own mind and you can tell Rosie the truth. Tell her that this is where you met her biological father all those years ago and about the fun you had and how this is the place she can come to when she wants to feel close to him. And maybe close to you too, after this time together here. This has always been a special place for you and it’s now even more special for your daughter, Juliette. Focus on the days ahead with Rosie. In time, she may want to look up some of Skipper’s relatives and who knows what she will discover, but you’ve made the move you always wanted to. You’ve come here and I don’t think you’ve done so in vain, not for a second.’
Rosie and Merlin arrive back into the kitchen which is perfect timing as only moments before the situation may have been a little hard to explain, but Juliette has perked up now and she beams when her daughter enters the room.
‘Do you have an iPhone charger by any chance?’ she asks me, holding up her phone as if I need to see what an iPhone looks like. ‘Mum, I swear I want to live here. There are even sockets to plug in your phone out on the balcony. This is so my dream house. I feel like Kendall Jenner hanging out here. My friends are so jealous.’
Juliette shoots me a glance and rolls her eyes and we all have a laugh at Rosie’s observations.
She looks so different today with her hair tied up in a loose ponytail and a lot less make up on. Her skin is dewy and young and now I know why she looked so familiar to me when I first laid eyes on her. We have a connection. I may not have known Skipper, but he was one of Matt’s best friends and a friend of Matt’s is a friend of mine. Now here I am standing in front of the daughter he never knew he had. I may sound a bit like Eliza with all my belief in fate and signs, but I definitely did feel a connection when I looked into her eyes on the sand dunes yesterday and now I know why.
‘I should have one somewhere,’ I reply as Juliette tells off Rosie once again for speaking out of turn, but I honestly don’t mind. What I would give for Lily to be here now asking for things or playing up or throwing a tantrum or being cheeky. I would give the world without hesitation.
I find Rosie a phone charger in one of the kitchen drawers and she thanks me then bounds back outside.
‘I think my Merlin has a new best friend,’ I say to Juliette who watches her daughter leave, her head tilted to the side and a look of pure love on her face.
‘She sometimes seems like she hasn’t a care in the world, like she doesn’t have the worry of a dying mother and an absent father she never knew to deal with,’ she says to me. ‘I just wish she could be like that for a lot longer – young, innocent and carefree, but it’s all going to come crashing down soon, isn’t it? Her teenage years are going to be robbed and she’ll have to grow up overnight. My poor little Rosie.’
I can’t let the idea of how sad that is sink in right now.
‘Look, if you want to find out any more about Skipper, you know, when Rosie is up for it, I can give you my details,’ I tell her, trying to give her some direction to go from here.
‘You will? Oh, Shelley that would mean the world to me.’
‘Of course I will,’ I reply. It’s the very least I can offer. ‘And she can talk to Matt and we will help her in any way we can. I don’t know a lot about her father, only what my husband has told me, but Matt will be so delighted to look you both up and tell you what he can. Oh, I wish he was here right now. He would have all the answers you’re looking for.’
And I so know he would. Matt would be over the moon to meet Rosie and Juliette in honour of Skipper and I can’t wait to tell him all of this. And wait till I tell Eliza! She’ll be convinced that she is Mystic Meg after her prediction about the colour blue yesterday. I do feel strangely positive for having met Rosie, and now Juliette. Maybe some encounters in life are fateful after all, though my father would have a fit of hysterics if he heard this.
‘Are Skipper’s family local?’ asks Juliette. ‘Or is there a grave I could visit before I leave here?’
Oh no. I was hoping she wouldn’t ask that question.
‘I’m afraid not,’ I tell her. ‘He wasn’t from here, you see. He was from County Waterford which is over three hours’ travel from here. I guess he must have been a regular visitor here, but no, there is no family here and no grave locally. I’m sorry.’
To my great surprise this final bombshell doesn’t seem to be as devastating to Juliette as I thought it might be. Instead she looks a little happier for hearing it.
‘My grandparents are from Waterford,’ she tells me, and I can totally understand why her spirits seem to have lifted at that. ‘They’re from a town called Dungarvan, do you know it?’
‘Yes, I’ve heard of that place. Never been though,’ I say to her.
‘I have,’ she says with delight. ‘I visited there with Birgit that same summer and I can’t believe that Skipper and I didn’t cover that when I met him in Brannigan’s that night. Well, to be perfectly honest, I don’t recall a lot of what we talked about, but I’m sure I would have mentioned that should he have said where he was from. Drink, eh? Oh, to be so young and naive. I should be ashamed of myself. No wonder I’ve kept it more or less to myself for all these years.’
