EMILY

EIGHT YEARS AGO

It was a melancholy kind of day. The clouds forced the sun to disappear as they grew dark and angry all morning. The forecast was for thunderstorms, a rare occurrence in Arizona. It simply never rained here. I finally shut the television off after hearing the weatherman’s report break in for the tenth time in an hour. Big deal! It was going to rain. All that meant was if I didn’t stay home I might get wet. It made me angry and a little off balance. I didn’t know if it was the possibility of a storm destroying my mood, or the fact I couldn’t get ahold of my emotions.

One minute, I was happy and dancing around the house as I cleaned up, the next I felt like crying. I felt trapped inside of a box like a caged animal. I wanted to scream and break things, take a glass and shatter it all over the wall. When I felt my arm go back while I held the wine glass I just finished drying, I quickly put it down before I lost control.

I hated this roller coaster ride I seemed to be on. For the most part, my life was good. I loved my freelance work as an editor. I picked my hours, worked from home, and I was building my clientele base so my income was decent. I only dipped into my inheritance if I had to. I had friends, I lived in a warm place, instead of freezing my ass off all winter, and to top it off, I had the most amazing boyfriend who told me every single day how much he loved me. So why didn’t I believe him? Why did I torture myself with these crazy thoughts of inadequacy?

It had been six months since I started dating Elliot. He told me it was love from the moment he first saw me at a writing seminar he conducted here in Phoenix. I always laughed and said it had nothing to do with love.

“How could you fall instantly in love with someone you don’t even know?” I had asked him.

“Don’t you believe in fairy tales, Emily? True love and white knights saving the princess stories?” he joked.

I noticed him. He was so hot every woman there was crushing on him within minutes. It wasn’t until I ran into him at the grocery store, a month later, that I realized he had noticed me. I still cringed when I thought back to that day.

I was having the worst morning and I looked like total shit when I ran into him. Literally, I ran into Elliot D’Arcy with a shopping cart. Banged into this hot guy because I wasn’t paying attention. I still couldn’t believe it when he asked me out.

It had been crazy ever since. The first night? Memories of the first night would follow me until the day I died. If I closed my eyes, I remembered it like it was yesterday, every little detail.

My cell phone chirped, signaling a new text message while I carried my groceries into the house. Dropping the bags on the counter, I grabbed my phone out of my back pocket and checked it.

Do you know Lola’s Wine Bar?

I was so excited I almost dropped my phone. My fingers shook as I tried to text Elliot back.

Yes

And I waited.

I held my breath as I waited for his response, phone in my hand, staring at the screen, waiting.

Five minutes later…

Sorry, I was interrupted. Will 6 work for you? I can meet you there or pick you up if you’d like.

Play it cool, I told myself, and started texting back.

I will meet you there.

Hours later, two showers, six changes of clothes, and a schoolgirl case of the jitters, I walked through the door of Lola’s Wine Bar. Elliot D’Arcy sat in a corner by a large picture window overlooking the desert and the mountain range to the west. He stood as I walked toward him.

Stepping out from the table as I approached, he took my hand and kissed it. He smiled as he looked at me.

“Emily, have I told you in the past few hours that you are beautiful?”

I remembered feeling my blush creep up and my face growing warm. I didn’t know what to say. I could hear the sincerity in his voice but compliments always embarrassed me. My hands started to sweat, and I was a bit relieved when he let go of them to pull the chair out for me. I sat down and took a breath.

Relax! I whispered to myself. It’s just a guy.

Glancing around me at the other patrons, I was glad I chose to wear a dress. A simple A-line cut, black, off the shoulder sundress that followed the curves of my waist and flared out from my hips. The dress draped my body to my ankles and billowed out as I walked. I wore a simple pair of black pumps with kitten heels, giving me enough height so I could look at Elliot without kinking my neck. I was tall at 5’8” but he had at least five inches on me. I smiled as he ordered a bottle of wine, thinking how I could fit perfectly into the curve of his neck where his shoulder connected, if we took a walk and his arm was curved around me, pulling me into his side.

“Where are you from, Emily?” He broke into my fantasy.

“Minnesota,” I replied. “I moved here about a year ago to get away from the cold.”

His eyes twinkled at me as he laughed. “So you’re a freeze baby, are you?”

