chapter
11
Anderson Cooper had gone off. Two episodes of Family Feud had played. And Will & Grace had graced my screen for an hour.
And still Clark waited.
I’d peeked through the peephole several times over the last few hours. I’d stopped talking to him and refused to answer his questions, thinking in time he’d just go away.
He hadn’t.
Clark was plopped on the floor, his back against the door. He almost fell back when I cracked the door open.
“Are you really going to sit out here in the hallway all night?” I said. “It’s one in the morning.”
He jumped up and put his foot in the door like he was scared I’d slam it back shut. He didn’t know I would still slam it, even with his foot in it.
“Savannah, please, baby, just hear me out. Let me talk to you.”
I inhaled, then figured the sooner we could hash this out, the sooner I could begin the paperwork for my divorce. I didn’t say a word as I stepped aside to let him in.
“Sweetheart, let me explain,” he immediately began after he stepped inside.
“So, you can explain sleeping with our friend? Your best friend’s wife?” I let the door close, but didn’t move into the room. I didn’t want him to get comfortable.
Shame filled his face. “There’s no justification,” he said. “I was wrong. Dead wrong.”
I waited for him to make up an excuse, to add a “but.” Instead he stood there in silence.
“Yeah, you were dead wrong.” I folded my arms. “So, how long have you two been having an affair? How long have you been smiling in my face, probably laughing behind my back while you did it? Were you sleeping together when Rob was alive?”
I knew better than that because when I came up on them, I’d heard the pain in both of their voices. And Dawn claimed it was a onetime occurrence. Besides, if Clark was capable of more than that, then I truly did not know him at all. I knew that they hadn’t been sneaking around for years, but this was the picture I wanted to paint right now.
“I would never betray Rob like that,” he said.
“But you’d betray me?”
He winced like he regretted his choice of words, but I wasn’t letting up. “And it’s okay to betray him when he’s gone?”
“Neither Dawn nor I expected or wanted this to happen,” Clark said.
“Expected or wanted what? Me to find out?”
“No, it’s not that at all.”
“So, her husband dies and she just decides she’ll steal mine?” I snapped before he could wade into his explanation.
“No.” He walked into the room, as if putting some distance between us would make this easier. “We both . . . It’s just the void with Rob. We got lost in our grief.”
“I lost Rob, too,” I screamed, then lowered my voice before someone called Security. “I don’t know how many times I have said that over the past six months.”
“I know that but . . .” He began pacing back and forth across the room. “Rob was like a brother to me.”
“Oh, that makes it worse. That means you had no problem sleeping with your ‘brother’s’ wife?” I said.
He stopped, looked at me, and with conviction said, “I’m not going to try and justify it. Why it happened,” he said. “It should not have happened.”
I stepped closer to him. I wanted him to see my pain up close and personal. I wanted him to feel it, dance with it. I didn’t want him to be able to run from it. “Where did it happen? Did you screw her in our bed?”
“Come on, now. You know I would never do anything like that,” he said.
I edged away from him, unable to stomach his presence.
“I don’t know anything,” I said. “I thought I knew my husband enough to know that he wouldn’t sleep with his best friend’s wife. But obviously, I was wrong.”
“You have every right to be mad at me,” he said.
“Oh, thank you for giving me permission,” I replied. I walked over to the window and stared out, keeping my back to him while I tried to stop the flow of tears.
“All I’m asking is for you to go deep in your heart and look for forgiveness. I can’t lose you,” he said.
That caused me to spin like I was starring in The Exorcist. I no longer cared about the tears. “You don’t want to lose me?” I asked, incredulous. “You should have thought about that before you slept with her. I mean, I was coming over there to bring her child tickets to a concert. A child that I looked at as my own niece.”
“And they’re still family.”
“Like hell,” I said, pushing by him again. I sat on the bed, but when an image of Wilson flashed through my mind, I jumped up.
“Savannah, what happened was a huge mistake,” Clark continued. “I don’t love her. She doesn’t love me. Not like that anyway. Grief brought us together.”
“Oh, that’s such a convenient excuse,” I said.
“You know firsthand what grief can do to a person.”
I glared at him, stunned that he would go there. “Oh, so because I was in the depths of despair, I should understand, right? I should understand why you landed in Dawn’s bed. When I was grieving, I kept to myself. I didn’t find solace in the arms of another man.”
“I know,” he said, his face cloaked in desperation. “I know how you dealt with your grief because I was right there helping you through it. You shut me out and I was still there.”
“You shut me out in grieving Rob. But I guess that’s because you preferred to commiserate with Dawn.”
“I know. I know. I shut down. But it’s like Dawn got it. Dawn felt as close to him as I did. My sense of loss matched hers.”
I knew that Rob and Clark had had an unbreakable bond. I knew that he was heartbroken over his death. But it wasn’t my fault that he wouldn’t let me in to help him heal.
“Oh, I’m so happy that you and Dawn have something in common,” I said. Then, deciding to stop fighting the tears, I just let them flow. “I didn’t betray you. I would’ve never betrayed you,” I said, my voice cracking.
Clark tried to take my hand. “Savannah, if you give me a chance, I will spend the rest of my life making it up to you. We can go to counseling. We can do whatever you like.”
The sarcasm left me. In its place was only pain. “I can’t do it, Clark,” I whispered. “How can I ever heal from this betrayal?”
“We have healed from worse,” he said, squeezing my hands tighter. I was willing myself to snatch my hands away. But my body betrayed me. “Much worse,” he added.
And with those words, I knew he was right. But I didn’t see how in the world I could ever come back from this.
“Just come home. I’ll stay in another room until you’re ready. But we can’t work on us if you’re not at home.”
I shook my head. “Not yet, Clark.”
Relief passed over him. “Okay, at least you didn’t say never.”
I finally pulled away, headed back to my safe space at the window.
“Take however long you need, but not too long,” he continued.
When I turned and cut my eyes at him, he quickly added, “Please?” Clark didn’t wait for my reply as he reached in his jacket pocket and pulled out an oversized manila envelope.
“When you get time, there are some things in here I want you to look through. I want you to know how much I love you. Everything in this envelope will help you understand just how much. I love you, Savannah Graham.”
He leaned in and kissed my forehead, and this time I didn’t resist. But I didn’t relax until he was gone.