I shrug my shoulders. ‘We’ve all had fuzzy nights that we’d rather file away in the back of our minds,’ I assure her. ‘But no matter what you talked about to him, don’t you feel better now knowing where he was from and that he was such a fun, talented person?’
Juliette nods. ‘I do. Thank you so much,’ she says. ‘Plus, I can’t believe we‘ve been talking for an hour and I’ve told you my life story and you’ve barely told me one thing about yourself.’
I freeze at the idea of it. No, I can’t go there, not right now when I am doing so well with this distraction. I don’t want to talk about me, I am sick of my life story and all of my misery. Focusing on Juliette and Rosie and Skipper and all its mystery, not to mention the great feeling I get by knowing I may be able to help them, is what I need to hold on to.
‘I have enjoyed it, really I have,’ I tell Juliette. If only she knew how rare this scenario is for me to be chatting over tea, in my kitchen, with a virtual stranger. ‘I am very glad you called and it looks like Rosie has enjoyed herself too. I know Merlin has.’
‘They both certainly have,’ says Juliette. ‘She’s like a different child after meeting you yesterday, Shelley. Look, maybe we could meet up again before we leave Killara, would that be an idea? Let me buy you a tea next time and you get to tell me your deepest darkest secrets now that I’ve spilled mine out to you!’
Juliette laughs like it’s the most natural thing in the world for her to simply return the favour by buying me a coffee, but the very thought of doing something so … well, so normal and sociable and public, well it freaks me out, much to my own frustration.
My anxiety returns like a bolt out of the blue at the thought of meeting her somewhere other than here, but I really do want to see both of them again. I hate being like this. I hate feeling dizzy and sweaty and tingly all over with pins and needles as soon as someone suggests something like this to me. I need to rise above it. I wish I could.
‘Or better still,’ Juliette continues. ‘Why don’t you join us for Sunday lunch down on the pier in that cute little Beach House Café right now? Rosie must be hungry by now and there’s no point you cooking for one – my treat? I’d love to chat more and we could bring the dog and sit outside now that the sun has decided to show its face.’
I freeze again. My mouth dries up. I don’t know how to explain this to her. I want to go for lunch and I want to chat more down by the pier with Merlin, out in the sunshine and watching the world go by, but I don’t know if I can. The guilt rises. The panic rises. So I do what my bereavement counsellor once told me to do when I feel such an attack coming on. I look for an object, something familiar. My wedding ring … yes, that will do. I touch it. It’s real. I breathe right into my diaphragm. I twist it around my finger. I breathe more.
‘Shelley, are you okay?’ Juliette asks me and I just manage a nod in reply. I look down on this feeling in my mind. It will not overpower me. I am in charge. I am in control. I want to go so I will go.
‘I’m really sorry, but I can’t, not today, but thank you,’ I say to Juliette. Shit!
‘Oh,’ is her reply. ‘Okay then, I totally understand that it’s short notice for you. Some other time then, eh?’
I nod again and manage to stammer. ‘Yes, yes, of course. Some other time.’
Some other time? Hardly sensitive of me to agree to that. Not like she has all the time in the world though, is it? But the fear … why on earth do I have to be like this?
Rosie comes in with Merlin again and it’s a welcome distraction.
‘He really is the smartest dog I have ever met. Watch this, Mum.’
Rosie kneels down on the floor and Merlin lifts his two front paws up and places them on her shoulders which distracts me and I feel my pulse slowing down. I didn’t even know he could do that.
‘Good boy, Merlin!’ I say to my dog, feeling calmer already at his familiarity. ‘You must be something special, Rosie, because I’ve never ever known him to do that to anyone.’
Juliette beams at this, as does Rosie.
‘And he can give me his paw and he lies down when I tell him,’ Rosie tells us. ‘Oh, he is just the best, aren’t you Merlin? You’re the best dog in the whole world!’
My breathing slowly returns to normal and my heartrate slows to a regular beat as I watch this little girl work her magic on Merlin, who isn’t really used to anyone but me or Matt these days. Why does she soothe me so much? Does she remind me of what my future could have been like with Lily? Why do I feel this sense of ease and contentment when I see her? A stranger’s child, a young girl who I don’t know, yet who I long to hold tight, to look after in this big bad world when her darling mother has to leave her all on her own. She is like me, that’s why. She is about to go through exactly what I went through and I long to take that all away and give her the security she deserves … but of course, I will never be able to do such a thing.
