Juliette
Rosie and I slip into a snug in Brannigan’s and the musicians who have gathered don’t notice us at all as they chat and drink and tune up their instruments. This settles me as I really didn’t want anyone thinking I was planning some grand farewell. Planning … I laugh when I think of how Helen and Rosie have always mocked how I made plans that I never saw through, but this time I seen them through and I am proud of myself for doing so.
‘What would you like to drink, Mum?’ Rosie asks me and a piercing pain hits the back of my head, like a rush of heat and a knifing sensation all at once. I try to focus.
‘Sparkling water,’ I croak and Rosie’s face changes at my reaction.
‘You don’t have to do this if you don’t want to. We can go right back across the road and get you into bed. Please don’t think you have to stay for my sake.’
‘There’s Shelley,’ I say as our friend spots us and Rosie lights up at her entrance. ‘A slice of lime in my drink would be lovely, please darling, but just wait to see what Shelley wants first.’
‘I’ll just have the same,’ she says, easily joining in with our conversation and I swear, I feel I have known this beautiful creature all my life. She slides into the booth beside me and I feel more at ease, trying to ignore the lingering pain and the thuds that are still going on in my head.
‘Isn’t this lovely,’ I say to Shelley. ‘Lucky you, knowing real musicians who play real instruments! We think it’s great if we have a jukebox working down in our local and even at that, you’d be afraid to turn it up too loud in case it might drown out the horseracing on the telly.’
Shelley, I have to say, looks very pleased with herself and rightly so as she waves across at the three musicians who have now struck up a tune.
‘That’s Dermot on accordion,’ she explains to me, ‘and Mary on fiddle and I think the other guy on fiddle is called Brendan. Aren’t they fab!’
I lean back onto the soft cushion and let the lilting music warm me up from my toes right up to my aching head and I take a moment to let it all sink in. The lilts and the rhythm and the ease of it all fills my soul just as I knew it would and I close my eyes for just a few seconds to make the most of it.
‘I remember the last time I was here so clearly,’ I say out loud, not really knowing why I feel the need to relive it all again to Shelley, who already knows how my story ends. ‘This music takes me right back to all those years ago and I am the same carefree, gullible, free-spirited soul that I was at the age of twenty-five, when all I had to care about was how to get the next bus to wherever it wanted to take me, and whether my money would last before I got home.’
I open my eyes to see Rosie coming towards us, confidently holding each of our drinks as she approaches us, half-walking, half-dancing along to the rhythm of the tunes.
‘I think you might have passed on your free spirit ways to your beautiful daughter,’ Shelley says to me and I am delighted at the very thought.
‘I forgot to ask Dean did he have any snacks,’ she says to us and I look behind her to see the handsome barman who greeted us when we first arrived.
‘Oh, snacks, of course,’ I say to Rosie and she doesn’t seem one bit bothered that I have caught her out. She just turns on her heels and makes her way back towards him.
‘I’ll have some crisps,’ I say after her but of course she doesn’t hear me and Shelley nudges me playfully.
‘Dean is Sarah’s nephew,’ she explains to me. ‘Hottest catch in town, so our Rosie has mighty good taste. He’s way too old for her of course. Check me out, I sound like I’m her mother.’
‘You’re right, he is way too old!’ I agree and Shelley and I glance at each other, each knowing what the other one is thinking and we don’t even have to say it. But then I do.
‘I know you’ve only known us for about five minutes,’ I say to Shelley. ‘But after I go, would you ever see yourself looking her up or just checking that she is okay? I probably shouldn’t ask that or put you under such pressure but she looks up to you as someone who really does get her more than I ever could, and even knowing that you might keep in touch with her would make this trip all the more worthwhile despite my brick wall where her biological father is concerned.’
Shelley leans her head on my shoulder and links my arm.
‘Rosie and I discussed this already,’ she says to me. ‘Believe me, you have nothing to worry about when it comes to that. I’d say before she leaves here on Saturday, Rosie and I will be planning her return visit as soon as she can fit it in around school and any other commitments she might have at home, or should I say, as soon as you allow her to come back.’
A shiver runs through me and I nod as I watch my teenage daughter flirt with Dean, her handsome holiday crush, at the same bar where I met the man who swept me off my feet and who unexpectedly let me bring her into this world. She flicks her hair back as she is speaking to Dean, her head tilted to the side and she throws her head back in laughter at whatever it is he’s telling her. I am going to miss so much of her precious life. She reminds me so much of myself sometimes it frightens me.
