Juliette
MONDAY
‘Please, I swear Mum, just let me call them and see if they can fit us in. It will only be for one hour at the most. You can watch, you and Merlin. He’ll keep you company and it’s a gorgeous day outside. Come on. Please.’
Rosie sits on the edge of my bed and for the first time in my whole life , I want to gag my darling daughter.
‘Five minutes,’ I tell her. ‘Five minutes of complete silence from you is all I ask and I will contemplate it. Please.’
She sighs from the very tips of her toes and makes a face that would turn milk sour but I don’t react. It is 7am. She never sees 7am on a school morning, never mind on a holiday morning so there is no way I am going to jump to her every whim at the crack of dawn when we are meant to be on a relaxing break. She wants to go horse-riding, but I didn’t manage to arrange it as today was all about taking the boat around the Cliffs of Moher. Apparently there is no better way to see them than from the sea itself, and maybe I am being selfish, but I really want to feel what it’s like to be out there on that ocean, just like Skipper used to be every day.
My phone rings, disturbing my third minute of contemplation. Oh no, it’s Dan. I can’t answer. I tried to talk to him last night but there was no reply and now that he is calling me back I am afraid to hear his voice in case it sets me back. But I can’t not answer. Shit.
‘Hello?’
‘At last, Juliette! God, it’s good to hear your voice at long last. I left my phone in the car last night like a bloody idiot. Are you okay?’
Jesus.
‘Hello Dan, yes, I’m okay. How are you?’
I don’t need to ask how he is. It’s 7am on a Monday morning so I know exactly how he is going to be. Hungover or still slightly drunk.
‘Is it true?’
Is what true, I long to ask? Where on earth do I start with what is true these days? About my illness? About where I have run away to and not told him? What?
‘What have you heard?’ I ask him, hoping it isn’t about my health. There is no way I am going to tell him my days are finally numbered first thing in the morning and certainly not on the phone.
I swallow. I can feel his pain from here. I can see him rock and squint as my admission to the extent of my illness hits him hard in the heart.
‘Helen told me,’ he says. ‘I spoke with her yesterday and she told me the truth. What about Rosie? How is she? Did you tell her? I should be there with you when you do. Jesus, Juliette!’
I shake my head. Oh Lord, what am I doing here? Barry Island would never have raised such questions or caused such heartache for any of us. I feel so far away from him and I know he is right. I shouldn’t have run away without telling him the full story.
‘I wish I could tell you it isn’t true,’ I tell him. ‘But it is, Dan, and I promise when I get back on Saturday we can have some time together. I want to make our last days the best days ever, love. We can see this through, me and you, I know we can.’
‘Are you going to tell her about her father and his connections there?’ he asks, his voice choked up with worry. ‘Why Juliette? Why would you really think you need to leave her with the burden of a man who might not even want to know she exists when she has so much to deal with already?’
Where on earth do I start to explain to my recently estranged, darling, lovely, gentle, troubled husband that no matter what my intentions were when it comes to Rosie’s biological father, I have hit a brick wall; that any slight glimmer of hope I may have had in the back of my mind, no matter how foolish it may seem, has come to nothing.
‘He isn’t here, Dan, so you don’t need to worry about any of that,’ I whisper. ‘He never really was here after all, so it’s one less thing for you to be concerned about. We will be home soon and we can have a good long chat about everything, about Rosie’s future, and about yours too.’
I want to say ‘and we’ll all live happily ever after’ but of course that is never going to happen.
‘Please don’t break her heart, Juliette by telling her about him now.’
He sobs down the phone and my lip trembles for the hurt I know he is feeling right now. I have been with this handsome, strong, magnificent man for many years and he devoted every inch of his heart to me and Rosie, so to think of me being here as I face my last days on this earth and not spending time with him must be the ultimate blow.
‘Can I speak to Rosie?’ he asks and my stomach leaps. I don’t want her to hear him cry. Not now when she is in such good form.
‘She’s asleep,’ I say to him. ‘Maybe later?’
‘She isn’t asleep,’ he says and he laughs at my attempt to brush him off. ‘She sent me a text half an hour ago. Jesus, Jules what on earth are you playing at taking her there when you are so unwell? You should be here, with me so we can talk about what’s going on. We could be making plans and just, just talking and – why can’t things just be like they used to be? Why?’