“Yes, I am,” I admitted, laughing along with him. “I hate being cold more than anything else. Back home if the chill gets to your bones, it’s all over. You can’t warm up. It was like that all winter long for me.”

“I’ve been up there, to Minnesota, a few times. I didn’t care for the winters either.” Elliot nodded in agreement.

The evening flew by as we sipped our wine and talked about living in Arizona. He moved to Scottsdale three years ago from Northern California, although his books kept him traveling much of his time.

I sat spellbound as he told me of travels to Europe and Asia for both research, promoting his novels, and for simply pleasure. I’d dreamed of traveling around the world since I was a little girl. There was even a map on the wall in my office, pins marking the cities I wanted to visit someday.

I laughed loudly when he told me a story of trying to find the courage to eat in some of the more famous restaurants, especially when he had no idea what he was biting into.

“Are you a picky eater?” I asked.

“I don’t consider myself one, but I like to know beforehand what I am going to eat. Things like beetles and monkey brains may be a delicacy over in Asia, but I have no desire to try them whatsoever.” He made a face.

I had to put my hand over my mouth as I thought I might gag at the thought of eating bugs. ICK!

Walking out to my car later, Elliot took my hand, intertwining his fingers with mine. His thumb kept brushing back and forth across the back of my knuckles softly, sending an occasional shiver racing through me. It had been a long time since I had met a man I connected so easily with from the very beginning.

Stopping at my car, he raised my hand to his lips and kissed it. Reaching out, he ran a finger over my cheek and tucked a piece of my hair behind my ear.

“I love your curls,” he whispered. “They’re so soft, yet a bit wild like you seem to be.”

His arms circled around my waist and he pulled me into him closer, looking intensely into my eyes.

“I really want to see you again, Emily. I’m here, holed up in my cave for a while, writing. I come up for air quite often—daily if there is a reason. Will you be my reason? I want to get to know more of you. I want to learn everything about you.”

I could not tear my eyes away from him. He had me in some kind of a spell I couldn’t seem to break, nor did I want to. It was as if his eyes, staring into mine, held me hostage.

“I’d like that very much,” I answered.

I watched as his lips moved toward mine. His touch was feathery, light, gentle … barely grazing yet teasing, promising more. His lips played with mine as I melted against him, my breasts against his hard chest, and my legs feeling the muscle of his well-toned thighs. My body grew warm and tingly as his kiss intensified.

Releasing me slowly he staggered for a moment.

“Wow,” he stuttered.

“Yeah, wow.”

Cupping my face with his hands, he kissed me one more time. Reaching behind me, he opened the door of my car and motioned for me to climb in.

“I need you to leave now, before I beg you to come home with me, Emily.”

I couldn’t speak yet—my mind was still off in another land from his kiss. I simply nodded.

“I’ll call you tomorrow.”

I nodded as he closed my door. I glanced in the rearview mirror as I pulled away and watched him—watching me—watching him.

…And here I was six months later … I shook myself out of my daydream and tried to blow off my melancholy mood. Elliot flew to New York yesterday to meet with his publisher. Lately, every time he had to leave, I became insecure and nasty. I picked fights with him over trivial bullshit. I didn’t want to be this way. It was as though someone I didn’t know entered my body and took over. I knew I exasperated Elliot when I acted this way, but I couldn’t seem to stop myself. My heart knew this man was the one, the man I had dreamed of all my life. He was everything I ever wanted, and most of the time, he brought out the best in me … when I let him.

Lately, my thoughts had been returning back to my parents. It wasn’t as if they planned on dying in that car accident. It wasn’t their fault, but I was still mad they left me alone. The older I got, the more those few memories I had grew dim and more abstract. I was afraid someday they would disappear altogether.

The child in me thought my grandmother would live forever, but she died too, leaving me completely alone. Deep down I thought a big part of me was waiting for Elliot to leave too. I couldn’t get over this feeling I’d always carried with me, that I wasn’t good enough for anyone to love me forever. It was dumb and completely self-destructive, but I couldn’t seem to find a way to work through it. I kept guarding my heart, locking it up tight, because the beautiful people in my life always left in one way or another. It was messing me up. Worse … I was destroying the very thing I wanted more than anything and I didn’t know how to stop myself.