Her sweet naivety, her feisty ways, her determination – I think she gets that all from me and I hope she hangs onto those traits for as long as she can. I often wonder what traits she has that might come from her father’s genes. Maybe her sense of humour or her love of the great outdoors and animals comes from him? It kills me that she’ll never really get to know what she has in common with him. He has missed out on so much that I have gained, through no fault of his own, but I am now set to miss even more.
Her next birthday, her face on Christmas Day when she opens her presents, her exam results, her career choices, her boyfriends, her lovers, her friends, her wedding day if she takes the plunge (I think she will one day), her babies, her hopes, her dreams, her ambitions, her fears. I am going to miss it all.
‘She kind of belongs here, Juliette, doesn’t she?’ whispers Shelley.
‘She fits in here, for sure, but then I always knew she would,’ I tell my friend. ‘I really fitted in here too when I first came. I’m glad that part of me can live on in her, I really am. That gives me great comfort, not to mention knowing that you will be here – and Merlin of course. She really has fallen in love with that dog.’
I feel Shelley grip my arm a little tighter and then she leans forward and sips her water.
‘This might sound really ridiculous and I hope I’m not being insensitive,’ she says over the music. ‘But … would you do the same for me? You know, after you go?’
We don’t look at each other, but again I know exactly what she is thinking. Again, a shiver.
‘If there is such a thing as heaven, and I truly believe there is,’ I say to Shelley. ‘I am going to seek out your precious Lily and hold her in my arms and make sure she is being looked after by her sweet grandma and I will look after them both, just for you. Deal?’
‘Deal,’ she says and a tear rolls down her face. She loses her breath a little. ‘I can’t tell you how much that means to me. Oh my goodness, thank you Juliette. But how will I know if you find them?’ she asks me.
‘Oh, you’ll know,’ I say to her. ‘If your mother is anything like you, Shelley, I don’t think I will have any trouble in finding them. I think we’ll meet for sure and you will know, don’t worry.’
‘You’re a special woman,’ Shelley says to me as tears now run freely down her face. She dabs her eyes with a napkin and tries to control her breathing and I put my arm around her shoulder.
‘I am running out of time,’ I remind her, ‘so I can only see the good in everyone and the good I can do before my time is up. I think if all of us knew our days were numbered, we just might make the world a kinder place.’
Rosie returns to the table with a look of the cat that got the cream, just in time to up the mood a little, but I’m glad that Shelley felt confident enough to say that to me. It’s a pact we have made and I take great comfort in her being able to say how she feels.
‘So, any nice, um, snacks?’ I ask, noticing my daughter’s hands are empty.
‘There’s only cheese and onion crisps and there’s no way I’m going to eat those and have smelly breath for the rest of the evening,’ says Rosie. ‘And neither are you, Mum. No point looking like a movie star and smelling like you’ve halitosis, is there?’
Shelley and I both roll our eyes and laugh at Rosie’s very straightforward logic.
‘Aren’t you having anything to drink yourself,’ Shelley asks Rosie and the delight on Rosie’s face is priceless.
‘I forgot to get myself a drink,’ she replies. ‘O-M-G! I suppose I’ll just have to go back up there again.’
‘She’ll be back here to visit us all in no time!’ says Shelley as we watch my darling girl adapt her flirty pose at the bar again. She’s a chip off the old block for sure.
‘You could have trouble getting rid of her!’ I tell Shelley and we both know that it’s true. Rosie is perfectly at home around here after just five days. ‘I imagine there’ll be tears on Saturday when we’re leaving.’
Shelley doesn’t answer me. And once again, she doesn’t have to. I know exactly what she is thinking.
Shelley
‘You look amazing,’ says Sarah when she joins our company, in a bit of a fluster. ‘You both do. I love the blue on you, Juliette.’
‘It’s from a really hot boutique,’ says Juliette.
‘In England?’
‘No! Right here. Lily Loves, of course,’ says Juliette. ‘I have to say this dress will always mean a lot to me after the week that we all have shared. Thank you, girls.’
Sarah grabs a stool, takes off her scarf and coat and sits down beside us.