Ah, shit, shit, shit. I am crying now and so is he.
‘Why don’t you come here to us, Dan,’ I tell him. ‘Sober up and come here and be with us and we’ll try and make it like it used to be just the three of us against the world.’
‘Go there? To Ireland?’
‘Yes.’
‘No, no, no, no no,’ he rambles. ‘No, I don’t want to interfere on your holiday and I don’t think I could stand being there, knowing that—’
He lets out a huge sigh and I can just see his handsome smile in my mind when I close my eyes. Drunk or not, I freakin’ love this man and as I spend my last days on this earth, I want to be with him and my daughter for every second but I need him to be straightened up for my last days. That may be selfish of me to insist on that, but it’s the only thing I have left to insist on.
‘This is killing me too, Juliette,’ he says. ‘But you don’t need to hear that, sorry. I just want to see you. I want to touch you. I don’t want you to die.’
He is sobbing heavily now, so I know we are on the wrong path with this conversation.
‘Where are you?’ I ask him. ‘Are you still on Emily’s couch? You should just go home and wait for us there. Go home to our own bed. I won’t be long. I’ll be home soon.’
‘You don’t need to care about me,’ he says. ‘You have enough to worry about. I know that’s why you pushed me away in the first place. I’m not what you need. I’m a burden, an extra stress that you and Rosie don’t need right now.’
‘I didn’t ever say that,’ I say, as my hand automatically goes to my mouth and the tears roll down my face. ‘I just wanted to protect you and I need you to be able to face up to me not being here. It’s out of our hands, Dan. I don’t have very long left.’
I picture him, the handsome, strong, decisive man I used to know and I long for him to show me that person again. How did it come to this? When did we drift so far apart that we lost sight of our sparkle and charm and strength and all the things that made us fall in love?
‘I need you to try and be strong for us all,’ I say to him. ‘I need you Dan. I need you to be strong.’
‘I’m going to get better and so are you,’ he tells me. ‘I promise. We are going to fix all of this. I am going to fix it all and we will have our old life back, just give me time, Juliette. Can you give me time? We’ll build that big house by the sea and we’ll take those holidays and Rosie can have a dog and a pony and anything she wants and …’
I hear Rosie singing in the kitchen and I’m thankful that she is out of earshot for what I am about to say.
‘But I don’t have time anymore, Dan,’ I whisper to him firmly. ‘You have to understand that, babe. There is no time for all of that now. I wish there was, but my time is almost up.’
‘Don’t say that, Juliette,’ he says. ‘There’s bound to be something—’
‘There’s nothing,’ I tell him. ‘We don’t have a happily ever after, Dan but what we do have is the chance to make our last days count and make those as happy as we can possibly be. Now, sort yourself out and I’ll see you on Saturday when we get back. Please, get some sleep. Please, darling. You sound like you need it.’
I hang up the phone and lean back on my pillow, inhaling and exhaling slowly as I embrace this overwhelming sadness. Dan doesn’t seem to be able to grasp the harsh reality of all this. We don’t have a future anymore. My future is right here, right now so I don’t have time to linger and mope. I need to make every second count instead of dwelling on my grief and allowing each day to be a waiting game. I will not wait for this to happen. I’m determined to enjoy every second for as long as I can.
Shelley
When a fifteen-year-old girl bounds into your shop, begging you to take her horse-riding because her dying mother is too tired, or too allergic, or too whatever to join her, what on earth are you supposed to say? I can’t exactly say no to that, can I, no matter how much it petrifies me to even think about it?
‘Didn’t your mum say she wanted you to go out on the boat today?’ I ask Rosie, whose face is perfectly made up just as mine was yesterday. She looks the least likely person I have ever seen to go horse-riding, with makeup like that plastered on her face.
‘She was meant to but they can’t take us today and all we’ve done all day is walk the beach! I’ve never walked so much in my entire life.’
‘Does she know you’re here?’ I ask her. I look at the clock. It’s just after four and I have only had two customers today so I suppose I could shut up shop early. It’s a beautiful day outside and I tend to find that on those days, most tourists and locals like to flock to the sea rather than the shops, not that I blame them.
‘She warned me under no circumstances to come here and ask you,’ says Rosie, ‘but to be honest, I can’t sit in that cottage for any longer watching daytime TV or trying to get phone signal when it just isn’t happening. So, what do you think? Horse-riding? Me and you? Date?’
