Juliette
THURSDAY
I feel like I have a hangover as I make my way to the kitchen where I find Shelley tidying away bits and pieces that have gathered over the past day or so. My legs are weak and there’s a banging in my head, like someone is constantly knocking on a door within my skull, but I need to get up and face the day. I can’t lie around forever, especially not when I’m here.
‘Oh darling, did you stay here last night?’ I ask her. ‘You really are one in a million, Shelley. I’m sure you have much better things to be doing with your time than looking after us. I’m so sorry for yesterday.’
Shelley busies herself, wiping down worktops and filling the kettle.
‘I can assure you that this is where I feel I should be right now, and it’s the least I can do,’ she says to me. ‘Now, sit down and I’ll get you a cuppa. How are you feeling? You look a bit brighter this morning. Did you have a good sleep?’
Her words of encouragement are endearing so I decide to go along with her observation.
‘I’m a bit brighter, yes,’ I tell her, but the sadness in my eyes won’t lie. I sit down, slowly. ‘It’s not going to take me over just yet, Shelley. There is no way it’s going to happen this fast. I have plans for today. I have plans for the rest of this holiday.’
‘Do you need to see a doctor?’ Shelley asks me. ‘You look very frail, Juliette. I know you’re in a lot more pain than you were yesterday and you don’t have to try and hide it from me or from anyone. Please don’t suffer in silence. I’m here for you.’
I shake my head.
‘Yesterday was beautiful,’ I tell her. ‘The day before was also beautiful. Every day that I’ve been here with Rosie has been so wonderful and I don’t want her last few days here to be spent watching me in bed with a doctor by my side. I simply won’t let it happen.’
Shelley’s hands are shaking as she pours a pot of tea.
‘You can’t play God, unfortunately, Juliette,’ she says to me. ‘If you need a doctor, I’ll get you one. You can’t pretend this isn’t happening.’
‘I’ll pretend for as long as I can,’ I say to her and she stops what she is doing and looks me right in the eye.
‘You’re a stubborn old gal, aren’t you?’ she says to me. ‘Were you always this headstrong?’
I manage a laugh. Then I shrug and roll my eyes.
‘I have been told that before a few times, yes,’ I say to Shelley. ‘You have summed me up pretty well, my friend but I’m not giving in until I have to. Not until I collapse. I’ll keep standing until I can stand no more. I need to keep going for Rosie and to make this holiday what I intended it to be. Fun.’
Shelley takes a deep breath.
‘Tell me what you have in mind for today then, Superwoman,’ she says as she brings the teapot to the table. ‘Seriously though, Juliette, don’t push yourself physically if you’re not up for it today. I’m sure Rosie will understand if you need another day’s rest and I can look after her if you need me to. I could take her into Galway and do some shopping like you said she might enjoy?’
Her offer is very kind, but I need Rosie near me today and tomorrow and every day from now on. I may not have too many days left.
‘Thank you so much, Shelley,’ I say as she sets down tea cup and pours me some tea. She sits on the chair opposite with her own cup in her hand. ‘I’ve had a wonderful few days here. I’ve tasted the most beautiful seafood and freshly baked desserts not to mention all the bubbly; I’ve felt a whirlwind of emotions run through my veins when I was on the back of that horse and I’ve seen the most magnificent sights as we sailed around the Cliffs of Moher. In fact, I’ve enjoyed every single moment, especially opening this cottage door every morning and smelling the sea on my doorstep.’
Shelley’s eyes well up as she smiles across at me. ‘You really do take it all in, don’t you?’ she says. ‘You’ve helped me awaken each of my senses too and I can’t thank you enough for that. I was dead inside before you came along. I really can’t thank you enough.’
‘Hearing you say that makes all this pain a lot more bearable, believe me,’ I tell Shelley. ‘I had a feeling that coming here would make some sort of difference even though I didn’t really know how. I didn’t get to meet Skipper, but I got to meet you instead and that has made it even more special than I could have anticipated. You’re going to be okay, you know that Shelley? You have a great man who loves you, you live in the most beautiful place and you have wonderful friends. You have a lot to live for.’