‘We need to get going if we want to order lunch,’ Juliette says to her daughter. ‘Shelley, are you sure you won’t join us?’
I want to, I want to, I so want to but I can’t.
‘I can’t,’ I say, squeezing my fingers. Juliette looks at my hands, then at me and then it looks like the penny has dropped.
‘What are you afraid of?’ she asks me. Rosie has busied herself with the dog again, delighted to have stretched out some extra time with him.
‘It’s just … I’m just afraid.’
‘Of me? Of Rosie? Of being seen out with a stunner like me in public?’
I manage a tiny smile. ‘No, well, I—’
My heart starts to race again.
‘Would you feel better if you did come?’ Juliette asks me. ‘Would it make you feel like you’ve done something positive today?’
I nod. I can’t speak. The thought of actually doing something nice for me, fills me with such—
‘Guilt,’ I spit out. ‘I’d feel guilty if I went out and enjoyed myself.’
Juliette folds her arms.
‘Oh no,’ she says, shaking her head. ‘Guilty if you enjoy yourself? If you have lunch out in your own home village? You can’t live like this forever, Shelley. No way! You can’t keep punishing yourself for whatever it is you feel you may have done wrong.’
Juliette is right, of course. I need to rise above this grief and fear once and for all and put another’s needs in front of mine. I have only just met these wonderful people and I will not allow my anxiety to rule my heart for any longer. I will go. I will force myself, I will be strong for once and I will go.
‘Can you give me five minutes to freshen up?’ I ask Juliette, whose face instantly brightens at my turnaround. I am going to do this. I am going to believe in myself and take this all as a sign to help myself as much as I seem to have helped them.
‘I don’t mean to push you into anything you aren’t comfortable with, but please don’t ever feel guilty for enjoying yourself, Shelley,’ she says to me. ‘Life is way too short for that crap. Maybe you have other plans?’
‘Unless you count reading the Sunday papers online, or having yet another bath, or walking Merlin on the beach which I do every day, I have absolutely no other plans.’
‘Well, then put some lippy on and let’s get out of here. I think I owe you at least a lunch, and believe me, Juliette Fox doesn’t do lunch in halves. We will be having the works, just you wait and see.’
I don’t think I am going to get out of this at all and I actually love that Juliette is pushing me. Normally people just give up when I say ‘no’ more than once but she is making me do this. She is pushing me to do something totally normal and as hard as I know it will be to go out and face the world socially, I know it’s what I want to do deep down.
‘Can you wait for five minutes?’ I ask. ‘Or I can meet you there?’
‘We can wait for you of course,’ she tells me. ‘Now go quickly and don’t you dare change your mind.’
‘I won’t change my mind,’ I say with determination. ‘Rosie, maybe you could fetch Merlin’s lead from the hallway and help me get him ready?’
Rosie is already halfway down the hallway and Juliette flashes me a smile.
‘You have no idea how much this means to me, to see her so full of life and energy, Shelley,’ she says to me.
‘I do have an idea,’ I reply. ‘I feel it too for some reason. She’s a special girl, your Rosie.’
‘Well forgive me for being biased, but I honestly think she is very special indeed,’ says Juliette. ‘I suppose I’m starting to see just how amazing she is as I’m absorbing everything so much more, now that I know it’s all coming to an end.’
‘I can’t imagine.’
‘Everything in me is heightened, Shelley,’ she explains. ‘Every hurt, every fear, every little bit of love that comes my way, I feel it all at its strongest and it can be very frightening, but also very rewarding.’
‘Ready!’ says Rosie, clutching onto Merlin’s lead as he tries to take her for a walk around the kitchen already.
‘I’ll be as quick as I can,’ I tell them both and I go quickly to the bathroom where I dab my pressure points on my neck, wrists and temples with cold water, look at my reflection for ten seconds, and say a quick prayer to Lily to help me make this step today. I know she would want me to get on with my life. I know my mother is cheering me on to forgive myself and laugh a little, to see the brighter side of life again and to believe in love again, not only with Matt but also with friends and strangers alike. I do feel like I am making a big change right now. My mother is close, just as Eliza told me on Lily’s birthday yesterday.
I can do this. I know I can.