Shelley
I am lying on the sofa in our ‘good’ living room in my dressing gown, silently reflecting on what was such a wonderful evening on the beach with Juliette, Rosie, Merlin and my good friend Sarah.
I wonder just how much I have been missing as the world has kept going around me over the past three years.
Grief freezes you, I guess. It puts you into a different zone, one that doesn’t relate to everyday things like going to the movies, or eating out in nice places, or planning around the weather, or taking the car to the garage, or making a dental appointment, or opening your mail. All of those things seem alien when you’re bereaved, like they belong in some parallel universe because all you can think of when you lose someone is how cruel life is, and learning to function again can be almost be like learning to walk again. It is crippling.
Yes, I have functioned; I have kept going with the shop, I have managed to get my hair coloured when it became unbearable on the eye (if Eliza hadn’t nudged me in the direction of the hairdressers I might never have noticed, mind you). But I have never actually allowed myself to stop and feel anything until now. Well, not until Saturday I should say, when I found Rosie on the beach and from then began tiny flickers of movement in my heart and in my mind. It was like I was slowly waking up from the most horrific nightmare. The nightmare is real, but waking up isn’t so frightening anymore.
Today, was the best though. Today I felt the rush of joy that comes with gratitude, the rush of satisfaction that comes with helping others, the rush of adrenaline to see Rosie and her mum experience that precious memory of something so simple as horse riding along the beach for the first time together.
I think of the last few weeks I spent with my own mother and how much I wished I had done things differently, but I was merely a child and I wasn’t to know the years of regret and longing I had ahead of me, of how much we were both missing out on. If I was a child again I would laugh more with my mother, I would sing songs together, I would tell jokes, watch movies, go shopping, make her dinner, help more around the house, tell her about my boy crushes, my fears, my hopes and dreams and listen to hers because I wish now I had realised that she too was a person and not just my mother; she was a woman with a past, with memories and ambitions, and milestones that she too hoped one day to reach for her own satisfaction but of course never did.
But most of all, if I was a child again I would dance more with my mother. I would take her hands and turn the music up loud at every opportunity and we’d laugh and dance and dance and dance …
I hope that Juliette and Rosie remember to dance.
The sound of their laughter today and the way Juliette glanced across to her daughter with such brightness and light and life in her eyes was something I wished I could have caught on camera, but it will be forever instilled now in Rosie’s memory which has filled me up a little inside. Juliette may be cursed with a terminal illness that will eventually take her away from here, but today she was alive and she was loving every minute of it.
My living room is filled up too with the smell of a vanilla candle burning, a gift today from Juliette after our two hours of fun on the beach. We were soaked through, we were exhausted, we were starving but we were bursting with laughter, smiles and the great joy of the outdoors.
‘This good old scent of vanilla, as bland and boring as its reputation may be, is a great aroma for bringing joy and relaxation,’ Juliette said when she gave the candle to me as we walked through the village. ‘You looked right at home there today with those horses and both you and Sarah made me feel so at ease. I loved it. You need to do things like that to relax you more Shelley and feel the joy that life can still bring you. Lily would want that and so would your mother.’
She had unexpectedly popped into the little gift shop which is just two doors down from Lily Loves and as Rosie and I waited outside, we were sure she had spotted some tacky souvenir like one of those back scratchers covered in shamrocks, or a tea towel with an Irish blessing – the sort of things that don most of the windows in those shops all down the coastline.
‘I bet she gets a Guinness t-shirt for Dan,’ says Rosie as we stood there waiting. ‘Or rugby jerseys for Aunty Helen’s boys. She said she would bring everyone back something that is unmistakeably Irish so goodness knows what she’s up to. I wouldn’t be surprised if she came out with a real leprechaun.’
But we were very wrong as when Juliette emerged from the shop only moments later, she handed me a little paper bag with the candle inside and a full explanation as to why she chose it.
‘You are very kind,’ I told her. ‘But you don’t need to be giving me gifts, you really don’t. It’s such a pleasure to be around you two and I mean it when I say it. Today was good for me too. It really was.’
‘I bet it was nice to spend time with Sarah?’ Juliette said to me and I smiled.
