EMILY

The bar was hopping by the time I arrived. Louie’s had a huge patio attached in the front and around one side. It was wall-to-wall people out there. Thursday, late afternoon, and everyone was ready to start their weekend early.

Walking in the front door, I spotted Maggie at a high table close to the bar. Inside was a little quieter but not by much. After a few overcast days and a little bit of rain, people wanted to be outside enjoying the sunshine. I headed toward the table as Maggie pulled out the stool next to her.

“Andrea should be here soon. A client had her running late. I ordered you a glass of Pinot when I saw you pull into the parking lot.”

My girl knew me well. I also noted warm chips and pico on the table. Helping myself to a generous scoop, I closed my eyes and savored the incredible taste of Louie’s fresh homemade pico de gallo, the warm chips with a hint of lime, and sprinkled with mozzarella and sea salt. This was the reason I frequented the place.

“How is your self-imposed celibacy going these days?” Maggie asked me, causing me to choke on a chip.

Glaring at her, I made a grab for the water sitting on the table to drown my coughing.

“That bad, huh?” she commented with a laugh.

By the time Andrea walked in, we were both giggling like a couple of high school girls watching the soccer team strut by.

The next hour was another glass of wine and catching up. My eyes drifted around the bar observing people as we talked.

Andrea elbowed me and nodded her head toward a man making his way from table to table where any woman was seated. I would guess he was in his mid-twenties, perfectly tousled hair, lacquered with a pint of gel, a body hugging T-shirt showcasing the ripples of his abs. He casually looked over each woman, as if trying to gauge his chances. Obviously this man worked hard at being a stud.

“Hey gorgeous,” I heard him say to the blond at the table next us.

“Hey stupid,” she replied.

Without hesitating, he turned toward our table next and to Maggie, who had been reading something on her phone, while sipping her wine and not paying any attention to what he had been doing.

“Hey beautiful,” he said.

She choked on her wine, as she looked him up and down, estimating his age.

“Seriously?” she groaned.

I broke out in a loud laugh. Several patrons around us glanced over to see what was happening. Waiting for the idiot to try a line on me, I ran through several planned replies in my head. Instead, Mr. Stud turned to Andrea.

Hopefully his ego was still in one piece. I needed to learn the stare down Andrea was so great at. She never said one word, but she had him apologizing profusely for bothering us. It was amazing to watch; although, I felt bad I didn’t get to blast him with one of my perfected ego bruising knockdowns.

“Hey, I forgot to tell you all. I found a rose on my doorstep this morning! I think I may have a secret admirer,” I bragged.

Maggie immediately began teasing me about it. Only Andrea was quiet.

“Do you have any idea who could have left it?” she asked.

“Not a clue.”

“You haven’t met anyone new lately or noticed someone watching you?”

I thought about it for a moment. I couldn’t come up with any possibilities, not even one.

“I honestly have no idea at all,” I told her.

“What about Jailbait?”

I laughed at the idea.

“No way it was Steve. He doesn’t spend money on flowers. To him that’s a waste because flowers die. In fact, I can’t remember him ever spending money on anything.”

I had been kind of excited earlier. I never had an admirer before, much less one leaving flowers anonymously on my front step. Andrea’s silence made me a little apprehensive.

“Just be careful, Emily, there are a lot of crazies out there. It’s probably just what it seems to be, a secret admirer. But they had to have been watching you to leave it when you were out. Obviously, they know where you live and your routine. That makes me nervous.”

Andrea, always the worrier.

I blew it off and assured her I would pay attention to my surroundings. She left shortly after, claiming an early day and a long weekend ahead of her.

Maggie and I decided to hang out for a little bit longer. I wasn’t ready for a quiet house or a lonely night of TV quite yet.

That was another thing … I usually liked being alone. I relished the quiet surroundings I’d created. Everything was just the way I wanted it to be and I didn’t have to talk to another person if I so chose. But lately, I seemed to be more restless and I couldn’t explain why. I looked around my house and I saw too much stuff. It was closing in on me. I wanted to go through everything and get rid of most of it. I felt complicated and tied up both inside and out, and I wanted to purge that.

My rampant thoughts must be clearly broadcasting across my expressions as Maggie watched me.

“Your mind is racing again.”

“My mind is always racing these days. I just wish I could clear it out like I’m doing with my house … remove all the bull so I can figure out what I want.”

“What’s really going on, Emily?” she asked, her voice soft and concerned. “You seem so twisted up and not like yourself these days.” Maggie leaned in toward me, rolling her wine glass between her palms, ready to listen.

“I have so many memories running through my mind these days. Fun times, regrets, wishes, dreams … I think it’s why I decided I need changes. Life is so much simpler in my daydreams than in reality, and the bitch of it is, life doesn’t work that way. I’m struggling to move past that.”

“Life in general? Or is there something or someone in particular? A guy? I can’t ever remember a guy that could twist you up like you seem now. Is it work?”

“No—” I hesitated. “I love what I do and I’m happy for the most part, but I want more. It’s like I said a few weeks ago, I want my life to be more, to mean something. I keep looking back, and sometimes I feel like such a shit. I wasted so much time on things that meant so little. I didn’t like who I was and what I did to some people. I have regrets, you know? I want to change and I’m doing that, but it can be frustrating as all hell.”

Maggie nodded, seeming to understand. “There was the time, just after you moved down here, when we didn’t talk as much. I was dealing with my life, and you were starting a new one. It seemed like you went off the grid for a while, over a year actually. Did you meet someone back then? Someone you want to forget?”

My heart skipped a beat and I visibly paled as the memories I tried to keep buried deep down inside threatened to consume me. Memories that made me smile and made me sob in longing and pain. Mental images I kept locked down, allowing to resurface only when I was alone and felt the need to torture myself.

There really was only one man years ago when I first moved to Phoenix. Maybe if I had been smarter and more mature, less self-involved, it may have worked out. I blew it big time. He broke me into a thousand little pieces. I blamed him for everything bad in my life after he left. After time, a lot of healing, and some growing up on my part, I started to realize it wasn’t all his fault. I think maybe … a lot of it was mine. I’d been paying for the mistakes I made with him ever since. Right guy, but definitely the wrong time in my life.

“Elliot,” I said simply. “I think Elliot is the only man I have ever really been in love with. I hurt him, he hurt me, and I’ve been running away from relationships ever since.”