‘I swear, I thought I was never going to get away from my house tonight,’ says Sarah. ‘I need a gin and tonic. Need. Do you ever feel like you are talking to yourself when it comes to men? I honestly told him I was going out at seven o’clock and he swanned in just twenty minutes ago like he hasn’t a care in the bloody world. If the shoe was on the other foot I’d have a lot to listen to.’
‘Ah, I’m sure you wouldn’t be without him,’ I say to Sarah, playfully. ‘Can’t live with them, can’t live without him. I have to admit I can’t wait for Matt to come home now. I never thought I’d utter those words and I’m so glad I finally feel that way for him again. It’s been a long, lonely three years. Horrible, really.’
I don’t know why I’m opening up so much but it really feels so good to be able to chat like this to my very good friends who I trust impeccably with anything I have to say.
‘I miss Dan, too,’ says Juliette. ‘How I wish he would just walk through that door and take me home and … God, what I’d give to have my old life back.’
I can sense for the first time since I met her, a glimpse of anger in Juliette when she realises just how much her life has changed due to her ill health.
‘Don’t think like that,’ I say to her. ‘Dan has his own battles going on but I’m sure he is going to be there for you, Juliette. Maybe not in the way he used to but he is still your husband and he knows you need him.’
Rosie comes back to the table sucking a straw from a glass full of cola and she perches on a stool in front of us.
‘Teigan has not stopped talking about you – she thinks you’re the best thing since sliced bread, Rosie,’ says Sarah and Rosie’s face lights up at the compliment. ‘Rosie this, Rosie that. She says she wants you to be her babysitter, so if you ever come back here and need a job, I have one ready for you. Gosh, I would have paid a fortune just to escape a bit earlier this evening. Isn’t it great to get out and look around you, even if it’s only to Brannigan’s?’
‘I’d totally forgotten what it was like to socialise,’ I say to the girls. ‘And isn’t it nice to feel your toes tapping and do something as simple as clap along to the music. I think I’ve become institutionalised, I really do but at last I’m beginning to see there is a big bad world out there for me.’
Sarah puts her arm loosely around me and quickly gives me a squeeze.
‘It’s good to have you back,’ she says to me. ‘You’ve turned a massive corner, Shell, and I think that Juliette has a lot to do with it. You really did come here at exactly the right time, Juliette.’
Juliette looks like she is miles away and I know she is longing for her husband right now. I can’t even imagine the thoughts that must be going through her mind as she sits here in a place that holds so many ghosts and memories, watching her daughter who is bursting with life, hearing stories of how she could come back here without her, and longing to go back to the way things used to be. Juliette looks lost. She looks so afraid and alone.
‘I’m going to get in some drinks,’ says Sarah. ‘Is everyone okay or can I get you something stronger?’
‘I’ll go to the bar for you if you want,’ says Rosie. ‘Dean said he can serve me alcohol as long as he sees me handing it over. I already checked.’
I notice Juliette force a smile at her daughter’s enthusiasm to give us table service on our evening out.
‘Okay then, tell that cheeky face up there to give his old aunt a gin and tonic,’ Sarah says, handing Rosie some money. ‘And tell him to be more generous with the ice than he normally is.’
‘With pleasure,’ says Rosie and off she skips, delighted to have a third errand up to the bar.
‘If you want to go back to the cottage at any stage, just say,’ I whisper to Juliette as Sarah checks in her handbag. ‘Maybe you’ve heard enough music?’
‘No, no, I’m fine,’ Juliette says to me but I can see in her eyes that she is struggling. ‘Sarah just got here and Rosie is having fun. I’ll stay another little while. Not much longer, but a little while.’
She is pale and waxy looking and I notice that the dress is a bit looser on her than it was when she first tried it on last Saturday. Her hand trembles slightly as she reaches for her drink, then Sarah gets up from her seat and goes around the other side to sit next to her.
‘Well now, just as I promised, I have something for you,’ she says to Juliette, handing her a white envelope that looks like it has seen better days. ‘You don’t have to open it in here if you don’t want to, but I know you wanted to have it.’
I look on, puzzled, as Juliette stares at the envelope in amazement. She looks across for Rosie who is in mid conversation again with Dean, delaying with the task of getting Sarah a drink, but maybe that’s for the best right now.