‘It was like the good old days again,’ I told her. ‘Well, you know what I mean. Almost like the good old days when it was just me and her sometimes and we’d do stuff together and laugh about it for days. I’ve missed that a lot. I’m realizing now just how much I’ve missed having friends.’
Now, as I lie here in my fluffy robe, feeling clean after my shower and at peace in the quiet of the evening, I promise myself to make sure that Sarah and I meet up again soon. I believe I have turned a corner today and when the phone rings and I hear Matt’s voice, I light up even more. I have so much to tell him which makes a big change from my usual downbeat tales of evenings spent alone in the house with nothing and no one but our dog for company and the doom and gloom and sorrow of white empty walls.
‘You should have seen her face, Matt. Honestly it would have taken a tear from a stone,’ I tell him when I’m in mid-flow about Rosie today. ‘The pride when she saw her mum get up and face her fears to join her horse-riding. I could cry even thinking about it.’
Matt, as I predicted, is full of questions about my newfound friends.
‘So, these people, this mum and daughter, they’re from England did you say?’
‘Yes, they’re over for a week on a last-minute holiday. They’re staying in the cottage by the pier. You know the one with the yellow door? It’s really cute and—’
I haven’t told him the link to Skipper yet. I’m saving that one for after I tell him all about our adventures today and yesterday.
‘Yeah I know the one,’ he says. ‘It’s normally booked up months in advance, though? That was a coup to get somewhere so nice to stay last minute.’
‘I know, it’s perfect.’
‘And you met them when they came into the shop then on Saturday?’ he continues. ‘How the hell did you become friends? You said you can’t do anything more than small talk with strangers? I’ve seen you in action, Shell. You freeze up.’
My husband should work for the FBI. So many questions …
‘I know, I know but this was different,’ I explain to him. ‘Well, as weird as it may sound I kind of got the feeling that something special was about to happen when Juliette came into the shop and bought a blue dress. Your mum had told me that morning to look out for someone associated with the colour blue.’
‘Oh, here we go,’ says Matt with a laugh. He is very much on my dad’s side of the fence when it comes to his mother’s predictions and interpretations.
‘Anyhow, that’s neither here nor there, Mr Cynical,’ I tell him. ‘It was really when I came across Rosie, her daughter, on the beach that evening that our paths properly crossed. She was so upset and I stopped to try and help her and that’s when she told me about her mum being sick and how worried she was, and I related to her. I really felt her pain, Matt. It was only two days ago yet it feels like so much has happened and so much has changed already, in the best possible way.’
‘That’s beautiful, babe, I am so thrilled for you,’ he says. ‘And you went out for lunch with them? Out for lunch? Seriously?’
‘Yes, I did,’ I tell him, feeling really proud of myself right now. ‘We just went down to the Beach House, hardly the Ritz, but still.’
‘And how was it? Was it easier than you thought? I actually can’t believe this, Shelley. I really want to go and give that woman a medal, what did you say her name was?’
‘Juliette,’ I say to him for the third time. He never was great with names. ‘As in Romeo and Juliet?’
‘Oh.’
‘I did feel a panic attack coming on when she suggested it,’ I continue, ‘and I tried to back out a few times, especially when we got there and I felt everyone staring but Juliette made me come back and eat dessert and we had a glass of bubbly, then went over to her cottage and Rosie, who loves Merlin by the way, did my makeup and honestly Matt, it is just so sad to think of what they have ahead of them. I only wish I could help them more.’
Matt takes a moment to let all of this sink in.
‘And then horse-riding today?’ he says. ‘With Sarah. That’s pretty big of you to arrange all that for them. I can’t believe this. I’ve been trying to get you to hook up with Sarah for months and months now. How is she?’
‘She is like my best friend, Matt, that’s how she is,’ I say to him, my voice softening now. I swallow. ‘She is a breath of fresh air and just what I need right now. I’ve missed her more than I realised. Sarah was amazing today.’
‘Yes, you have needed her,’ he reminds me. ‘She’s a good friend to you, love. You should let her be just that from now on.’
Mentioning Sarah just reminded me that I still have to tell him about Skipper. I take a deep breath. This is going to be quite the bombshell and the big moment I’ve been saving for when we finally have time to talk and my head is not all over the place.
‘There is a pretty big reason why they chose to come to Killara,’ I say to Matt, ‘and I want to tell you all about it but I’m totally drained right now and it’s a whole big story and I need to be in the right head space to even begin explaining it.’