‘And you have made me see that I do,’ she says to me. ‘Rosie is a lucky girl to have had such a strong woman as her mentor in her early years. I know it’s a cruel twist of fate to take that away from her now, but she has learned a lot from you. She’s a lot like you, you know that, don’t you?’
I nod and smile at Shelley. I’ve always loved when people saw similarities between me and my daughter.
‘You have left a great legacy in her and, in a way, in me too. I will never, ever forget you for it.’
I see tears well up in Shelley’s eyes and the fear of my death rippling through her as she looks at me.
‘Then you’ll have to see my mission through ‘til the end,’ I tell her. ‘No backing out now, Shelley. You said I have awakened your senses. Well, I have one more of those senses that I want to make the most of.’
She looks intrigued and I can see her run through the five senses to see which one I have still to maximise.
‘Sound?’ she suggests and I nod.
‘Correct,’ I tell her, sipping my tea. ‘Today I’d like to go to Brannigan’s Bar and drink Guinness and listen to a traditional Irish music session and let the sounds of the fiddle and the bodhran and the whistle fill my soul. Do you think you could round up some people to play some music for me, or is that too much to ask at such short notice?’
Shelley is up on her feet and pulling out her phone already. I feel a shiver run through me as she takes on my request with such passion and determination. She is glowing as she speaks on the phone, and pacing the floor with excitement.
In moments, she is out of breath with adrenaline and excitement and she hangs up and smiles.
‘Done,’ she says. ‘That’s sorted. Now can I get you some breakfast?’
‘You can be Superwoman too when you put your mind to it, can’t you Shelley?’ I say with a smile. ‘I’d love some scrambled eggs, please.’
And at that she is rummaging in the fridge, ready for the challenge of feeding me. Shelley is a champion and I am glad I am making her see that in herself. She has made my last wish come true in the blink of an eye, because of how much people around here like to help each other and I am delighted to see her realize that again after hiding away for so long.
Meanwhile, my own time is ticking away and I can hear my throbbing head counting down the seconds, minutes, hours. I hold my head in my hands when I know that Shelley is not looking and I pray that I get through the next few days. I need to see a doctor very soon, but I want to hear the sweet sounds of live music first.
Shelley
I listen to the bacon sizzle on the pan as Juliette is in the shower and the smell of it makes my tummy rumble. My blood is pumping through my veins, and I’m determined to make this the best day ever for Juliette and so far so good, as I’ve pulled in my good old friend Dermot to arrange the biggest music session he can in Brannigan’s. One thing about living in Killara is that music of all sorts is never too far away and we all love any excuse to get together for a singsong and some tunes. Who would have thought that I would be capable of this? Of taking the bull by the horns and getting stuck in to doing something for another person that involves making phone calls on a whim? I can’t believe that I’m actually going to go to a pub this evening and listen to music. I am driven by my determination, and it overtakes any fears for Juliette’s health but maybe it’s because I can do absolutely nothing about that besides look out for her when she needs me. This is the only way I feel I can help.
I can’t help but smile to myself in a congratulatory way when I hang up the phone. Mission accomplished. Dermot was delighted to hear from me and said he misses seeing my face around. I never thought that anyone might miss me and to hear that from old friends in the community makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside.
‘What a rainy day again!’ says Rosie, who comes into the kitchen bleary-eyed and still in her pyjamas. ‘Oh, hello, did you sleep here last night?’
She looks at me, noticing that I am still in the same clothes.
‘Yes, I was too lazy to walk home so I crashed on the sofa,’ I tell her, which is partly true. I really stayed because I was afraid that Juliette might get worse during the night, and I slept with one eye open in case.
‘Where’s Mum?’ she asks. ‘She isn’t in her room.’
‘She’s just in the shower. Do you like eggs?’ I ask her and she mumbles a yes, scratching her head and opening the fridge, staring into it and then closing it with a sigh.
I watch her and my heart spins as this moment kicks in. It’s like my future should have been, asking my teenage daughter something as simple as what she would like for breakfast as she skulks around in her pyjamas on a rainy summer morning. This should have been my life and I am so content in this position, being a mum. Why couldn’t I have been a mum for longer? Why couldn’t I have moments like this?