Juliette opens the envelope and she takes out a picture of a young man with sandy brown hair, smiling blue eyes, bare-chested on the beach, looking right into the camera. It is Skipper and my heart gives a leap. I can’t even imagine how Juliette must feel at seeing his face again.
Sarah watches on at Juliette who doesn’t take her eyes off the photo.
‘He was a handsome chap,’ says Sarah. ‘I know it’s not much but it’s the only one I have of him and I want you to keep it and give it to Rosie when you feel the time is right. Gosh, I remember where I was when I heard the news. His funeral was one of the saddest I ever did see. Sorry, I shouldn’t even say that. Are you okay, Juliette?’
Still Juliette doesn’t take her eyes of the picture and I notice her hands are shaking even more now. She glances at Sarah and then at me and then she puts the photo back into the envelope and sets it on the table.
‘What’s wrong?’ I ask her. ‘Oh, Juliette maybe this is all too much for you?’
‘I feel a bit sick,’ says Juliette, putting her hand to her face.
‘Me and my big fat mouth,’ says Sarah. ‘I’m really so sorry. I should have handled that all more sensitively. It’s totally my fault. I’m sorry.’
‘No, no it’s nothing to do with that at all,’ says Juliette, her eyes still fixed on the envelope.
‘Shelley, can you come here a second?’ calls Rosie from the bar and I look at my friends and then back at Rosie and then back at them again.
Sarah shoots me a look that tells me to go to Rosie so I do what I am told and make my way to the bar. I’m scared right now. I don’t know what is going on in Juliette’s head or how sick she really is feeling but I don’t like this feeling one bit. Sometimes I wish I could have just stayed numb forever.
Juliette
I watch Shelley go to my daughter who is showing her something on her phone to great delight and they glance at the door and the room begins to spin, reminding me of that drunken night when I was here before and the room was spinning then just the same. I feel drunk but of course I can’t be. I blink and lift the envelope again. Then I take out the picture, stare at it some more and I put it back again.
‘It’s painful, I know it must be,’ whispers Sarah. ‘I thought I was doing the right thing by bringing the photo here tonight but my timing was off as usual. I’m always putting my foot in it, even my husband says so’
‘No,’ I tell her. ‘That’s not it at all. You meant well. It’s not your fault, Sarah.’
I take a deep breath. The music is grating on my brain now. The accordion and the fiddle and the second fiddle, it all sounds like squeaky noise now – I wish they would just stop and be quiet. None of it sounds good anymore and my head is so sore. I need to get out of here fast. I can’t take any more of these surprises and curveballs in my life. I can’t take any more of this bar and this place and these people.
Then the door of the bar opens and in walk my sister and my husband and I really think I am going to faint.
‘Dan?’ I whisper.
‘What’s wrong, Juliette?’ Sarah asks me. ‘You really don’t look very well. Do you want to go now?’
‘Dan! Aunty Helen!’ says Rosie. ‘At last! Come and meet Shelley!’
‘It’s not him,’ I say to Sarah, staring at the envelope at the table again.
‘What?’ asks Sarah, lifting the envelope like I have made some mistake. ‘This is Skipper, darling. This is the guy we knew as Skipper who used to come here on the boat each summer?’
I feel dizzy. Rosie is waving at me. I look back at the photo. It’s a blur and it makes no sense. This is all a big mix-up.
‘It’s not him,’ I repeat to her.
‘Mum! Look who’s here!’
‘Are you sure this is Skipper?’
‘I’m sure,’ says Sarah. ‘I have no doubts. It’s him.’
The room begins to spin. I don’t know what to think now.
‘That may be the man known as Skipper in that photograph, Sarah,’ I whisper to Shelley’s friend. ‘But it’s not my Rosie’s dad. I must have got this all very wrong or else the man I met lied about his name.’
‘Why on earth would he lie?’ asks Sarah. ‘Juliette, are you okay? You look like—’
Sarah’s words are muffled and blurred. I can’t make out what she is saying because my head is spinning and everything is a whirl in front of me. So Skipper, or the man who told me his name was Skipper, is not dead at all?
I hear a familiar voice calling to me. It is Dan. Oh thank God for Dan!
‘I’m here, Juliette,’ he says. ‘Let me help you and get some fresh air.’
‘Helen?’ I mumble.
I see my sister, her face riddled with concern. And then everything goes black.