‘Is it bad or good?’ he asks me.
‘It’s good,’ I laugh. ‘Well, it’s sad but good. I’ll tell you tomorrow, I promise. Where are you off to tonight? Anywhere nice?’
‘Meeting clients for a drink in the lobby,’ Matt explains. ‘Hardly the Ritz like you just said, but Bert warned me not to be late. I suppose I should go and shower, babe. I am so, so proud of you and all you have done today and yesterday, you know that?’
I cradle the phone.
I really don’t want him to go. I want to keep talking to him, to keep listening to his reassuring voice, to feel him close to me. The very thought of feeling like this stops me in my tracks. Matt has always been there, by my side, and I have never really worried about him not being there, or dare I say, noticed if he wasn’t there but now I have this want, or need, to talk to him. I’ve been enjoying talking to him for the first time in a long time. I actually feel something for him and I don’t want him to go. But he has to, of course.
‘Thanks Matt, I’m kind of proud of me too today,’ I whisper down the phone. ‘Have a lovely evening with your clients.’
He laughs.
‘You know I wish I was sat at home with you instead,’ he says to me. ‘I’m missing you tonight.’
‘Me too,’ I reply. ‘I’m missing you too.’
My admission hangs for a moment in silence. We both take a deep breath.
‘Chat to you tomorrow, love,’ he says. ‘Get an early night. You’re amazing, you know that, don’t you?’
Now it’s my turn to laugh.
‘Don’t over-do it,’ I say to him. ‘I’m only human and sometimes it’s nice to feel enough emotion to remind me of that. It’s nice to just feel stuff. I think I’m slowly healing, whatever that means. Chat tomorrow, Matt. Have fun.’
We both linger before hanging up and I smile, thinking of the early days when we had just met and we’d do as most couples do, argue over who was going to hang up first, but then Matt remembers again that he is in a hurry.
‘Shit I need to go. Okay, go, go, go,’ he says.
I hug the phone against my ear to hear him closer.
‘Bye, bye, bye …’
And he is gone. And I sit there holding to the phone, enjoying the feeling of missing him. I have missed that feeling too.
Juliette
‘Hashtag, best day ever!’ says Rosie to Helen who has video called Rosie’s phone. ‘I swear, Aunty Helen, you would not have believed it, would you? Mum, on a beach, on a horse and actually loving it!’
‘Never in a million years,’ says my sister, who is beaming as much as we are, as we gawk into the screen, me leaning over Rosie’s shoulder.
‘It was what I can only describe as exhilarating,’ I tell my sister who is shaking her head in disbelief. ‘I’m serious! And the look on Rosie’s face when she saw me overtake her was priceless.’
‘Well, go you!’ says Helen. ‘Maybe we should all step out of our comfort zones a little bit more often and try things we don’t think we’ll enjoy. I’ve always wanted to have the courage to go up in a hot air balloon. Do you think I should try it?’
She makes what is supposed to be the sound of a hot air balloon rising and points slowly upwards as if going up into the sky.
‘If it’s good enough for Phineas Fogg, it’s good enough for you?’ I say to her and Rosie looks at me like I’ve sprouted a second head. ‘Didn’t he travel around the world in a hot air balloon or am I totally wrong on that one?’
‘Who?’ says Rosie and I make a face behind her back which of course she sees me do in the mini screen on her phone.
‘How’s Mum and Dad?’ I ask Helen, knowing that there isn’t an awful lot she is going to tell me, not in front of Rosie anyhow.
‘Mum’s still battling with her migraines and Dad is still insisting he’s taking her to a specialist and Mum is still digging her heels in and saying no.’
‘So, the usual?’ I say and Helen nods in agreement. ‘Any other news from home? How are the boys? And Brian?’
Helen thinks for a moment.
‘Great. No news here,’ she says. ‘The boys are off school and I’m off school too and I must admit that life here is just ticking along. No horse-riding on the beach or eating crab claws in the sunshine or walking golden retrievers or visiting fancy pants houses for us. I wish we’d booked a foreign holiday now, but we didn’t, so we’re just ticking along. Nothing exciting I’m afraid. Or should I say, glad? Maybe it’s a good thing. No drama.’