She fingers through the rails of clothing as she talks to me, her head tilted to the side as she chews gum and again I get that awful flashback feeling to when I was her age, so innocent to the way my world was about to be tipped upside down around me, never to be the same again.
‘Well, you aren’t going to go horse-riding in those clothes?’ I say to her, taking in her long loose sweater, shorts and flip flops. ‘You’d better go home and get changed.’
She almost jumps out of her skin with excitement.
‘So, we can go then? O-M-G you are like the coolest person ever! I actually love you right now! Thank you!’
‘Meet me back here at five,’ I tell her. ‘I need to make a phone call to make it happen but it shouldn’t be a problem. Deal?’
‘Deal, total deal!’ she says, and she bounds out of the shop into the sunshine and I smile from the tips of my toes at the joy such a simple gesture has given her. That poor little girl. The happier she can be over the next few weeks, the better.
But before I can make that happen, I have to face another of my own fears. I have to step out of my comfort zone and reach out to the people of Killara who I have hidden from for so long; but as much as it frightens me, I don’t think for a second that they will let me down.
Matt calls me when I am coming out of the shower, back at the house where I have laid out my jodhpurs and a t-shirt on the bed.
‘You’re going where?’ he asks, and just like Rosie, the joy in his voice is tangible.
‘I’m going horse-riding on the beach,’ I tell him and I can’t help but smile in return. ‘I know, I know, don’t die of shock. I am actually doing something that doesn’t involve my work or you or this house or the dog.’
‘Wow,’ he says to me ‘I am seriously, seriously over the moon with that! Fantastic! Amazing, Shell!’
He lets out a noise of celebration that sounds a bit like a ‘woo hoo’ and I tell him to calm down already. It’s not really that big a deal. Okay, it is, but still.
‘Who are these people?’ he asks me. ‘Where do I send them some champagne and flowers for making my wife do something fun at last? At last! Lunch yesterday, horse riding today?’
I sit on the edge of the bed and check the clock radio on my bedside locker and realize I only have ten minutes to get back to the shop and meet Rosie.
‘I’ll explain all to you later,’ I say to him. ‘It’s a long story and I really have to rush but it’ll be worth the wait. I’ve to meet Rosie at five and it’s almost that already.’
‘Ah Shell, you said that to me last night when you were too tired to talk,’ he says and I feel so bad for not taking time to explain. ‘Are they old friends of yours? Your long-lost family? Who?’
‘It’s all good,’ I say to him, trying to put on my socks as I cradle the phone under my ear. ‘I mean it, it’s worth waiting on to hear the full story and you will never believe it. I’ll call you straight after and fill you in. You are going to love it.’
‘Alright, alright go and have some fun,’ he tells me. ‘And send some pics. I need to see the evidence of this, okay?’
I put the phone on loudspeaker and drop it on the bed as I squeeze into my jodhpurs. It has been a long time and thank goodness I haven’t put on any weight. If anything, they’re a bit loose on me but that’s exactly what I expected.
‘Did you have a good day?’ I ask him. ‘How’s France?’
‘I’ll tell you all about that later too,’ he replies. ‘Now go quickly before you’re stood up. I am so freaking happy right now. I love you Shell.’
I gulp as he says those words that he has been so patient with, waiting all the time for me to say it back to him but I can’t know or feel if I love anyone when I don’t even love myself anymore. I may be taking very tiny baby steps right now but I’ve a long way to go and I don’t want to lie to him by saying it just for the sake of it. I want to learn to love him again like he deserves to be loved and I won’t say it until I know that that’s absolutely true. I want to feel it.
‘I know you do,’ I tell him. ‘I’ll call you later and I’ll send you some evidence. Enjoy dinner with Bert! Tell him I said hi!’
The slight pause illustrates his disappointment and I want to kick myself for being so cold and so honest. I can’t say ‘I love you’ back, I just can’t. I try to but the words stick in my throat. I can’t say it until I know I really mean it from my very core and although I am starting to finally ‘feel’ again, I still have quite a bit to go.
‘I’ll tell Bert you said hi,’ Matt says to me. ‘Have fun, babe. You deserve it more than anyone I know.’
And at that he is gone. I have shut him out once more.
I need to go quickly and meet Rosie.