I flip the bacon and listen to the fresh burst of sizzling on the pan and then just as I am about to say something, I feel two arms wrap around my waist and I freeze, not wanting to let this moment go. I look down and see pink and white sleeves and two young hands clasp together as she gives me a hug from behind, her cheek resting on my back. I look at her hands.
Oh Lily, I think to myself. How I am missing you and what we could have had together. I had so much love to give you and now you have sent me this beautiful young girl and her mother to be my friends and to teach me how to love again. I know that you are so very near. I can love again and I thank you, Lily.
‘Thank you, Shelley,’ says Rosie, still holding on to me. ‘Thank you so much for staying. Thank you for being here for me and my mum.’
The warmth of her hug and the closeness she feels to me fills me up inside.
‘Is this a private party or can I join in too?’
I turn around to see Juliette in her bathrobe and, with light fluffy patches of damp hair on her balding head.
Rosie and I both open our arms and she comes to meet us, then the three of us hold each other with our eyes closed, our minds wandering to places where our hearts belong.
After work, I walk up the hill of Killara and over the winding roads that lead to my house up on the heights and the familiar sight of the lighthouse in front of me makes me smile. I popped in earlier to shower and change and despite the drizzling rain, I decided to walk to work without a raincoat or umbrella, as I want to keep feeling things, even things as simple as the rain on my face or the wind in my hair. I need reminding that I am alive and there is still so much to be alive for. I’m looking forward to the evening ahead and to catching up with people I’ve been avoiding for too long. Sarah and Tom are going to be there, as are many familiar faces from the village. The word has spread about this very special gathering to give Juliette an evening she will hold in her heart for the rest of her days.
I get to the top of my driveway but instead of going inside, I walk around the side of the house to the garden where Lily’s apple tree stands and I stare at it for a while as the evening rain falls down, wets my cheeks and runs down my forehead.
‘You’re still with me, aren’t you,’ I whisper and I feel her near me, her little arms around my neck and that warm sensation of unconditional love that only a child can give you. I was reminded of it so much today when Rosie hugged me and thanked me for being there for her. I found Rosie on Lily’s birthday and my life has changed for the better ever since, though I dread to see Juliette get sicker as the inevitable comes close to her.
I do believe that some people come into our lives sometimes and it’s hard to explain, but we just fit, we just work. Maybe it’s just luck, maybe it’s fate, I don’t know, but I do know that when it happens, it can fill you up with a reminder of what it is that makes the world go round. It’s this feeling I have right now, whatever it is called. It’s the feeling I get when I hear Matt’s voice, or when I laugh with Sarah. It’s the feeling I get when I smell the familiarity of Eliza’s perfume when she walks in the room, or when I get a call from my dad. It’s the feeling I get when I am around Juliette, or when I get a hug from Rosie. It’s the feeling I get now when I remember my sweet Lily.
It’s big, it’s powerful but it’s ever so simple as it’s just the universe reminding me that the void that has been left in my life with the loss of my mother and my child can never be filled totally, but it can be patched over a bit, little by little, drip by drip. It reminds me that the people I have loved and lost are still here and that they live on within me. It reminds me of the lessons I learned from each of them. I have my mother’s maternal way of loving and giving. I have the knowledge to reach out when I see someone in need, just as I learned from looking after Lily and being her mum. Sometimes things don’t go our way but we need to keep on being kind to one another, to keep loving and giving. I need to give out love and then the universe makes sure I get it back in in bucket-loads, just as I have experienced in so many ways over the past few days.
I have seen deep pain in Juliette, but I have also seen a deeper love of life than I ever have before. The way she appreciates every single thing; the scent of a flower, a bend in the road, the smell of the sea, the taste of good food, the sound of music and laughter. I need to take care and absorb all of these things so that Lily and my dear mother can live on every day, through me.
So, I take a deep breath and I go inside my beautiful home via the side door that leads to the kitchen, then I go into the hallway where my dog meets me with his usual boundless energy.
‘Come with me, Merlin,’ I say to him and he wags his tail and follows. ‘Come with me upstairs. There is something I need to do and I really could do with you by my side.’