I know exactly what she means – but as lovely as it is to be just ticking along, I want to give my sister a shake up to do something just a little bit more exciting for a change. I want her to go up in a hot air balloon, I want her to book a holiday last minute, just do something instead of letting one day drift into another. She is young, she is brimming with energy and health and warmth and love and it’s such a pity for her to just be ticking along.
‘Why don’t you surprise your husband with a night out on the tiles this weekend?’ I suggest to her and she bursts into laughter.
‘Surprise him? Me and Brian? We are way past the stage of surprises, Juliette. I think he would die of shock and imagine the horror if I arranged something for the weekend that didn’t involve watching football on a big screen or playing darts down the pub.’
‘Surprise him, I dare you!’ I tell her. ‘Get dressed up, book a table somewhere nice, arrange a babysitter and let your hair down, just the two of you. Then book a flippin’ holiday and go enjoy it. There’s no point in just ticking along, Helen. Get busy living or get busy dying, that’s my motto for as long as I can stick to it.’
I feel Rosie shift in her seat. Maybe I shouldn’t have said that – the ‘dying’ bit.
‘Mum’s right,’ says Rosie, much to my relief. ‘There’s a lot more to life than just ticking along. I know you mean there’s no big news or no drama and that’s fantastic, of course it is, but you should be enjoying yourself a lot more than you do. You should travel more. I can’t wait to travel the world.’
Helen smiles at us and lets out a sigh.
‘I have three very lively boys to keep me busy,’ Helen reminds us. ‘But yes, I get what you mean. I should be stepping out of my comfort zone a little bit more, just like you did today, Juliette and I should be tasting things like crab claws just like you did yesterday, Rosie. I’ll get my thinking cap on and do something nice this weekend.’
‘It doesn’t have to break the bank,’ I say to her, knowing that with a mortgage and a family and a million other things on her mind when it comes to finances, it’s not as simple for Helen to get up and go as we are insinuating.
‘There is a movie I’d love to see on the big screen,’ says Helen. ‘Brian would probably rather pull his own teeth out than watch it but we could maybe go for a drink after I suppose, that might convince him to forego the darts league.’
‘That’s the spirit,’ I tell her. ‘And make sure to hold hands and snuggle up in the back row. Put on something nice, you know, underneath too.’
‘Mum! Too much info!’ says Rosie and I shrug.
‘Nothing wrong with a bit of romance,’ I reply.
‘You know what ladies, I am just going to make him go,’ says Helen. ‘I’m actually looking forward to it now that you’ve said it. It’s been a while since we went out together, just the two of us. Sunday lunch at the local with the boys has been my social life for too long and with sport of some sort on in the background it doesn’t leave much room for romance. I’m going to make my husband take me on a date.’
‘That’s more like it!’ I tell my sister. ‘Now, on that note, we are going to leave you to your planning and go to bed as we’ve another big day lined up for tomorrow, haven’t we Rosie?’
‘Have we?’ asks Rosie. ‘That’s news to me.’
I smile smugly and shrug my shoulders.
‘You’ll just have to wait until then to find out what exactly I’m talking about, but it’s going to be another good one, just you wait and see.’
‘You can’t leave me hanging like that,’ says Helen. ‘Tell me what you’re up to so I can sit here pulling my hair out as the boys wreck the house tomorrow and be green with envy.’
‘I’ll text you,’ I tell my sister. ‘Now, babysitter, Brian, movies, booze and dancing. Get it sorted!’
‘I love you both, you know that,’ says Helen, just as we are about to sign off. I can see her lip wobble. Mine starts to tremble too.
‘Right back at you, Aunty Helen,’ says Rosie, but I can’t speak. I just wave at her into the camera and hug Rosie a little tighter than I should.
‘It’s the cliffs tomorrow, isn’t it, Mum?’ says Rosie. ‘You finally got someone to take us out on a boat, just like you’ve been wanting?’
I inhale her hair and close my eyes. I am so tired but I don’t want her to see it.
‘Let’s get you to bed, missy,’ I say to her and her arm goes around my waist and we sit there for what feels like forever. How am I ever going to leave her on her own? She gives me a squeeze as if she is reading my mind and despite my fears, I know that she is a strong, feisty lady like her mother and part of me knows that she will one day be okay.